Ruthie Tunes into her Higher Self (chapter from my novel)

Drawing by Layla Edwards, from her Gallery

Tuesday, November 11, 2008 9:28 am
Ruthie Tunes into her Higher Self

(a chapter from my novel "Ruthie has a new love")

It was a Thursday afternoon, maybe a year ago, I was thinking about Ruthie’s palmistry video. I remember I was at my picnic table in backyard. I wasn’t doing anything. I don’t remember what I eating or drinking. I might have just been sitting there to be in the sunshine. But I was definitely thinking about Ruthie’s palmistry video.

Apparently in Reno-- even tho in NYC she had a very good job for Adelphi University, her job was anyone who had a problem with computer, Ruthie helped them with it, and anyone who wasn’t already on the computer she taught them how to go on. She had been my computer teacher-- arranged for me to be bought a computer and then taught me how to use it for my writing, so I know what a good teacher Ruthie is and what a good teacher of computer. And what she did for me she did for everyone at Adelphi, plus helped them with more advanced things if they wanted that, since all I did on computer was word process. I am sure when email and internet came along Ruthie taught them how to do that, which she also did for me. A month after she moved to Reno, she called me up and said “it is time for you to be on email and internet” and taught me how on the phone and I have been on email and internet ever since. And of course I had been wanting that but hadn’t known how to do it. And a year later when I got the worst virus in the world on my computer because I had no protection, she sat on the phone with me for almost 6 hours to get rid of it. It was a huge job. Ruthie is a saint to do that for me. And she does it for anyone and everyone. She loves to help.

In Reno at first she offered her services as a free-lancer to help anyone with computer. But that did not take off. What did take off, to her huge surprise, is-- Ruthie’s mother could do palm reading, and had done it her whole life and taught Ruthie. And Ruthie would do it for her friends, just as a hobby, she is very psychic. How it began in Reno, I don’t know. Maybe she sat in front of supermarket with a little stand, and sign which read “Palms read, $5.” Whatever it was, people loved her reading so much, they invited her to their parties to read the palms of their guests, and she got paid quite a pretty penny for this. And then people who got reading from Ruthie, liked it so much they recommended her to their friends. And eventually Ruthie had a growing flourishing business as a psychic palm reader, which she still does. She has new clients all the time. She is invited to read palms at parties at the big hotels there. And when her son graduated high school there, she was invited to read the palms of all the graduates, and could tell each and every one of them how wonderful they are, and all the amazing talents and abilities they have. It was an inspired idea to hire Ruthie to read the palms of all the new high school graduates, to be able to see themselves and their future in such glowing colors.

And I guess she also taught palmistry classes there, taught others how to read palms. And one day she decided to video her teaching of a palmistry class. I guess a palmistry class, Ruthie talks about the history of palm reading, which is actually very interesting. I watched her video and I learned about it. Then she teaches about it, and then she reads the palm of everyone in her class.

Her video was very short tho. It is just the first part, where she tells them all about the history of palm reading, and she liked it, and wanted to edit it. And apparently, a woman friend of Ruthie, this was the time when she was finally making friends in Reno--

Ruthie in Reno, like me in Tucson, when we first moved here, there was a long time before we made any friends. We both had had gazillion friends back in New York and it was so surprising and unusual to be living in a place with no friends at all. Altho I can recognize now, altho it was difficult then, what a necessary and lovely phase this really is in our relocation. The long time with no socializing at all, really does clear your mind from all the over-socializing back in New York. Because you aren’t making any new friends, and have limited telephone time with your old friends, all you can really do is think about your old friends. And eventually there is no more to think about. And a vacancy comes into your mind, you are bored. And it is during this vacancy and boredom, that new interests come into your mind. I got interested in news and politics on tv and eventually became an internet poster on political forums. And that is when Ruthie became a palmist in Reno. Holding their hand and telling them all about themselves, probably brought the communication back into her life, that she loved. It was a nice balance. You get to socialize and be intimate and communicate and share love and ideas, but it is structured, it doesn’t turn into emotional complicated relationship where you fight and get upset. And maybe posting on the internet did the same for me. I got to enjoy communication, friendship, conviviality, sharing of ideas and perception, and still have a quiet peaceful life. It solved the problem of having no friends in Tucson, plus I got to share my new interests with others who were interested in the same thing. And so when the time came to start making friends in real life in Tucson, it could happen as naturally and gradually, as friendships always happen in our life, the pressure was off.

And so Ruthie must have started having friends there, if Ruthie mentioned to a woman “I did my video but I don’t know how to edit it.” And she offered-- she said “my husband is a video expert, let him edit your video for you.” It had been a big thing for Ruthie about editing her video. She had done it, made the video, but she couldn’t move forward till she edited it, and she didn’t know how. So she was always procrastinating, and she wanted it to be completed of course. So she was immensely grateful.

And right away things went wrong. I don’t remember if they lost her video when Ruthie first gave it to them, something like that. So she got another one and gave it to them. And basically what happened is her husband, the video expert, instead of editing Ruthie’s video and handing it back to her as a video which is now complete, the reverse happened. He told Ruthie all the things which were wrong with her video, and by the time he finished, Ruthie was hopeless. She wanted to give up on her video and had no confidence in herself or her video.

And I must have just had this conversation with her the day before (heard the whole story) when I walked out into the sunshine that Thursday afternoon to think about it and talk it all over with my Higher Self, because I thought it wasn’t fair what happened to Ruthie, and I wanted my Higher Self to make it up to her.

And what seemed so logical to me, sitting in the sunshine, was if Ruthie couldn’t edit her video herself, and if the video expert had just made her lose heart for her video, than the solution was for Ruthie to tune into her Higher Self, and let her Higher Self tell her exactly how to edit her video. Her Higher Self knows how to do this. Let her Higher Self be her editor. So my Higher Self said “Great idea! Go in and call Ruthie now and teach her how to tune into her Higher Self.”

I liked the idea very much because it turned what had been a big loss into a huge gain. She had had such a bad experience with the video expert, but as a result she would get her Higher Self. Ruthie had never expressed the slightest interest in tuning into her Higher Self, even tho she knew I did, but I didn’t see that as an obstacle. I figured if my Higher Self said “great! go ahead and do it now!” Ruthie would be receptive.

And I am sure my voice was a little different when I called her, because tuning into your Higher Self is all about being quiet. I wasn’t weird or anything, but I was not loud excited stimulating, I was quiet, and friendly.

“Hi Ruthie” I said, “what are you doing now?”

She said “nothing, I am sitting here doing nothing.”

“Good” I said. “It is very unfair your friend’s husband ruined your video for you, so I thought maybe you would like your Higher Self to edit it for you. She will do a great job and it will be easy. I can teach you how to tune into Her right now. It is very easy, and doesn’t take any time.”

“I’m game,” Ruthie said.

“Good,” I said.

And it took about 30 seconds and Ruthie was hearing her own Higher Self in her mind. And so I asked questions and Ruthie’s Higher Self answered them and Ruthie said all the answers out loud as she heard them. Apparently Ruthie had been feeling sad when I called her, and after we were launched getting answers from her Higher Self, her Higher Self said “Ruthie is crying now.” I guess hearing that loving understanding voice in her mind, let all her feelings come to the surface and break thru. So her Higher Self suggested she go into her back yard and find some apples from the tree for her lunch, and also to get her camera and take pictures of what it looked like after the rain there. We were on the phone the whole time with her Higher Self as Ruthie was moving around and doing this. I guess when Ruthie started to cry, her Higher Self thought the best thing for Ruthie was to be moving and doing something to distract herself.

What a strange afternoon that was. Because Ruthie needed batteries for her camera to work, so Ruthie, me, and her Higher Self drove to Costco, bought the batteries, went into the backyard, took all the photos. And then Ruthie was relaxed and happy to have long talk with her Higher Self. I still asked all the questions. I wanted Ruthie to see how her Higher Self could give her information on any topic under the sun. And I thought a topic which would interest Ruthie would be all her old boyfriends, to hear what her Higher Self had to say about all those relationships, what she had offered the boy, and what the boy had offered her. Plus it is a way to see all the people involved, and Ruthie herself, with such peaceful loving eyes.

It was a long day. But I figured Ruthie had enough practice now tuning into her Higher Self and hearing her Higher Self, that now she could do it on her own, she didn’t need me anymore. She could do it whenever she wanted to. And then of course I was sure she did ask questions about her son, her son is her whole life, and so Ruthie would want to consult with such a voice of wisdom, about how to see things and how to act which would be most helpful to him. Any mother would.

And a few days later Ruthie called and said, “I found a list of all the big problems in my life, that I wanted to ask the Lama from Tibet about when he visited Reno next week, and I realized they are all solved now, my Higher Self solved each and every one of them, they are no longer problems for me.” And I thought “good, she sees how helpful her Higher Self is.”

But then like everyone who tuned into their Higher Self for the first time-- it was the same with me, unless there is an emergency in our life, we forget all about our Higher Self, but a month or two later her friend came to spend Christmas vacation in Reno. And at first Ruthie spent all her time at the hotel with her friend, but then her friend decided to stay in Reno, and how it was hard for Ruthie, because of course she wanted to be home with her son too, and she was being pulled in two directions. And so she spent that whole time with her Higher Self, having help so she could be fair to everyone and fair to herself, and not get swept away.

It is very helpful to have our Higher Self available to us every instant when we are in the midst of situation we don’t know how to manage, because She knows how it manage it so beautifully.

And then after that there was no question her Higher Self was solid source of help if she ever cared to avail herself of it. But again, like everyone else, she totally forgot about her Higher Self. No one remembers unless they are at the end of their rope. And altho Ruthie’s life had ups and downs, and stress did come into it, there was never the kind of suffering where someone who has forgotten their Higher Self would want to remember. So it would only be when we happened to be chatting on the phone, and Ruthie happened to be recounting a situation where she had conflicts, or wasn’t sure how to deal with it, that I would say “why don’t we do Higher Self? ask for her input?” And Ruthie would say “fine.” And she would tune in and I would ask questions. And it was always interesting gratifying and informative, we both learned a lot. Because Ruthie did not have a dire problem, so after coming up with solutions for all of Ruthie’s immediate problems, her Higher Self would explain to both of us what is taking place now on the Planet, why we are having the experiences in our lives now we are having and what they mean. It was very nice, like being two sisters with a mother, and she would talk about Ruthie and talk about me. She even told Ruthie “Anne has a destination, she is climbing a mountain, whereas you make networks between people, you bring people together.”

And I got off the phone and found it very interesting to have heard “Anne has a destination, she is climbing a mountain.” We did not talk about me very much with her Higher Self, but Ruthie’s instinct is so inclusive that as much as she was starving to hear all about her, always towards the end she would ask about Anne. Altho since I was the one asking the questions and I never asked about myself, her Higher Self must have known that was in Ruthie’s mind, that Ruthie wanted her to talk about Anne too so Anne would be included, so Ruthie could express her generosity, that there be something for Anne in all this too. Her Higher Self would know that is balance Ruthie would want.

And that is where we are now. We have done it together maybe 8 times over the past year, it could be less, 5 times. But each time it was wonderful. It is just so nice to have the Voice of Wisdom explain it all to both of us. And Ruthie and I are both so appreciative of what we hear and never could have known that. And afterwards when we finish "the session" Ruthie and I chat for few minutes about what we just heard, but there isn’t that much to say, we just say which was the most interesting part. I think what makes it amazing is we heard it together. There is something about this whole experience (that our hearts beat as one all thru it and about it) and that is an unusual thing to share with a friend.

I don’t remember now what Ruthie’s Higher Self said about her first boyfriend, Theodore, or about Soli. I remember what She said about Al because I know Al and knew them as boyfriend and girlfriend. She said “what Al gave Ruthie was delight, and what Ruthie gave Al was delight.” And she said “Ricardo was her soul mate or very close to a soul mate.” That was her realest and closest relationship. And about me, this was in a much later phone call, she said “Anne is like a leaf at the very end of a branch of a tree now, but Ruthie is at the part of the tree where most people are. Which makes it perfect. Because when Anne discovers things, it wouldn’t mean anything to anyone. But she can tell Ruthie, and that way it goes out to all. Because Ruthie is where people are and she communicates.”

Hahaha Ruthie is like a central switchboard. I like to be out there and see things but what I can see it turns out I can’t communicate in a way anyone could understand. But Ruthie does. And thru her central switchboard anyone who wants to see what I see can see it thru her. A tree is a very good metaphor for all this, because we are all part of the same tree, and each performing the function of a tree we love to do best. Of course I would love to be a leaf at the farther end of branch, just open to wind currents and blue sky and sun, floating in the breeze, with my sparrows as my companions. And Ruthie apparently is connected to all people, connection is her thing, she loves to connect and is so good at it. And so Ruthie brings all the connections to me, and what the breezes whisper to me goes thru Ruthie and all thru the tree.

Ruthie makes everything accessible to all. That is why she was the one who started me on my spiritual path, she was already well along on hers and had learned a lot. But what she communicated at her 40th birthday party to all of us who were there, I was able to use to help me in my life and that is what started my own spiritual path.

And now I am a leaf on a branch and Ruthie is another place doing another thing, making everything accessible to all. And even tho I think “Wouldn’t Ruthie want to be leaf on branch like me?” and Ruthie may think “Wouldn’t Anne want to be doing what I am doing?” It is the same as when we sat around on the floor of tenement apartments in the ‘60s, with the lights out and candles lit, and incense lit, smoking pot, and felt so sorry for our parents that they were not doing the same thing. “If only our parents could have this too” we all said, it was the only fly in the ointment of our perfect happiness. We didn’t stop longing for our parents to have this too, till Janet sensibly said “but maybe it would not make them happy.”

“Swim on cold rainy Easter Saturday”

I found this photo on web called "Our Palo Verde in Bloom"
Easter Sunday, April 12, 2009 7:27 am
“Swim on cold rainy Easter Saturday”

The sky is looking bluer and I think the sun is coming out. The ground is all soft and wet now from rain for a night and a day and a night, and I am sure the trees are a million times happier. They did not have a drop of water to drink for a month and a half. For 6 weeks it was paradise out my window. Golden sun, blue sky. It was a treat unbelievable. And then out of nowhere in the middle of the night, the night before last, huge rumbling thunder, a huge incredible downpour. And it never went away. The world turned cold and dark and very rainy. O there is a drop of water glistening on the leaf out my window. What a miracle!

Now there is a lot of blue in the sky and sunshine splashing into yard, but still dense white wet clouds over mountains. But I think the blue sky and sunshine have won the day, today may be a nice day. It is so odd that for a full 6 weeks every single day was a glorious Easter Sunday, but now that Easter Sunday is here, it should be so trepidatious the way the sun and blue sky come back after their absence, like a timid knock at the door, so unsure of their welcome, when of course it is all we want. A tentativeness is the way it comes at first. It was such a bewildering rainstorm, something out of nowhere like that, and interrupting paradise. You knew every instant it was a good thing. So much vegetation and all of it in green spring finery now. The plants have to have their water, their leaves have to be drenched. And the earth around them had turned very hard too. Now it is moist just the way they like it, moist mushy sandy mud. Roots like that, roots drink in their water that way. Yes heaven watered the whole desert! And not sparingly either! Huge huge drenching rain, followed by another one, and then after that, constantly non-stop, for night for day for night, either sprinkling or raining or drenching rain. Rain rain rain in total abundance. O that must be the quail pecking at the stale bread I put out. They are all out, the sparrow, the big quail with their red helmet and plume, I even saw my woodpecker. It is the after-the-rain breakfast buffet.

I don’t think Bill and I would have gone swimming yesterday, it was no swimming weather! But the signs said “all pools closed for Easter Sunday.” We knew we wouldn’t be able to swim today, so we grabbed our chance to swim yesterday. And I had errands I wanted to do on way to pool and way home from the pool if we were not going to go out at all the next day.

I had bought skirt at Factory 2 U when we were at Sunflower market on Wednesday (Factory 2 U is right next door). There had been 2 skirts, different colors and patterns but otherwise the same, and both were a size too small for me. But I was in experimental mood. I asked the girl at check-out “which one should I get?” and she pointed to the one with the blues in it. She said “it goes with more things.” I had been attracted to the one with the colors of autumn leaves, but I went with her choice. And there had been little purses made by “Hugs and Kisses,” which had xxxoooo all over it. They were different shapes tho. And I let her choose which she thought was the prettiest shape and I got that. (O there is red cardinal! Sight for sore eyes! That flash of red! Absolute beauty!) And to my surprise the skirt fit! Not really fit of course, I have to leave the whole top open, but fit enough so I can wear it. And to my huge surprise I love it, I love wearing it. It is a cheap skirt, no lining, simple inexpensive poplin, but maybe because of that I like its feel, so light and airy. And it just happens to have a nice cut, I look down and I like the way it flows. Instantly I wanted the other one too, I knew they were skits I could live in all thru the hot blistering desert summer. So when Bill told me yesterday morning that he had tried to eat the spaghetti and meatballs I had gotten at Sunflower on Wednesday, but when he opened it up for supper the night before it was bad, so he ate the pot roast I had cooked for Beanie and had rice with it and made himself delicious stew instead. So I said “good! we will stop on the way to the pool, I will get my money back for the spaghetti and meatballs and there is something I want in Factory 2 U, and then on the way back from the pool we can stop at the other shopping center, I will buy bread at the bakery, kitchen sponges at the hardware store, and books to read at the charity store.”

The manager at Sunflower was wonderful to me. I had actually plucked the carton the spaghetti and meatballs had come in from out of the garbage can where Bill threw the whole thing, so I could show it to him when I asked for my money back. But when I got in the car I realized I had forgotten it by the sink. Bill said “Forget about it! Just tell him!”

The manager had a beautiful huge tattoo on his arm of the Goddess Vishnu, and on his wrist a beautiful big turquoise and silver bracelet. I told him the story of the spaghetti and meatballs, and showed him my grocery receipt, and instantly he said “Do your shopping and I will take the money off at the end!” I said “I don’t want to shop now, I want to go to Factory 2 U and then go swimming.” He said “OK, I'll write it all on your grocery slip and then you show it to them when you shop next and they will take the money off.”

It was while he was writing on my grocery slip that I noticed the beautiful bracelet and tattoo. “What beautiful turquoise!” I said, “where did you get it?” He said “it comes from India.” “O!” I said, “that is Indian turquoise, my own bracelets are Arizona turquoise and New Mexico turquoise.” I looked at it very carefully. “The bracelet is from India” he said, “I got it to go with my tattoo, it is the Goddess Vishnu.” The tattoo went all the way up his arm. “Wow!” I said, “wow, that is beautiful.” “So you’ve been to India” I said. “No” he said, “I asked my friend to get it for me, I wanted it to go with my tattoo.”

O I get it now, he had tattoo of Indian Goddess so he must have asked his friend to bring him back beautiful Indian bracelet to go with it, and that is the bracelet his friend chose. It is beautiful, the silver work is lovely and there is a lot of it and it gleams, and many beautiful large turquoises.

Then I signaled to Bill who was waiting in the truck near Factory 2 U, I made my fingers go in a circle to show him it all worked out, success! And I found the other skirt in Factory 2 U which is also size too small in the other pattern, and next to it another one. Neither is beautiful, neither is the one I am wearing now, but they are nice patterns and colors, and I just like the flow of them. And walking back to cash register I saw a pink purse also made by “Hugs and Kisses,” and it was the day before Easter, who can resist a pink purse made by Hugs and Kisses. The same girl at cash register was there. I told her I loved the purse she chose for me on Wednesday. She said “good.” “What do you think about this pink one?” I said, “I know it’s silly to get two purses, you always wind up using one and the other sits there, but if you think it’s very cute I will get it too.” She said “it is cute.” I said “OK, you only live once.” And I showed her I was wearing the skirt she chose for me, “I love it” I said. “Good” she said. “So I am getting the other 2, it will be cool in summer.” “Yes” she said.

“I bought myself Easter presents” I said to Bill when I got back in the truck, “and the manager in Sunflower was very nice, he didn’t want to see the carton, you were right about that and he wrote on my receipt to take the money off next time I shop.” “Good” Bill said, “Good.” He was very pleased.

And we took off for swim pool. “O no!” he said, “I see lightning over the mountains, they’ll shut the pool.” “We don’t know” I said, “the pool may be open.” But when we got there there were no cars at all, I didn’t see lifeguard in the stand. And when Bill went to talk to them, they told him “we are on stand-by.” So I got out of the car to find out what that meant. She said “we will be closed for at least a half an hour and if we see more lightning we close for another half hour.” “Forget about it” I said, “I am not that compulsive about my swim.” And so Bill and I set off for shopping center with bakery, hardware store, and old books.

“I’ll buy the bread, I’ll buy the sponges, and then meet you by the books.” Bill had just finished reading “Tom Jones” which he had bought there and loved it so much. “It is the best book I ever read” he said. I knew he was looking for another book. And I had enjoyed the mystery by Patricia Moyes so much, I wanted to see if they had any more by her. We were both looking forward to looking at the books.

But it was clear as soon as we drove up the charity bookstore was closed. It is St Vincent de Paul, I figured Easter was such a big deal to a Catholic organization they had to make a weekend of it. So I went to bakery. The rain had started up again as we were arriving from pool to shopping center. The girl in bakery said her friend just called, she is staying with her friend, and her friend said “you left without your umbrella and your raincoat and now it is raining hard, I will come and pick you up.” And she said how she appreciates it because as soon as she gets home she will have to walk her doggie in the pouring rain anyway. They must be living in an apartment if she has to walk the dog before and after work.

To my surprise Bill was in the hardware store when I arrived for sponges, he was getting stuff so he could start up our evaporative coolers for when the big heat arrives. So then we reached home with our purchases and Beanie ran around in circles, he was delighted to see us. Then to my huge surprise, Bill who had grumbled when we first got into the truck to go swimming, “I am only doing this for you, the last thing I want to do on a day like today is go swimming”-- to my huge surprise Bill said, “It looks like it is starting to clear, call the swim pool, see if they are open, we’ll go back and have our swim, if you don’t want to go I’ll go by myself.” “I want to go! I want to go! What a great idea!” I said.

I called the pool and they reluctantly admitted they were open and I could come over to swim. I understood their reluctance admitting it. It was freezing cold, terribly damp, very overcast, they did not want to sit up high up on lifeguard stand and watch swimmers. They wanted to be warm cozy together in lifeguard house. I thanked him very much and said “I am sorry to inconvenience you this way” and he said “that is what we are here for.”

We were sorry to disappoint Beanie but we were thrilled we were going to have our swim after all. And as Bill pointed out “now we don’t have to make any stops on way home.” And it really was freeing to throw down my purse, all my purchases, and just march out the front door free as a bird.

And my swimsuit was on under my clothes from when we had first started out the first time, so I said to Bill “here is my swim bag with shampoos, here is my towel, here is my clothes, leave it all by the bathhouse when you go in to change, I am just going to dive into the deep water.” The lifeguard still seemed a little grumpy when he came out to go up in lifeguard stand because I was going to dive into the water. He had been so merry and happy when he said “pool was closed” earlier on, he was not happy that now pool was open and he had to sit up in the cold and guard the swimmers. I said “I don’t have to be guarded, I am a Junior Lifesaver, you can go back into the house, if I need help I will call you.” But rules are rules. When we swam at private club there was never any lifeguard but at public pools, Willy, who is charge of all the lifeguards, makes them guard no matter what. Which to be honest makes no sense to me, as one of the lifeguards once pointed out “many of the lap swimmers were swimming before he was born and are better swimmers than he is.” And in fact I found out many of them used to be lifeguards.

“Is the water warm?” He was in no mood to gloss things over for me. “No!” he said, “it was a cold rain.” “Which is the warmest lane?” I asked. “I don’t know” he said. Naturally I was the only one there. I thought ‘This is exactly what it was like swimming in the Adirondacks, I would stand on a cold beach before I went in, about to dive into cold water, with heavy dense dark clouds all around the mountains, just the way they are here now.’ No matter how nostalgic I get for the Adirondacks, standing on that cold deck on dark cold cloudy day, facing cold water, I knew I would never return to that world. Once the girl has gotten a taste of sunny hot desert, she does not want to be cold and damp and chilly and uncomfortable; she likes to be happy in the warm dry sunshine.

But O I am so glad that Bill arranged for me to have my swim after all, when I had totally given up on it, I had decided it would not happen and I would accept it. It was such a surprise to be swimming when I hadn’t expected it, and it did feel good to swim, to stretch out in the water, and the water wasn’t that cold, it was fine. And I had long glorious swim.

And I saw another woman arrive for her swim. Pool is open till 4 pm on Saturdays, we had arrived at 3:20, the woman arrived for her swim 20 minutes before it closed. But she is smart, 20 minutes is not the longest swim in the world, but perfect for doing the trick. Bill was in lane next to me.

Few minutes before 4, I swam to the bathhouse, had nice long swim, and naturally at first it was freezing in there, there is no roof, and water in shower came out ice cold. But then it turned hot, delicious! And I washed my hair and soaped up, and then went to the middle area, since there was no one there, to towel off, spray on perfume, and a little vanilla cream at back of my heels, elbow, and knees. And I dressed. The girl lifeguard came in and she called out to the boy lifeguards “Don’t lock up yet! Anne is still in here.” It turned out they had locked up everything. “We found you just in time, Anne” she said, “else you would have been locked in over night.” I giggled and said “then I would have been the only one who swam on Easter Sunday.” I felt glorious when I arrived back on deck, there is nothing like being all fresh and clean and all refreshed, and warmed up from swim and hot shower.

We drove home so happily. “It’s always smart to go swimming if you have the chance” Bill said, when we got in the truck and were driving thru the parking lot of Fort Lowell Park. “Truer words were never said,” I said...

Bill and the baby kitten

A cat from outside adopted Bill. He named her Priscilla. A few weeks ago she had her kittens. We never saw them till night before last. I found this photo on the web, because it looks so much like our Priscilla, but of course her babies are tiny.

7:57 am, Thursday, April 9, 2009
“Cupcake”
for Auntie Jan

I forgot that April is my favorite month. The name is so pretty, April. And it’s my birthday month. And here on desert April is all about the green leaves on trees. They get their leaves on April 1 and each morning is a new glorious sight, because desert is “Jack and the Beanstalk” land. A weed which is one inch tall in the morning, by next morning is 6 feet tall. Our glorious sunshine makes everything grow so fast. A week ago the new green baby leaves were still so young and small and yellow, chartreuse with lots of yellow still in it. Now the world out my window is lush. The leaves are Kelly green and they are much bigger. They went from baby duckies to second graders, self-assured 7 year olds starting off for school. It’s a whole other world, a transformed world, than the view from my window all winter. Now it is the world of green leaves against the blue sky and it sure is pretty. And green leaves wherever you look. You are always looking into green leaves.

It hit me last week or maybe the week before, that Priscilla did not have her babies in some secret spot in our yard that Beanie (our dog) cannot get to, but instead she has them in the house. Bill turned that second living room, that huge huge room, into an art studio, and in the dark corner by the fireplace all the canvasses are stacked up. But because of the way they are stacked up, I realized last week there would be tunnel thru them. A tunnel big enough for a cat to get thru but not for my Beanie. And I don’t know why it suddenly hit me that that is where she has her kitties. It seemed such an inaccessible spot, safe in the house, dark, inaccessible to Beanie, and would explain why she is always around. The instant Bill would take Beanie out, she would appear for her food and to say hi to me. And the instant Bill and Beanie were back and Beanie went under the bed for his nap, and Bill was alone in the kitchen making his breakfast, she would appear to hang out with her beloved Bill. And at night when Bill sat down to play chess with the computer and Beanie and I were safely in back room, she would spend all evening with Bill. “She loves chess” Bill would tell me.

The instant I told Bill “Priscilla had her kittens in our living room and not in some faraway inaccessible spot in the yard,” he denied it. He said “NO! I don’t want her having her babies here! It is not safe from Beanie. I want her to have her kitties outside!” He was so emphatic in his denial, “I don’t want the kittens in the house, they are not safe here, they are safe outside.” I took it back, I said “I am sure she has her kittens outside.”

And the odd thing is that when Bill denied it when I told him, and I went along with his denial to please him, the odd thing is that my mind slipped into denial. I completely forgot that I had realized Priscilla has her kittens in that remote corner of Bill’s art studio where everything is stacked up and Beanie can’t get to it. I actually went back to thinking she has her kittens somewhere outside in the yard. And when we drove back from the pool, along our alleyway, I kept my eyes peeled at our easement, our yard, the yard across the way, wondering if I would get a glimpse of the kitties.

And then the night before last while I was reading in my bed and Beanie was stretched out on his featherbed next to me, I heard Bill call out from the second living room/art studio in an urgent voice. “Anne! come here! what is this! Don’t bring Beanie!” The way he called out “What is this!” I assumed that Beanie had brought in the stale fried chicken I had thrown out in the yard, left it in the middle of the carpet, and I was going to be yelled at about it. That he would say “That is not how you feed Beanie, you break up the food very nicely, take out the bones so they won’t hurt him, and put it in a nice bowl for him.” And then he would say “Why isn’t Beanie eating his food? Does he have stomachache? What did you feed him!” That is the usual kind of emergency for which I am summoned in that urgent voice, “Anne come here! what is this?”

I just didn’t understand why he said “keep Beanie away!” But it wasn’t about the old fried chicken lying on the carpet. Bill had something small and black in his hand and it was meowing lustily, it was incessantly meowing, calling for its mother. “It’s Priscilla’s kitten” we both said. “How did it get in here?” Bill said. It was meowing so hard I said to Bill “Put it back!” “Back where?” he said. I forgot Bill had denied the kittens were born and being cared for in some spot under all his canvases, where it makes an archway tunnel. “It must have walked in from outside” Bill said. “O yes right” I said keeping up the fiction.

Fortunately wherever Beanie was, he did not come. Bill had that black cupcake in his hand, meowing its head off, and didn’t know what to do with it. And neither did I. And the next thing we knew I saw Priscilla trotting in from somewhere way in the backyard. She wasn’t racing but it was determined-face trot. The instant I saw her I went right to my back bedroom to make sure Beanie was there, he will stay where I am. And Bill reported to me a few minutes later that Priscilla instantly took the kitten by back of neck and moved it to where she wanted. Of course Bill thinks she took the kitten back outside to its nest. Altho he said “I didn’t see her go out with it.” He was just so happy and pleased and relieved that Priscilla arrived so fast to rescue both Bill and her kitten, as neither were happy in that situation. The kitty wasn’t scared in Bill’s hand, but she sure was crying her head off for her mother. And Bill was absolutely flummoxed. “What should I do with it?” he kept asking me.

It took both of us two hours to calm down afterwards. If it weren’t for Beanie this business of the kittens would all be sheer delight for everyone. But we just don’t know if the kitties are safe with Beanie. That is why Bill wanted to believe so badly Priscilla has the kittens in an alcove in the yard which Beanie can’t get to, and is why Bill still believes that. He has not changed his story, he actually thinks that kitten found its own way into the house looking for its mother. Bill said “I heard it crying the whole time I was playing chess, but I thought I was imagining it, and then finally I went in to look, and there it was.” “She took the kitten away in her mouth” he said.

But I remembered when I used to have a cat which had kittens in my apartment in the Lower East Side. I had made spot for her to have her kittens in the closet, but she wanted bottom drawer of dresser. And each time I put the kittens back in the box in the closet, she took each one by the neck and moved it back to the drawer. After this happened 3 times I gave up and let her have drawer for her kittens, so I knew Priscilla had taken her kitten by the neck.

And the next morning, yesterday morning, when we were all calm and happy again, Bill said that’s what Priscilla did, she took the kitten by the back of the neck. “You said it was black?” I asked. “Not exactly black, but very dark charcoal.” He said how the kitten wasn’t really scared in his hand, just bewildered. “She trusted me” he said, “she knew I was safe.” And we both realized Priscilla only did determined trot, and did not fly across the living room, when she saw that Bill had her kitten, because she knew the kitten was safe with Bill. “Priscilla came in and rescued me” Bill said, “she knew I didn’t know what to do with the kitten, she solved everything.”

And we both realized that is why we have not seen Priscilla around so much for past two days. As long as all her kittens did was sleep and nurse, she was free to hang out with Bill as much as she wanted when she wasn’t actually nursing. But as Bill pointed out, now that the kittens have gotten rambunctious she has much more work to do. And it is true. Before, as long as Priscilla felt Beanie was not around, she could be hanging out with Bill or me or her house, occasionally she took recreation in the yard, I would see her thru open window in the sunshine. But the evening Bill found the kitten was after a day we had not seen Priscilla at all. Just for one minute in yard, while Bill was out in front yard with Beanie.

I wonder what Priscilla does do all the time now. I guess she has to hang with her kitties. She lets them crawl around in whatever space they are, but when they go too far, out into middle of big living room, she has to bring them back. Unless of course, after that episode, she did change their spot. It’s always possible she did bring them to some safe secluded spot in the yard, we will never know. That small black meowing thing in the palm of Bill’s hand is the only real evidence we have of the kittens. Everything else is deduction. She used to be so fat, now she has her figure back. She used to spend all her time on top of the refrigerator surveying everything, now she only comes at designated times.

When we got calm and relaxed and secure about the kittens yesterday, got confidence that Priscilla would manage everything perfectly and we didn’t have to worry, that she knows Beanie and would know how to keep kitties away from him, Bill said “you know, if we adopt that little kitten I will name him ‘Cupcake’ because it was exactly like having a chocolate cupcake in my hand.”

here is another photo I found on web. This one really looks like our Priscilla

Junior High School

junior high school is not a bluebird in pink blossoms
but here we are today happy as a lark

April 5th, 2009, Sunday, 9:10 am
“Junior High School”

8th grade had been quite a year for me. I had started out junior high school in a Rapid Advance class, which means doing 3 years of junior high in 2. My dad had done Rapid Advance way back when he was young plus skipped so many grades, that my aunt Ruth told me he graduated high school still in short pants. My mom did not want me to take Rapid Advance. She pointed out there are social things too, that because my birthday was April 4th and the cut-off date for starting school was April 30th, I was already youngest girl in my class and Rapid Advance would make me even younger, I would now be 2 years behind socially the other girls in my class. She thought that would be a mistake.

I had zero interest in any of her considerations. I didn’t even know what she was talking about when it was that time in 6th grade to take the test for Rapid Advance. It is a city-wide test, every 6th grader takes it every year. Rapid Advance was originally invented as a solution for overcrowding in NYC public schools. I don’t know when it started, very early I guess if my dad took it too, maybe when the huge immigration arrived. It meant doing junior high school in 2 years instead of 3. Everyone wanted to “make” Rapid Advance, I am not sure why now, I guess if you pass the test and make Rapid Advance it is like a Brownie badge, you are officially a smart kid. I don’t think I cared about doing Junior High in 2 years instead of 3, I couldn’t wait to start junior high. My idea of junior high was paradise because to me it meant being a teen-ager. I just wanted the ego of being labeled a smart kid and being in the smart kids class.

And I guess because all had worked out for my dad, he overrode my mom’s objections, I was allowed to be in Rapid Advance after I passed the test. All my cousins passed the test too, but I wonder if they took it. I assumed at the time they did, but now I realize they all graduated high school at the normal time, nobody skipped a year, and Rapid Advance would mean graduating high school year early.

But in fact I found Rapid Advance too hard. The work was too hard. I did not "get" French, I did not "get” science, which were both given in Rapid Advance but not given to any other 7th grader. And it was all I could do to understand the 7th grade version of geometry which was taught then. I knew I was failing and I had never failed at school before, I had been good at it. I became desperate and finally my mother realized what was going on and came to speak to the Assistant Principal and next day I was informed I was no longer in Rapid Advance, I was in a regular 7th grade class.

That might have been in the Spring. Since everything taught in my regular 7th grade class I had already learned in Rapid Advance, I just dreamed my way thru those last 4 months. I had to absorb the shock of what happened to me, my failure to be a smart kid. I saw all my classmates from Rapid Advance in the hall but kept away from them, I think I was ashamed. And I didn’t really make friends in my new class either. Altho I did become friends with Irene, she was an oddball like me, altho I was trying to fit in and I don’t think Irene was. We discovered we both liked to read so we would walk home from school together and talk about books. At that time I was just reading teen-aged romances which I took out of the school library, but Irene had read “Gone With The Wind” and kept raving about how great it was. So one day I took it out and read it too. I liked it.

When 7th grade ended, my mom said “regular 8th grade has a lot of special classes too, you can be in one of them.” The logical thing would have been to put me in Creative Writing, since writing was the one thing I could and liked doing. Maybe it was filled or maybe she didn’t want to listen to me, because she had enjoyed playing the flute so much in high school, she decided to put me in the orchestra class. And we spent that whole summer up in the Adirondacks with me trying to learn to flute.

And when 8th grade began there I was in Orchestra Class. And then my troubles began! That class had been together in 7th grade, was together now, and would be together in 9th grade. Each one played an instrument and they were all good at their instrument. However I had zero talent for music and zero talent for the flute. LOL again I was up against something which it was clear I would fail at. But that wasn’t my biggest problem with that class. My biggest problem was the year before there had been a very pretty girl in that class with very pretty clothes. And they had all tortured her to death and that Fall she changed schools. I wasn’t aware of it till I joined that class.

Altho I had remembered seeing that girl in the halls. I had liked all her petticoats. She would wear a skirt with many many crinolines, I liked it. But it didn’t take me long to find out that the previous year they had all worn “I hate Natalie” buttons to class, her name was Natalie, and made her life a hell. And I understood perfectly what went on because they were doing the same thing to me. My crime had been being in that smart class. They could have put two and two together and realized if I was no longer in that smart class, which now was a 9th grade class instead of an 8th grade class, it meant I couldn’t keep up, and I am sure they knew I had been taken out of it. But maybe logic has nothing to do with it. I don’t know why they made the decision to tear Natalie apart, maybe just because she was cute and dressed so cute, the ringleader of it may have resented that. And who knows, maybe it wasn’t because I had been in Rapid Advance that the ringleader got everyone after me. I always assumed that was my big crime but maybe I was just a new girl in class and there was bloodlust.

They tortured me for a long time and it was hard. I didn’t tell my mom, I didn’t tell anyone. But going to school was a nightmare for me. The instant I got home I put my nose in a book, I just wanted to escape. My mom didn’t understand and wanted me to go outside for fresh air. I refused. So finally she physically forced me off the couch where I was reading my book, and pushed me out the front door and locked it. And I just stood there. I guess you could say I had reached bottom.

And then one day the orchestra teacher had us each play solo so he could see how good we play. I was dreading it because I knew I could barely play at all, was faking it. The ringleader, Arlene, also played the flute, so did Marilyn Weiss. Marilyn Weiss was the best at flute, the ringleader was second. And really I was not in their class, I was in no class, I didn’t get music at all. And so when I had to play the flute alone, my terror came thru in every note.

And looking back at it now I wonder if that is what saved me. At the time after we put our instruments away and were on the steps Arlene came over to me and said “I really liked the way you played Anne, it made me cry.” And I said “thank you.” But it made no sense to me. I was a disaster. But now I think it liberated me. I mean I think the reason Arlene had organized “I hate Natalie” is because she had decided Natalie was stuck up, because she was pretty and wore pretty clothes. Arlene would have liked to be pretty and wear pretty clothes. She and Lynn were the two popular girls who got invited to all the boys’ Bar Mitzvahs, but I think Arlene was so popular by dint of personality. Lynn was a beautiful dresser and lovely girl. And I guess Arlene had decided I was stuck up because I had been in Rapid Advance. But after I had been such a colossal failure in music in the music class, a public failure, everyone in that class had held their breath in pure pity for me as I played. I guess Arlene felt it was no longer necessary to continue with my destruction. The torture campaign against me ended. Hahaha it turned out to be a wise move on my mom’s part to put me in that orchestra class after all.

Because very soon after that when I answered a question in science class right (we had Mrs. Simon for science, the same teacher I had had before in Rapid Advance for science when I could not “get” science and could not understand anything, now a year later I was starting to grasp what she was teaching) -- Arlene got excited when I answered the question right and asked me if I wanted to do science project with her. Of course I said yes. And she invited Lynn and Marsha to do it with us too. She and Lynn were tied because they were the two popular girls, and Marsha was included because she was Lynn's best friend.

And so we began to meet at my house on Friday nights, or whichever night it was, to discuss our science project plans, and we all became friends. And of course nothing could have been sweeter for me, after my long period of ostracism and torture, to be friends and have friends. We had a wonderful time at our science project meetings. We didn’t talk about our science project, that was quickly decided at first meeting, what we talked about was sex, which we were all hugely interested in.

And one Saturday morning we all went into the city together to the Museum of Natural History to look at their dioramas, we had decided to do dioramas for our science project. And we enjoyed that so much, we went back to the city another Saturday to go to the movies at one of the fancy movie palaces. We saw “Teacher’s Pet.” And then went for ice cream sodas across the street at Howard Johnson's. And another Saturday we came in to see “Bell, Book, and Candle” and had ice cream sodas again across the street. I don’t know who picked the movies, they were not ones I would have picked then, they were quite grown up. But interestingly now they are my two favorite movies, someone in that foursome had very good taste in movies.

Altho as a 12 year old, I did not become 13 till that April, my taste in movies ran to “Tammy” or “Roman Holiday.” I liked movies about runaway princesses or a young girl. “Teacher’s Pet” was about a very successful career woman, and it was in black and white, when I liked color movies. “Bell, Book, and Candle” was odd too.

I don’t think there are any words to describe my happiness that Spring. I was now included in my class. I became best friends with Marsha, we started to play squash together at the neighborhood playground. And I was getting interested in boys. The boys came into the handball court and that made it exciting. And Marsha’s great friend was Stefanie, they lived in same building, and Stefanie and I found out we had a lot in common. We both liked to read plus we liked each other a lot. I never did become close to Arlene or Lynn, a little closer to Lynn, but Stefanie and Marsha became my two best friends and I loved them and they loved me. And I stayed best friends with Stefanie all thru high school and to this day I miss her.

St. Patrick's Day

Happy Spring to all

Tuesday, March 17, 2009, 8:17 am
“St Patrick’s Day”

Maybe I am imagining it but I see the first clump of green leaves out there. It is St Patrick’s Day, which is a day Bill always celebrates. He wears green on it, the day before he chooses green for playing chess on the computer because he says “St Patrick’s Day is tomorrow.” I don’t think he remembered it was St Patrick’s Day today when he forced himself out of bed grumbling, as only he can, to take the truck to the mechanic. It began last night when I went to bed at a normal reasonable hour, hoping this time I will sleep thru the night and not spend hours of it up in the middle. He said “be sure to get me up at 7 tomorrow so I can take the truck in.” “Don’t worry, I will” I said. Which is why I was so surprised when I woke up at 1:30 am to get myself iced water and saw that he was still at the computer playing chess. I didn’t say one word, but he sure did. “I lost every game! and it was all the truck’s fault! I was so bothered about having to bring it in tomorrow, I couldn’t concentrate right!” He was in a fury.

When 7 am came this morning I overslept, but he was up. “I’m leaving now” he called to wake me up. “Wait, I’ll put the carabineer on the door.” “Don’t take all day about it!” he said. And at the door he had a lot to say about how he didn’t want to be doing this. “I love you and give my love to Mark” (Mark is the mechanic) were my last words, just to say something to sweeten the atmosphere. But that set him off more, he couldn’t be sarcastic enough in his comeback.

Then I went back to bed and next thing I knew he had returned. He wasn’t cursing anymore, and greeted the dog in a friendly way, he is always nice to the dog. He said “I’m glad I brought it in so early, before the traffic started, because it rode so rough.” And then he said he’s going back to bed. And I got up and made the coffee and made a hotdog for me to have with my coffee on a roll all nice, and two hotdogs for Beanie, one cut up in little pieces and one a whole hotdog to have in his mouth.

And I had my coffee and hotdog out in yard and woodpecker arrived to peck at the bread I put out yesterday, and Beanie enjoyed both his hotdogs so much. So now both Beanie and I are up on this beautiful morning, with sky so blue and sun so bright, and woodpecker still in my yard with his red head and speckled feathers. Bill is in bed. And Priscilla (Bill’s cat from outdoors) must be somewhere with her babies. She is no longer around very much, only comes to the house in the evening when Bill is playing chess to hang out with him, and Beanie and I are safely faraway in back room. Where her babies are I do not know. But two mornings ago Bill and I both commented to each other “Priscilla is less fat,” and we both said “she has hardly been around.”

It seems like such a metaphor for my life that somewhere I don’t know where, Priscilla has had her babies. That I am only deducing this because she is no longer spending her whole life on top of my refrigerator, and because the day before yesterday, when Bill was out with Beanie, she came in for such a long drink of water, and because she did seem less fat. (O I see what the woodpecker is pecking on. Last night I threw out the last 3 of the very very stale glazed donuts in the yard, he’s pecking at that.) Why I would feel I have a whole other life going on, when only visible signs are comparable to I do not spend every minute on top of the refrigerator and took long drink of water at water trough two days ago, I do not know. It just seems odd to imagine whole earthshaking life for Priscilla and think “I probably have one too.”

Bill took me swimming at Willy’s pool yesterday and he took me early, because he promised to go over to Jim’s house after swimming and help him cut down all his weeds. It was nice arriving early instead of late and knowing I could have my whole swim and we each got our own lanes which was huge treat. And water was nice temperature, sky was very blue, sun was very bright, and it was all filled with light. Nice! Willy was back. He is not there on the weekends and it was nice to see him presiding on deck as usual, he’s such a little king. When he returns after the weekend there is no awareness that the pool ran just fine for the two days of the weekend with just the girl lifeguards around. When he returns he is such a big-shot, he seems in every way indispensable to everything. But it is still a nice sight to see the king back. This is the only pool with a king, because Willy is king of all the pools, but this is the pool where he lives, this pool is his castle.

I was swimming for 10 minutes when a man arrived and said “can I share with you?” “Are you a gentle swimmer or a vigorous one?” I asked, “because if you are very vigorous I will give you the lane and push my husband over and swim with him.” He said “I am in the middle.” I said “OK let’s try it.” He turned out to be a perfect swimming companion, he was way too modest. Because he swam exactly like a fish. You hear that expression “swim like a fish” all the time, and all anyone means when they say it is a person is a good swimmer. But that is not what I mean. It was exactly like swimming next to a big fish. He swam so elegantly and exquisitely, he never broke the water, it really was exactly as if a big fish were sharing my lane, he literally made no waves, just a nice whoosh in the water. I don’t know how he did it. It was like he was there and invisible at same time. It was like swimming with those exquisite lake fish, a bass. I no longer like to share lanes with those who come for their workouts. They punch the water when they swim, literally, it is some new style, to beat it and punch it with every stroke, and then kick hard and make huge splashes. It was like swimming with a tornado, I just try to be as far away from them as I can. Which is why I offered to give him the whole lane and shove Bill over and share with Bill, when I saw him arriving with all the work-out paddles. But he wasn’t like that at all, it really was an honor to swim in same lane with someone like him, the most exquisite swimmer in the universe.

post script at noon, Bill is now up and in good mood, and telling me about last night's show on Coast to Coast. George had Bob Curran on (from Ireland). Bob Curran knows all about the leprechauns and fairies, and said the leprechauns are not always so nice. Bill said this means they could come up and kick you, or overturn the milk can in the barn, or let all the animals out and the corgis would have to round them up, or upset the dogs.

Fresh and new

desert wildflowers
Winds of Change (a story about these past few days)

3/13/09 Friday 7:28 am
"Love and Money"

Nothing has been normal for the past few days. It is very strange. It began last week. For some reason I woke up each morning with a sense of monotony. I guess my days felt exactly the same. Then on Tuesday suddenly the monotony broke. New wild intense energy came in. And instead of "bored out of my mind," it was the reverse. I couldn't bear to live inside my own mind. I was way too nervous. I couldn't calm down for love or money. I remember thinking "what if tomorrow is like this too, I can't stand this?" But then I decided there was no reason for it to keep going on and I would not worry about tomorrow.

Then tomorrow arrived (Wednesday) and I was relieved I felt better. But maybe that is when the explosion of energy hit Bill. He decided to undertake gigantic house cleaning. And even tho he offered to stop in the middle and take me swimming, it didn't seem fair to him. It's easier to do a huge project when you have the momentum going. Altho for some reason my emotions were very keyed up, I would have liked swimming to have helped me relax.

Somehow I got thru Wednesday, and when yesterday arrived I thought "well today I will return to my routines, things will be normal again." But yesterday we set off for the bank on the way to swimming and truck stalled all the way to bank. It made both of us very nervous again.

I had thought the drama of the morning would be money. I was at the bank to deal with fact that the car repair bills, car insurance bill, home insurance, new hot water heater, everything, had been put on a credit card and now the credit card was due. But I was going to borrow a few thousand from another credit card to pay off that one. I was surprised that I wasn't upset out of my mind about the money. I thought "wow this is new for me! that I am not letting it take over my whole mind, and I am relaxed instead of a nervous wreck." But I wound up a nervous wreck because of truck stalling all the way. It is understandable, I was paying gazillions in car repairs for all the work over last few months, the truck should not be stalling in traffic. She said "you have to pay off the $900 on this credit card to borrow $2000 to pay for the other one." I said "I didn't know I owed $900." (I forgot I borrowed it to pay for the new clutch.) "So pay off the $900 now and then you can return tomorrow and borrow the $2000 to pay off the other card." I said "fine!" But Bill said "truck is stalling all the time, we have to go home and not go swimming." So I said "fine!"

There is no logical reason it should have thrown me for such a loop that car was stalling. After all I can see now it could be a little thing broken and not a big thing. But I was inside a mind where everything threw me for a loop. My whole mind was thrown for a loop. It is just odd, that money, which always throws me for a loop, wasn't. Everything else was, but not money which always does. Bill called his mechanic when he got home but instead of Mark saying "bring the truck right over and I'll look at it," Mark said "I can't look at it for a week, bring it over then."

And so yesterday turned into another long day with no routines. I didn't swim, I didn't market, I never knew what I was supposed to be doing, and it was bothersome about the truck. Hahaha everything seemed out of order. But I think I was calmer because it does seem when I rested my head on pillow to calm down, I would fall asleep.

What makes the few days interesting tho, is even tho our nerves were on edge (we fought like cats and dogs all thru it), every once in a while the clouds would part and I would see love is there. It was the contrast, it was trying to hold two things in my mind at same time. On one hand we were fighting and there was emotion, on the other hand I kept trying to hold on to love, and every once in a while it would appear, the clouds would part and there it was. So I would describe the past few days as weathering out storms. They blew and blew. What today will bring I do not know. I no longer have the feeling that things will return to normal. Too many things are disrupted and are in different places. But I am willing to go with the flow, whichever it is.


I tell about my Friday in letter to my mom and my friend Marilyn

Saturday morning
Hi Mom, Hi Marilyn,

After Marilyn's nice email to me yesterday I decided to try to write up the last few days (see above). It is very short. Because it all seems to be weather conditions in my mind. It began with a pure gray world out there, and monotony in my mind. Then suddenly huge change to mind-blowing beauty out there, and unbearable nervousness in my mind. It is odd because I woke up this morning (Saturday) to huge dense wet clouds coming in. The sky is nearly covered with them now, and I have on two sweaters to sit here and type in front of open window. And yet I feel like my life and mind are stabilizing. I realize now I was still intensely nervous yesterday but did not realize it, because it was such an improvement on the days before.

After emailing with both of you, I went into the sunshine to write out checks for bills. Then I got out the gifts I had bought for Mary (Bill’s sister) her birthday is in 2 weeks. Next door to our market, is a discount store, and last time we marketed, Bill and I both went into the discount store first. I wonder now if that was the beginning of this change. Because the reason I wanted to go to the discount store first, was because the idea of marketing seemed monotonous to me, which is strange because I always look forward to it and enjoy it. LOL the idea of food did not interest me or excite me. I saw it as just getting the things I was out of. A necessity.

When I walked in there were two beautiful sundresses, filled with color, but not in my size, but in Mary's size. So I grabbed them for her. And in the skirts in the back, there was a beautiful skirt, a really nice dusky pink, but again not in my size, but her size. So I took all 3 to cash register. Meanwhile Bill had found T shirt he loved, with comic book drawing of the Incredible Hulk on it, Marvel Comics made the T shirt. Bill has begun drawing comics himself, he loves doing it, and on his computer (he has his first computer now) he has found comics from the 1940s, which he finds very interesting. They were done by a young man, a New Yorker, who was going to art school then to be a painter, but working as a night watchman in downtown Manhattan to put himself thru school. And he drew and told the stories of what he saw on the street late at night while most slept. They are wonderful stories, when Bill came in to tell me them I laughed and laughed. So naturally he was thrilled to find T shirts for one dollar made by Marvel Comics with Incredible Hulk on the front of it. They only had Large and XtraLarge so he got one for himself and one for Mary’s husband. I remember it pepped up both of us, and then I went to market happily.

In the end he decided to keep the T shirt with the nice pattern on it for himself, and the 2 comic T shirts which were too huge for him, to give to Mary’s husband and their son.

So yesterday I wrapped up all of them to bring to post office. We went to the bank first where I borrowed $2000 to pay off the credit card with huge interest, she worked it out for me so I would pay no interest at all. What an angel she is! And then it was too late to make the swim pool which is under the blue sky and sunshine. So Bill said “let me take you to the post office now, you can mail off that check to credit card company, mail off your bills, send off the gift to Mary and her family, and then I will take you to Edith Ball. You won’t have your blue sky and sunshine, but at least it is outside, you can swim for whole hour and have their great hot shower afterwards.”

And this turned out to be the charm which did the trick. My favorite postman, Rick, is now manager of the post office. He did a magnificent job of boxing it all up for Mary, and arranged it would get there in 2 days, and it cost me very little money. He did everything for me. It was such a swell favor. And it was a huge relief that everything which had been on my mind was done, bills paid, presents sent, bank transactions accomplished. I was free.

And swimming for whole hour and washing my hair under hot shower was very restoring. I walked out of there a new girl. Finally after 3 days and 3 nights I was relaxed. It felt good. Two girls came in just to take a shower. They are traveling across country, apparently, and said to each other "the truck-stops now charge $3 for hot shower." They were both young and beautiful, one had tattoos all over her body, everywhere. It was so interesting looking at her naked under the shower. I could see why it was sexy and attractive. The other girl was pregnant. Which also made her interesting to look at. I don't know if they knew each other before. There was a baseball game, pre-season game, in the stadium next door. Maybe they were here for that and had met there and come to pool to shower together. They washed each other's backs and giggled a lot together. Because Edith Ball has a warm pool inside, where senior citizens or mothers with babies go, I have never seen young women under the shower with hair dyed unusual colors and tattoos everywhere. LOL it made for great shower viewing. Bill would have loved it but alas no boys allowed in girls shower room.


Sunday, March 15, 2009, 7:33 AM
Fresh and happy after the storm...

It's a beautiful day. Yesterday had every kind of weather in it. All day long it looked like a storm was blowing in. It was totally dramatic weather. But this morning is as beautiful and peaceful as waking up in paradise. Just the sound of a bird chirping and a dog barking. It's Sunday morning in paradise and a lovely spring morning on the desert. Where all the trees in Tucson are now in yellow flower.

They say it is storms which renew the earth, and in a way I can see it now. Because for past week there were lots of storms in my life, or really in my mind and emotions. Hahaha if I were a sea captain and had watched the barometric pressure fall so low, I would have known a huge gale would blow in. But instead I woke up for 4 mornings in a row with a sense of monotony, had no idea where it came from, and shook it off. “Does it mean anything I am waking up to this feeling?” I wondered after the 3rd or 4th day of it. And I decided it didn’t, all I had to do was shake it off and that was that. But then huge gales swept into my mind. I don’t know from where. Nothing in my life had changed. They just swept in on a Tuesday afternoon after I was back from swimming and watching television. I could not contain myself. And then for the next few days they shook everything from the rafters. And then they blew out late yesterday afternoon. And the sea is as peaceful and calm now as if it never happened, as if it were all an imagination. Not even a ripple on that smooth clear sea, whereas there were days when the waves rose so high I wondered if they would capsize my little barque.

And it makes me wonder if it is true what occultists say about having a mental body and an emotional body. Because it seems as if gale force winds swept thru both of them, shook them both up, like a deep spring cleaning. As if someone put out a winter rug out there, pinned it to the line, with all the dust of winter in it, embedded in it. And for 5 days it was buffeted by tremendous wind, till not a speck of dust was left. And now it’s serenely on the line in the sunshine happy and clean, and saying “what me? I never moved an iota, you must be imagining all this.”

lol the universe doesn’t fool around. It sent in gale force winds. This was no puny vacuum cleaner. It gives you some idea of the majesty of our souls that such gale force winds are sent in to do the spring cleaning.

And then the universe says “OK, I made it all fresh and nice for you, you can go back and live in it.” It’s the only time I ever consciously experienced myself being all of them. I was the house being cleaned, I was the cleaner of the house, and I was the gale force winds which did the cleaning. I mean all 3 took place in my own mind. I was the buffeter and the buffeted. I was the house being cleaned and I am the clean house now. And I am the girl walking into the serene clean house, taking up her abode in it again. I know there was a part of me which watched it all from a distance, “What the heck is going on!” I thought, “I don’t like this one bit! All I want is for things to be normal again!” But there is no one else here. It all took place in my own mind. So it had to be me who did all this.

And I will admit everything has been made new and fresh and fluffy again.

Yesterday turned into a very nice day. It was really odd because my internal weather and external weather were such a close match. All day long it looked like it was threatening to storm. Huge clouds were building up. Then it seemed to change direction, there was clearing. Then the clouds came back more. And finally when we set off to Edith Ball pool to swim some drops of rain fell on windshield. “The storm is coming” we both said to each other. But we got to Edith Ball pool, Bill got out first and returned to car saying “sign says pool is closed,” and we set off for the Y instead. And all the way to the Y the sky began clearing and clearing and clearing, and by the time we arrived there, it is a small trip, it was perfectly clear sky and perfect beauty. And we had heavenly swim and heavenly jacuzzi and heavenly hot shower afterwards. And walked out to incredible beauty from all sides. Out there, there are mountains on all sides. “We live in paradise” I thought. And it was beautiful ride home. And we were both in such good spirits. “We got a treat” Bill kept saying.” “Edith Ball did us a favor by being closed” he kept saying. And we were both so happy to be happy again. And I did huge shopping at Sunflower Market, I was out of everything. And Bill went next door to discount store and found the T shirts of his dreams, he was so happy, and there really is nothing like a happy husband. It is like the difference between blue sky and sunshine or stormy skies. One is paradise, the other is stormy weather. He was so happy about his wonderful swim and wonderful jacuzzi and they were all so nice to him at the Y. Instant he arrived at pool, when I said “here I am Bill, you can share my lane,” the man in next lane said “I’m getting out now, you can have my lane.” And the man at desk, Gavin, who looked at our city pass, said “we are happy to have you, enjoy your swim!” “How was it?” he asked me when I was leaving. “It was heaven” I said, “thank you very much.” “You’re very welcome” he said, “I am glad you liked it.’

And Bill was so thrilled with his purchases after such a glorious time, that he said “here, let me put the bags in the car for you.” And then he took them all in when we got to the house and put them all away for me. Life is so easy and pleasant when your husband is in an up mood. He makes your life so easy for you and adds so much joy to it.

And in the middle of the groceries, he was putting them away I was putting up Beanie’s beef steaks to cook, he took his new T shirts out of the bag to show them to me. And I could see why he loved them so much. They were so happy and beautiful and they took my breath away.

My French neighbor back in NYC

Wildflowers bloom on desert
Wednesday, February 4, 2009

“Sibelle and I are now friends on email”

Sibelle was my next door neighbor the whole time I lived at 81 First Avenue. We shared a wall together and heard each others whole life. When I sent her the last story I wrote few days ago, the part she responded to in the story was how I stopped at Walgreen’s on way home to buy new nail polish. She wrote back:

WOW you are wearing nails polish? i am surprised you would do that in the Bundoock, or maybe you have a very social life or just having fun or bored or plain sophisticated? LOL

And for some reason yesterday afternoon I emailed back about the nail polish. I said “you introduced me to nail polish Catherine and I have been wearing it ever since, I love it. And I dress differently in Tucson than I did in New York. I wear skirts and tops, not jeans, and most of my skirts have ruffles on them, and they are all summer clothes and pretty.”

In fact in New York I dressed in rags. I don’t know why? It was a habit I fell into and once I fell into that habit I stayed there.

But in Tucson my Higher Self wanted me to shop to buy pretty clothes, to buy new clothes and to dress pretty and so I have. And it turns out to be very good idea for me. It really lifts my spirits and adds tingle to life, like seltzer, makes it more bubbly and elated, adds oomph. I like wearing new pretty clothes now.

After I wrote Sibelle that little email about wearing nail polish all the time, it makes me happy, and how I dress differently in Tucson, it makes me happy, I decided I would find the tiny little story I wrote two years ago before I was on email with Sibelle about my last day in New York and leaving New York for Tucson. I thought she would enjoy reading it. She is a part of that story even tho she is not in it. I spent my last morning in New York in Sibelle’s apartment. I had brought in all my house plants to give her, also to tell her I was moving to Tucson that day. Hiroko was there visiting. I lived in apt 3B, Sibelle was in apartment 3C, she shared her other wall with apartment 3D which is where Arthur and Hiroko had lived when they lived in New York. Then Hiroko had a baby girl, and then Arthur got a teaching job in Ojai California and they moved there. But we all stayed close with them, me by mail, and Hiroko (who was a painter like Sibelle) would sometimes come to New York and stay with Sibelle. Altho sometimes the whole family came in. And when I brought in my house plants and to tell Sibelle I was moving to Tucson, that day Hiroko was there, she was staying with Sibelle visiting. I brought in the tiny little very pretty evening bags Irene had given me and gave them to Hiroko and she loved them.

And I guess that was the last time I saw Sibelle. We were on the phone quite a bit when I first moved here, but really not that much, maybe 5 short phone calls. Our relationship was neighbors, not on the phone. We saw each other 20 times a day on the steps or in front of the house or in her apt. or mine, but we had never had a telephone conversation before. And our conversation when we saw each other was mainly “show and tell.” She would show me the new thing she bought for her apartment or the new nail polish she was wearing, or her new perfume. I would see her outfit and how pretty it was and comment. Sibelle never wore jeans, only pretty skirts and pretty tops. Really our whole relationship was about clothes. We both love clothes. And of course nail polish, perfume, and lipstick, which we both love. Altho Sibelle wears all of the above, and at the time I just dressed in rags.

The other half of our relationship was the unseen half. Which was that the wall between us was paper thin, so we each heard each others whole life. So really we were more like sisters, each having our own room, and our own parallel lives. She had her friends and I had mine. Altho there was one friend we shared, Micheline. And I guess Hiroko. Altho Hiroko was much closer to Sibelle than me. And I guess Randi who moved in when Arthur and Hiroko left. But Randi became best friends with Sibelle, whereas Randi and I had small bud of friendship. But Sibelle and I shared all the neighbors, and in our tiny tenement all the neighbors were very close. Most of the other neighbors had been born in their apartment and grown up there. They were part of the immigrant wave to the lower east side.

After our 5 phone calls our first year, my first year in Tucson, I rarely talked to her. Occasionally when I wanted to buy a gift for my mom-- since Sibelle always wore expensive French lipstick, I would call up and ask “What shade are you wearing now? What do you love most?” And she would say the Dior shade she is wearing for winter and the Dior shade she is wearing for summer now. And I would find an expensive department store in Tucson which sold fancy French lipsticks and buy both for my mom.

But that was ages ago. And then in November my Higher Self suggested I call her. I didn’t recognize the voice on her answering machine, I thought maybe she had moved to North Carolina, I had found out she bought a house on the beach there. But I left a message anyway. I didn’t expect her to call me back. There was some point when we each obtained the other’s email address and she never emailed me back. But to my absolute shock, she did call me back this past November, two months ago, and we had a really nice conversation, and we gave each other our new emails. And this time email took. We do correspond on email.

It was so close to the election when I called her, maybe a week after it, that we each summoned up our courage and told each other our politics had changed, and we were both amazed we both see things the same way now. That made a very close bond. Because in the circles Sibelle moves in in New York, and with me with all my old New York friends, how Sibelle and I see politics now is taboo. It is grounds for being an outcast. We are “one of them” instead of “one of us” -- the awful evil people, the dullards and the despised by all sophisticates and intelligentsia, the trailer trash redneck contingent. Which is so funny considering that Sibelle is a little French girl, and I am a little Jewish New Yorker whose parents were Reds, a bona fide red diaper baby. And Sibelle comes from the French aristocracy originally, altho she and I became hippies in the '60s, even tho she was still a stewardess then for the French airlines. I don’t think Sibelle was from high up aristocracy, her dad worked for French NATO, and Sibelle grew up in Morocco, her dad was stationed there. But her parents went to all the balls and dinners at the French embassy, it was classy life.

But in New York she met John, who had a nice life back then and was a photographer. They moved to the French countryside and had their two children, I guess they married there. And then came back to live next door to me. When I met them it was a just quick stop-over. John’s sister had found and rented the apartment for them, they were en route to New Mexico. But it is almost 30 years later and Sibelle is still in that apartment, her daughter is married and living in Brooklyn, I don’t know where her son is now, he was two years old when they moved in. John’s life in New York did not work out. Eventually Sibelle forced him to leave. And the last I heard he was living in Woodstock. But Sibelle told me on the phone in November he is now in Heaven. Which is OK, John refused to make a life for himself when his wife kicked him out. He was always completely in love with Sibelle, he always wanted Sibelle. He chose to sink into a life of misery when he couldn’t have her, it is better he have all the happiness Heaven offers, the world held nothing for him without Sibelle.

But I think that is a part of our tremendous closeness now, I mean the sisters aspect between us. We each lived thru with each other all the trials and tribulations our marriages went thru at the same time. We each heard it thru the walls and saw it happening for both of us. Sibelle and I have no secrets because we each were witnesses to everything the other went thru. And you could say as a result we each know each other’s strength. Sibelle had to rebuild her life from scratch without John and I had to rebuild my marriage from bottom up. We each rebuilt our lives from bottom up and we each saw the other doing it.

But any time we attempted to be regular friends, to share thoughts with each other, it never worked. We were never able to click. Which is odd, because we each clicked with Randi, with Hiroko, with Micheline, but we never clicked with each other.

But we did click on the phone in November when we talked about politics. We each were amazed we saw it all the same way. Isn’t that interesting. It is politics which has brought me and Sibelle together as friends. Now we email together like regular friends.

I call my neighbor back in New York

California poppies
7:11 am, November 24, 2008, Monday

“I talk to Sibelle on the phone in New York City”


I was up at dawn, I heard the bird whistle in her nest. Sun has not yet risen above mountains. Altho the top of that tree to my west is that dusky gold it turns when first of sun’s rays hit it.

I woke up betwixed and bewildered. LOL all my habits and routines got disrupted yesterday. We didn’t go swimming because Bill and Jim went to Phoenix to see the game. I had to ration my last pack of cigarettes which meant I never knew what I should be doing, because everything I like to do involves smoking. I would have posted on internet more but that involves smoking, so I went in to lie down and read a book. But instead of reading book I turned on the TV. I had not watched TV in a month, ever since I discovered I could buy paperbacks for 50 cents at the charity bookstore. TV actually worked out. The first show I watched was Ralph Kramden running for Assemblyman from Brooklyn. It was completely wonderful to turn on tv after not watching it for a month and there is Ralph and Alice and Norton and Trixie, and Ralph campaigning for votes. I never saw that show before, and of course now elections and politics are center stage in my life. And after that PBS had a special about Alistair Cooke, and I found that very interesting to watch, and Bill came home in the middle of it.

He said “it was great game even tho the Cardinals lost, it was an exciting game, and they had to park in parking lot so far away, but free buses took them to the stadium, and they arrived just in time for kick-off. And the food in stadium is 15 dollars for sandwich, but Jim who knows Phoenix like the back of his hand took them to a place where they got prime rib sandwiches for $3.95.” Bill said there is a retractable roof, but they kept the roof on because Phoenix was warm yesterday afternoon, so the result is “it was like watching game in a huge shopping mall, except it was so much more crowded and there was so much more noise and they played loud rock and roll.”

I said “would you go back next year?” and he said yes he would, so I guess he did like it. Everything seemed to work. The tickets I had printed up on internet worked fine, the seats were fine “very high up but on a diagonal and Jim had brought his binoculars.” Bill seemed satisfied.

My big news was that in the middle of the afternoon (while Bill was at game) I had called my neighbor Sibelle in New York. When the voice on the answering machine was the voice of a man I did not recognize, I assumed her phone number had been changed. So instead of saying “this is Annie in Tucson, your neighbor from 81 First Avenue,” just in case it actually was Sibelle’s answering machine I just said “Sibelle, this is Annie,” and I left my phone number.

I didn’t think Sibelle would call me back, even if it was her number. But I guess I had gone in to read, it was early in the afternoon, and dozed off, and when I came to I heard a phone ringing, and I wondered who it was. And I did rush in and it was Sibelle. I was so surprised! And she said she listened to the phone message two times to figure out who I was, and finally she did, and she was glad to talk to me.

Of all the old neighbors, only 3 are left in the building. Vie is there, Sibelle is there, and Hank upstairs. But Sibelle and Hank are no longer speaking, but she and Vie are very close, and she helps Vie out. She said her daughter Amy is married and lives in Brooklyn now, I didn’t find out what her son Roy is doing. She said she has a website and her paintings are up on her website.

And I asked about Arthur and Hiroko, who used to live next door to her with their little girl, but who moved to Ojai California about 6 years before I moved to Tucson. Sibelle and Hiroko remained best friends, they are both artists and Hiroko would stay with Sibelle each time she came to New York. In fact Hiroko was staying with Sibelle the morning we left for Tucson. I had some pretty little beaded evening purses Irene had given me and I brought them in to see if Sibelle or Hiroko wanted them. Hiroko did. Plus I also brought Sibelle my plants. I had so many beautiful avocado plants growing on my fire escape then, and I brought them all in for Sibelle. I gave Vie my pink begonia, and Sibelle said “why didn’t I give that to her too, she always wanted a pink begonia.” I gave Hank one of my huge avocado plants too.

Hiroko’s little daughter was only 3 or 4 then but I realized she must be young woman now. And when I asked Sibelle on phone yesterday she said “funny you should mention Arthur and Hiroko because she hasn’t thought about them for years, they are still in Ojai, but their daughter came to New York recently, so Sibelle saw her, their daughter is now 24 years old.”

It wasn’t that easy talking to Sibelle on the phone. I understood her French accent, but whether it was because she was on cellphone or because of the language thing, everything seemed to be miscommunication. When I said “Hiroko’s daughter must be young woman now,” Sibelle thought I was talking about her daughter and said “yes she is married and living in Brooklyn.” When I said “I wanted to call you and decided I would when Bill went to the game with his friend in Phoenix,” Sibelle heard that as “Bill moved out, is no longer living with me, and lives with his aunt.” It took 3 whole conversations to say “Bill and I are still here together in our house.”

Sibelle said she bought a house in North Carolina on the beach and it was the best thing she ever did in her life. I had known that from a previous conversation 5 years ago, but back then I found out she didn’t live in her house, she just rents it out. So when I said “you rent it out?” She said she goes there and goes to the beach. She said her apartment in New York turned out to be a treasure because she is in the middle of everything and her rent is still low because of rent control. She said “everyone else in the building now moves in for a year and then they move out again, no one stays.” I am sure the rent is sky high, there is no reason to stay. Only she and Vie and Hank are on rent control. She said she has a website now and all her paintings are up on her website. There are about 30 of them and she will send me the address on email, and her email address is Sibelle at gm.com. And I never heard of gm.com as an email address, but I wrote it down. And luckily at end of the conversation I said “your address is GM.com? like General Motors?” And she said “no! gmail.com” and that made more sense.

The conversation did not get interesting till we talked about politics. We both danced around each other, each assuming the other was still a left-winger, but then it turned out we both said “Sarah Palin is a breath of fresh air,” we both said how much we like her. Sibelle said “I was liberal and Democrat my whole life but now I am changing, I am almost a Republican.” And I said how I have changed a lot too. And she said “a lot of the artists in New York have.” And I was surprised at this. Sibelle said “you must have heard about the big shift, the planet is in a new place now, and as a result people are no longer left and right, everything is in the center now.”

I wondered if Sibelle knew about the Planetary Awakening in 2012 but I was afraid to introduce ambitious topics. Because when I said “Bill is a painter now and was in an art show,” she thought I said “Bill moved out and lives with his aunt.” And when I asked about Hiroko’s daughter she thought I was asking about hers. I thought if I said “have you heard about the planetary awakening,” we would misunderstand each other for 20 minutes before we got near talking about the same thing.

I was amazed we were able to click talking about Sarah Palin, we saw eye-to-eye about her, and that was gratifying to both of us and big surprise to both of us. Sibelle said she is tired of arguing about her, “so many people say bad things about her.” She said “you know what New York is like.” I said “yes New Yorkers are emotional.” She said “yes, so much fighting about politics.” She said “I am sure it is not like that where you are, it is like that here because everyone lives in tiny apartment, is so intense.” I understand Sibelle’s mindset because I used to be a New Yorker. She assumes that everything is different everywhere else. She doesn’t realize it is the same everywhere, that there is no boundary. She thinks there is a boundary around New York City, and in the City it is one way and outside the boundary it is all completely different. But this boundary exists in her mind, not in reality. The same thoughts feeling emotions intensities and fights about politics are taking place everywhere.

Sibelle said everything is fine for her now but she could use a little more money and I said “it is the same with me, all is fine, but I wish I had more money.” She said “this financial thing is scary.” I said “prices are going down, things are very affordable, a new computer now is $250 and flat screen monitor is $150.” And she said “prices are going down for you but here in New York everything is going up, food has become very expensive, it’s where you are that prices are going down.” But again, this is her idea that New York is one thing and rest of country is something else. Because the new computer and flat screen at Office Depot which is so affordable, all she would have to do is click on Office Depot on her computer, and order it, and it would come right to her at the same price.

And I don’t believe the price of food is higher in New York than out here. Sibelle is just having the same experience I am, that all the money seems to go for food these days. She has fantasy about rest of country, that we don’t have strong feelings about politics, or that we pay one thing for a new computer and New Yorkers pay something else.

But I didn’t try to break thru that with Sibelle. She is so sure that is how it is, she sees it that way, that we live in different world out here, lol to her mind it could be another planet. That is how I saw it when I was a New Yorker so I understand and I didn’t see how I could change her mind.

And then she said she is on cellphone and the minutes are expensive and I had thought weekends were free for cellphone, so I said “of course I understand.” She said “email me, we will do all our talking on email.” And we each gave each other our emails. Last time Sibelle gave me her email at Yahoo she never answered any of my emails, but maybe she is a real email person now. If she is on cellphone and the minutes are expensive, maybe she has switched to email. It would be nice to continue conversation with Sibelle on email.

A neighbor in tenement building in New York, where you share a wall, and the walls are paper thin, means you know their whole life and they know your whole life. For the whole time you live there you hear all their conversations on the phone, they hear all of yours. They hear you in the kitchen, you hear them. You heard them giving their little boy his bath when he was 3, you heard the police call when the boy is 16, saying “he is arrested and at the precinct come get him!” You pass each other on the steps five times a day. And each time she got something new, she called me in so I could see it. It’s a totally intimate way to live. For the whole time we were neighbors, we knew every intimate detail of each others life. There was no way not to.

I shared my other wall with Vie and the result was Vie and I knew each others life too. But her life had no drama in it, was not like Sibelle’s and mine. Vie’s life was, she would come back with her shopping and take everything out of the bag and call out to her husband in bed what she bought and how much it costs. And then she would read out everything which was on tv, and then they would watch tv. And I would know what was on from what she called out. And sometimes I would just listen in to the show thru the wall, and hear them laughing. They loved their favorite shows.

I watched Sibelle’s daughter and son grow up. Amy was about to turn 8 and Roy was about to turn 3, when they all moved in. And when I left Amy was already living with her boyfriend in the East Village and was about to move to Phoenix with him. And in fact, soon as we moved into the Tucson house the following year, Sibelle was up in Phoenix visiting her daughter and her boyfriend. She called me from Phoenix and said "Amy took her to Sedona and Sedona is beautiful.”

But Amy didn’t stay in Phoenix, she moved to California, and then moved back to New York City. And is no longer with the same guy she was with since she was 15 years old. Roy was always getting arrested just before I left, but it was before he was 18, so all Sibelle had to do was come to the Precinct around the corner and get him. But the year after we moved to Tucson he was 18, so when he got arrested then it was a long court suit, and her parents in France had to send the money for the lawyer. But he is in his 30s now and I am sure all worked out fine, altho I didn’t get to ask what he is doing now.

Of course I would love to hear all about Amy and Roy, I know them since they were children. I even remember when Amy turned 12 and that big change started. Instead of being involved in roller blades she was involved in washing her hair. And I was so interested she went out and bought Breck shampoo for the big era of hair-washing which launches our teenaged years. Breck shampoo was what I bought when I launched my hair-washing which launched my teenaged years. It was the first time I went to the drug store and chose my own shampoo for my own hair instead of using the family shampoo in the family shower. My mother must have bought some big jug of castile soap which she poured into a ketchup bottle (the kind on the Formica tables in coffee shops) and everyone used that. But when I wanted to be beautiful at 12 years old I went and bought myself Breck shampoo and washed my hair all the time with that.

It all begins with washing your hair, and it all begins with Breck shampoo....

"A very big Monday"

my friend Yukon who lives in Alaska took this photo
Wednesday 8:52 am 1/21/09
“A very big Monday”

Well the plan for Monday was take the truck to emissions, then take me to Lane Bryant, then to the YMCA swim pool near Lane Bryant, then come home, then Bill would go to the movies. I had called on Friday to see if Emissions was open Monday Martin Luther King Day and to my happy surprise they said "yes." Then I called the Y to see if they were open and to my happy surprise they said yes. Bill dreads emissions and hates it, but I always enjoy it, so I was looking forward to my Monday outing for whole week-end. We had just found out that the YMCA accepts the city swim pool card during this time when most of the city pools are closed, they let us swim in their pool, and I was curious to try it. I heard it was an outside pool and nice.

And I had bought a skirt on-line from Lane Bryant which I wanted to return. The truck had been in the shop for so long (since day after Christmas) and we had just gotten it back few days before. And during that whole long time Bill had taken me swimming and grocery shopping in the 2nd hand Chrysler. But that car has problems too, Bill did not feel secure going further than swim pool and grocery store in it. But I really wanted a treat. The holidays had been so long and dismal, with all the trauma and drama of truck towed home on Christmas Eve, and then Bill wondering if he could drive it to the mechanic at the dealership (would it go that far? even if it is just 2 miles away). Then after he succeeded getting it there, there was the dramatic phone call about the bill. "You need a new clutch" Dave said, "it is $900." "But you just put in a new clutch day before Christmas 2 years ago, I paid $900 then." "OK I'll look deeper" he said. And so I was all worked up about the bill. I didn't even ask Bill to take me to Lane Bryant, he makes such a fuss about it during the best of times. I just got on internet, clicked on clearance, and took a look. There was a beautiful skirt at a great sale but it turned out to be all gone. But there were two nice skirts, they seemed nice in the picture, and I decided to order them.

A lot of people prefer shopping on-line but I am not one of them. I love going to stores. I love looking at all the stuff they have there. I love chatting it up with the sales girl. For me it is a little like being taken to a toy store as a very little girl, I am entering a store of all treats, I am going to buy myself a treat, I love everything about it. And I love consulting with the sales girl. My system is very simple. First I say "take me to clearance." Then I say "pick out what you love best." And then I buy it. It always works. She takes me right to the few items she loves best in clearance, finds it in my size, and then we go over and pay for it. But somehow a lot of time and chatting goes on. It is a totally enjoyable experience for me.

The last thing Bill and I expected when we just paid $900 to the dealership and got truck back few days ago, was that it would fail emissions test. We were both shocked. Bill drove the truck all the way back to dealership and told Dave, but all he said was "you can bring it in tomorrow if you want." So then Bill took it to Mark and Larry who do the work on the 2nd hand Chrysler and there was a mechanic there, a very nice guy who knew all about cars, and he studied the paper Bill got from emissions which says what is wrong, and he said "it means you have a problem with your carburetor." He said "Mark, the owner, will be back tomorrow and he is the carburetor expert, let him look at it." I was stunned it was a carburetor problem cause Dave at the dealership had replaced the carburetor two years ago (the week before Christmas) at the same time he replaced the clutch. In fact I hadn't known the clutch was bad, till he replaced the carburetor, took it out for a test drive, and called me and said "you need a new clutch."

It was such heaven to be at Mark and Larry's. That nice mechanic looked just like when I was a very little girl with my daddy, and we stopped at Applebones garage in Old Forge for gas, and the teen age boy would wash the windshield while I was there, a country boy. And he looked like a young beautiful god to me. I always thought when I become a teenager and have a boyfriend, I want a boyfriend just like this. The mechanic who was so nice to us at Mark and Larry wasn't pretty, he was very odd looking, but everything about him was exactly the same. He really looked like a guy who liked to tinker with cars, my childhood ideal. And he was so nice and he knew so much, and was so expert.

And then Mike came over to say hi. Mike of course looks exactly the opposite of the skinny teenage gas station boys I adored as 5 year old girl. I don't know how tall Santa Claus is, but if Santa Claus were tall and younger, he would look like Mike. I guess he is a big warm bear of a man. There is huge love between me and mike because 2 summers ago his dog had 14 puppies, and no matter how hard he tried he could not find homes for them. Bill and Mike are friends from all the times Bill brought the Chrysler there and also from getting gas there, and Mike had put a lot of pressure on Bill to adopt one of the puppies. Bill wanted to anyway, he loves dogs, but we had two then. But his heart really went out to the puppies. “They are born during this inferno summer, it is so hot, it is hotter than hell out there, we have to help them find homes,” he said to me, “ask all your friends.” And of course Mike was desperate to find homes for them, he did not want to take them to the pound. I asked all my friends with no luck, Bill asked all his friends with no luck. But it could have been that very same day, when we were talking about it all day, that the idea suddenly hit me about Craig’s List. “Let me ask Margot how to advertise them on Craig’s List.”

So I emailed Margot and she told me exactly how to do it. And I did it that afternoon. I had to call Mike, that was when I met him, on the phone, I introduced myself. I called him at the Shell station to ask for his home phone number to put in the ad, and to read to him what we had written. Bill had helped me, he had come up with a very good sentence to describe the puppies. And Mike said they have beautiful glossy coats because he feeds them the expensive puppy chow, so I added that and the other information Mike gave me.

And by a happy miracle Mike and his wife started receiving phone calls for the puppies that evening. And I started to be on the phone with his wife, because some of the emails were going to Craig’s List which were then coming to me. And in a few days half the puppies were adopted.

Then I guess it dropped off. I called Mike’s wife and there were still 5 puppies left, so I put in another ad, I only changed the age of the puppies because now they were older. And by a miracle they were all adopted. I had put the ad in both Tucson and Phoenix Craig’s List, and a woman called Mike from Phoenix and said “if you are willing to meet me half way, I will adopt two of them.” A lot of them who adopted were from Phoenix.

Mike was so overjoyed all the puppies were adopted, his wife was so overjoyed, Bill was so overjoyed and I was so overjoyed. And in my last phone call with Mike’s wife, she said how they have a little son but watching all the puppies had gotten her own juices running, she just got back from the doctor today and he told her she will have a boy and it will be born in November and she was overjoyed.

And that was my last contact with Mike or his wife till Monday (the day before yesterday). In my mind the big news was still the baby, but Mike recognized me in the truck and rushed out to tell me he is getting letters from people in Phoenix who adopted the puppies and they enclose photos of the dogs now. He is so happy. And he did say “yes now they have two boys, the little one is 14 months old now.” But I guess he was still so happy and excited about good homes for all those puppies, he loved me so much, and he thanked me so much. “I was just the secretary” I said, “it was all Bill, he cared so much about those puppies, he wanted so badly for them to have good home.” Anyway, it was all swimming in love, which is what I like. The young mechanic who is so expert told Bill “Mark will be back tomorrow, he is the carburetor expect, bring the truck in then.”

I had assumed since we failed emissions since we now have a carburetor problem, that Bill would never consent in a million years to have an afternoon of treats for me. I assumed once he gets upset about something, then it’s all a bust. I’ve never seen my husband consent to be happy when things are going wrong, usually we just wait around at home in a very tense state. I thought “So much for swimming and buying myself treats at Lane Bryant!” I was shocked out of my pants when Bill said “now I take you to the dress store and then we go swimming at the new Y and see what it is like.”

I was shocked and thrilled and overjoyed. I had no idea any happiness was on the agenda for us at all. I was so touched I actually kissed him in the car. And I waltzed out of the truck when we arrived at Lane Bryant.

I had forgotten that he thought we were only going there to return one of the skirts I had bought on internet. He was so tense when we were leaving for emissions at the start, that all I said is “we have to stop at Lane Bryant so I can return the skirt.” But my plan was always to shop while I was there. I hadn’t been there in ages and I hadn’t shopped in ages, I was really looking forward to it.

I showed the skirt I was returning to the sales girl and she agreed with me: “it was way too long, it would just pick up dust.” And we went over and she took it off my charge account, and then I paid for the other skirt which was on my charge account. Whether I would have bought that skirt at that price if I had actually seen it in the store, I don’t know, it wasn’t what I imagined it would be and the clearance price on it was not that great at all. But it really did save me during that long dismal time. One evening after the pool my spirits suddenly rose, and it wasn’t absolutely freezing when we got out, and I wanted to wear something pretty instead of bundling-up-for-the-cold clothes. So after my shower I put on the new skirt and a nice top, and it was the first time I was happy. Hahaha it was my statement to the universe I am ready to be happy again. I was dressed for the occasion.

“So what do you have for me?” I asked, and she took me over to clearance and she picked out two tops for me. And when we went to skirts there was only one kind in my size, but she said she loves it and plans to buy one for herself. Other than the first top she chose for me in clearance, I wasn’t crazy about what she chose, but I have discovered when I get home I always like what she picks out for me. At the cash register I told her the whole story about emissions. I said “I only get to come here when my husband takes the car to emissions,” and I said how the truck had failed and my husband had been so upset on the drive back to the mechanic. She said “I know, then you have to spend all that time calming them down.” “Yes!” I said “exactly!” I was touched she understood so perfectly. I had let Bill blow off steam for half the drive all the way back, but the rest of the drive I had tried to calm him down. She said “well look at the stuff when you get home, if you don’t like it you can always return it.” I said “yes, we will have to come back this way, because he will have to bring the truck back for emissions” and I burst out laughing in joy and merriment, and I turned around and Bill was there.

I don’t think he minded I was laughing and giggling about returning very soon because of emissions, he was mad because it had been such long wait in hot car. “I thought you were just going to return something.” “You haven’t brought me here in months and months, of course I will want to shop.” “I will take you” he said, “you just need to ask, I just didn’t want to go in the broken Chrysler.”

And then we set off to find the Y. It turned out to be easy to find and close by Lane Bryant. They accepted our city pool cards, told us where the swim pool was, and where the changing room was.

In the changing room I started to laugh at myself as I was putting on my bathing suit. I laughed because when I had thanked the guy at the desk for letting us in, I said “this is really nice of you, we really appreciate it because we just got back from emissions and the truck failed.”

It just seemed so funny to me as I was changing into my bathing suit that I had told the guy at the desk “we just failed the emissions test.” I giggled and the woman who had just arrived and was taking off her clothes said “what is so funny?” So I told her the whole story. And of course I realize now she did not understand one word of it. Because Rosie, that is her name, is from Bosnia, she has only been here a few years, she and her brother spend 6 months in Tucson and then the 6 hot months back in their house in Bosnia. And no way is her English good enough to understand why I thought it was so funny that after we failed emissions test, I told the girl at Lane Bryant and now I just told the guy at the desk too. I don’t think she got any of the story, how we went to Lane Bryant because they have pretty dresses and I wanted something pretty. In the pool I swam next to Rosie and we had conversation, and I discovered the very simplest thing is hard for her to understand. “What country are you from?” she asked me. I was so surprised. “I am from New York City” I said. “Me too” she said, “I am from Chicago.” Then she said how she is from Bosnia and they have that house there. I thought it was tactless to say ‘I am familiar with Bosnia because of it being in the news,’ so I said “I know where Bosnia is, it is in eastern Europe.” And she said “southern Europe.” And I said how my grandparents came from Poland and the Ukraine. And she was very gratified. “Aha!” she said. Somehow from the instant she laid eyes on me Rosie had decided I was kinsman of hers.

After I told her the story in the locker room, which I now realize she did not understand one word, she said “I am Rose” and I said “I am Annie.” “Where is the swim pool” I asked her, and she led me right to it. “Is there a Jacuzzi” I said. “Yes” she said and pointed. By now I was feeling so warmly towards her I was holding her hand and calling her Rosie. When Bill arrived I said “this is my friend Rosie” and introduced Bill to Rosie too. And then I saw Jeff. “O Jeff we just failed emissions,” and he made very sympathetic face, people are so sweet. “Jeff, this is my friend Rosie” I said and he gave her a very nice hello. It was very reassuring to see Jeff. He is the one we swim with at the public pool, we never expected to see him here. And somehow it made everything beautiful that here was Jeff our old friend and Rose my new friend, and Bill was so happy to see Jeff too.

And Rosie and I chatted in the lane as we swam. We both said how much we love Tucson and that it is paradise. She speaks very good English but her comprehension is still slender. She had decided I had just moved to Tucson yesterday, and it was hard for me to shake her of that idea.

The swim was lovely. I was absolutely amazed I was swimming under blue sky and sunshine happily, instead of suffering at home. Always in the past our response to things going wrong is to just suffer at home. And when Bill and I both hit the jacuzzi after 45 minute swim, I thought I had died and gone to Heaven. I have not been back in a jacuzzi for almost 4 years, since we left the Club. It was soooooooo luxurious, it was Heaven.

And when we got home Bill said he will go to movie. I was thrilled he was willing to be happy, and not upset, and I very happily and contentedly watched all my tv shows and had lots and lots to eat. But when he got back from the movies all hell broke loose, it turns out he was very upset about the broken carburetor, didn’t know if it could be fixed, and what would we do.

And the next morning (yesterday morning) he was even madder about it all, and I thought “O no today is going to be an ordeal,” and there was yelling and screaming on both sides. But then he took the truck to Mark and Larry, walked home, and returned home calm, and actually did take his shower and drink coffee. And so I calmed down too. And eventually Mark called, and I was so relieved to hear Mark say he thinks he can fix the carburetor and it will cost $150. And I was so relieved it was not $900 which is what the dealership charges for everything, and that it could be fixed.

And I brought the phone out to Bill, he was reading in the front yard, and he too was very relieved. “Mark seemed confident he could fix it” Bill said. “Yes” I said. “I guess we will just take the cars to them then” Bill said, “the dealership screwed up the clutch and they screwed up the carburetor, Mark and Larry are better mechanics and their prices are so reasonable.”

And we actually had a very nice calm happy talk in the living room together about how we will only bring the cars to Mark and Larry now. “That’s it for the dealership” I said. “Yes” Bill said. “It’s better” Bill said, “they are better mechanics because they like to tinker, they don’t go by the system, and the walk home is so much shorter and so much more pleasant, the job gets done so much faster and the prices so reasonable.”

And so I guess the era of bringing the truck back to the dealership where we first bought it when we moved to Tucson is over. And we are just with Mark and Larry now for everything....

"Car Mirror Falls Off"

these pics I found on web of bobcat kitten look just like our Priscilla
altho of course Priscilla is just a little backyard alley cat from the lanes who adopted us


9:43 am Friday January 9 2009
"Car mirror falls off"

Well I guess today marks the day of the season which no one talks about (because it doesn't have a name) but I call it "waiting for Spring" and it is one of my favorite seasons. It seems to start the day after you think "OK I've had it with winter! I am now ready for spring." And it's like "at your service, madam" the next day "waiting for Spring begins". I don't know if the sap has actually moved up the trees in my yard, if the tops of the trees are actually reaching for heaven, which is the exact beginning of "waiting for spring," but my eyes are drawn to the tops of the trees looking for it. And maybe that is enough. The field of activity will take place there and I am already in position watching. Hahaha like already taking your seat at a sporting event, you know the game will begin any minute. And last night the Moon sure looked Full, especially by the wee hours of the morning. I bet instant Moon hits exact Full "waiting for spring" will begin. At the very least it is in the mind's eye now. And Buddhist New Year (maybe on the next full moon or new moon) is coming up.

Well all our outdoor kitties seem to have discovered Priscilla has soft berth here. They know food is always put out for her. And we have been having lots of visitors during the night when we sleep. Priscilla sleeps with Bill of course, and she sleeps to noon. Bill's friend Jim wasn't surprised to hear it. He said his cat sleeps with him too but she sprawls in the middle of the bed, he gets pushed to the edge and finally it is so uncomfortable he moves over to the sofa. So then she gets up to sleep with him there.

O my goodness! a cat is screeching in heat! I bet it is our Priscilla! She is totally embarrassing herself. O now she is spitting and fighting! I can't see it, I can hear it. She does not treat her boyfriends well, she spits and fights and bites. It makes Beanie seem so good by contrast, all he does is walk quietly around his yard and bury his cookies. He has nothing to do with this absolutely wild cat party going on. It's like watching one child in second grade classroom sitting calmly at his desk with his hands folded waiting for his homework assignment while all the rest are hanging from the chandeliers and doing spitballs.

Yesterday when we arrived at Willy's pool for our swim in the 2nd hand Chrysler (truck is still in the shop) Bill got out, but I had to organize all my stuff, put my purse in my swim bag, find my towel, take off my long sleeve shirt etc. Maybe it was when I was taking off my long sleeve shirt, I merely bumped something, not hard, and I felt something fall and when I turned around to find out, it was the mirror attached to the windshield. I knew Bill would take that very seriously and I called him back. "O NO!" he said, "it's your fault, you have too much stuff." It looked like it had just been glued up on there, so I said "wait! I'll get Willy! he has all the tools." I thought we could just glue it back. Willy came out with me, but he said the same thing happened to him last week, he told Bill he went to Pep Boys and bought the kit, but it takes 24 hours to dry, and he learned the hard way he should have made an x with a pencil to mark the spot. Bill said it happened to him years back and there is a place on Columbus Road which did it in 10 minutes. Willy said he didn't know about that.

So Bill said “Get back in the car Anne, we'll go over there now.” He was worried the place wouldn’t be there any more, “things change” he kept saying “and not always for the best.” And we went there and it wasn’t there. So we tried Columbus Glass and Mirror, the place Willy had guessed Bill meant, but they don’t do cars. So we went to Pep Boys and he said we have to go to an auto body and glass shop, and gave us a card for one by Swapmeet. Bill said “I’m not going all the way over there.” So he said “well then go home and look up one in the phone book.”

So we got home, and Bill said "Look on the computer and find one close to us." They were all far away, but one had a close-to-us address so I called. I don't know why the guy, he said his name is Cort, found it all so humorous, but whatever I said he cracked a joke, which naturally put me in a good mood, it made it all seem so no-big-deal. Car terminology is just not at my fingertips. I should have said "the mirror fell off the windshield," but the word windshield was not in my mind, so instead I told him the story. "I just bumped it the least little bit and it fell off" I said. I thought I was clear. But it was a Tucson auto glass company, he kept trying to understand what glass was broken. Clearly he thought I was an idiot. So he approached the problem with baby steps to try to figure out what was broken. "What kind of car do you have?" he asked, and I told him all about our 2nd hand Chrysler, I did not understand why he wanted that info. But finally it dawned on him what the problem was. "The mirror fell off your windshield?" he asked. "YES!" I said "YES!" "So no glass is broken?" "No, no glass is broken." "Is the mirror broken?" "No" I said, "it fell into my lap, so it had a soft ride home" and I burst out laughing. "Well that's no problem" he said, "this happens all the time, it just happened to me this morning because I have a very old car, the UV in the sunlight simply eats up the adhesive, it happens in new cars too. It wasn't your fault it happened, it would have happened anyway." I had told him I bumped it and Bill said it was my fault for having too much stuff.

I guess he doesn't have a shop because he said he will come over to fix it. I said "you will want to be paid in cash not with check or the card." He said "right." I said "how much will it cost, I'll look all over and see how much cash I have." "15 dollars" he said. "15 dollars!" I said "that is great! that is nothing." And then he made another joke "did I say $15 I meant $150." I knew it was a joke. And he said "that is a joke." "I knew it" I said. "When do you want me to come over?" "Now" I said. "Now?" he said. "Yes, now." Bill had said he wanted it fixed now. "OK "he said, "I'm coming over, what is your address?" And I sure thanked him a lot and got off the phone to tell Bill the good news. Bill said he has a $20 and a ten. I said "good! give him the $20, 5 dollars for tip."

And then I went to the couch in backyard to relax in sunshine, the house is ice cold. My Higher Self said he will be there in 15 minutes so I just lay there and chit-chatted with my Higher Self and communicated with Cort in my mind too. And Beanie came out so he could lounge next to me on the ground and have gazillion pets. And eventually I heard what sounded like voices in my front yard but I could not be sure. And then Bill came out and said “it’s done, but we have to wait 10 minutes, then I will take you to Edith Ball Pool and we will go to Sunflower to buy food for Beanie and groceries.” “Great!” I said “great!” “Did you give him the $20” I asked. “Yes” he said, “he was very appreciative.” “Good!” I said “good!”

And 15 minutes later we set off for the swimming pool again, a different pool tho cause Willy's is closed. And it was a really nice swim and Jeff was there, I was surprised and happy to see him. And delicious hot showers. Willy's showers have not gotten warmer, they have gotten colder. Now all the girls are happy when it turns tepid from ice cold, the day we thought it would be hot are just a memory.

And we did nice little shopping at Sunflower. Bill waited in car. There were a lot of instructions. "Don't touch the mirror!" he told me, "don't slam the door! and have all your stuff organized so you don't bump it!" "I promise I will be very careful" I said. When we got out of Sunflower I guess sunset was starting. I really rarely do get to see sunsets, none of my windows face it, and usually I am watching tv anyway. But when things go wrong, hahahaha, somehow it always means you are driving in the car at sunset, you do get to see the sunsets. Of course usually it is a beauty show involving pink. But yesterday was one of my favorites because you so rarely see it. It all involved yellow light, a pale yellow, almost lemony. It was so subtle and so beautiful it took my breath away. I loved it. And all’s well that ends well.

“The Marriage proposal”

photo of eagles posted by my friend in Alaska
“The Marriage proposal”
Written Sunday morning, January 18, 2009

Yesterday Bill took me to Willy's pool. We had not been there for a few days, we had been going to Edith Ball Pool at sunset. It was nice to see the Sun sparkling on the water again, to be back in all that light and beauty, that alive sparkling lit-up world. Mary, the lifeguard, said "the pool is cold, one of the heaters is not working right." So naturally I put off going in the water, I stood by her lifeguard stand and talked to her.

Because it is Martin Luther King Day weekend (the pools are closed tomorrow for the holiday, and for me it began few days ago on his actual birthday; Bill and I had gotten married on whatever day Martin Luther King Day fell on that year, because Bill was off from work and we went and got married) I told Mary "it is my wedding anniversary." She was curious. "How long have you been married?" she asked. And when I said "we got married that day because Bill was off from work for Martin Luther King Day and it rained and sleeted and hailed," she said "then it couldn't have been in Tucson, because it just became a holiday for us a few years ago." I said "it was in New York City." I said "because Bill is Catholic, first I went to the Catholic church in my neighborhood to ask the priest to marry us, but he said absolutely no because I am not a member of the community, and I just want it so I can have picture of church in my wedding pictures." Mary said "I am Catholic, and the priest was very rude to me too, when I asked if I could marry in the church, he said 'unless you put a donation in the envelope every week, you are not part of this community.'" Mary was still mad about it. She said "fine! you won't baptize my children and then they will go to hell!" Mary had more emotions because she is Catholic girl (I hadn't known that) and grew up in Catholic schools, she felt betrayed by the church. I hadn't thought anything. I had just walked out, walked the 5 blocks to the synagogue across the street from me, and asked the rabbi if he would marry us, and he said no also. And then I realized I had a problem on my hands. Getting married wasn't so easy.

"If you were a Catholic girl, you got to wear one of those beautiful white bride dresses for First Holy Communion" I said to Mary, "I always wanted that when I was a little girl." "Yes I did" she said. "You are lucky." She said she didn't wear white brides dress for her wedding, she wore lavender. I think in the end she went to Justice of the Peace. "Lavender is one of my favorite colors, I bet you looked pretty in it, with your blond hair, I bet you were a beautiful bride." Mary just smiled. But with her lovely blond hair and blue eyes, and sweet face, in a lavender dress, I bet she did look pretty, she is a beautiful woman. "There is only one picture, the others didn't come out.” "I'd love to see it" I said. It was the first time I had ever wanted to see someone's wedding photos, I don't know why. I guess because I know Mary and I love her, and I have only seen her in lifeguard clothes, a bathing suit and sweatshirt in winter, or bathing suit in summer. I never saw her in a dress, and it seems special, the dress she wore to her wedding.

It was time for Mary to go off duty, another lifeguard was replacing her, and she pointed out I only half hour to swim now, I might as well jump in. And it was good timing anyway, her kids are all teenagers now, but she and her husband have been having awful war for past year, neither of us wanted to go in that direction.

When she asked how long had I been married, I said how Bill and I had lived together for 16 years first and then I needed dental work and Bill had dental insurance from his job, so I said "let's get married," and he said "you have put up with my bullshit for so long I guess you deserve it." And so we went to get the Marriage License the next day. I laughed and said to Mary "that was my marriage proposal." She giggled and said "not very romantic." It was the first time I had told anyone how Bill proposed to me. "I was surprised" I told Mary "I thought he would be happy to marry me."

Mary was on board about getting married for dental insurance, "that's as good a reason as any" she said, but she didn't think the marriage proposal was romantic. I didn't care about dental insurance. I think once you have lived with someone for that long there has to be a precipitating factor to push it into marriage, otherwise you just keep letting it go. But you always know you want to get married, you are just procrastinating, it's an inertia. You are grateful for the precipitating factor which pushed you into it because it is what you always wanted. I actually find Bill's marriage proposal, which I never till yesterday thought of as a marriage proposal, interesting. It just describes our life so perfectly. It just sounds so much like me that I would say "Bill, dentist says it will cost 1600 dollars, you have dental insurance, let's get married." And Bill would say "you deserve it after what I have put you thru."

I really have no idea how anyone else got proposed to. You see it in the movies all the time but I have not heard specifics from one single other person.

Christmas Eve Tow-truck Adventure

self portrait of Elisabeth Vigee Le Brun, friend of Marie Antoinette
8:40 am Christmas 2008 Thursday
"LOL It all began with stars in my eyes"

It is a quiet fogged in Christmas morning. I have the windows open and am sitting here in 3 jerseys and a corduroy long skirt. The wind is coming from the west, I can feel it. But out my northern window it’s not stirring too much. So far I only hear birds, and a dog barking. O that wind from the west is picking up. Now it settled down.

Yesterday was a huge day. Bill took me swimming at Edith Ball pool. I was so happy to be swimming again, I had not stepped one foot out of the house for two days, and they had been rainy and cold. Because Monday morning the 2nd hand Chrysler leaked a whole quart of oil in 15 minutes, Bill knew he had to do something about it. So Monday was car drama. He took the Chrysler to PepBoys, and they diagnosed it and fixed it and his friend Jim was kind enough to drive him over when car was ready to go home. But it was so stressful that the next day, Tuesday, Bill wanted to take it easy and relax. That was the day of freezing cold rain all day. I turned the heat up high but spent most of it in my back bedroom, where heat doesn't reach, under 7 quilts in front of open window, watching “NCIS” marathon. Bill read in bed, and hung out with his kitty. Priscilla, the cat from outdoors, has not only adopted Bill, but spends the nights with him now. She likes to sleep late, one morning Bill reported she did not wake up till 11 am. When the dog is up and about she switches from Bill's bed to the table on the other side of it, which for some reason has tons of cotton clothes. Bill says she likes to spend her morning on her cotton mountain safe from the dog.

Yesterday morning, Christmas Eve, was still stormy. I did not write. I went on my news forum and chatted with posters. But when Bill woke up blue sky shone thru and even the sun, and I was happy because I knew I was going swimming today. By the time he showered and made his breakfast, there was so much sunshine I went to outside couch in backyard to lie in it. It was heaven soaking up its warmth and brilliance, and Bill brought his breakfast and joined me at the table. The only pool open was Edith Ball and it was only open till 2. So we decided to go early, and got in the truck and headed over there, and I had glorious swim and long long hot shower, and it was heaven and I felt great, and we got in the truck to go home.

Edith Ball Pool is in the middle of Reed Park, behind the zoo, just past Hy Corbett Field where all the baseball teams come for their spring training. To go back home, you have to drive thru all the huge parking lots for Hy Corbett Field, then thru a road in the park, and then you arrive on the big thoroughfare. And it was while we were driving thru all the huge parking lots behind Hy Corbett field that the truck acted up. He was not able to change gears. And he did not want to take it into heavy traffic of Christmas Eve when truck was acting up. So we kept driving around the parking lot, it is huge and empty, to see if he could get it to work. But it got worse and worse and finally he stopped and opened the hood to see if he could figure out what was wrong. He said "the nut is loose, if only I had a wrench and could tighten it, maybe that would do it." So I set off to try to find someone.

When the problem first began, just before, I noticed I was seeing stars in my eyes. This is something which never happened till I moved to Tucson, I don't know when it started, maybe a few years after we moved here. It doesn't happen very often, and I am always thrilled when it does. I really do not know how to describe it. It is like a star starting to form from the corner of my eye, and if I focus I can see the star form all the way. And then I try to be quiet and focus on the star. It doesn't last very long, usually about 10 minutes max, and I never know what brings it, it just seems like a wonderful gift. I don't know how often I have it, maybe 4 times a year, it is not that frequent, and seems to come at the oddest times. And just before Bill reported the clutch won't work, I had been watching the star form and reform in front of my eyes, and I was in ecstasy. Plus so happy from swimming and hot shower. So when the trouble started I still kept focusing on the star. And I did not panic, I stayed calm, and my confidence that all would be well stayed with me.

And I may have still been seeing the star in my eyes while he was working on the truck, but by the time he said "I need a wrench," it wasn't there anymore. The huge parking lot was deserted, but the gate to Hy Corbett Field was open. I decided to try to find someone. I walked in and there was a man coming back with his lunch. I said "my husband can't get the truck to start, he needs a wrench." And the young man came over to where Bill was. He said he is on his lunch hour. He was a very nice young man, he said his name is Ronnie. And I sat back down in the sunshine again. And he and Bill talked, and then he went back and got his friend Tom who had tools. And Bill tightened it, and at first it looked like it would work, but then it didn't. And I came over, and to my surprise, Tom had a very long braid down his back. He was also smoking a cigarette and I was dying for a cigarette.

I went back to sitting on the curb in the sunshine. I didn't have a cigarette, and so I was picking up handfuls of gravel and letting it fall thru my fingers and all over my skirt. I was content to be sitting in the sunshine playing with the dirt. Ronnie came over to get me, "your car is ready" he said. And on the way he stooped down and picked up a little rock. "This is for you." And it turned out to be an amethyst. I said "thank you, it is my favorite stone." And Bill had driven the truck all over parking lot. And I said "I see my car has arrived." We all giggled, it was funny to pretend Bill was my car service who had arrived to drive me home. But when Bill tried to put it in gear it would not work. The two men waved goodbye, it was time for them to go inside and get back to work. But before they did, I asked Tom for a cigarette. He was so nice about it. And it was a Winston, that used to be my favorite cigarette and I have not had one in a long time. So instead of playing with the dirt in the sunshine I smoked my long Winston and was happy, and I had my amethyst stone.

But Bill reported "it is worse now, the car won't go at all," and he had a card with the phone number for Mark and Larry service station where he brings the 2nd hand Chrysler. "They have a truck, call them and ask them to pick me up." So I went into the entrance of Hy Corbett Field to find Ronnie and Tom because I thought one of them might have a cell phone. And Tom appeared and I said "Bill can't get the truck to go at all, and I want to call the garage." He said the batteries on his phone are low, and he changed his position 3 times to get better reception, but he reached them. And I talked to the man who answered. And he said "we have no truck and there is no one here now, there are no mechanics here." So then I said to Tom "I can't remember my friend Jim's number but maybe this is it, can we call and try it." And he dialed it and said "it is ringing" and then someone answered and he asked if it was Jim and Jim must have said yes, so he passed the phone to me and I said "Jim, help, the truck won't move, we are stranded, come now." "Where are you and how do I get there?" he asked. So Tom got on the phone and explained and said "he is coming."

So I went back to Bill and said "Mark and Larry had no one there to help us but I remembered Jim's phone number and he is coming." And I went back to sit in the sunshine. And then Jim pulled up. Instead of his sportscar, he had driven the car he is baby sitting, a woman went to Los Angeles to be with her daughter and Jim graciously let her keep her Buick in his garage. He never drives it, even if his car is in the shop, this is the first time he drove it because he wanted a car big enough to take both me and Bill home, his sportscar is two-seater. He looked at the truck with Bill, but I saw him make a gesture which means "give up, it's no use." So then I knew they would not be able to fix it. Jim's idea was "leave the keys in the truck, let me drive you both home, call the tow-truck man, and he will arrive and bring the truck home for you." But Bill said "I'm not leaving the truck." Jim said "it could take 7 hours for tow-truck man to arrive, they are so busy." Bill said "I don't care if I have to sit here all night."

Jim and Bill have different styles of dealing with problems. Jim's car always breaks down, Bill is always going to pick him up. But Jim just leaves his car where it is. Even once in the middle of the biggest thoroughfare in Tucson, Jim said "I'm not going to stay out in this boiling heat waiting for them to arrive." He leaves the keys in, calls Bill on his cell phone, Bill picks him up and eventually the tow-truck man does arrive and brings it to Jim's mechanic. That is how Jim handles things but Bill is different.

So I got in the car with Jim. Jim couldn't understand why Bill would prefer to wait by truck. "He can go home, play with the dog, watch tv, go to sleep, it could be hours and hours, instead he said he will sit by the truck all night." And Jim said "another storm is coming in, and it will be cold very soon, is he going to sit in the dark and freezing rain, I would never do that." I said "Bill does things differently." My dad did things the way Jim does. We lived in a housing project in Flushing (actually an electricians co-op) and if something was broken, my dad called the office, then he left the front door unlocked, then he went in to take long delicious bath, and by the time he came out the repairman had fixed it. So I understand how Jim is, he is like my dad. But I have lived with Bill for trillion years now, and I know he is the opposite.

So I said to Jim "first take me to Royal Buick, that is who Bill always takes truck to for repairs." But they were closed. So then I said "take me to Cora and Floyd's, my neighbors, Floyd is mechanic, maybe he can come over and fix it." But when we arrived Cora and Floyd were just getting ready to go to a birthday party. Cora had her lipstick on, and her earrings, looked very pretty, was all dressed up. They were so sweet. It was like two angels. They were so sorry they could not help us, because they were just this minute leaving. Floyd looked at the Buick Jim was driving and said "Bill's pick-up truck is so light, why can't your friend pull him home." But Jim said it's not his car, he is not allowed to be driving it, and he has nothing to pull with. Cora and Floyd both felt so bad they couldn't help us out. But I said "it is fine, it was so sweet of them to want to, I feel so loved and secure by their loving kind helpfulness, and not to worry I will call tow truck." I got back into the car with Jim and he received phone call on his cell phone. My house is only one block away. And Jim wanted me to get out, go inside, call tow truck, and have them pick up Bill. I had thought Jim would do that for me from his cellphone in his car. Jim said "I can't, I just got that phone call telling me I have to be somewhere, I have no time, just go inside and do it." I said "Jim you have to help me, I am scared, I never called a tow truck before, I don't know how, I don't even know who to call." I said "who do you call?" He said "Red and White." I said "come in and help me." He really did not want to. He said "do you have a phone book?" I said "no, but I can look it up on my computer." He said "your computer takes 20 minutes to warm up." I said "now it is already on." So I typed in "Red and White Towing Tucson Arizona" and phone number came up immediately. I tried to talk to the woman but Jim helpfully took over when it came to explaining where Bill is. And then he said "you really lucked out, she said the man will be there in half an hour, maybe less." I said to Jim "don't you want to stop over and let Bill know a tow truck is on the way?" He said "no, the tow truck will get there before I will. So I thanked Jim a lot for his help and he was off. And I wished I could talk to Bill. I wanted to be able to tell him I had tried Royal Buick but it was shut down totally and not to bring the truck there, just bring it home. And then it dawned on me "I could call the woman back at Red and White, probably the man had not yet arrived, and she would give him the message, I am sure he is on cellphone." And the woman was so nice and she said "yes, she will tell him to tell my husband 'just bring the truck home, the place which fixes it is closed.'"

And I had 3 cigarettes in a row and then heated up the half of my bean burrito I had for breakfast. I was starving. And O Beanie was so glad I was home he was doing somersaults and would not leave my side. And I found my purse with my wallet in it because I knew I would have to pay the tow-truck man. This had happened once before. And I sat on the couch in front of screen door to frontyard with my Beanie and my cigarettes and my bean burrito to wait for Bill.

And my Higher Self said "he is coming now." And sure enough, I heard the sounds and I looked out. And our truck was on top of a flat bed, and huge truck drove it into our driveway. And Bill did not look that upset. A very nice young man, with the name John embroidered on his uniform, came out, and I thanked him for helping us. And I got out my wallet and he called in my credit card, and gave me a receipt and then got the truck off his flat bed and into our yard. And Bill said "thank you" and wished him a happy Christmas, and John said now he has to go home and cook a roast for 4 hours.

And Bill said how he first sat and waited, but then he got up to try to fix it again himself, and while he was working the tow-truck arrived. And John reassured him on the ride home that Bill did the right thing to call him. He said "a lot of people don't, and the result is their car breaks down in heavy traffic and they have to call him anyway, and on Christmas Eve everyone is in a rush to get home and they are passing everyone, he would not have wanted to try that."

I said "I'm going in to watch tv and relax" and Bill said "OK" but the phone rang and it was Jim. And I told him "Bill just got back" and he said "you got lucky." He just wanted to check up. And Cora had said "call and let me know how it worked out.” But if she was at a birthday party how could I call her. I decided I would call the next day. You always forget to call the people who say “call and let me know how it all worked out.” But I have been one of those where the person never called and I would have liked to have gotten that call. So I really did try to put it in my mind to call Cora. She and Floyd were so sweet and Cora said “I will be praying for you.”

And I was starving. So I heated up something for myself, and since the dog had not eaten his dinner dish whole time I was gone, I heated up his food too. It was the same food, chicken and rice, altho his had beef in it too and was much bigger bowl. I had cooked it up few days ago. And I got an iced cold Pepsi Cola and my bowl of hot tasty food. And Beanie's big bowl of warm tasty food I put down by the bed next to me, spread a little dishtowel where my pillow was, turned on the tv, ate my food and watched 8 episodes of "Top Chef" in a row. And when I could not keep my eyes open anymore, I turned my face in other direction and went to sleep.

Somewhere in the middle of the episodes of "Top Chef" Bill went in to make chili so we could have chili burritos for supper. I was still full from my two portions of chicken and rice and all those chocolate cookies I had for dessert, but Bill really wanted to share his food with me. So I made a burrito out of Bill's delicious chili and Beanie and I shared it, and he loved it, and so did I.

This was about 10 at night, Bill likes to eat late. He took his meal into his room so he could eat it in front of the game. He made chicken noodle soup with his and offered me some, but I wasn't hungry, altho it looked good. And I ate my half of the chili burrito and watched Beanie so totally enjoy his half. He is so cute. After he ate his half, he looked all around the plate all over the rug for morsels which might have fallen off.

I told Bill and Bill said "dogs love tasty food."

And then I just could not keep my eyes open for the last episode of "Top Chef" and I fell asleep.

O Beanie is burying his morning cookie now, right under the tree outside my window. He has spent all morning walking around with those huge dog cookies in his mouth, choosing his spot so carefully. Now he is filling in the hole with his nose. He is so assiduous. There is a whole big heap of fresh earth over his dog cookie. No one will ever find it. His cookie is safe....

I write a novel

"Honeycreek" by Jim Waid, Tucson artist
Tuesday, November 25, 2008, 6:56 AM
“Writing my Novel”

Well Audrey is proud of me. When she originally emailed me about novel-in-a-month I thanked her out of politeness. But she emailed back, “so are you going to do it?” And I think I left that email unanswered. Then she arrived with the book from Bookman’s (Bookman’s is our second-hand bookstore) by the founder of novel-in-a-month, on how to write a novel in a month. Audrey had read it and highly recommended it. I thanked her very much. But when she said “the sales slip is with it, in case you want to return it for another book,” my eyes gleamed. This was the week before the big election, my mind was totally taken up with that. I would just go on the computer to read election news, or talk about it with fellow posters on my news forum. However I had made the great discovery that the charity bookstore on way home from pool had used paperbacks for 50 cents. I hadn’t read a book in ages and ages because library is really out of our way, I was totally starved for reading. Without anything to read my whole life, when I was not on computer, was TV shows. Until I discovered there was a way for me to read books again, which was about a month before Audrey told me about novel in a month.

I began by buying every Agatha Christie they had, even tho I had read them all a long time ago, it was long enuf ago. O I loved them so much, reading was such a joy and those were the perfect books to read. I was so happy to be reading again. The first few times I only bought mysteries at the charity store, but the third time I went I noticed the paperback mysteries were in the same section as the classics and I bought Sense and Sensibility by Jane Austin. And after I finished all the mysteries and there was nothing left to read, I opened up Sense and Sensibility and began to read that. At first I found it unreadable. I would try to read a little and then put it aside in frustration, “this is torture” I said. But then I got used to her writing and I got caught up in the story, and I enjoyed what I was reading, and sometimes it was very funny. I got completely addicted. I really loved that book. I am sorry it ended. And this is what I had just begun reading when the month of November arrived.

I was spending my mornings at computer with election news, and the afternoons and evenings with Sense and Sensibility, the story of Elinor and Maryanne, two sisters, when England was still very rural, it was how the gentry lived.

I had decided I would do Novel-in-a-month, why not! It would bring me back to writing again, and it was an unknown and an adventure. And I told Audrey I would start a day or two after the election. I couldn’t imagine starting before, my whole mind was on the election. Audrey tried to convince me to start on November first the way you are supposed to, “surely the election cannot take up the whole of your mind!” she emailed me. But I still had it in my mind the election was Tuesday, so I would start on Wednesday.

Meanwhile I guess Audrey decided to do it herself. She had read the book by the founder of Novel In A Month. She had always wanted to write. She was a painter and had been to art school but she always wanted to write. And the founder had explained this is a good way to start writing. And he is right about that. It’s a great way to start writing. This is a huge favor to anyone who has ever dreamed of becoming a writer.

That made it a whole lot more fun that Audrey and I were going to do it together. I never had a writing partner and companion in that way. I loved it. Audrey was doing it by the book. She had her outline prepared and the characters, and the day before it was to begin on October 31, she got out her outline and looked at it, and all her characters and emailed me “Ready! Set! Go!” And asked me if I had looked at the book she had given me.

I didn’t answer the part of her email where she said “have you read the book I gave you, it has so much helpful information in it.”

And then to my own huge surprise I did not wait till day after election or two days after that. The election was on Tuesday of course, and on Sunday I sat down to try to write my novel. I got exactly nowhere. I described what the weather was out my window and what my yard looked like, and hoped something would come into my mind to write about, but nothing came into my mind. “That’s OK” I said to myself, “at least you broke the ice with writing again.” I hadn’t written in 2 months, it was good to break the ice. And I clicked on my news forum and talked about the election with everyone. And then went back to reading Sense and Sensibility.

And the next morning, I guess it was Monday, I clicked on my machine to go back to writing my novel. And again I described the weather and my yard, but this time it worked, a story came. I decided to write about Ruthie’s new love affair. And whether it was because I was reading Sense and Sensibility, which is about the love affairs of each of the two sisters, or because it is something that everyone knows, I thought “what a perfect topic for a novel, my friend's love affair, this is the classic novel topic.” And I got totally excited. I was going to write a novel and it was going to be about Ruthie’s new love affair. And so I wrote about Ruthie’s whole life, and this was great, I actually had a chapter, Chapter 1.

And I said to myself “I am writing a novel, and it is called Ruthie Has a New Love” and I was so happy. And the next day in the pool I told everyone about it and suggested they write a novel too, after all it was just the beginning of the month.

But for some reason Chapter 2 did not take off where I left off. There was no long flow of narrative. The first chapter had been the whole background to the love affair, the second chapter was the love affair. And I don’t know why that one didn’t work. It was very short and I didn’t have very much to say. I realize now that was the morning of the election. I guess I forgot all about the election when I sat down to write my second chapter about her new love affair and wasn’t able to get it off the ground.

Then we voted and went swimming. And I came home and read Sense and Sensibility.

And then it was the 3rd morning. And there was just no way I could sit at my computer and not write about the election. I knew I was taking my novel off course, but what else could I do. I had a lot of feelings about the election, because on the local level I had lost big time. I hadn’t gotten what I wanted and I got what I didn’t want. But by the time I finished that chapter I was at peace with myself about it all, it helped me.

And the next morning I just wrote about my own life again, I wrote about my yesterday. Since all my short stories had been about my own life, about my yesterday, when I emailed Audrey (she had been emailing me every day to give me pep talk about my novel) I said “I started it, it was going great guns, I was writing about my friend’s love affair, but I got off course, and now I am just writing about my yesterday.” And she emailed back “you always write about your yesterday, here is your chance to write a novel, do it!” She was completely dismayed that I had gone back to writing what I always write. And she told me about their word count and I should go register at the site, and no one is allowed to talk about what they are writing, or to show their writing to anyone on the site, they can only say their word count. And she told me about her word count and her plot and her characters, and asked “did you read that book I gave you, it will help you.”

And I went over and registered at the site. They asked for a screen name, so I chose Desert Broom. Altho Audrey thinks it is Desert Bloom, which is a nice name too. And because I had registered there, I got the first week pep talk letter they sent out to everyone, which I didn’t read but I was very glad to get it. I liked being part of this thing and it really made me feel part of it that I got it.

On the 4th day I knew I was off course and would never get back on course. Unless Ruthie called me again with an update about her love affair, there was nothing I could say about it at all. And so I just cracked jokes about my novel. I said “my novel has a first chapter about Ruthie’s new love affair, and at the end of the month she will call with an update, so it will have a last chapter about it, and then there will be nothing in-between, I will write about my yesterday for the whole novel.”

But then to my surprise Ruthie called that evening. “O Anne so much is happening it could be a book,” she said. “A novel” I said. Altho I sure wasn’t going to tell Ruthie I was writing a novel about everything she told me on the phone. And she told me all about the developments in her new love affair, and all the new surprise developments with her boyfriend in college who she had never gotten over, they are now on email together. And when she talked about him, she said “this is all such a secret, what he confided to me in email, you must promise not to tell anyone, not even Bill.” And I promised. But when she opened up the conversation “there are so many new developments, this could be a book,” my first thought was “O good now I have a new chapter for my novel.” And I listened intently to everything she said.

And the next day it all went into my novel. “Ruthie will murder me” I thought “if she ever finds out, but Audrey will be so pleased I introduced new characters.” The college boyfriend who I was not to breathe a word about, was the new character in my novel. And that evening Ruthie and I had tête-à-tête with our Higher Selves on the phone about both these relationships and what they mean in Ruthie’s life now, and what Ruthie is supposed to be doing. And so I had another chapter, I said everything her Higher Self said about Ruthie and the two men.

I thought “Goody! it is a real novel again.”

But there were no more phone calls after that. And so it was back to writing my yesterday and of course there was a huge drama about buying new computer for Bill, that was a major event in my life. I wrote up the whole experience of being in Office Depot. It was such a big experience for me, buying this computer and monitor and printer, that the next day I wrote it all up. And the day after that I could not even write. I tried to force myself to do it, and one sentence eked out. And I shut down the machine and went in to read. I had exhausted myself buying the new computer and then writing it up the next day.

We must have bought the computer on a Friday. Saturday I wrote it up. And Sunday I could not write one word. I took a day off, it was my first day off in writing my novel. It was the climax of the Full Moon too I remember, that beautiful Full Moon. Alas for me all that full moon energy went into the new computer. If my novel has any crisis point that is it, and it is about going shopping. Such is my life, but I don’t know if a novel it makes. And then I went back to my daily life in a far more low-keyed way. Just short dreamy chapters about my morning and my yesterday. The teeny uneventful things which pass thru a day. Listening to an old friend’s message on my answering machine, feeding the cat. But I liked doing it. I liked waking up each morning and writing new chapter for my novel. It was such a pleasant way to start a day. It seemed so much easier than trying to write a brand new short story each morning when I woke up, because a story has to have so much life in it to stand on its own. And now that Sense and Sensibility was over, and I was going to see if I could enjoy the other books at the bottom of the pile, I realized I just wanted something to read. And I thought “maybe that is all a chapter has to do, give someone something to read.” It is like writing without a pressure, no pressure to deliver. All you want to do is give someone something so they can keep reading, and things could be as easy as pie for me. Maybe it is a lazy man’s solution to writing. But after all these years of trying to deliver something in a story, I liked just meandering down my life, and writing down whatever comes. It is like drifting down a big river. I might have my line out, but some of the time no fish bites. But I am still enjoying the ride. I love it, in fact. And that is the whole truth. I love writing a novel and I don’t know why. Just that it is relaxing and fun and easy and enjoyable.

And I found out from Audrey’s email the novel has to be 50,000 words, 170 pages, and we end on November 30th. And I was now getting regular pep talks from them, which I was not reading, but I was glad to be getting. And one of the pep talks I did read a little of and I liked. He said “this is just to serve you, to get you writing, and however it serves you, it is doing what it is supposed to be doing.” And Audrey was still telling me about her plot and her characters and how she has to make a graph on her hard drive to keep track of all of them, and am I doing that too? But she has fallen behind in word count and has to rush to keep up.

And I wrote back “we are both doing fine in our novels and that is great” and “O Audrey I thank you from the bottom of my heart for getting me into this, I love it.”

And Audrey said she had registered her word count on the site. And yesterday morning, after I wrote that totally loopy chapter-- never have I been more at odds and ends with myself and that chapter shows it; every instinct I have says “take it out,” but I will leave it in, maybe novels need a loopy chapter-- I did the word count on everything I had written and entered it on the site.

And they make you post it all to prove it is that many words. I had found out from Audrey that for November we are not supposed to edit. We are only supposed “to write like the wind” according to Audrey. And after November 30th we are given one month to edit what we have written. So I took the whole mish-mosh of what I had written, 9/10ths with uncorrected typos, and posted it. They said “our robot counter will just count the words to verify your word count and then delete it.” Which is what happened. And it turned out I have 47,000 words, which is very close to what they want. In fact with that loopy chapter which I wasn’t sure if I was going to include, it would have put me over. And then they had me write the name of my novel. And instead of calling it “Ruthie Has A New Love,” I decided to call it “Daddy-o,” which means something to me personally but doesn’t mean anything to anyone else. But I thought “no one pays attention to the meaning of novels’ names anyway.” And they wanted a description of my novel, so I wrote a description. And they wanted an extract, so I put in an extract from my first chapter about Ruthie because that is the only one which reads like a novel.

And then I wanted picture for my book cover. And I tried to upload the drawing Layla had done of the belly dancer dancing, but I couldn’t get it to upload. And then I emailed Audrey “what is your name there so I can put you on my buddy list?” And I told her my word count is 47,000 because I like to blab a lot when I write.

And because Audrey was at work last evening with nothing to do, she went over and looked at everything about my novel. She saw my verified word count and guess what? To my utter surprise and amazement, Audrey is impressed with me. I don’t think anyone has ever been impressed with me or proud of me in my whole life. It is such a totally new feeling. I am stunned. She said “you might be the winner!” I had no idea this thing was about winning, that there is anything to win. And she said I have more words than the founder. That is what really impressed Audrey, that the founder of National Write a Novel in a Month, the man who wrote that book on how to do it, I have more words than he does. Maybe it is silly to be happy that Audrey is impressed with me and proud of me just for a lot of words. But I’ve never had this experience before. Nothing I wrote has ever been published. Even Audrey who has read every single one of my short stories on email for past 3 years, has never been proud of me or impressed with me till I had lot of words. I am going to email my mother that I have a lot of words, so she can be proud of me and impressed with me too. Altho I will send Audrey’s email along with it, to give her the hint that she is supposed to be proud and impressed by this. She might not know that, only Audrey knows that because she is on this site. And Audrey said her novel ground to a halt because so many other things in her life came up. Audrey works at a tv station, plus she teaches art, she has classes. She said she will try again another time.

And I sent her the drawing of the belly dancer Layla did, on email. And I sent her my password and screen name there, and because Audrey was at work with nothing to do, she turned it into a book cover and posted it under my screen name. Along with my description of novel, extract from novel, and WORD COUNT!! It wasn’t exactly what I had in mind. That drawing by Layla is so expressive and feelingful, and dreamy, when Audrey put in Daddy-o in huge big block letters it overwhelmed the drawing, it lost its feeling. I said “let’s change to one of your watercolors of the desert mountains.” But Audrey said “I like the dancer.” She has my name on it as Desert Bloom, instead of desert broom which is a weed in my backyard. But maybe I should go with that name instead. Altho maybe I will switch to Palo Verde. I think I would rather be Ms. Verde than Ms. Broom, and the palo verde is the tree out my window, it grows all over the desert wild.

Audrey emailed back “don’t think about your cover now, go back to writing like the wind.” She is concerned I won’t make the 50,000 and make it over the top. She wants me to be a winner. LOL she is my coach.

And it is very nice to have a coach. I don’t know which I have enjoyed more in writing my novel, writing my novel or having Audrey as my coach. She’s a wonderful coach. Even tho she was so disappointed in me at first, I now surpassed her wildest dreams because I have more words than the founder.

“Anne and Neil”

Peppersauce Canyon by Tucson artist Jim Waid
“Anne and Neil”
(from my novel "Daddy-o")
(written November 27, 2008)

So yesterday I wrote about him and Ruthie, their relationship. Because the boyfriend you live with during college and after college and who you plan to marry, and who is the one who started your awakening, is a major relationship. For me it came to a natural end. I moved out, he was upset, but we stayed very close till Bill moved in with me, and Tania moved in with him, and have been best friends forever. We lost contact 8 years ago, but I called him last winter and it was a beautiful phone call. We were both lost in the glory of what we each had brought the other back then. I was so appreciative of what he had brought into my life back then at 21, and he was so appreciative of what I had brought into his. And we had helped each other over the years when we were close friends too. We were both writers. Altho Neil was writing his book on Marxism, I was writing short stories. But after Ruthie got me on computer, and I saw what God’s gift that was to writers, I got Neil on the computer and boy he sure appreciated it too. As soon as he finished his book on Marxism and the labor movement, a real book company wanted to publish it. They assumed he was a professor and wrote him a letter, “Dear Dr Cantos.” I couldn’t believe that Neil wrote scholarly text on Marx and Engels and the labor movement and publishers snapped it up. Whereas I was writing all my wonderful short stories and no publisher would go near it with a ten foot pole.

But a peculiar thing happened. Naturally Neil’s book had about a million quotes by Marx, and his publisher insisted he get permission for them before they could publish his book. And it turned out World Publishers, a small outfit on 14th Street of leftists, owned all the rights to those quotes. And when Neil called up Mrs. Appelbaum, as a formality, to ask for permission to use all the quotes, she said no. She said if you want to use the quotes you have to pay us $1000 for each quote, and since there were about a million quotes that was impossible. Neil called his big brother who had a rage, and said “take her to court! take her to court! that is outrageous!” Neil’s big brother was furious at her. But in the story Neil told me about the upsetting phone call with Mrs. Appelbaum, buried way down in the story, as just a minor detail, Mrs. Appelbaum had said “why didn’t you take your book to us first.” And suddenly I understood everything. Mrs. Appelbaum was being recalcitrant and difficult because she was envious Academic Press was going to publish it, she wanted the book, she wanted to publish it, and she was insulted Neil had not brought it to her.

“Neil!” I said, “you bought all those beautiful new clothes and you look so good in them. Just take Mrs. Appelbaum out to lunch. Take her to a beautiful fancy restaurant. You are so good at that, and can be so charming and classy. She is mad because she wants to publish your book and you didn’t offer it to her. All you have to do is take her out to lunch, dress beautifully, be absolutely lovely to her, and promise her your next book you will bring right to her.”

I don’t know if Neil believed me, but it was a solution he was willing to try. He wrote Mrs. Appelbaum a long lovely letter, telling her just how much the books from World Publishers have meant to him. There were enough compliments in that letter to her publishing company and to her, to make her head spin. I don’t know if he ever did take her to lunch. Because when she called Neil back, butter couldn’t melt in her mouth. She insisted she have the rights to the paperback edition of the book, which of course put Neil in 7th heaven. He never dreamed anyone would want to put it out in paperback, he was thrilled. And she graciously let him have all the quotes by Marx and Engels for free. And they are the best of friends. And he promised Mrs. Appelbaum, as soon as he finishes his next book he will bring it right to her. And she was gratified, and so was Neil. He already had a publisher lined up for his next book.

If Neil had held any grievance against me for breaking up with him 20 years before, I bet that made up for it. I had turned that whole situation around for him. Instead of now being impossible to get his book published, that was coming out, he was already preparing the paperback edition with Mrs. Appelbaum, and he had a publisher lined up for his next book.

And I had the gratification of seeing spirituality really did pay off. I had just started to be spiritual at that time, and I knew having a rage and going to war was not the best solution. It was the one Neil’s big brother suggested, but I had learned differently. Instead of seeing Mrs. Appelbaum as a monster, there was another way to look at it, and I was able to find it when I looked for it.

It gratified me and reinforced my belief in spirituality, that it was so practical, that I could use it to help my friend Neil get everything he wanted. Neil had been very insulting when I first started on this path. It had began with me praying, with me believing in God, and reading the Gospel of St John to find words of comfort for the terrible travails I was going thru then. I don’t know how Neil knew I was reading the Gospel of St John. Did I confide it to him? or did he see the open book in my kitchen? All I know is he said, “this is awful Anne, you are like one of the crazy women you see in the subway, who are always reading the Bible and talking to themselves.”

I was so happy to be able to help Neil, that I did not mention to him “I am not a crazy lady on the subway after all.”

Post script, I have read Neil’s book. Because it was written from passion, and Neil is a great writer, and did all the original research, it is a great book.

"Psychology"

painting by Felix Pasilis, Tucson backyard

Sunday morning, early, October 5, 2008
“Psychology”

It rained in the night and there are big heavy dense clouds coming in from the north. I can see them out my window. Altho blue sky with grey clouds to the west. And a hint of sunshine from somewhere, I can see the sunlight glinting off a tree branch. O now it is full fledged sunlight coming from somewhere, I can see the wall on Caren’s shed is lit up yellow.

Rain always transforms our climate. I woke up to an early morning in Adirondacks summer instead of October morning on the desert. It was like a wonderworld for me out there. The sky is changing in front of my eyes. The huge heavy damp rain clouds have now become white masted with wispy grey coming out of them.

I had a lot of dreams but don’t remember any of them. Just a feeling that there were people and experiences going on. O yes now I remember, Danny Blumen my high school boyfriend was in one of them, and maybe they took place in New York. And there was some drama but I don’t remember the story now. A big drama, something was definitely going on.

And when I woke up and was lying there thinking, morning waking up, thoughts drift in and out of your mind. I noticed for first time ever for me, when a thought came in which upset me, and I thought “O no! now I have to go thru this!” Because for last few days I have noticed, each time an upsetting thought comes in I can’t get rid of it. It is like stepping in a pot hole which turns into a black hole, it swallows me up. And I was getting annoyed by it. It didn’t seem fair. Random bad thought slips in, why do I have to be stuck with it like this! I felt so at the mercy at any random bad thought which crosses my mind. So this morning when an upsetting one entered and I thought “O no I don’t want this,” I assumed I would get trapped in it again like quicksand. But to my amazement the opposite happened. I actually watched my mind change the subject. WOW I was surprised. It was so freeing. My mind just moved on to another topic. I loved it. It gave me confidence and made me feel good. My optimism increased. My outlook on life brightened. I began to have hope I could work with my mind in a more sensible manner.

And later when I was having my coffee and toast outside in backyard at picnic table, when I began to think about a friend I had had when I first moved to Tucson, Lizzie. That friendship began off like a house afire but somehow went south, it didn’t work out. And I started to have conflicted thoughts. Instead of going down a whole long path with them, and getting worked up-- you know, remembering how it all came down, reliving it in my mind. I didn’t do that. I nipped it in the bud. I just thought “is it because I miss her and long for her, or do I just feel guilty?” I must have asked myself the right question, even if I didn’t come up with an answer, because the next thing I knew, I simply said to myself, “everything I did was right at the time.” And then I dropped it and moved on to another subject.

Never once in my life before did I simply say and think “everything I did was right at the time.” Usually I go thru a whole major court case. Where the lawyer from the other side tells the whole story from beginning to end, with every conceivable detail. Then my lawyer mounts a defense, looks for loopholes in the prosecutor’s case. And then long laborious evaluation and summing up by judge. And the case closed. But it never is case closed. It is always re-opened on a whim a month or two down the line. lol what a drag!

It was so nice instead of going thru all that to just say “I did everything right at the time,” and move on. Hahaha I actually dropped the case. I realize now I have no idea of the truth of the case. There are still unknowns and perplexities in it for me. But the long drawn-out court cases in my mind obviously never settled anything for me, else why did it come into my mind this morning sitting in the loveliness of my backyard. So I may as well drop the case in a few minutes. Since trying to settle it got me nowhere. Better just to say “you had a relationship, now you don’t, big deal, it doesn’t matter.”

That’s another thing I have been noticing over the past week. It seems like for the first time I am beginning to distinguish in my mind between the past and the present. I’ll start going over something which happened in the past, and all kinds of upset feelings will emerge. And then it will hit me, “but this is not happening now, it happened long ago in the past.” It just seems like that is grounds for tabling the whole discussion. “It’s not happening now” I say to myself. And the urgency and life goes out of it. It becomes a shadow of a thing instead of a thing itself. It saves me from it.

It’s as if my mind is learning how to be more constructive.

"The Kitty is a Tramp"

painting by Felix Pasilis, his Tucson backyard

October 2, 2008, Thursday 6:55 am
“New Kitty”

It’s a very pretty early morning on the desert in Tucson. We are blessed with the weather. Last year at this time it was still hellishly hot, instead now it is divine. In fact it is even a little frosty delicious right now in the very early morning, delicious like a fountain drink.

Bill argued with the cat a lot last night. He really does not come in to cook his dinner till quite late, and he decided to cook exquisitely, so he was in there long time. And apparently the cat was in there the whole time. I must have been in back room watching tv with doggie, but I muted all the commercials and during that silence I heard all of Bill’s arguing with the cat. At first I wondered “who is he talking to in there?” and then I realized the cat has joined him in the kitchen. As usual the cat won all the arguments, since practically the last thing Bill said to me before we both went to sleep is, “she got 4 cans of food from me, and tomorrow we have to bring in the cat food we bought which is still in the truck, I am down to one can.”

I find it so funny he thinks he can win these arguments. I hear him so earnest so serious laying down the law, saying exactly what he will do and will not do, and what she must do. “Leave me alone!” I hear him say. “Enough is enough!” I hear him say. “I am not going to feed you again” I hear him say. “I am cooking my dinner, leave me alone!” I hear him say. “Stop winding yourself around my legs!” I hear him say. “You are a nuisance” I hear him say. This went on for quite a long time until she got him to feed her 4 cans of cat food. Then I guess she left to carry on her own life.

He read his book on Roman history, he finds it fascinating, that famous book by Gibbons about fall of Roman empire. He read it all late afternoon, after we got back from swimming, in his art studio, while I was in there watching detective tv shows with doggie in back bedroom. I got up once to fix myself a soda on ice and to my surprise, on the windowsill behind him, was the cat. She was there the whole time. “Did you know the cat is behind you?” I asked. “No” he said. “She is waiting for me to go to the kitchen, she wants her food.”

Or she might just want to hang out with Bill all afternoon. She is a stray alley cat kitten, so she must be so strategic when she comes to house to hang out with Bill or get him to feed her. Because of course THE DOG! It is like Jack and the Beanstalk when Jack has to hide under the giant’s wife’s skirts. Kitty has to come into house which has an OGRE in it. Altho she doesn’t hide when she is discovered she hightails it out of it like lightning. In the evening Beanie patrols the back patio, so she can’t come in. Which makes no difference to her whatsoever. She simply comes in the art studio window.

She has brought so much mystery adventure excitement to our home. Really her coming is a great advent. We did not see hide nor hair of her all weekend, but there was a major cat party going on in some yard very closeby. Bill heard the screaming and caterwauling all Friday night, all Saturday night and all Sunday night. She is definitely a party girl. And when she finally returned for food, Bill had to feed her 10 times, her party weekend gave her huge appetite. “She is starving” Bill said. That night she slept on Bill’s bed with him, and in the morning she was still so sleepy, she forgot to get up. It wasn’t till doggie went in there to go under the bed for his morning nap and discovered her, that she had to fly out of the house. Bill said “what an awful rude awakening for her!”

All I know is it is thrilling to discover those beautiful huge yellow eyes staring at me, when I least expect it and in places I least expect. I go over to the plant table by the window in art studio to water the plants, and there are those eyes. She is lying on windowsill right outside it. And once on top of refrigerator. Which explains the mystery of why she knows Bill arrives in kitchen at the exact instant he does. She simply flies down from the top of the refrigerator, or wafts down like a feather.


Well on my political forum there are all new alliances and enemies. Because the candidates who entered the primaries a year ago are all so different from who is on the tickets now. There were wars on the forum when we each supported different candidates in the primaries, but none of our candidates won. The one who won the ticket no one on the forum likes. So we were all joined together in dismay for one brief period of harmony. Then because the vice prez pick was popular with half the forum, but unpopular with the other half, the forum went to war with each other, over the vp candidate. We are still in the midst of that war and I guess it will last till the election actually happens.


To my surprise I am actually liking this whole new forming of new alliances. I don’t mind that the ones I was in alliance with before now tell me I am the stupidest person on the planet. I am finding it so interesting and enjoyable becoming friends with and close to and getting to know the posters in my new alliance. When I was in my old alliance these are the posters who made war on me, but now butter can’t melt in their mouth when they post to me. They sign their posts to me with ooooo and xxxx, we are having a love fest. Whereas before they were always trying to run me off the forum.


But you know how it is, when love springs up where love never was before, it really is special. And as for the ones in my old alliance who hate me now, I just ignore them. They lost a lot of luster in my eyes that they choose to hate me, when so much love was expressed before. I never realized how love on a forum can depend on political views. I am not like that. Once love is shared I hold the poster in my heart no matter what view they express later on. I ignore the view and only pay attention to the love. But obviously some are the reverse, they took my love and threw it in the garbage can, all they care about is my views. I was stunned at their choice at first, but I don’t care. And I am thrilled with the new blossom of love with the posters I am in alliance with now. Plus some in my old alliance, that I hadn’t noticed before, for some reason they hadn’t been on my radar or come into my view, they are taking advantage of all these huge changes in constellations on the forum, to become my friend. And I admit I adore them. There is always something so wonderfully special about a brand new friend. You are both in awe of the awakening of friendship and affection and communication. They could easily hate me too for my new views but they have made an opposite choice. To simply enter into communication with me. I love it.

A forum is such a microcosm of the world, and it is such a fun place to be on.

"Adam"

Tucson painting by Felix Pasilis
"Adam"
written Saturday morning, 9/20/08, 8:40 AM

I had big booboo to my feeling two days ago. I can’t tell how much of it was due to the thing of it or the shock of it. It was so unexpected and from such unexpected direction. My feelings were so hurt that to my own shock I burst into tears. I was as vulnerable to my feelings as a child. This is so rare for me these days, because I have put so much effort into learning ways to hold on to my happiness thru thick and thin. I have developed so many techniques thru so many experiences, that normally they are instantly triggered when something which threatens my peace happens. If I get bad news on email, even if it is knock-out blow, at the same instant that I am reeling, I am scrambling to keep my balance. Usually I am going down and trying to get back up at the same time. This doesn’t protect me from everything, I am not invulnerable, but I always put up a good fight and eventually I get my balance back.

This thing which caused such hurt feelings two days ago is not a bad thing in its own right, it is not like bad news or something going wrong. It’s just about feelings. It’s the kind of experience a 4 year old girl could have in nursery school, if she got yelled at by the teacher. In fact everything about it is identical to experiences I did have at 4 years old, when you are so completely vulnerable and so innocent and have no idea the world can be mean to you. I am sure it was the shock which left me wide open this way. It was completely outside my experience, and in a place and in a way I never expected.

The shock happened two days ago, so I spent all that day being comforted by my Higher Self about it. And I woke up in good mood yesterday. But I really felt like I deserved a big treat. I deserved a big treat because I had had big booboo. So my Higher Self suggested before pool I go to Tuesday Morning and buy myself beautiful sheets.

Because I spend a lot of time lounging in bed in front of tv, and eat there and smoke cigarettes there and pet my dog there, and drink coffee and sodas there. No matter how careful I am, the sheet in that corner always picks up lots of stains. I think this is because of my new thing, liking to eat while lying in bed watching tv. In New York my tv was on kitchen table, so I could always have my meals in front of tv. But here in Tucson, my tv is set up so I lie in bed and watch it. So to eat and watch tv at same time I have to lie in bed and eat. At first I found this very awkward. I had never eaten while lying down before. It felt peculiar and it was awkward. But now I am more used to it and I like it. I just love to eat and watch tv at same time. When I saw that no matter how careful I tried to be, my sheets were picking up so many stains, I decided I would try to buy black sheets. I never found any. But when I was in Grocery Outlet about a month ago, they had a sheet set, which was a very very dark brown. It was only $20 so I bought it and put it right on my bed and thought “O this will make everything easier for me because I won’t have to worry about stains anymore.”

Which is true, no stains show, but the problem is I find the color ugly. Everytime I look at it, I can’t stand it because it is ugly. And even tho it is 100 per cent cotton it is a rough cotton. I had to take off the dark brown pillow case, it was too rough on my cheek, and replace it with a very soft very pretty one I had bought in middle of summer. I didn’t care that it was soft blue with some pretty pastel stripes and would pick up stains, I could not stand the other one by my face. But I still had the sheets on, and every day they were depressing me whenever I looked at them.

So finally last week I decided “to hell with stains, I am going to buy pretty sheets, I want to be happy.” But Tuesday Morning is out of the way. But yesterday when Bill got up he said “I am not walking Beanie this morning, instead I am going back to my painting, we will have to go to Billie’s pool instead.” And Billie’s pool is very close to Tuesday Morning, I knew I was going to get my pretty sheets.

And instant we got in truck to go swimming I informed him I wanted to go to Tuesday Morning first. He hit the ceiling. Usually when he hits the ceiling about an errand I want, I am so wishy-washy about it. “If you don’t want to do it, fine” I say. I give him 100 ways to get out of it. But this time it was different, I wanted those pretty sheets, I wanted that treat, and I knew I deserved it, I wasn’t wishy-washy at all. I just said when I got into the truck “I want to go to Tuesday Morning first to get pretty sheets, I can’t stand the ugly ones I have,” and then just waited for storm to subside while he hit the ceiling. I had never told him about my shock and my experience, I thought it could upset him, and why should 2 people be upset, I wanted to contain it to me.

He got over Tuesday Morning pretty fast tho. It was loud burst at first, but he got over it fast and like sudden thunderstorm. I had planned out in my mind what I wanted. I wanted the pretty sheet set. I wanted to buy 2 new towels, one for him and one for me for swimming. In winter you do need a towel after shower, and we only have two I bought at Tuesday Morning last month. Also I don’t like the aroma of the body wash I bought there last time. It is supposed to be flower scent and I just don’t like it. I saw the little bottles with fruit scent there last time and I decided I would buy that this time, a package with six little bottles of different fruit scent. I was very clear on what I wanted to buy there, because his sitting in hot parking lot, I didn’t want to be long. Plus I didn’t want to forget what I wanted, because as you can see getting him to go back there is not so easy.

I was hoping that wonderful woman who helped me find the towels last time, so big so luxurious so wonderful at such a great bargain, and those wonderful soft pillowcases, so pretty, so sweet on my cheek and at such amazing bargain, would be there to help me choose the sheets. But I didn’t see her and went over to the sheet section myself. I had decided this time I would choose a pretty pattern. But as I was looking at them she arrived, I recognized her.

I told her how happy she had made me last time, that everything she chose for me had made me so happy, and I explained about wanting new sheets now, and why. I told her the whole story. And she instantly put her hands on two sheet sets which she thought were the best value. One was an attractive blue with brocade looking design on it, so it wasn’t just one blue, I liked it. And the other seemed to be tan. I so wanted to get away from brown after my bad experience, and brown is not my color anyway, blue is. I am a blue girl, not a brown girl. But she said “this one is the same price as the blue one and it is 500 thread count, the other is 450.” And it’s true the original price was much higher than the blue set, altho the prices at Tuesday Morning were the same. It was clear this was the one she recommended for me. “Because it’s a better value?” I said. “Yes” she said “500 thread count.” Whatever that means. So I bought the one she suggested, I trust her.

When we got to pool parking lot Bill went right off to swim, but I wanted to organize my stuff. I put the two towels I bought behind seat because they are for emergency for swimming if our towels are wet from rain in winter. I put the box of body wash with my swim stuff because that is for shower after swimming. And I put the sheet set placed to take into house when I got home. And then when I was all ready to go swimming myself, I saw Adam arrive for his swim on his bicycle in bare feet.

“How are you?” he said. “Great” I said, which meant a lot to me to say. I had been so upset the day before ‘bout the booboo to my feelings, but when I had woke up next morning, feeling OK again, I had read Gloria’s “Letter from God.” Where God had stressed how important it is to be happy because happiness is contagious (like measles) and you want to spread happiness wherever you go. I really wanted to carry out God’s request, to bring happiness to others by being happy myself. So I felt good about saying “great” when Adam said “how are you?”

Adam said his kitty cat went to Heaven yesterday. He said it came out of nowhere, one minute she was fine, then she was so sick, then she went to Heaven. I don’t know how many cats Adam has, he said “one of my kitty cats.” Of course I knew all about that booboo, my summer had started off with booboo about Lulu. My heart went right out to Adam. He said “the only thing which heals the hurt is time.” I said “that’s true, we went thru it with our dog Lulu in July, the hurt lasted a month, by the second month I was OK, this is the shortest I have ever been able to get it down to.”

For me it is absolute conviction that everyone and all animals live forever, so Lulu is perfectly happy, perfectly alive, perfectly enjoying herself in Heaven now. I forget that not everyone sees it that way. What was interesting was Adam feeling and reasoning his way to it, as we stood on sidewalk in front of pool. He was still astraddle his bicycle, with his bare feet.

He said “I think it is the same for animals as it is for people. We have physical body and astral body and soul body and all the way up, and at highest level is our spirit body always trying to help us and guide us.” Adam was explaining why he thinks we live forever and so do our animals. But he got so interested in his explanation to me, explaining how it all works, that he said once when he was on wrestling team in high school, the practice was so grueling and so exhausting, that when he got home and lied down, he actually started to have an out of body experience. “Instantly I hit the panic button” he said. “It scared me but I did see how you could be out of your body, I experienced it, but I hit the panic button right away to stop it.” I said “we all believe our own experience and you experienced we are more than our body.”

Adam was explaining to me about consciousness. I had already read all this way back when I was first learning stuff, so I knew it all already, but I found it very interesting that Adam was such a good explainer of it. I never could explain it that well. I don’t think I could explain it at all. When he started explaining about consciousness, and how consciousness exists on so many levels, all the way up, I actually saw it before my eyes. I could see how they are all going on at same time. And it all depends where we put our focus. Like a building with 100 floors, but spending our time on second floor. Hahaha but we could take elevator to 100th floor. Our consciousness does go all the way up.

Then when Adam finished telling me the story of what happened after wrestling practice when he was in high school and how he hit the panic button, he interrupted his conversation to say “I better take my swim or my mom will worry about me.”

Like many in Tucson, like my friend Jim who took complete care of his bedridden 99 year old mother till she went to Heaven this past winter, Adam too cares for his very aged bedridden mother at home. But Adam has a problem Jim never had. Which is if Adam does not arrive back home instant the time he says he will be home, his mom panics and calls the police.

Obviously she has a problem. Adam is a 45 year old man, 45 year old men do not get kidnapped on way home from swim pool which is only 4 blocks from their house. It has imposed a lot of limitations on Adam’s going out. For instance he is passionate about UFOs, and Bill said there is monthly MUFON meeting at Wilmot library on 2nd Saturday of every month about UFOs. But Adam cannot be gone that long, his mom would call the cops.

But you have to hand it to Adam. He can’t go anywhere because his mom calls the cops. His beloved kittycat went to Heaven yesterday. And yet his wondrous curiosity, interest, passion for life, love of understanding and explaining, and happy buoyant spirit was all over his face yesterday afternoon. Adam’s happiness was contagious to me.... He is the one who healed up my booboo totally and completely, as we stood on hot sidewalk in front of pool yesterday. And I did have lovely swim....

My friend George Canaris (East Village NYC)

Ronald De Nota painting
"Riomar Cafe on Little West 12th Street, NYC, 1998"
Monday, August 25, 2008, 6:45 am
“George”

Last evening it hit me I had never written about George. I didn’t see how that was possible, but it is. Of course I want to write about George. He was a friend of mine and he was a friend of my dogs.

I am sure anyone who lived in the East Village in the ‘60s or the ‘70s or the ‘80s or the ‘90s would know George. I don’t know when he moved there, and I don’t know how long he stayed. In my mind there is no beginning and no end to George. I assume he must have been there forever. Altho of course he was born in Germany (I think) and had thick accent, so I don’t know when he came over. If you say to George “how old are you? what country did you come from? where did you go to high school?” If you ask him anything personal, he will not answer.

I know George is Jewish because when we’d be walking down the street with my dog, George helping me do errands, the older men on First Avenue who worked in the stores, would try to pull George into that tiny little synagogue on Houston Street on Friday evenings so they could have a minyon. Apparently you can’t have your service at all unless there is a minyon. I had no idea what a minyon is, I am guessing 6 men with prayer shawls on standing around the rabbi and the cantor, if that synagogue had a cantor at all. Their eyes would light up when they saw George coming down the street with me and my dog, because it was so close to the time, and they needed that extra person to make a minyon. I have no idea if George acceded to their request or not. I mean when he finished helping me, did he go over to the synagogue? I do not know.

George’s claim to fame is that he had been at City Hall thru umpteen administrations. They all knew him at City Hall. When I told that to my fellow dog walkers in Tompkins Square Park, they scoffed! “He is a meshuginar,” they said to me. “He thinks he goes to City Hall every day and they all know him there,” they said to me. They said “it is like the meshuginar who was in the middle of First Avenue waving his arms last week, he thought he was a traffic cop directing traffic, and George thinks he goes to City Hall every day and he is known there.” This is what Mike said.

Mike is a horse-playing Jewish man, exactly the same age as my father. Mike was born in 1913, like my dad and like Bill’s dad, and is a horseplayer like Bill’s dad, goes to the track every day. In a competition of the most stubborn man on earth, is it Leon my dad, is it Bill’s dad, is it Mike the dog walker in Tompkins Square Park. They are all heavy-weight champions in the area of scoffing; stubborn-minded scoffers. But I guess I would give the award to Mike. There is nothing I could say or do, which would change Mike’s mind that George imagines he goes to City Hall every day, that George is a meshuginar with a vivid imagination.

If Mayor Abe Beame happened to be walking thru Tompkins Square Park (which he would never do!) and came up to George and said “Hi George, how are you doing” and if Mike were sitting next to George, Mike would still not change his mind.

And in fact a year or so before I left New York, George was at City Hall when Mayor Beame showed up for a luncheon. He had been mayor a few administrations before. “Hi George, you still here?” former Mayor Abe Beame said. And George said “yes, your honor.”

I know exactly how George got to be "included" at City Hall because he used the same technique on me and it worked like a charm. Yes it’s true the whole world sees George as a meshuginar, but that is before you get to know him. After you get to know him, I am not saying George is not a meshuginar, but who cares! He just gives you a more expansive view of what human nature is like. Like discovering a new planet in the solar system or new star in the galaxy. Your vision widens to include George. (Before you get to know George, he is not included in your vision, there is the solar system and there is George, and he is excluded.) It is a big difference. And in some ways now I feel myself privileged to be one of those who knows George. Altho of course everyone thru a zillion administrations knows George, plus half my neighborhood. I am not in small club. Half my neighborhood just knows George as meshuginar and excludes him. And half know him as I do, and everyone at City Hall, and the old men who try to pull him into their minyon.

The way George became my friend, and got to be included in City Hall, is by making himself indispensable. I used to always run away from George. But one day I was coming home with all those heavy shopping bags, plus I had my dog, and George offered to carry my shopping bags. It was help I desperately needed. And to my surprise my dog, it was my first dog then, Spes, was madly passionately totally in love with George. George not only carried all my shopping bags home for me, but carried them up the 3 flights of steps and put them by my door. It made my life so much easier, it was such a huge favor.

And after that he figured out my habits, that I went to the park every day with the fellow dog walkers, and then grocery shopped on First Avenue on the way home. And it seems just at the instant I was trying to navigate all those heavy bags, George would appear, carry them home and up all the steps. And of course my dog was overjoyed out of her mind to be with George, she loved George. And then somehow that became our routine. My dog Spes never liked going to the park with the fellow dog-walkers, so instead George and I would walk around the neighborhood with her as I stopped in stores to pick up this or that. Once the 3 of us walked to SoHo together to the discount paper store and I bought 10 heavy packages of top quality typing paper, and George carried it all home for me. When I got one of those huge Selectric typewriters because they cost nothing when computers came in, and it broke a few times, George carried that huge heavy thing downstairs. And we took taxi together to Chelsea to my typewriter store to have it fixed. And then George and I and dog walked home. Same thing when we picked it up. I do not know how I would have managed without George.

And this is exactly what happened at City Hall. I have no idea where in City Hall the big machers spent all day schmoozing. But it was very convenient for them, if someone wanted container of coffee to-go, with bagel and shmear, that George was always there, eager and willing to go. Whatever anyone had a taste for, there was George. They only had to give him the money for it and he would go across the street and get it. There were probably lots of errands they could send George for. To get their cigars, to get their cigarettes. If they bought their cigars in a different neighborhood, George would go get it! Anything! wherever it was! When Isaac Bashevis Singer was invited for tea, it was George who bought the napkins, who bought the cookies, and even poured out the coffee and tea. He told me later “Isaac Bashevis Singer had tea not coffee, just lemon no sugar, and didn’t eat any of the cookies.” That might have been where former Mayor Abe Beame showed up and said “I see you’re still here, George” and George said “nice to see you, your honor.”

Even if something was on another floor, they could send George to get it. With George around no one had to move a muscle, George would get it for you. They couldn’t run away from George like I did the first ten years, they were stuck with him from the beginning, so I bet they discovered very quickly how indispensable George is. It hit me once that Mayors come and go but George is always there. I tried to explain this to Mike. But you can get a good idea what my dad was like and Bill’s dad was like. All Mike did was to say again about the meshuginar on First Avenue, how he stood there waving his arms directing traffic, till the cops finally took him away. Mike refused to believe George ever stepped foot in City Hall.

The very few personal things I know about George are things he let drop, because as I say he wouldn’t answer any question. One very cold day in winter he mentioned, during the Depression in Germany he would go to the public library because it was the only warm place. But when I said “did you come from Germany, George?” He gave that odd look and either said “no” or refused to answer. Once he said his uncle is still mad at him, because he accuses George of stealing the bottle of whiskey at his daughter’s bas mitzvah, which of course George did. “I didn’t know you have family here?” I said. And George refused to answer. That is the only time George mentioned any family at all.

I have the impression George might have gone to high school here and had a terrible time, no one talked to him. But I may not be right about this, it may be some other early experience in America where things were awful for George.

When my dog Spes was ill, George was my savior. He arrived every day, and when she could no longer make the steps, he carried her down, he carried her up, and she would walk with us to the card tables by the precinct across the street, where she would lie under the table while George and I played cards. I did this because she wanted to be outside so much. So George and I would spend hours upon hours playing cards. I was absolutely completely devoted to my dog, I would do anything for her, and George was a saint and angel to do this for me. That’s really when George and I became close. He was the worst card player in the world. We played Gin Rummy, and at first I easily beat him every game, even tho I had not played cards since I was 9 years old. But when I saw how much George wanted to win, I managed to lose every game after that. George kept score with pencil and paper. Sometimes George, who was up every night and never slept, would fold his arms on the table, rest his head on it, and say “wake me up with a kiss.” I wish I could replicate George’s heavy accent “vake me up mit a kiss.” It was hard to understand George cause of his heavy accent.

After two months Spes did go to Heaven, early one Saturday morning. Bill and I spent the whole day at home together talking being close. At 4 pm the intercom bell rang, and I thought to myself “that is George! he is so faithful! he is here to help me walk Spes.” I wasn’t ready to say anything, I just buzzed George in and called down the stairs “thank you very much George, but I am already back home.” But that evening when I went out to buy something at the corner store, George passed me on First Avenue. I said “George, Spes went to Heaven this morning, Bill and I are upstairs sitting shiva for her right now.” And a smile crossed George’s lips when I said I was sitting shiva for Spes. And he said “I thought if she made it thru the weekend she would be OK.” How sweet of George to have had faith in my dog, that she could make it! I had too, till she went to Heaven. But I tell you, it took all the faith in the Universe for me to have believed that. No one will ever know the effort I put into having faith and hope my dog would make it.

Then Bill took me on camping trip in Adirondacks for 4 or 5 days so we could recuperate from Spes and the day we got back we got Clio. Adina had brought Clio over the day before we left, to ask if we wanted her. She couldn’t stand Clio and was giving Clio up. And she came up with Clio, and Bill said “fine we will take her!” But we were going on camping trip. We asked Adina to keep Clio for those few days. Adina clearly never wanted Clio back in her apartment but of course she said yes, she was so relieved she had found a home for Clio. And Bill had me call from Grand Central Station when we got off the train, to tell Adina we will take taxi home now and to bring Clio over right now.

Clio was 4 months old and a torture chamber, and she could not be walked off the leash the way I did with Spes. She had to be on the leash every second, because when she wasn’t she took off faster than lightning and danced in First Avenue in heavy traffic. That girl gave me so many traumas! But George and I took up where we left off. I had to hold Clio on the leash, so it would have been even harder to carry home all those shopping bags of groceries. But I didn’t need to, I had George. I was very close to George now and loved him beyond measure for what he had done for Spes, my beloved beloved beloved Spes. And it turned out what George wanted, I don’t know how we arrived at this, what George wanted was-- after I threw the ball for Clio at the school playground across from the precinct, the girl was a great athlete-- We would sit on the bench or at the card table, I would have Clio on the leash. George would bring pencil and paper, and he would dictate a letter.

It began off as one letter, he had something he really wanted to say to someone at City Hall about how things should be. I copied down his dictation in good English with punctuation, and then had George type it up, and I proofread it. It didn’t matter what I wrote down in perfect spelling and good English. By the time George typed it up, the spelling was a catastrophe and there was no punctuation. The first time I had him redo it, but after that I didn’t bother. I would read him back his letter after I first took it down, and then read it back to him after he brought me the typewritten copy. George was very satisfied, he liked hearing his letter. George never said “I” in the letter, he didn’t say “I think.” He always said “we.” “We think” “ We suggest” “What we think you should do..”

After the first few letters George discovered he loved this so much, that I would sit on the bench with him and take down 10 letters. Since George did not have very much to say, and would only try to think of something to say and to who he could possibly write to, the letters became very brief. “Perfect!” I would say after I took it down. “Perfect!” I would say, after he showed me the typewritten letters from the ones I had taken down day before. I thought “what does it matter all the typos and spelling mistakes,” some of the letters were so silly, George’s suggestion for the type of teabags they use at City Hall. All the letters were to City Hall.

I said to George “I am your secretary,” and he loved that. After that wherever we went, which was everywhere in our neighborhood, and whoever we met, and George knew everyone in the neighborhood, he introduced me as his secretary. “This is my secretary” he would say. And they would look at me (they didn’t believe George) “yes” I said, “I am his secretary.” George loved having a secretary. And somehow it is my destiny lol, to always be a secretary. In one way or another, my whole life I have been a secretary. I am one to this day

Clio was 4 months old when we adopted her, and 4 years old when we moved to Tucson, so this life must have continued till the day we left. He would help me with my shopping while I walked Clio, then we would sit on the bench, and I would be his secretary, and then he would keep me company while I threw the ball for Clio at the handball courts.

Clio loved George too, all dogs loved George.

I didn’t tell George I was leaving, I knew it would break his heart. But he found out after we left, and he handled it well. I wrote to all my neighbors and friends in the neighborhood “if you see George give him my address in Tucson, and tell him to write.” And sure enough I got a letter. He must have come to my building to find me and Catherine came down and gave him my address. And I got a letter from him saying “now he doesn’t have his secretary,” but it was still a nice letter -- if you could figure out what he was saying, every word was misspelt and it was one long sentence. (“dear secriterti” it began off.) He wouldn’t tell me his address, he kept everything about his life secret to the end. I never even know which block he lived on. He told me to write to him at the Democratic headquarters on 9th Street and gave me their address, which is a storefront on 9th Street.

And so George and I corresponded for about a year. And then I guess I forgot about George and he forgot about me. But he has a place in my heart which will always be there. And I bet George too has never forgotten, that one day he had a great secretary.

Post script, I remember now when George and I sat on the bench to be his secretary, first I had George get me a container of coffee to go, sweet and light, and a danish to go with it. And I bet I made him pay. I know George has no money, but he walked everywhere, he never took public transportation to City Hall or to anywhere. He walked. For dinner he had can of sardines. What did he spend money on, except a bottle of whiskey. He could afford to spring $1 for his secretary to have coffee and danish while he dictated his letters to her. LOL I bet George liked it. It made him feel like a real employer. “You are a great employer” I said happily to George when he handed me my coffee and danish.

The New York Street Painters
Ronnie DeNota with fellow painters
Gotham Drawing

Little New York on River Road

Tucson painting by Felix Pasilis
Sunday, 8/10/08, 6:43 am
In Tucson you can join a club or swim at Public Pool

It’s a beautiful morning. The birds are chirping and whistling. A sparrow is doing her “la toilette,” primping her feathers, on branch right out my window, making herself beautiful. Wow what a big job she is doing. She is cleaning each one of her feathers, under her wing, on her breast, her back, everywhere.

The sky is gentle blue. And the sunlight shining thru the green leaves of mesquite tree is starting to look August, the green has an August hue to it. It is a world of gentle blue sky, August-hued green leaves, and sparrows in my tree, hip hopping from branch to branch, except for Mrs Sparrow, her morning bath and preening is taking forever.

O now another sparrow on another branch is doing his morning preen and clean. Mrs Sparrow has finished hers it seems, she is looking around. O I spoke too soon, she was just taking a rest, she is back cleaning under her wing again.

Tomorrow schools in Tucson open again and the school year begins. The summer lifeguards who are all 16 years old, and spent all summer barefoot in bathing suits at the city swim pools, will be in shoes and socks and regular clothes, and taking history and English and chemistry and trigonometry. Instead of a day at the pool, it will be day in school. I asked one what he thought about school opening again and he said “it will be fun to see my friends who I haven’t seen all summer.” I am guessing this means the friends who were away during the summer. The desert is like NYC in that way, those who can get away from the heat in summer, do. Altho I am guessing his friends just looked for summer jobs outside of Tucson, they wanted to be away.

When my cousins were growing up in Tucson my aunt Ruth rented beach house in San Diego for the summer, and they spent their summers on the beach. San Diego is no longer affordable so now the teachers in Tucson take their families to the seaside in Mexico for the summer. They all have condos down there. I was friends with some of these teachers when I was at Racquet Club and they all said “when I retire I want to move there.” They love Mexico, they love their condo on the beach there. In the public pools I don’t run into this world. There are not so many lap swimmers and the ones I know are rooted in Tucson. But at Racquet Club it seemed almost everyone was going back and forth to Mexico all the time. The ones who didn’t own a condo there would go and rent for a week-end or a week.

It’s interesting what a different world Racquet Club was in summer compared to the public pools in summer. Public pools are so orderly. There are all the 16 year old lifeguards hired for the summer, gazillions of them because so many children are in the pools in the afternoons, the day camps come and bring all their kids. So it is the year round lifeguards, Samantha and the others who are always there; the summer lifeguards; and the morning lap swimmers, the same swimmers you see year round. In the afternoons there is the same father, he is a teacher, who brings his little daughter every day every summer. But he is not going back and forth to Mexico, he takes his daughter to pool every day, and when they are not at the pool he takes her to the movies. I begin to see why the public pools have the same vibe I do. For better or for worse, my life is like that too.

Not everyone at Racquet Club leads life of high adventure. After all Bill and I were there for 3 years, our friend Jim has been there forever, Layla is there, Maria is there too. But if you look closely, Maria does go to New York City a few times a year to be with her son and grandchildren, and does visit Poland where she grew up once a year. Layla too goes to NYC few times a year to see her son, and down to her farm in Mexico once a year for few weeks. Jim doesn’t go anywhere, but his heart is not in Tucson at all, he dreams night and day of having a yacht and living in Tahiti. And Sue always spends her summer back in Michigan.

The world I grew up in is the Racquet Club world. In fact my parents were tennis players, we had a summer cottage in the Adirondacks in the summer; my parents were always active, they did sport, and went to the theater, to concerts. Cultural life was a big part of their life. I was like the children of the parents at Racquet Club. For me being at Racquet Club was being back in the world I grew up in. And that is the life my aunt Ruth gave her kids when they were growing up in Tucson. It is incredible how cosmopolitan Racquet Club is. I was friends with Arlene there, both she and her husband are university professors. And they have been to every country in the world. And really when you think of it, so has Layla.

Well a little birdie is sitting on a high up branch just quietly looking around. O he saw something! O he straightened up, poised alert! O he took off! Hahaha you always think of a bird watcher as someone with binoculars around their neck, tramping thru the woods, but I guess in my own way I am bird watcher too, I like to watch the birds.

Yes Racquet Club is the world I grew up in. I guess it is no surprise that practically the first day there, I was sitting in jacuzzi next to older guy, and out of the blue in middle of conversation, he said about dating Ruth Wilensky when he was 16 years old. I fell over! Wilensky is my maiden name. I hadn’t realized that would have been my aunt’s name until she married George. Only in Racquet Club would you hear your own maiden name spoken to you, without any awareness that was the name you grew up with. “I dated Ruth Wilensky when I was 16, but she preferred George, he became her boyfriend” Seymour told me in the jacuzzi my first week at Racquet Club.

Seymour had grown up in the Bronx, by the Bronx Zoo, but obviously had come to Tucson fairly young if he had been dating my aunt. He became a doctor, was general practitioner his whole life. Sometimes his wife and grown up kids arrived, and they looked every inch New York City. They looked like a family my parents would have been friends with. And of course they have summer house in Rocky Mountains to get out of the heat. There are doctors at my public pool too, but they are not elegant cosmopolitan sophisticated like Seymour (Seymour is an intellectual.) The doctors at public pool work at the hospital close by, and are the klutzes to end all klutzes. You never want to swim in a lane next to them or anywhere near them. They are absolutely oblivious of the world around them. They are completely out of it. There are even two professors at the public pool but they are not one bit like Arlene and her husband Mike the physics professor, the two world travelers. Alfredo is in food science department, he doesn’t leave Tucson, he loves to grow his beautiful plants and swim at public pool every day. And Lyn the anthropology professor, also swims at public pool every day, never leaves Tucson, except I guess for anthropology conventions, and spends his evenings going dancing, he knows all the unusual exotic folk dances.

Of course I love everyone I met at Racquet Club, they are the nicest people in the world. And if you notice our good friends now are people we met at Racquet Club, Layla and Jim and Maria, and even Sue altho I never see her. And Kimberly altho I never see her either. And Gail and Ray altho they switched to public pools as we did. I guess you have to share interests for a friend to cross over from pool friend to friend in regular life. And all my friends in NYC are people you would meet at the Racquet Club.

But it is the public pools which suit me to a T. So few people in that big huge pool, high up by the mountains. Everything so simple, just a big deep swim pool, a bathhouse with no roof, showering under the blue sky and bird call, watching the birds take off and land while you swim. And talking to Patsy in the next lane about the poker game she was in last night. Her husband is top card player, and Patsy is learning.

This is the other world I grew up in, it wasn’t my parents’ world, but the world of the parents of the children I played with in my building. Where their mothers played Mahjong every evening, and we sat at the kitchen table and played poker when we got home from school, and tried to teach ourselves Mahjong. And Carol’s mother would get out her ash tray and cigarettes and join us for a hand, and talk about the 12 egg sponge cake she just made for Pesach.

I am not saying everyone at public pools is like Patsy and Mike. Kathleen teaches the oboe to children who are entering competitions and is a great potter. Eleanor did great pottery too. But swimming in quiet empty pool next to Patsy, hearing how she had a Straight, how could she not bet on it, is just my speed. And Mike is next to her saying proudly how well she did. And because it is a money game (Mike is always in big money games) Mike says he is her sugar daddy and when she was down $400 it was his money and he was very nervous, but she came back very well.... this is what I like. For me this is the kind of pool conversation which harmonizes with beautiful mountains to look at, blue sky above, birds always on their way somewhere, and 16 year old lifeguards up in the stands.

It is the simple life of Annie at 8 years old....

“The cockamamie grocery shopper (me!)”

5:44 am, Saturday, August 9, 2008

After the pool yesterday we stopped at Sunflower Market on the way home. There were only two items we needed. We were out of tamari sauce, and we were out of half-and-half for coffee. But last time we stopped at Sunflower because I was out of 2 items, I walked out of the store with 4 huge shopping bags. I don’t know how it happens, because I do fully intend just to buy the two items I need. I hadn’t been to Sunflower in a while because Fry’s supermarket is right by Billie’s pool, so the past few Fridays (when we have been at Billie’s pool) we have been going to Fry’s. And one week I stopped at Discount Foods on the way home, the day after we had been at Fry’s. I was just out of half-and-half, I had forgotten to buy that-- and I don’t know what happened. I got back to the truck with 10 bags of food. So the result is we haven’t been to Sunflower in 3 weeks.

I was at the meat counter, they had spectacular sale on London Broil, when Andrew, one of the baggers there, found me. “Where have you been!” he asked. “I don’t know” I said. And then I said “I went to Discount Food,” and burst out laughing. It tickled my funny bone because Sunflower Market-- it’s not quite a gourmet supermarket, but everything is high quality. The produce is organic (half of it anyway). The meat is organic. The deli counter is all Boar’s Head brand, which is the same brand as the Italian sausage store on next block when I lived on Lower East Side. It is tremendously high quality brand for cold cuts. And they make home made Italian sausages at Sunflower too. When Sunflower opened I found things I had not found available in Tucson until Sunflower Market opened, I was really really happy.

Discount Foods is the reverse. It is a hillbilly supermarket, which is why Bill won’t step one foot in it, he hates it. But I like a hillbilly supermarket, I love Discount Foods. You never know what you will find there, because they buy from food producers who have over-supply and just want to get rid of it. Sell it cheap to Discount Foods, who sells it cheap to their customers. So there is hardly any fresh produce, it is mostly either canned or frozen.

And whole side of store isn’t food at all, it is stuff. I bought an electric fan the last time I was there, and a sheet set of espresso colored sheets and pillow cases, and 15 cans of Campbell soups, and two containers of salt, and two quarts of half-and-half.

That is why we went to Discount Food. I had forgotten to buy salt and half-and-half at Fry’s. I went in to buy just those two items and nearly forgot to buy them. I was so distracted by the sheet sets and electric fans. And Campbell’s soup for 40 cent a can. And in canned vegetables, they had all those things Bill likes, collard greens and things I don’t even know what they are, I guess Southern vegetables, Bill likes them. So I came out to the truck with electric fan, espresso colored sheet set, 20 cans of Campbell soup, 10 cans of collard greens or that other kind he likes. 2 containers of salt and 3 quarts of half-and-half. The third one was a mistake, I should have stuck with two, but it was half the price of the supermarket. So I made booboo.

After that, and we had just done huge shopping at Fry’s the day before, I knew I had to cool it with grocery shopping. I had enough cans of soup for a whole winter, for two whole winters. And ditto cans of collard greens. O that’s right-- they had canned cherries and canned pear halves on extra sale when I walked in, and for some reason my mouth watered for that. I did exercise some self control, I only bought two cans of each. I never before bought canned fruit in syrup because my mom served fruit cocktail for dessert every night as dessert for dinner, when what I really wanted for dessert was chocolate cake. The instant I grew up I bought chocolate cake for dessert and never once bought fruit cocktail, or any other canned fruit in syrup. I will never buy canned peaches either, which was the other thing she served. But very occasionally she served canned plums in syrup, and that sounds good to me now, I would get that.

I love everyone who works at Sunflower and they love me, and I used to be there twice a week like clockwork since they opened few years ago. So naturally when I didn’t show up there this whole past month, they missed me and I missed them. Andrew must have come back and reported to them that I wasn’t there because I was shopping at Discount Foods instead.

That is the only reason I can figure out why, when they were ringing up my groceries (of course I bought more than I intended to, but I did not totally disgrace myself like I have always done in the past) the check-out girl made a big point of telling me how much money I saved. “It was two London Broils for price of one,” she said, “so you saved ten dollars there. And you saved ten dollars on all your other groceries, so altogether you saved 20 dollars,” she said so proudly and happily and encouragingly to me.

O I remember the other thing I bought at Discount Foods. At Sunflower, a pound of freshly ground coffee is 6 dollars. And Discount Foods had a six pound bag of coffee beans, which you could ground there, for 8 dollars. Of course no one knew how to use the grinder and neither did I. It took a team effort to accomplish it.

I could happily shop at Discount Foods on a more regular basis. But Andrew doesn’t have to worry, Bill hates going there, so we only wind up there 4 times a year. And now that pool summer schedule is over, and we won’t be near Fry’s anymore on Fridays, Sunflower will go back to being my regular supermarket.

It is so close and so convenient and the food is so high quality, and I love them and they love me. And Bill doesn’t mind driving me there, because next door is Factory 2 U, and he always hopes there will be T shirt for one of the sports teams he likes....

“We are thinking about adopting Harley”

Tucson painting by Felix Pasilis

August 8, 2008, Friday, 5:50 am

“We are thinking about adopting Harley”

Well there is a very interesting sky to the west. When I went out to open windows on truck and saw it, it took my breath away. I loved the beauty. It is still so close to sunrise and the sky was dark, but not night dark, it was from the thick clouds. But the thick clouds were all colors of such deep blues, dark blues, and then I guess the tall southern pines set up against it. I feel like I have seen a sky like that in a painting, maybe in something called “Toledo” in Spain in the 16th century. There was a painter who favored painting skies like that, I saw them in the museum in New York.

It was very encouraging to see all that beauty and have it take my breath away, since it was a morning when I woke up, opened my eyes, realized it was a new day, and thought “NO! I don’t want it!” I was content to be snoozing happily, I have no idea why the idea of a new day was something I didn’t want. Right now, looking out my window, it is still a grey and cloudy early morning, cool and green, and drinking my coffee, I don’t know why I didn’t want the new day. What can possibly be wrong with sitting by my open window, looking out at all that green, and feeling the cool breezes come in and touch me.

It is a very pleasant cool green grey cloudy morning. O the sun must have risen, since the southern pines to the west are now radiant in golden light. And some of the dense clouds to west have parted to show some blue sky, and some of the clouds have turned fluffy white. Altho right above is still dense cloud cover. Fine! Desert summer is so hot, it’s nice having this moist umbrella cloud cover, with pearly light, and bird calls.

LOL one of Picasso’s wives wrote the story of their marriage. I read this book long time ago. He was already famous when she married him and she said “Pablo did not like to get out of bed and face the day.” So she would come in with his steamy coffee, his buttered croissant, and sit on the bed and tell him what a great painter he is, what great paintings he has painted and will paint, and how wonderful he is in every way. And then after that pep talk and delicious buttered croissant and cup of hot chocolate, he was willing to get out of bed and face his day.

I scoffed at him when I read this back at 26 years old, but now I see perfectly why one needs a little encouragement to face the day. It would sweeten the transition if someone brought me a tray with delicious pastry, delicious coffee already made with cream and sugar. I wouldn’t want to be told how great I was, but maybe a few sweet soft words, about the treats the day may hold for me. “A beautiful sky to see when you go out into front yard to open up the truck. A misty green morning to look out on, when you sit at your desk. There is cool morning air this morning, you will like feeling it on your shoulders. The birds are all in your tree waiting for you.”

If I thought I was going to get up to a morning as sweet and tender as the sleepy-land I had just been in, I wouldn’t have balked that way and said “a new day! I don’t want it!” Because who could not want this, watching the little birdies hop around the tree right out my window. It is sweeter than sleepy-land, it is more innocent and simpler.

Well day before yesterday the young lifeguard was chatting with me while I was in the water and he was up in the lifeguard stand. I don’t remember how the conversation began off, but I perked up my ears when he got to the point where he told me, his mom said to his dad “I want another kid,” and his dad said “can’t we just get another dog instead.” They have two dogs now, one of those tiny little ones that only weigh 6 pounds, and a big shepherd x (which sounds like my first dog, Spes) who is 87 pounds. But I found out later in the car going home with Bill that his family lives on ranch, they have 7 acres near Reddington Road. So when he told me “there is huge yard, there is room for 3rd dog,” he really does have it.

Apparently the whole family went to Humane Society two weeks ago to start looking for the next dog. He said his mom only wants girl dogs, she doesn’t want boy dogs. The summer lifeguards are all 16 years old and live at home. So every conversation I have with them about their life, you always hear their parents’ decisions. Last week Anthony told us “his dad said he can keep Montana, his dog, Montana will just be an indoor dog, and hang out with Anthony in his room.” Anthony was overjoyed with his dad’s decision since the week before Anthony had told us, “my dad says I have till Sunday to find new home for Montana or he goes to the pound.”

I don’t know the name of the young lifeguard I was chatting with two days ago, the one whose mom wants another kid but is willing to get another dog instead, and won’t have a boy dog, just likes girl dogs. But he told me “there are a lot of litters of puppies at the pound now.” So then my ears really perked up, as we are in the period of discussion of which dog would be good second dog for Beanie. And he said “there was a two-year-old basset hound there too.” “Billy!” I shrieked across the pool. “Come hear this!! There’s a basset hound at the pound right now!”

So Bill swam over, and I swam away to finish my swim and let the lifeguard tell Bill all about the puppies at the pound and the basset hound. I guess that’s when Bill found out he lives on 7 acre ranch by Reddington Road.

So we talked about the basset hound at the pound on the way home.

And yesterday morning when Bill woke up, that was the first topic he brought up, so I knew he was thinking seriously about it. “Call the pound” he said, “and find out if the basset is still there. We will be at Billie’s pool tomorrow, which is a hop skip and jump from Kelvin Street where the pound is, we can take a look at her.”

When I tried to call Humane Society, their answering machine said they don’t open till 9 am. But when I googled to find their phone number, and clicked on their site, there were pictures and descriptions of every dog they have up for adoption now.

None said “basset hound” but one said “hound.” It just said “it is a young hound named Harley.” And there was the photo. So I called Bill in.

Of course there was a spaniel which was so cute, the spaniel looked just like my Beanie. I notice whenever I go to pound for second dog, I always want one just like the one I have at home. I am always totally in love with the dog I have now at home, and want one just like her or him. So naturally this time I wanted one just like Beanie.

But Bill rightfully so, is very concerned about Beanie’s feelings. Partly because Beanie has mental problems, but also just for his feelings. “Beanie is a star” Bill said, “he won’t want another dog to outshine him.” It is why Bill was so attracted to Harley when he saw the photo. “He is a schlub” Bill said, “a big fat happy schlub, no way will he outshine Beanie, he is perfect for Beanie.”

I don’t know why I have to go get the biggest schlub in the pound, when there were some really cute ones up on that site. But of course Bill is right. The only dog Beanie might be willing to put with is a total schlub. Beanie is the sparkling star. His brother has to be the biggest schlub in the world, which clearly Harley is.

After 9 am I called the pound and talked to Jackie. She said Harley is the only basset they have, and he is 3 years old. We couldn’t tell from the photo that Harley was basset, it just said “hound,” and he didn’t look bassety at all in his photo.

But Jackie said he is basset hound mix, so I reported back to Bill. But then Jan called, and we haven’t chatted for a month, I wanted to talk to her on the phone. And when I got off it was time to leave for the pool. The clouds had massed, there could be lightning and storm at any time.

Bill said “I’ll put my thinking cap on, and think about Harley in the pool.”

So I swam and he chatted with Ray at end of lane, where they talked about everything under the sun.

He didn’t go to the movies in the afternoon, he sat in his chair in living room and read “Shogun.” Outside was full of thunder and little Beanie was so scared.

We were both so trepidatious about how Beanie would react to Harley. Beanie does have that problem, he starts up with every dog. When Bill had confided Beanie’s problem to the young lifeguard (Bill told him he took Beanie to the park last month and Beanie started 3 fights with the 3 dogs he saw) and lifeguard told Bill “you have to interrupt the eye contact, first they make eye contact then they fight, but if you do something which breaks the eye contact, then Beanie won’t pounce.”

Where Beanie get the chutzpah to jump at huge big ferocious dogs, I don’t know. He is a fice! It makes Bill’s life hell. Because Beanie pounces on little tiny dogs, which makes the owner want to murder Bill. And Beanie jumps at big huge ferocious dogs which scares Bill that Beanie will get himself hurt. “What we need is the dog whisperer” Bill said the other day, “to solve Beanie’s aggression problem.”

But the young lifeguard told Bill "if you break the eye contact, it won’t happen! move their head to side, anything where eye contact is broken! spritz them with water! anything!" So Bill is planning to have a little hose nearby when poor Harley arrives in the ogre’s den. Bill thinks if he sprays some water on Beanie while Beanie makes eye contact with Harley before he charges him, that that will save Harley.

The idea that we will save Harley from the pound and give him a beautiful home. And that Beanie will have the total joy of having a brother, someone to comfort him when thunder scares him, someone to keep him company when we go out and he is alone, and someone to play in the yard with and rush to the fence and bark with. The whole idea behind all of this is total joy for Beanie and total joy for Harley.

But the obstacle to this vision of joy, is what will happen when we bring Harley home. I’m not so worried about Harley having to put up with Beanie, the dictator and the tyrant. Because I saw how beautifully Lulu finessed it. She simply ignored nutcase Beanie. And got everything she wanted. And what she liked very much was lots and lots of delicious treats of every possible kind. Which of course she got. She could care less if Beanie gobbled up his food and then pushed her out of the way to gobble up her food. Because she knew, in that sublime way basset hounds have of knowing, that the whole universe is devoted to their happiness. She merely has to stand and wait, and plate of delicious food will be set before her, far more delicious and far more of it, than what Beanie just gobbled up. And it was true, that is always what happened. And when I served her her dainties (my Lulu had a sweet tooth, she liked cookies from the bakery, she liked candy) Beanie would rush in and push her out of the way. But when he saw what it was, he would leave, he doesn’t like sweets, so she would happily eat all her treats. She wound up with more of everything she loves when Beanie was here, not less, which is just what will happen with Harley.

I just hope that Harley doesn’t mind being totally bossed around by Beanie. Lulu didn’t mind it.

O well I guess the trick is to look at the big picture. Harley needs a home, and we want to give Harley a wonderful home. Beanie does need a brother. Cool weather will come eventually, we have a huge big great yard, the two lads can have a ball in it. It will be so nice for Beanie to have a playmate. He loves to play, and is banned from the dog runs for misbehavior.

O the little birdie is swinging on the slender branch. I didn’t know birds love to swing.

It’s amazing how much the sparrows enjoy the tree out my window. They love hopping from branch to branch, I guess it is like a monkey-bars for them. My whole yard is huge playground for the birds.

Love, Anne

"Annie Get Your Gun"

Tucson painting by Felix Pasilis

7:20 AM, Tuesday, July 29, 2008
“Annie Get Your Gun”

Well this evening, at 6 pm at Cody’s steak house, is our first meeting of the liberty caucus. This means all the Ron Paul PCs plus all the other Ron Paul people, to have our first strategy session. Our goal is to take over the Republican Party and make it a party for liberty, for peace. This meeting was planned a month ago and I have been planning all month to go to it. But yesterday evening I realized I can’t go. LOL there is a scheduling conflict.

Bill has been going to movies all year at the dollar theater. And at first, when he loved a movie and wanted to share it with me so he could have someone to talk about it with, I would go with him. He would see it for a second time and take me. And I actually broke out of my routine and went to 4 movies with him that first month. Two of which I loved, one was pleasant but forgettable, and one I found peculiar. And then I never went back to the movies with him.

So when he saw a great movie he thought Jim would love he tried to take Jim to the movies with him. Whether Jim actually thought he would go when Bill first asked him and then changed his mind, or because it is hard to say “no” to a friend when they invite you to something, I don’t know. (I am just like Jim, I can’t say “no” when someone invites me to something even if I don’t want to go, I like to stay home. Like Jim, I think it is unkind to say no. And Bill has done so many favors for Jim, it is impossible for Jim to say no to him. But I see now, it is kinder to say no than to hang someone up like that.)

So for a whole year, week after week, Jim would say yes, he will go to movie with Bill on Tuesday when it is a dollar (it is 3 dollars the rest of the week). And it has been a whole year of Bill planning and looking forward to sharing a favorite movie with Jim. And Jim, when I called the night before to find out if he is actually going to go, Jim saying no. He always has a reason. I knew Jim wasn’t going because he prefers to stay home and watch TV, so I always made it easy for him to say no. But last evening when Jim called, I slipped up.

It was because 3 things were happening at once. He said “are you going to your Ron Paul meeting at Cody’s steak house tomorrow?” I said “Jim, I don’t know what to do. Bill has been trying to get someone to go to the movies with him for a year. I won’t go, I prefer to stay home and watch TV. You don’t like to go to the movies. And Bill has a date to see a movie with Alice tomorrow.” Jim instantly said “I love going to the movies.” I said “O, are you going to see ‘Iron Man’ with Bill tomorrow?”

Jim had told Bill he wanted to see “Iron Man” with him on Tuesday. So the plan had been Bill and Jim would see “Iron Man” at 3 pm. Then he would meet Alice in the lobby right afterwards and treat her to “The Fall” the art movie Bill saw few nights ago which he loved loved loved.

Jim had already completely forgotten he had promised to see “Iron Man” with Bill. He always forgets he promised to go to the movies with Bill. Bill is excited about it and plans about it all week, saying how much Jim will love the movie and the parts Jim will like best, and why it is Jim’s type of movie. But when I call up the evening before, Jim has forgotten all about the movie date and always has a reason why he can't go.

I was so focused on “how can I go to the meeting at Cody’s,” and my huge joy that Alice was actually going to movie with Bill, he was so thrilled about it-- that when I remembered about Bill and Jim seeing “Iron Man” together first, I said “O Jim are you going to ‘Iron Man’ with him?” He said “I can’t afford it.” In the past whatever reason Jim gave, I knew it was cause he didn’t want to go. But I wasn’t thinking clearly. I said “it is just a dollar and Bill will treat you.” So Jim had to think of another reason. “But I will want popcorn and the popcorn is expensive.”

By then it clicked into place that Jim just didn’t want to go. Which was fine. Alice had already emailed that it was very sweet of Bill to offer to take her to the movies and she will meet him at 4:45 in the lobby. Bill was excited out of his mind. He kept saying to me, “it is an art film, and it is far more interesting than ‘Iron Man’ anyway. And Alice will love it, she is an artist. And she does film for Access TV Tucson, it is right up her alley.”

I was so happy Bill was happy. It had been a year of frustration, trying to find someone to go to the movies with him. He was so cute about it. “I am going out on a date” he said when I told him Alice emailed back yes she will go. “I am going out on a date with a girl” he said. “I have a date with a girlfriend.” Then because he remembered he was talking to his wife, he said “I have a date with a friend.” And Alice was actually touched Bill had invited her.

So you can see why when I remembered 10 minutes before Jim called last evening, that it was the same night and the same time as my liberty Ron Paul meeting at Cody’s restaurant, I knew I would give up my meeting. Because neither Bill nor I would want to leave our dog Beanie alone for 4 hours in the evening. It is still too soon after our dog Lulu went to Heaven. Beanie is not used to being all alone in the house.

It is OK when Bill and I go swimming and shopping in the morning, since Beanie is up all night, that is when he goes under Bill’s bed and has his real sleep. But I’m not ready yet to leave him alone in the house for a whole evening, when he is so wide awake, and he is used to watching “Beverly Hillbillies” with me or “Andy Griffith,” or lying on my toes while I am at the computer. He is used to being doted on, and having love and companionship. If I went to the meeting by myself and Bill was home, he would just hang out with Bill, sit next to him while Bill did his Sumi drawings at the art table, go in with him while Bill watched a game on TV.

But it will be dark outside. There could be thunder, we are in monsoon season, or fireworks. Both of which scare Beanie, and both of which we get every evening.

Having his big sister Lulu gave him total security, plus companionship. I don’t know how Beanie feels about not having Lulu. And Bill and I never talk about our feelings about it either. I try not to think about it because each time I remember her last days, a big welling hurt arises up from my heart and takes over my mind. There’s nothing I can do but instantly snuggle into the warm heart of my Higher Self, and allow Her to envelop me with love, and switch my mind to treats, “would I like a soda? would I like a chocolate bar?” It doesn’t do me any good to dwell on my feelings. I can only hope time will work its magic, all wounds heal with time.

And I secretly wonder now if all our doting on Beanie now, both Bill and me doting on him, is one of the ways we are healing ourselves about Lulu. There is something about giving love which is very healing. It does seem the more love we give Beanie, and we have been giving him constant undivided love, that in fact Bill and I have been very happy during this month after losing Lulu. We have both managed to stay high and happy. Altho I bet Bill too has that same stabbing hurt I do when he remembers, and like me, tries to work himself out of it as fast as he can. I don’t know? We don’t confide this at all to each other. Amazingly and miraculously, all we are bringing to each other is our happiness, and of course our shared love for Beanie. We never mention Lulu’s name yet. No matter what topic we talk about, somehow it begins and ends with Beanie, Beanie always gets in there. It helps our heart, expressing our shared love for Beanie.

So you can see why, when I realized 10 minutes before Jim called last evening, that the meeting was same time Bill and Alice are going to the movies, I knew I wouldn’t go to the meeting. I wouldn’t leave Beanie alone for 4 hours. I wasn’t 100 percent sure when Jim called, I might have still been trying to strategize in my mind how to work it out.

Jim is very serious about me showing up at all the Ron Paul meetings, because I became a PC because of him. He changed his voter registration so he could sign my petition to run for PC (Precinct Committeeman) and vote for me. And he helped me get the signatures. And when I was thinking of not showing up that Saturday morning at Republican Headquarters for first meeting I was told about, of PCs in Republican Party in my District, Jim said “you have to go, that is why we elected you into Office.”

Jim doesn’t fully understand that only people in my District will have my name on the ballot in the Primary on September 2nd. And he has been campaigning for me at the Racquet Club, telling everyone to vote for me. He calls me up with glee and says “Sally says she will vote for you,” and wants to hear what I am doing about my campaign.

We had had a long talk on phone when I first got the notice about the strategy meeting at Cody’s steak house on July 29th.

Jim said “I know Cody’s, it’s by the Club, on the other side of Country Club Road on Fort Lowell Drive.”

I said “The email notice says because Cody serves alcohol, I will not be able to bring my gun into the restaurant.”

I found this such a riot. That the email notice which went out to all the Ron Paul people warned us we will have to hand in our guns before we enter the restaurant.

“LOL” I said, “I don’t have a gun, I have never even seen a gun. I have never even handled a gun. It would be such a trip for me to hand in my gun before I can set foot in the restaurant.”

“You can borrow mine,” Jim said helpfully.

“Well, maybe” I said. “I guess it would be an experience for me to hand in my gun.”

He said “But it is fully loaded and on fast action trigger. Be very careful. If you so much as breathe on it, it will go off.”

I said “I’m not borrowing your gun. It’s not worth it. I don’t want to accidentally shoot it just cause I handle it wrong.”

“I’ll drive you to the meeting” Jim said. “I’ll just go to the club for swim and steam bath, since it is around the corner.”

“I’ll only stay for an hour, you can take me home then.”

“No!” he said, “we did all this to get you elected, you have to stay for the whole meeting, it is an important meeting.”

“OK” I said, “then I’ll call Bill and have him take me home.”

So these were the plans Jim and I made on the phone 3 weeks ago about the meeting. Bill didn’t even know about the meeting. I don’t think Bill is vitally interested in me being part of the Ron Paul Liberty Caucus in Tucson and PC in the Republican Party in my district. But Jim is. In fact Jim still thinks we will succeed in getting Ron Paul on the ballot for President. “I'll vote for Obama” he told me “unless you succeed in getting Ron Paul on the ballot.” Ron Paul actually withdrew few weeks ago, but I don’t have the heart to tell Jim, since he thinks that is one of the things I will accomplish, making Ron Paul our President. And I certainly can understand why Jim is so gung-ho and determined that I show up at every possible meeting. He thinks it is all about making Ron Paul our President, and I would be too if it was about that.

But in fact the meeting of Republican PCs at the Republican Headquarters two Saturday mornings ago, was an experience of being in the belly of the beast. No one there was for Ron Paul or for liberty except me and Ted. The experience was daunting beyond belief. Jim’s idea that we all sat around to get Ron Paul President and liberty in Arizona and US is not what happened at all.

Actually that is the purpose of this strategy meeting this evening. It is just Ron Paul people for liberty and peace. But Ron Paul is no longer a candidate, altho I didn’t have the heart to tell Jim that. It was too dear to me to see that hope alive in Jim’s mind, it meant too much to me. There was a time when I believed heart and soul Ron Paul would be our President. And I still remember how glorious that was for me, to live in that hope and expectation. If Jim still has it, I won’t dash it.

So you can understand how peculiar my phone call with Jim was last evening. He called because his friend had given him a whole bunch of Mexican shrimp cocktail and he was offering some to me and Bill, he said it is too much for him to eat. It is Jim’s favorite food in the whole world, he used to drive to Mexico to order it. It is very inexpensive in the restaurant down there and they give you a lot.

It sounds delicious. Apparently they put in sliced cucumber and lots of other things, it sounds like a salad to me, shrimp cocktail salad. I was very grateful Jim wanted to share some with us, and said he would bring it over tomorrow morning. “It sounds delicious, Jim” I said, “thank you.”

From that we got into the movies.

I said “Bill and Alice are going to the movies together tomorrow. It is an art film. Bill is so happy.”

“I know” Jim said, “Alice told me at the club.”

“I’m not going” I said, “I don’t like going to the movies.”

“Alice thinks you are going to the movie too, she thinks it is Bill and you and her.”

I had no idea Alice thought I was going. In my email I said “Bill invited both of us, but I like to watch movies on tv at home with Beanie, and does Alice want to go.” But I can perfectly understand how, between Alice’s mind and Jim’s mind, this got turned into “Bill and Anne and Alice are all going to the movies together.”

Alice, I now understand from doing her astrology chart, and using that as lens to see her life, is always so busy, involved in everything taking place in Tucson art world, making so many things happen. Besides doing her show for Access TV every week, she has to film a show for that. Of course she would overlook the detail in my email that I’m not going to the movie, it is just her and Bill.

And Jim’s whole life is the trauma and drama of his car breaking down. For the past month it has broken down in traffic 3 times a week, we received so many SOS calls. “Can Bill come and pick me up, I am stranded and in midtown traffic. And I’m not going to wait around in the heat for tow truck to come for my car and take it to the garage, the tow truck can find it by itself.”

And then of course Bill had to take Jim to his bank when his car was at the shop. Jim has a credit card with bank that you pay no interest if you pay it by the deadline, but if it is one day late, it is 30 per cent interest. So naturally Jim wanted Bill to take him to the bank before it closed that last day. I don’t know why Jim’s life has this constant non-stop drama. Even when he finally rented a car (he couldn’t bear it all that time stranded at home) his cigar ash made a hole in the upholstery. And he called Bill to pick him up at the car upholsters shop on 22nd Street, so they could fix it before he turned in the rental car, else Jim would pay a fortune.

So I am not surprised that between Alice’s mind and Jim’s mind, the story is I am going to the movies too.

I said to him, “I had completely forgotten that tomorrow night is the night of the meeting at Cody’s Steak House at 6 pm. But I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to leave the dog alone.”

“That’s OK dogs don’t mind being left alone, I'll drive you to the meeting.”

“OK” I said, “then I’ll call Bill and he can pick me up.” And then we went back to talking about the shrimp cocktail and how Jim will bring it over this morning. And I thought what a great gift that is. And I thanked Jim for it with all my heart.

I wanted to tell Bill that Jim is not going to see “Iron Man” with him so he shouldn’t plan on that, and also about the shrimp cocktail, but he was outside reading. It had finally turned cool enough to be outside.

And then I took Beanie in for “Beverly Hillbillies.” But first I asked my Higher Self what I should do about tomorrow. And she said “You can’t go to the meeting, Bill will not want Beanie left alone for 4 hours at night, and I don’t want him to give up the movie with Alice, his happiness matters. This is just the first strategy meeting, there will be many more. It is OK to miss the first meeting, you can go to all the others. Just make sure next time you keep in mind what day it is, so you don’t make this mistake again.”

That conversation was helpful. Because before it I kept trying to figure out ways to work it out. How the movie date could happen, I could go to meeting, and cut down on time Beanie will be left alone. But it was so crystal clear what my Higher Self said: “No meeting! there will be many more! you stay home with Beanie!”

So when Bill came inside I told him all of it. “Jim won’t go to ‘Iron Man,’ he says the popcorn is too expensive, and tomorrow is my meeting but I’m not going, I don’t want to leave Beanie alone, I will go to all the other meetings. And Jim is bringing us delicious Mexican shrimp cocktail. His friend gave it to him and there is too much.”

So Bill said “Fine!” He was happy about everything. He said “if Jim doesn’t want to go to ‘Iron Man’ then I will go to ‘Kit Kittredge, An American Girl’ before I meet Alice for the art movie. I never saw that movie, so I will get to see a movie I never saw, which will be fun for me. I just hope it doesn’t make me sad. And it ends 1/2 hour before the movie I see with Alice, so I will have plenty of time to meet her.”

So that is all our plans for today. And why I won’t have to turn in my gun at the meeting of the Ron Paul liberty caucus first strategy session at Cody’s steak house on Fort Lowell and Country Club road this evening at 6 pm.

Epilogue (the next day)

Bill said Alice loved the movie, It was filmed all over the world, and Alice had lived in all those places. Part was filmed in Turkey and Alice had lived in Turkey. And Bill loved ‘Kit Kittredge, An American Girl.’ And it sounds like a movie I would love too. A girl living in Cincinnati during the Depression, and she wants to be a reporter. There is a big fat basset hound with a sign in front of her, “I am hungry. Please adopt me. My family can’t afford to feed me anymore. I need a home.” And it is the fattest basset hound in world, she looks like she never missed a meal, like she has 10 meals a day. And Kit adopts her. In fact movie ends, the happy ending, the last frame is Kit with her wonderful (fat) basset hound.

Now I understand why Bill was afraid to see the movie, afraid it would make him sad. Our Lulu is basset hound. We can’t even think about basset hounds now without stab of hurt. But I guess the basset hound in this movie did a miracle for Bill. Each time we would think “what would be the best second dog for Beanie?” my Higher Self would suggest another basset. I was willing to overcome my feelings, because I simply do whatever my Higher Self said. But I sure understood it when Bill said “no.” “Because of Lulu?” I whispered. “Yes” he said. But after this movie he came home and said, “the perfect dog for Beanie is a basset hound. I watched her fat happy face all thru the movie. A basset is so gentle and docile, she won’t care that Beanie bosses her around. She will just be so happy to be fed all her treats.” Maybe I should go see this movie too. It would help me also to be able to see a basset hound without wincing. To just be happy loving the wonderful basset. To remember the sublime joy bassets bring.

LOL Bill said ‘Kit Kittredge’ is a children’s movie, he sat in a movie theater filled with parents taking their children to it. I guess Kit is a young girl, still living with her family.

I take Alice out for lunch on her birthday

Dove and Hawk by Layla Edwards
Tuesday, July 22, 2008, 5:50 am

Well Helen is in New York, her big brother Eddie is in New York. Helen’s mom had 8 brothers and sisters, and the cousins’ reunion is taking place in New York now. Helen must have a zillion cousins. And they are flying in from all over the country for the cousins’ reunion, their children and grandchildren too.

It was Helen’s idea and she organized it, and she finessed it too. It required a lot of finessing because not everyone wanted to go. When a California cousin said “I’m not going!” it had ripple effect. Helen’s sister and her cousin Margot said “if she’s not coming, then neither am I!” It rippled out to half the reunion. So Helen had to beg and to join with two other cousins to offer to pay the airplane ticket. So she’s coming and that brought back the whole ripple effect.

As far as I could make out from Helen’s hurried phone call about this yesterday, as she was on her way to Wal-Mart to buy an electric toothbrush for the trip. It is 7 dollars at Wal-Mart and 90 dollars everywhere else. Helen was still in Maui yesterday, she flies to New York City today. The conversation ended when she reached Wal-Mart, so she must have called me as she was driving there. Everyone is coming except the cousin who lives in Minnesota. Helen is heartbroken about this. “I have not seen her in 40 years” she wailed. Helen wants to see her and meet her children and grandchildren, and said “maybe she can make a video of her family and send it to us so we can play it at the reunion.” There are also the cousins who are too depressed to go, Helen mentioned two of them, the two depressed cousins, but maybe they are showing up, I am not clear on that.

It certainly sounds like a huge event, my mind boggled just hearing about it. I can’t imagine flying all the way across the country and going to a family reunion. To me it all sounds as amazing, as dramatic, as exciting as going to Mars, it seems like a totally earthshaking thing to do.

I considered it an amazing experience in my life when I took Alice out for her birthday few days ago. That is why it seems so gargantuan what Helen is doing. Because just taking Alice to Village Inn on her birthday on Saturday, 3 days ago, was earthshaking event in my life.

Alice had really wanted me to do her astrology chart and the charts of her two sons, ever since she found out I could do that. And even tho I did try to figure out how I could do it, at that time I didn’t know if my printer was working, so it would mean her coming here, and us looking at computer together. Or doing it on phone while we both looked at the horoscopes up on the computer. When I was on a New Age site briefly last summer, someone posted “here is the link to a free astrology chart site.” So it only took 5 minutes for me to get all 3 charts up on my machine, and I did send the links to Alice. But the meaning of a chart is in its interpretation and Alice wanted that, and that is a big deal.

And so I just put it off until Alice generously got Bill in the art show about 6 weeks ago. I was ecstatic about that! Bill was ecstatic about that! It was such an incredibly huge favor! She had simply casually generously spontaneously offered it. When I wrote back my amazed happiness and amazed gratitude to her and said “if ever there is any favor I can do for you Alice, just ask, I will be overjoyed to do it.” And she said she wants the 3 astrology charts and I emailed back “of course!” Now I really wanted to do it, I wanted to make Alice happy in anyway I could.

And Friday, when I realized Alice must be back from Mexico (she had gone for two weeks, she has a farm there from when she had lived there for 20 years, and one of her sons is living on the farm now). I wrote “Welcome back Alice! Did you have a nice time?” And she wrote about the early birthday party her son had thrown for her in Mexico. And I remembered Alice’s birthday would be right about now. I emailed back “When is your birthday? Is it today or tomorrow or the next day?” I planned I would send her a very nice email card on her birthday. And she emailed back “it is tomorrow, want to get together for it?” And I realized the time is now! I emailed back “let’s do your astrology charts on your birthday, I will take you to Village Inn.” And Alice emailed back “great.” She was happy about it.

And so I planned it all out with my Higher Self, she had good suggestions. She suggested Village Inn, because it is a family restaurant, it is very close by, it is air conditioned, it is very comfortable, we can sit in a booth next to each other, and we can spend all afternoon there. She said Alice may want a drink on her birthday (Village Inn has no alcohol), but she said it is better for her to be clear-minded, astrology takes concentration and focus. And she reminded me that Bruce always went to Village Inn for crepes suzettes and maybe Alice would like that.

And Alice emailed back great, great, great, to all. The morning before her birthday, while the plumber was working on trying to get the bathtub to drain (that story did not have a good ending, he said the tree roots are growing into the pipes, that is why it won’t drain, the roots are clogging it, and to get the roots out of it I would have to take out the bathtub, break up the floor, then put the bathtub back, and then put the floor back, and it costs $4000. So I decided I would just shower in Bill’s shower, I am going to let the bathtub go)-- But while the plumber was here finding out what the problem was, and Bill was sitting outside with Beanie, so Beanie would not be in plumber’s way, I crossed my fingers and tried to put in the inkjet myself in printer. Usually Bill does that for me. And I did it! And I figured out how to print all 3 charts for Alice. Actually that was when all systems were on go. That is when I emailed Alice “I printed up the charts!” And said “pick me up at 2:30 on Saturday, we will be back from swimming then, Village Inn is just 2 miles away, we will go there, and I will do it, and I will treat you to lunch.” And I wrote out the directions to my house and my phone number.

And after I calmed down from the plumber drama, I remembered the beautiful red bathing suit I bought last month which is 2 sizes too small. So I emailed Alice “what size suit do you wear?” And Alice emailed back the two sizes she wears, the suit is the bigger size. So I said “I have pretty red suit maybe it will fit.” And the white linen skirt, simple but nice, is also Alice’s size, two sizes too small for me. I don’t know what had possessed me to buy them. But I had desperately needed a treat, it was dark time in my life, and the discount store didn’t have anything in my size, just these pretty items 2 sizes too small. So I had thought “maybe I can stretch them and make them fit.”

But they were still in the bag, and it was Alice’s birthday, and it is size she wears. I was getting very excited about Alice’s birthday party. On the way home from the pool, the day of Alice’s birthday, I did have Bill stop at Ross again to see if they had the red suit in exactly her size. But they had trillion beautiful bathing suits last month and none on Saturday. I was very lucky to have that beautiful red one for Alice at home. And it is a knock-out, one of those dream bathing suits. A beautiful red and a beautiful design.

And when we got home I decided I would give Alice Eat, Pray, Love too. Margot gave me that book as gift and I loved it, and I thought Alice might like it too. I was getting together a little bag of her presents, the red bathing suit, the white linen skirt, the book Eat, Pray, Love.

And of course the astrology charts in a manila envelope. And extra paper and pens for Alice to take notes if she wanted to.

And when Alice arrived I invited her in. I knew Bill would want to see her. She sat at the big table and when she said she was thirsty, she chose iced limeade in tall glass. And when she got out her tobacco to roll a cigarette, I brought in my pack of cigarettes. And said “let me give you a carton of cigarettes for your birthday, I get them on the internet, they are so inexpensive.” So I added a carton of cigarettes to her birthday package. I was sailing in bliss because I thought "these are all great birthday presents." And when Alice arrived, I saw the suit and skirt would fit her perfect, they are Alice’s size.

And I showed her some of Bill’s paintings up on the walls of the house. Bill didn’t want me to bring Alice into my bedroom and computer room because of such a mess. But he had cleaned the rest of the house beautiful few days before, and I thought Alice could handle the such-a-mess in my 2 rooms. And it was interesting the paintings she loved. And when she got back to the table she said “we,” referring to her and Bill as artists. Which is nice. Alice has been in art shows all over the world, and Bill has just been in Dahlia’s show, the one Alice arranged for him to be in with her. And it is first time Alice saw any of his work, other than the 4 paintings in Dahlia’s show.

And then I noticed Beanie would not leave Alice alone. He had his nose by her legs wherever she went, so softly, gently, like kissing her. And when she sat down to smoke her cigarette, drink her iced limeade, and chat with Bill, Beanie went right under her legs. He was completely smitten with Alice.

And my heart soared up with joy. Dogs love visitors, but I am not in the era of visitors. 18 months ago Jim came to watch Superbowl with Bill, so Beanie had a visitor then, he loved Jim. And Saturday was his second visitor, Alice, and he gave his heart to Alice, he would not be away from her. O Margot, that’s right, when we first got Beanie, Margot was in the yard with him, and she petted him, and Beanie wanted those pets to go on forever. It was a big love affair, Beanie loved Margot. That was a long time ago tho.

This was Saturday, I watched him spend every instant trying to be close to Alice. She wasn’t aware of him. She wasn’t aware of what he was doing until I pointed it out, and Alice said how she loves dogs. It’s interesting that Beanie’s love for Alice did not spring from her giving him any attention. He was content to just love and be close to her. It was truly a beautiful and wondrous thing for me to behold.

Alice decided she would order the crepes suzettes when I told her that is what Bruce always had there, altho I don’t know if either of us knew what it was. And my Higher Self had told me “give the waitress 5 dollars when you first arrive, because you will be there long time, so no one else can sit at that table, and we don’t want her to lose money on tips.”

And when we arrived I said to the guy who seats you and hands you the menu, “it is Alice’s birthday and I’m going to do her chart,” and he brought us right to very nice table in booth. And when the waitress arrived, I explained it all to her, and gave her the five dollars. And she was an angel. And we both ordered iced tea and Alice ordered her crepes. And my Higher Self said “let her eat her food first, so she can enjoy it, then do the charts.” And Alice loved it.

And then I took out the charts and moved over to sit next to her. I was incredibly rusty at doing charts. I did one for Jan two years ago, one for Harry 8 years ago, and I would talk about astrology with Nicole about 14 years ago. And I only thought about astrology extremely occasionally over past 10 years. It was something I used to always think about, I was always studying it in my mind. Till I read A Course In Miracles and I began to think about other things all the time instead. About God and Heaven and perception, and how the mind works.

That is why I was so insecure. I wasn’t close to astrology in my mind, I had been away from it. Plus I had already had momentous day before we even got to the chart. Alice had been a guest in our house and we never have visitors, it was thrilling for all of us. We had date in restaurant and ordered something to eat, and I never go out with girlfriends to restaurants anymore. A lot had already happened in my life where nothing ever happens in.

But I did my best, which is what I promised Alice I would do. I was a little frustrated because I am used to interpreting charts I draw up myself, and I had a very hard time reading and understanding the chart the computer made. But luckily Alice recognized the symbols for the Signs, and saw where they began, she was very helpful.

I would say I gave a terrible reading, because at no point was my mind crystal clear, I was not on all 8 cylinders. For me it was like driving a car which is riding rough, the motor acting up, and swerving all over the place. But maybe it was the right reading for Alice. Because when I gave her the information, and was going to try to crystal clearly put it together, to give its meaning, and my mind drew a blank, Alice supplied it. Given the facts, she was able to put it together and see what it meant for herself, and in her own language. Some words mean a lot to me, some words mean a lot to Alice, and so she used her words, and that was good.

When I wanted a cigarette break-- I had purposely put a pack of cigs in my purse and two lighters, so I could walk outside for a cigarette, I couldn’t find my pack of cigs. But luckily I had given Alice a carton of cigs for her birthday. So she gave me her keys, I went to the car, and took out a pack of cigs.

It was long reading because of doing Alice’s two sons too. And she told me all about her sons as we were doing it, what they were like as children, what they are doing now, what they are like now. But luckily, the more my mind started to sputter and malfunction, the clearer Alice got. Lucky for me, it turns out she has real talent for astrology. It was very much a joint effort. And when I got out my chart to show her the contrast, to explain something to her, she looked at the shape of my chart and said “Look! It looks like pyramids, you have 5 pyramids here, you are involved in 5 different things.” Which seemed so interesting to me because it is true and I never thought about it. It was an interesting way to see and understand my life.

Alice is a very talented astrologer, maybe even more talented than me. She has genius. She just didn’t have the knowledge about astrology, what the Planets and Houses and Signs mean. But as soon as I gave her the information, she did a great job putting it together in her chart and her sons’ charts. The girl could be a great astrologer if she wanted to study the science.

For our second cigarette break, we went out together to have cigs. And she said “what about all the awful things which have happened in my life?” and she said about them. Alice’s conversation used to always be about all the awful things which had happened. I said “It’s just not in your chart Alice, there are no difficulties at all in your chart. Of course you do have Leo Rising, and Leo loves to dramatize things. Maybe you just wanted to add a lot of drama to your life, to make it more interesting.”

The interesting thing is, when we first sat down and I got out her chart and looked at it, I had never seen a chart like that. Nearly every planet is in her 10th House which is career or position in the world. And the very few planets which are not in that House are in the Houses right next to it. I said “Alice I hope you will take this the right way” and she made that scared face, “but this is the chart of a big-shot, you are a big-shot.” I didn’t mean to scare Alice, I guess that is my humor, I like to tease. I knew something good was coming, not bad, when I said “I hope you take this the right way.” I didn’t realize she would respond with so much alarm.

And it is true it is the chart of a big-shot, of a very important person. And it actually does explain Alice’s life. She has no ego, no self-importance at all, so it doesn’t appear on the surface in any way. She leads a totally humble life, she is totally humble. But it explains why she has her finger in everything and makes everything happen, and her prodigious talent in the world of making things happen, in the world itself. To give contrast, I didn’t say this to Alice, but that same House, the House of the world, I have Neptune in it, which dissolves it. I have zero activity on the world stage. I am just not out in the world at all. But Alice is, the world is her whole life. She has more planets in that House and bigger planets than Einstein. Her House of career is major.

But of course she is a humanitarian and idealist first, last, and always. I saw that in her chart, which begins off with the planet Uranus. “Your passion is for truth, Alice” I said, “you begin off with passion for truth, and Uranus is totally humanitarian.” It was Alice who supplied that word and attribute. When I showed Alice how her chart starts off with Uranus in the 9th House, I recognized the passion for truth (Uranus is my ruling planet), but Alice recognized the humanitarian.

And then we both went to the ladies room together, which seemed like a very intimate thing to do with your friend. And we did a little more astrology till my mind stopped working totally and Alice looked a little tired too. And I think Alice liked the reading. I thought it was the worst reading I had ever done in my life. But when I was paying the check (it was such a bargain! can you imagine only 8 dollars for all of that!) she told the girl I had explained astrology to her, she seemed pleased.

And I think Alice was very pleased. Some friend of hers had once said something about her astrology and told her 3 terrible things. I don’t think Alice really had an idea what an astrology reading really meant, or one by me anyway.

And of course on this day of happy miracles on Alice’s wonderful birthday day, it turned out the bathing suit fits like a glove, she loves it, and her old bathing suit is completely worn thru, she needs suit anyway. And the skirt fits perfectly, and who does not want a pretty simple white linen skirt in hot desert summer. And I think it all had a transforming effect on Alice too. Her stories became happier and happier, she recalled good things, happy things. And I think it satiated her all the attention. Alice likes to express and has so much to express. That was the one thing my Higher Self told me before I went to do the reading-- about Alice’s chart-- she said “it is good for Alice to talk a lot.”

I had noticed it myself two days before Alice’s birthday, at the very end of this Sign we have been in. For the whole Sign, I talked so little and had so little urge to talk. And then suddenly there was an explosion, as if all the not-talking I had done, just wanted to be released. I couldn’t stop it. There was just such tremendous urge for talking and communication, after not having it for so long. And Alice is born right in the middle of that 3 day explosion. I understood why Alice likes to talk a lot, and why my Higher Self said she needs to talk a lot. She has Sun and Moon in that Sign, she has to have that release. It is the whole Sign releasing itself.

I think it was very good for Alice to get a chance to talk to her heart’s content at our birthday party. Plus to have all focused attention on her. Because she bloomed under both. Right before my eyes I saw her bloom. I saw her happiness bloom, her contentment bloom, her loving beautiful being bloom. “You need to talk a lot,” was the first thing I said to Alice when I looked at her chart, per my Higher Self’s instructions, and she lit up. “But everyone moves away from me when I talk, they say I talk too much and leave the room.” “You need to talk a lot, Alice, it is good for you” I said.

And it’s very interesting how it all worked out. Last night I was bored to tears with the TV. I had tried watching it all day, and other than “The Housewives of Orange County” marathon, I was so bored I was going out of my mind. And finally my Higher Self said “well let’s talk, we’ll talk about something which interests you, so you can have something interesting.”

And to my amazement my Higher Self did my chart. And it was a brilliant reading. All the brilliance I had wanted to offer Alice, and which was totally not there at all, was in my Higher Self’s reading of my chart.

She said things which were so interesting and informative, I wished I had known it to tell Alice, I learned so much. She said the 10th House, which is where all of Alice’s planets are, and where I just have Neptune-- I had pointed out to Alice her chart begins with Uranus in her 9th House and ends with Neptune in her 12th, she begins with passion for truth and winds up with divine love. My Higher Self told me “The 10th House is actually your mission in life. And you having Neptune there, doesn’t dissolve the 10th House, it just means divine love is your mission in life.” And she said “Pluto in Gemini in 8th House-- Pluto, the planet of transformation, in Gemini the Sign of the writer, in Pluto’s own House of Transformation-- means your writing is about transformation.”

It was so interesting having such a brilliant interesting illuminating interpretation of my chart. It was such a gift to me, that I thought “it really is true what the New Age teaches, what spirituality teaches, giving to another is how you give to yourself.” I don’t know how to put this into words, but suddenly it hit me: As the day follows night, that when I went all-out to give the best astrology reading I could for Alice, it was inevitable a great reading would be done for me. That it has to happen, that this is how universal law works.

And of course my biggest joy in all of this is the success of the red bathing suit, how much Alice loves it. And how happy Alice is. Her phone call and email put me in bliss. There is no joy like seeing Alice happy. She is the most generous girl on the planet, she deserves this happiness....

Postscript,

And when I saw Patsy in the pool yesterday and was swimming in the lane next to her, when she said “how are you Anne?” I said “I have bad news and good news. The bad news is the plumber said he would have to take out the bathtub and break up the cement floor. It will cost $4000. I’m not doing it, I will shower in Bill’s shower. The good news is I took Alice out for her birthday and I had a glorious time.” And I told her the whole story and she was so happy for me.

I skipped over about the astrology reading but expressed all my joy about the miracle the ravishing red bathing suit fit Alice to a T.

"My Week-end" (cooler broke, I wrote about women's lib, and I went to GOP meeting)

Tucson painting by Felix Pasilis
“My weekend” (cooler broke, I wrote about women’s lib, and went to Republican Party meeting of PCs)

Tuesday early morning 7/15/08

I feel like so much has happened. The evaporative cooler in the west side of the house broke down on Thursday night. And it wasn’t till 11 am yesterday (Monday) that the repairman fixed it. So today marks the first morning I woke up when all is back to normal. I feel like they were 4 days of obsession. Beside the house being so hot without cooler, for some reason both Bill and I became obsessed.

He went right up on the roof himself on Friday morning to see if he could fix it himself, or if we had to call repairman. And even after he was not able to fix it and I did call the repairman and he said earliest time he could get to me was mid-morning Monday, Bill still did spend the 3 days up on roof trying to fix it.

The ostensible reason was so we could have relief in the house while waiting for repairman. But the truth was it was just a challenge he wanted to win. Bill is a great technician himself, and he simply wouldn’t believe he could not fix it. So for 3 days he was either up on roof trying to fix it, or thinking about how to fix it, or telling me all about it. It was the only thing in his mind.

When Bill is the technician I am drafted into assistant-to-the-technician. Which means orders are screamed at me from the roof. “Turn to pump only! SHUT IT OFF! Turn to low cool! SHUT IT OFF! Turn the circuit breaker back on!” I am constantly hopping around doing things.

I have no criticism whatsoever of Bill spending the 3 and a half days in obsession with fixing the cooler, because I spent the same time in obsession too. Perhaps this is how we each dealt with the fact that the cooler was not working and house was too hot in summer desert heat. On Thursday morning I wrote my first chapter about what women’s liberation was like back then. Then Friday morning a second chapter. Saturday morning a third chapter. And then all day Sunday trying to fix all the typos in it, so it would be done, and I could put my mind somewhere else.

Sunday was one of the strangest days in my whole life. I just sat here ignoring how hot house was, and I tried to face what I had written and to meticulously deal with all the typos. It was a ton of work. And my mind was completely back in women’s liberation. This went on till about 9 at night. All the time this was going on, Bill was on roof barking at me. “TURN IT ON! TURN IT OFF! Turn the circuit breaker back on!” And when he would finally come down from the roof, he would be saying non-stop to me his ideas about the cooler. And I would listen with one ear and continue fixing typos with the other ear.

We both took a rest from our obsession Sunday afternoon, when we went swimming and Bill went to movies and I watched TV. But instant he got home we each went back to our obsession. I was determined to keep going and finish it up. And when Bill was at movie theater, he remembered home insurance won’t pay for it if he had worked on it himself. So as soon as he got home, he had to go right back up on the roof and put everything back exactly as it was, and try to make it undetectable he had spent 3 days working on it. And then he spent 4 hours talking about it to me, as I was finishing up fixing the typos and trying to write a little preface to it.

We were both in complete obsession. Which is maybe OK. How else would we have gotten thru 4 days and 4 nights with no cooling in the house. LOL we both needed an activity which consumed us and took our minds off it.

Right in the middle of it, Saturday morning, I went to my very first meeting of the PCs (precinct committeemen) of the Republican Party in my District. And I had no idea beforehand this would mean walking into the lion’s den. I have no idea what I thought it would be like beforehand. But everyone there but me (altho I found out later Ted had been there, but he hadn’t said anything), so everyone there but Ted and me, and since I didn’t know he was there I thought I was alone, was establishment GOP. These were all office holders in the Republican Party. It was a totally awful experience in every way. And I got very upset during it, and I was very upset after it. And it wasn’t till we got back from swimming that I finally got over it. Hahaha I had no idea I had been completely happy during our 4 days of total obsession and no cooling, until I lost all my happiness at the meeting of the Republican office holders. And I was extremely happy to get back my happiness 3 hours after it was over. I never want to go thru that experience again.

At first naturally I wanted to rebel and never go back. But I guess I am far more committed to the Ron Paul revolution than I realized. And right now the Ron Paul revolution means taking over the Republican Party. Which now that I have been there, seems like an impossible task. But I am still willing to do it. So the way I will never have this experience again, is when I show up at the meeting each month with the other Republican office holders of my district, I will go completely differently. This time I know what it is like.

I will keep my mouth shut from now on. So I don’t have the experience of letting them all know who I am and what I want, which resulted in them all hating me. And I will already know who they are and what they want, which resulted in me hating all of them. I will keep my mouth shut, so I won’t experience that wave of hostility towards me. And now that I know who they are and what they want, it won’t hit me with an awful shock, and upset me so much. I will just stay very close to my Higher Self, and remain close to her mind of love and peace. I assumed I got so upset because they all hated me, but I realize now what knocked me off balance, was that I got mad at them. I can be detached from however they view me, but I will get thrown for a loop if I get mad at them.

Plus I won’t attract all their hostility if I keep my mouth shut. If I show up every month and keep my mind in place of peace and love, and keep my mouth shut, then they will eventually just get used to my physical presence there and ignore me. And I will learn a great deal.

What I learned at this first meeting was anathema to me. But if I take all the emotions out of the picture, just simply leave it as the awful ideas they believe and the awful laws they want to pass, then all it means is why we are doing this revolution in the first place. Obviously I had to see all the full awfulness up close and personal, to actually meet the people and the minds behind it. Things are the way they are because of them, these are the authors of it.

Now that it is 3 days later and all my emotions have cooled down, I can see how it made everything crystal clear to me. Why we must have this revolution, and what we are up against. It was an absolutely necessary learning experience, I see now. I had to know all this, and this was the only way to learn it (as unpleasant as it was). Ted told me on the phone that Lisa, I don’t know who she is, I never met her, had the identical experience as me. She went to 3 meetings and hated them all so much, and hated what they stood for so much, she dropped out of being PC, she couldn’t stand it. And believe me I fully understand why. Which is fine for Lisa, she doesn’t have her Higher Self to help her get thru those meetings but I do. And next time I will stay very close to my Higher Self.

And of course Ted is a good example for me. What fortitude he must have! He has been going for a whole year and is determined not to miss a single meeting. “I never knew a thing about Party politics,” Ted said, “now I am learning everything.” He considers it an invaluable learning experience. Which is the new attitude I want.

Right now I see no way we can accomplish anything in a short period of time. There are 3 of us in my District and 40 of them. And it is probably the same in all the Districts in Arizona. And the election for new PCs is only once a year. We can’t add to our numbers till a whole year goes past.

Nobody else in the Ron Paul Revolution is disturbed by the fact that this is a long haul, and would take 10 years to accomplish, 10 years for Ron Paul liberty-lovers to totally take over the Republican Party. But I believe heart and soul that the Mass Awakening on our planet will occur in two years. Which will mean everyone’s mind is lifted above the fear mind, we will all be in our higher mind.

These people in the Republican Party are good people. The problem is they let their fear do all their thinking for them. This is what keeps their mind in prison, and motivates their desire to imprison everyone else. So if Mass Liberation will occur in two years, it is unclear to me why I should be working so hard for something which would take ten years to accomplish, were there no Mass Liberation.

But maybe I am looking at this wrong. After all two years is a very long time. And if I take my mind off goal, and focus it in process instead, then how do I know how fruitful the process will be over next two years. Plus after all it is an adventure. Hahaha yes I had an awful experience on Saturday morning, but it was a new experience, and how do I know where this adventure will lead. And I did do the paperwork and get the signatures. I am now on the ballot in the Primary in September. And because I am running unopposed, I am now an office holder in the Republican Party myself. I am precinct committeeman in my district. I did something!

Photos from my brother's kayak trip last week


...at low tide we saw colonies of purple starfish.

we hiked a trail which led us to this lake...

“It rained all night”

Tucson painting by Felix Pasilis
6:13 am, Sunday morning, July 6, 2008
“It rained all night”

It’s Sunday of July 4th weekend and already it feels as if July 4th never happened. I had big swim yesterday. O it was so nice having such long swim to make up for pools closed on July 4th. Altho water was warm, for first time there was not a drop of cool water in it. But so what! It was still so nice to swim and shower afterwards. And then I had to be taken for a treat. All my shoppings have been grocery shoppings since end of March. I don’t know why I wanted a treat so badly but I did. I wanted a pretty new skirt. Ross Outlet store opened up one of their stores in shopping center near pool. I had never had luck at Ross Outlet until 2 years ago, they had spectacularly pretty skirt. It was too small for me but I bought it anyway and forced it to fit. Since it is the only clothes store between my house and pool, I asked Bill to take me there.

Yes they had some nice stuff at some good prices, but none of it was in my size. It was two sizes too small for me. But I was so desperate for treats, I bought it anyway. A red bathing suit, a white linen skirt, and cotton sundress with beige and brown flowers on it. I told her “they are two sizes too small, and can I return them if they don’t fit?” And she said “yes,” so I paid for them on my Credit Card.

Then because we are out of bread, we went to Sunflower market for me just to buy bread. I had done huge shopping there two days ago. But of course I didn’t just buy bread, I did a medium shopping anyway. I really don’t know about this. Never in my whole life have I grocery shopped as much as I have been during this past year. All my money goes for food. It is something I don’t understand at all, why I am in midst of such huge involvement with grocery shopping. And the amazing thing is it all does get eaten. I wouldn’t beat myself up on the way home from each huge shopping, if I did believe it would all get eaten. But I never have confidence in myself. I always think I must have made lotsa mistakes. It always seems like I bought way too much food and spent way too much money. And always to my surprise it does get eaten. A surprisingly small percent gets thrown out for the birds. I really don’t understand any of this. I feel like an acrobat in the circus on the high wire without a net. I don’t understand why I am doing such huge shoppings, why I am spending so much money on food, and how it does all get eaten in end, I mean how it does work out. It is so peculiar all the suspense and drama this is bringing into my life.

On the other hand, the world of restaurants and eating out, has totally disappeared from my life. I got an email notice that the first meeting of the Ron Paul Liberty Caucus will be held at Cody’s steakhouse on July 29th, to show up at 6 PM for dinner, and then we will have meeting afterwards, in a meeting room the restaurant provides. And I realized I didn’t have desire to eat dinner at Cody’s. Usually I am so excited at idea of eating in restaurant and I have never been to Cody’s. But instead I thought I guess I can have a cup of coffee while everyone eats. I simply don’t understand why I like to eat at home now. How it is I got to like my own food. The whole thing seems to be a package deal, I do huge grocery shoppings all the time, I spend fortune on food, and I like eating at home now, and the desire to eat in restaurant has dropped out of my life. I switched over to thinking the food in my own house is delicious.

Well it must have rained all night because all the trees and bushes in my yards look like they are in heaven. Some of them are twice the size. They look so absolutely refreshed and happy. They bathed and drank, and bathed and drank, and bathed and drank all night long. Their roots are all in soft wet soggy soil, so happy. They are all so deliriously happy. It is an utter transformation. They all look like they are in a wet forest somewhere, where water is always part of their life, as if they have totally forgotten desert hell. It is a very sweet sight to see. And the morning itself looks like a morning after it rained all night. Damp wet clouds all over the sky, grey misty morning, green leaves on tree so happy, so relaxed, so satiated, so big and cool and refreshed, and in joy.

There was big thunder all evening and Beanie had an awful time. But “My Cousin Vinny” came on tv. I had never seen it, it was so much fun.

It’s the oddest thing. It’s like the top of my head is a complete mess. I don’t know whether I’m coming or going? If I’m up or down? I don’t know where I’m at or what I am doing? But underneath all the heap of messiness at top of my head, every once in a while it occurs to me I am happy, it’s like a bubble of happiness which comes from way below, which makes it to the top. I am blitzed by the weather and July 4th weekend. But underneath all that blitz, happiness must be happening, because occasionally a bubble makes it to the top, and to my surprise I recognize it as happiness. “I am happy” I think “where did that come from?” It came out of nowhere.

So maybe I shouldn’t mind it that I am blitzed out of my mind by the weather. And just keep slogging thru my days, one foot in front of the other. Because who knows, maybe the big mist in my mind will clear, and underneath is a happy girl. Hahaha maybe it is no big deal to be a complete mess.

"I Spent July 4th watching I Love Lucy"

Tucson painting by Felix Pasilis
July 5th, 2008, 6:03 am
"I Spent July 4th watching I Love Lucy"

Well it is July 5th, the day after July 4th. I survived July 4th LOL. The day is 100 times more intense and longer because now they close the public swim pools on July 4th so there is no breaking up the day with long refreshing swim. Bill very sensibly went to an air conditioned movie. But I just stayed home on that long space-y day. Instead of the evening bringing relief, a thunderstorm arrived at exactly 7:15 pm, happily when Bill was on the way home from movies. Because little Beanie is scared of the thunder and scared of the rain. Bill told me Beanie is scared of water. So first he was scared of all the thunder we got, then he was scared of the rain pouring down. And then after 2 hours of being scared of either the thunder or the rain, they alternated, just when it would have been safe to come out, the fireworks began. Beanie is scared of fireworks.

He is fine now, doing somersaults across the house and splits, and going on his back on the big rug and wriggling and writhing and putting his legs up in air. But last evening he spent every instant of it running for cover. It was so pathetic because he would not stay in any hidey hole. All he had to do was choose one of his hidey holes in the house and stay in it, but that is not what he did. He spent the entire evening going from hidey hole to hidey hole. I said to Bill “it’s all so ridiculous, because in reality no one could be safer than Bean. The rain won’t get him, the thunder won’t get him, the fireworks won’t get him, he is perfectly safe every instant.” Bill said “I know, but that is not what is going on in his little mind.” And I knew I was looking at myself. I thought “I am just like Beanie, running for cover when I get scared, and the reality is I am safe all the time. I am safe all the time but as Bill said about Beanie, that is not what is going on in my little mind.”

Finally all the thunder stopped, all the rain stopped, all the fireworks stopped. And Beanie and I fell asleep. He slept next to my bed. I don’t know whether Bill listened to Coast-to-Coast on the radio or fell asleep too.

It was a long intense July 4th. But I liked it better than many of the other July 4ths I have had, because I kept it so simple, and I was very relaxed in the early part of afternoon. The heat put me right to sleep, there were long relaxed naps, and tv had “I Love Lucy” marathon. And one episode was so exquisite, when it ended I thought “this is bliss.” It is very relaxing on a long intense July 4th to spend it all with Lucy and Ricky and Ethel and Fred. I watched that show as kid living with my family, back when my bedtime was 9 PM and “I Love Lucy” came on at 9 PM on Monday evenings. And so I said to my mom “if you let me stay up for ‘I Love Lucy’ I will go to bed at 8:30 on Tuesdays.” I don’t remember ever actually going to bed at 8:30 on Tuesdays, but she did let me stay up for ‘I Love Lucy’ every Monday. So for me the show resonates with the 1950s. There is a winter coat Ricky wears in it, my dad had the same one. There is something about Ricky in those shows which brings it all back. Lucy and Ethel and Fred all seem timeless, but Ricky brings back my dad in the 1950s, he makes that world live again for me.

And the show is stunningly down to earth in a lot of ways. Whenever they all go off to the restaurant together, sit down, look at the menu, decide what they will order, it is all so familiar and lifelike from those times. I guess every family watching it back then saw their family. The dialogue is just what went on. A lot of the bits of ordinary life before it flips into a zany drama, really are how ordinary life was, it is very real. Which is why usually those are my favorite parts now. Very few episodes actually work for me, altho the one which ended in middle of afternoon, where I said “exquisite!” at the ending, and turned over in bliss, and thought “life is good.” Of course it had zaniness too, but the ending was exquisite and the whole start of it perfectly lovely.

I’m sure when I watched it at 8 years old, I did not see any resemblance in Ricky and Lucy to Marion and Leon. I just spent the whole time back then identifying with Lucy myself. But now when I watch it the world of Marion and Leon back then, is always called forth.

In an episode yesterday I noticed they all made each other laugh. They do such a classy job that it is imperceptible, that they surprised themselves by bursting into laughter and then tried to control it. For some reason when each said their line, it caused the others to giggle. I didn’t know why? I thought ‘they must have rehearsed it, they knew this line was coming,’ but it just tickled them when it was said. It was sweet watching that bona fide unscripted laughing take over their face, watching their joy bubble out.

Well maybe it doesn’t say much for my life that the high point of my July 4th was an exquisite episode of “I Love Lucy.” But it was the only time I completely relaxed, I just turned over and said “thank you” to the universe. LOL I’m not mad that July 4th was long hot intense day, all the days are like that this summer. It’s just that yesterday had no escape, there was no swim, there was no outing. And it climaxed with scared little doggie, nothing we could do would settle him down.

It’s no wonder I figured out on my fingers that it is exactly mid-summer for Tucson school children, in 6 weeks they go back to school, and psychologically summer is over even if the heat is with us for another two months. Yesterday was the day I wanted to know an end was in sight.

And when Bill got back from the movie theater and we sat in the living room having conversation to try to calm down Beanie, that was our favorite part of the conversation. “6 weeks till the kids go back to school!” “7 weeks till the first football game!” Bill said. Talking about the start of football season is how we keep our spirits up when it seems like there is no end in sight. Then we say all the games which will happen in September. “Of course it will still be hot in Tucson” Bill said. “Of course” I said “but psychologically, it will be Fall, even if we don’t get it.” And he says how Wisconsin and Minnesota will be having real Fall.

July 5th is always when we start to beckon Fall when you live on the desert.

“Confidence” (or My Very Interesting Day)

Tucson painting by Felix Pasilis
“Confidence” (or My Very Interesting Day)
July 2, 2008, Wednesday, 5:39 AM

Yesterday when I woke up I could not walk at all. The booboo in my foot was that bad. But worse than that was how mad I was about it. My mind was some awful cauldron of spitting mad and totally hopeless. “My life is shit” I thought. I don’t know why I generalized from booboo in my foot to my whole life, but that is what I did. I just lost confidence in everything. I totally lost it in every way. Plus I didn’t know what to do, not being able to walk is a big problem. Finally I was able to get from my bedroom to Bill’s bathroom right next door to it and back to bed again. Where I lied there having horrible thoughts. Then somehow I managed to get to kitchen, put up coffee, and get to my computer, where I sat here having horrible thoughts.

Finally my Higher Self suggested she would communicate a blog about what is going on, to help me. I called it “My Higher Self Encourages Me,” and I took down her communication. She began off accurately describing what was going on, especially in my mind, what my feelings were. Which actually helped me. I had been having horrible feelings and horrible ideas, and then upset with myself for having them. She took away the second upset by baldly stating my awful ideas and feelings. She just put them out there as the facts in the case. “Anne thinks her whole life is shit” my Higher Self baldly said. Which had bracing effect on me, it was exactly what I did think. Then she affirmed it was an ascension symptom. When I lost hope I lost hope in everything, it was nice being reassured on that score. And then she suggested it would get better as the day wore on (my tootsies) and the day will have lots of treats for me. This was very nice to hear. As it never occurred to me anything good could happen to me. When you think your life is shit all you see happening is more of the same.

Then things began to get interesting. First I turned on my email and there was a nice email from my brother telling me he had just read my Old Forge story (I wrote it and sent it to him year a half ago) and he said he really liked it and it was a good read. This was a story abut our childhood summers up in the Adirondacks. Since my brother never reads my stories, I was pleased as punch he read this one and liked it so much. I wrote back nice thank you email. I thought “whaddyaknow, I got a treat, my Higher Self is not a total liar.” Then I read Gloria’s Letter from God, where God suggested we listen to our impulses, which was very interesting, a whole different take on my own approach to my own impulses. So then I noticed I didn’t want to be at my computer, I wanted to be back in bed. Plus I wanted a cup of coffee and I wasn’t able to walk into kitchen to get it.

So my Higher Self suggested I wake up Bill (it was only 5 am) and have him help me get back to my bedroom and also to bring in cup of coffee for me. This was a shocking idea to me. I didn’t think Bill would like to be woken up 2 hours early, plus not like finding out his wife couldn’t walk. But I did it! He only scolded me a little, “you are never to wear high heels again!” Since Bill doesn’t believe in ascension symptoms, I told him I got it from wearing high heels. Once I was back in bed, drinking my coffee, Bill made it delicious with cream and sugar, I discovered I was happy. My foot was no longer bothering me, I could lie there completely happy. And I put my pillow by open window and looked out. I was relaxed and happy.

Then Bill announced it was so very early he was going to take Beanie to the park in the truck. During hot summer, at the time when Bill usually gets up, has his coffee, takes his shower, it is then too hot to do anything but take Beanie on short walk around neighborhood. But I had gotten him up 2 hours early, it was the perfect time to take Beanie for long walk in beautiful wash behind Fort Lowell park. “Great!” I said, “Great!”

We had mentioned to Anthony, one of the young lifeguards at pool, that because Lulu went to Heaven we are looking for second dog for Bean and because Bean has terrible mental problems, starts fights with everything, best thing is a very docile girl basset-hound or beagle. Someone who will just ignore Beanie being an ogre the way Lulu did. But Anthony had adopted a beautiful boy Belgium shepherd, Montana, who was now one year old, and Anthony was looking for a good home for Montana, because he said it is no life for Montana, cooped up all day in tiny apartment, while Anthony works all day at pool and goes to school. He really wanted us to take Montana.

And the evening before Bill and I both had long communications with our Higher Self to see if there was anyway this could work, and both our Higher Selfs told us “it would take a miracle, but go ahead.” So we had both woken up planning to do it. Bill said “maybe Anthony will be in the park jogging with Montana, the dogs can meet.” And I said “take Anthony’s phone number with you, maybe you can call him, there is a payphone near the pool.”

So then Bill left with Beanie, and as hard as this is to believe, I just lied there in bliss on my soft pillow with face to open window, drinking my delicious coffee, and happy that Bill was overjoyed to take Beanie for great early morning outing, instead of being furious at me for getting him up. He was so happy to be up early and taking Beanie to the park

And so I peacefully and happily watched the clouds, watched the birds, drank my coffee, and had happy thoughts.

Bill was gone long time. I wanted second cup of coffee. But finally he got back home and said “if you will sit in the living room with me I will tell you everything that happened.” I said “OK, let me bring in my cigs and you go get me ‘nother cup of coffee.”

And we sat in living room together. Well of course the walk in the beautiful wash at dawn was heaven. Both Bill and Beanie loved it. It was still cool and shadowy, all the smells of the animals were still there, they both loved it and walked for miles. And the great news was, Bill said, he discovered Beanie can be off the leash, he did not run away, he just followed Bill and came back when called. Bill was overjoyed. He said this means that Beanie doesn’t only have to be walked around the neighborhood like a monkey on a stick, he can take Beanie for all kinds of great hikes up in the forest of Mount Lemon, and all the beautiful washes at day break, and when weather turns cool in Fall way out to the pristine desert too.

“The bad news is Beanie is nutty as a fruitcake.” And Bill described in detail the two dogs Beanie attacked in the park for absolutely no reason at all, perfectly sweet nice dogs minding their own business. And when Bill said that, we both knew there was no way we could adopt Montana. As both our Higher Selfs told us at that moment, “there is 50 percent chance it would work out, we would get a miracle, and 50 per cent it wouldn’t.” And Montana is huge dog, Beanie is shrimp, it would be huge mistake for Beanie to attack Montana.

When Lulu went to Heaven 9 days ago, Bill buried her body in our backyard under the cottonwood tree in back. And for some reason he has been paranoid ever since that it is against the law to do this, that we will get in trouble for it. Even tho I reassured him that Cora has had gazillion dogs over past 50 years, and each time one goes to Heaven, Floyd, her husband, buries the body in their backyard. Bill just says “maybe their dogs were not in the system and no one knew they had the dogs to start with, but because Lulu was licensed they will want to find out.”

When Bill raised this anxiety again yesterday morning, for some reason my mind was clear as a bell. I thought ‘there is so much on our plate now, I don’t want him to suffer from this fear, I am going to take it away right now.’ And even tho I supposedly couldn’t walk at all, I said “it’s a week-day morning, it is after 9 am, I am going in to call animal control right now, let's get this worry off your mind, I might have to walk slowly but I am going to walk in and call.” And I didn’t have to walk so slowly. I did not have a hard time getting to my computer room where the phone was.

My computer was still on, so I googled the phone number for animal control, found the paper for Lulu’s licensing and called. And I told the woman how we had gotten the notice it was time to take Lulu for new rabies shot and re-licensing two months ago, and since Lulu had been acting out of it, we were glad to take her to the doctor anyway, and doctor said he wouldn’t give her rabies shot, she has problems. And I told the woman “and last week Lulu went to Heaven.” And the woman said “O I am so sorry.” She was so sweet and so sympathetic, not one bit the monster Bill had envisioned who would arrest us. She said “O I am so sorry and I will delete Lulu from the system,” which she did.

And I came back to tell Bill the good news. He can forget all his fears, she was tender and sympathetic. And I guess this is what turned the whole corner of the day for me. How could I not have back all my confidence in life, now that I had helped my husband! It meant that I was fine, it meant that life is good and true and real and beneficent, and we are all protected. It meant that all is well. It gave me back all my strength.

And Bill’s happiness soared too now that that was off his mind, and he described how beautiful the wash was in that early morning dawn, what a great time he and Beanie had, and what a great future they will have. All the things they can do, now that he discovered Beanie follows him and can be off the leash, and listens to him and wants to listen to him. Bill was overjoyed about that.

“We’ll have to let Anthony know we are not going to take Montana, I’ll call him now.” “Offer to do Craig’s List for him” Bill said, “tell him how you did Craig’s List for Mike the mechanic when his dog had 13 puppies and within two weeks, homes had been found for all 13 puppies.”

First I called Anthony at the pool, but when there was no answer I remembered Anthony does not arrive till 12:30, he does late shift at pool, 12:30 to 8:30. So I called the phone number he gave Bill which must be cellphone. I wonder if I woke him up. I said “this is Anne from the pool, last night we thought we would adopt Montana, but this morning Bill took Beanie to Fort Lowell park, he thought you might be there with Montana and the dogs could meet, but Beanie attacked all the dogs, he has mental problems, and we can’t adopt Montana, and do you want me to do Craig’s List for you, I will be happy to.” Anthony said “no.” I said “I understand, you want Montana to go to a good home where you know the people and know he will be loved and well taken care of.” And then I said “Bill and I will leave no stone unturned to find wonderful home for Montana.” And then I got off. It was terrible connection, I could barely hear Anthony and it didn’t seem like he was saying very much.

It was confusing phone call for me, but still I wanted to let Anthony know we would not be adopting Montana, he had had his heart set on it.

Then Bill made himself delicious breakfast (I said no thank you when he offered it to me), an omelette with onions green pepper and tomato, and two cheeses, provolone and cottage cheese. Bill rarely eats, it is always cause for celebration when he does, it is always a statement all is right with the world when he does. And he called me in to admire his omelette which I did. He is a great cook. And when I walked into the kitchen to see the omelette in the pan, I noticed I was walking perfectly. “Look! Bill! Look!” I walked backwards, I walked forward, I walked backwards again. “Look Bill look! I am walking perfectly.”

He then washed his clothes in washing machine, pinned them up on line outside, and I went in to answer emails, and they were all nice emails, I was having good time. And he said “I hear thunder, we better swim now.” So we went to Billie’s pool at Catalina high school. I said “that ladder is hard for me, putting all my weight on one foot, if I need help will you help me.” And he said yes. I was walking perfectly now but I thought the ladder would be hard.

While swimming I had long talk with my Higher Self about Montana and Anthony. I really really really wanted to help Anthony with Montana. And my Higher Self said something very interesting. Bill and I had put all our focus on trying to find good home for Montana.

But my Higher Self said “Montana already has a good home, Anthony loves Montana, and Montana loves Anthony. The problem is Anthony can’t figure out how to give Montana a good life.” And she even said, “it is hard for Anthony, air conditioning costs a fortune and Anthony is never home, but he has to leave it on all day for Montana because desert is furnace in summer.” And she suggested I ask Billie, who is the boss of all the lifeguards, if Anthony could be allowed to take Montana to the pool. Dogs are not allowed on deck, but they are allowed in the little house where the lifeguards are. They are all dog lovers and it is air conditioned there. And then Montana won’t be so lonely all day long.

I swam over to Bill in his lane and said “maybe we can come up with ideas of how Anthony can provide happier life for Montana, maybe Anthony can take him with him to work.” And Bill said “Don’t meddle! Don’t say a word to Billie! Billie is Anthony’s boss. Don’t meddle, Anne!” Billie is passionate dog lover and has 4 dogs, I thought even if he said no, he would be sympathetic to the whole situation. But when Bill said “don’t meddle” and he said it sternly, I changed my mind and decided to keep my mouth shut.

I signaled to Bill that I was getting out of pool now, and to keep an eye out in case I needed help with the ladder. And it was true I could not put all my weight on that one foot to swing myself out. And at first I didn’t know what I would do. But on Friday I had crawled out and I decided to do that again. Only this time I had an audience. Apparently Bill was watching, and the girl in next lane who has big mouth was watching. And as I crawled out I heard her call out to whole pool “she hurt her foot from wearing high heels.”

But you know my spirits were sky high. I have no idea why the flooding happiness, which had flooded in at some point in the morning, was such a happy strong flow. As weird as it sounds to say, I was happier than I had ever been in my whole life. Something was really soaring in my happiness. I had such confidence! Such confidence in life! It really affected my whole perception. That everything I thought was so terrible when I woke up, had turned out to be the modus vivendi for bringing in so much more opportunity and happiness for all. My confidence generalized. I had more confidence in myself! More confidence in Bill! More confidence in God! More confidence in the whole world! I had more confidence in all my friends and relatives and everyone I knew.

And on the way home I explained to Bill about Anthony and Montana. In the pool Bill had said, “but Anthony must have tried to come up with way to have happy life for Montana, when he couldn’t he decided the solution was to give Montana to good home.” In the car I said “just because Anthony couldn’t come up with a solution doesn’t mean there isn’t one, he doesn’t communicate with his Higher Self. Maybe we can come up with ideas. Anthony loves Montana, Montana loves Anthony, so Montana already has a good home, we don’t have to find good home for Montana. We just have to figure out how he can have happy life with Anthony.

“And we don’t know what will happen. Maybe Anthony will find a wonderful girlfriend, who will have a backyard, or be home a lot so she can stay with Montana. Anything can happen…”

link to "My Higher Self Encourages Me"

“Big Shopping at Fry’s Yesterday”

Tucson painting by Felix Pasilis
I haven't written in 3 weeks

and it was 3 earthshaking weeks

One of those months you never forget, there was so much emotion and intensity

And so much soul-searching

So it makes sense when I decided to return to my writing this morning, I wound up writing this simple little story about grocery shopping yesterday

LOL it is how we return to the world, when we have been out of the world

All my love, Anne

“Big Shopping at Fry’s Yesterday”
5:43 AM, Saturday, June 28, 2008

It is a soft morning. End of June, July is in a few days. Monsoon season on the desert has started, so early morning air is soft warm dampish. Already some clouds have appeared. The world of green out my window is soft and blurry. Without clarity nothing is distinct. All the leaves seem to blend into each other. This is not a world of high definition, it is the reverse, this is the soft world.

And I can see how a baby would be born in this soft world, warm and moist, where there are no edges. It is a soft new-born world. Just a soft attractive green blur where the trees are. Everything has been softened for baby’s first day. The world has been turned into a nursery.

I did a big shopping at Fry’s yesterday. It was the highlight of my day. I woke up with booboo in my foot, another ascension symptom (the body adapting to moving into faster frequency). It was so hard walking from room to room, I thought “no way will I able to do my shopping at Fry’s today. No way will I be able to do anything, go outside and open windows on truck, put the dishes in the dishwasher, and supermarket shopping at Fry’s is out.” But in fact when Bill walked Beanie, I did hobble out and open all the windows on the truck. And that gave me confidence. So I did load all the dishes into the dishwasher and even walked around the house looking for more dishes. And that gave me a lot of confidence, because it meant everything is on schedule.

I didn’t think I would be able to do grocery shopping when it was so hard to hobble to the truck to go swimming. I thought “we will just have to make do with the food we already have in house.” But I swam for whole hour at Billie's pool. And I thought “this long soak must be good for my tootsies,” and I realized I really wanted to do that shopping, it would make me feel strong to do it. I swam over to Bill just before I left the pool and said “do you want to do Fry’s after the pool?” He said “it’s up to you, is your foot up to it?” “Yes” I said. Of course getting out of the pool was not easy, I had to climb that ladder to get out and my foot just couldn’t take the weight. I was stymied! Finally I simply crawled onto the cement deck. It didn’t give me confidence that I couldn’t climb the ladder to get out of the pool, but had to crawl on the cement deck, but at least I had gotten out of the pool. I took my shower and washed my hair. I really wanted to do the supermarket shopping.

I thought, I will have that big shopping cart to lean into, it will make it easy for me, plus Bill can help me out, he can get the soda and the vegetables, and dish detergent for washing dishes. I was very motivated to do the shopping because there were some things I was all out of.

We haven’t been to Fry’s in long time. It is close to Billie’s pool but not close to Fort Lowell pool, and we have been swimming at Fort Lowell pool every day. Plus ever since Sunflower market opened, it has been so appealing to go there. It is close to home and on the way home; it is small intimate market, I know everyone; and it is so attractive and everything there is nice. It is so easy. That is why I always wind up at Sunflower. Altho I always loved Fry’s, it’s just that it is a huge supermarket so I always wind up doing huge shopping.

And it is luxurious a huge supermarket, because it does have everything. Sunflower has very nice food, but if you need dish detergent you have to go to another store, or if you want soda you have to go to another store. I was out of a lot of things that Sunflower doesn’t carry. It was so nice to be able to buy all the food I wanted plus all the other things I was out of. And anyway I just love Fry’s.

It is a big experience, an adventure.

Plus I knew if I did big shopping at Fry’s it would put it in perspective for Bill about my foot. Of course it alarmed him when he saw me hobbling, but if he saw me do huge shopping at Fry’s, he would realize it was no big deal. And so would I! It would put it in perspective for me too. It is a bit of a nuisance but it is a big nothing.

I really did have a great time shopping at Fry’s. While swimming at pool I had memorized all the things I needed. I didn’t want it to be a shopping where, when I got home, I realized half the reason I went there I forgot to buy those things. Plus now that Sunflower is my main market, I have clear ideas what Sunflower doesn’t have, what I have to go to Fry’s for, and I wanted to be sure to buy those things.

So I did huge shopping and loaded up my cart. And Bill took his own cart and got all the soda and the vegetables, frozen vegetables to make suppers out of, and fresh vegetables for salads, and dish washing detergent too, two boxes of it. And it made it so easy for me that he chose his frozen vegetables for cooking dinner, and I didn’t have to figure out what he likes.

I knew it would be huge heavy shopping to take into house, but he was so overjoyed to see that my foot was no impediment to accomplishing huge shopping, that he happily brought it all in.

When we got to check-out counter, we arrived together, the girl who was bagging my groceries asked me if I was from Queens. I lit up with delight. Who in the world would recognize my accent as a Queens accent! Most people in Tucson are thrilled out of their mind when they identify it as a New York accent. They ask me very tentatively “are you from New York by any chance?” Or if they are not that confident, they say “where are you from?” And when I say “New York” they say “I guessed it!” They are so excited and happy at their insightfulness, so delighted with themselves. I don’t know if any of them have even heard of Queens. So you can imagine how excited I was when the woman said “are you from Queens?” “YES!!!” I said. I knew she had to be from Queens too to recognize my accent.

And when she met us at the truck as Bill was stowing away the groceries, she told us all about herself. I don’t know the part of Queens where she grew up, Queens is very big, and there are so many parts I don’t know at all. But it turned out her dad was handball player, Bill had become a handball player in New York so he knew that world. On all the holidays her dad would go to Brighton Beach where the top handball players from all over the city congregated to play with each other. And her dad would go fishing there too, on party boats, just as Bill did. Her dad liked handball and fishing, just like Bill. She said her parents moved to Tucson when she was 19 years old and she came with them, they all moved out here together, so she has been here long time. And she told Bill “you look like a contractor, are you a contractor by any chance?” Because, she told Bill, her husband Raul, he is Mexican-- “I love Mexicans!” I said, which is true-- does the cement work, but he got laid off when the building boom in Tucson stopped. And she said “it is causing marital problems.” She got the job at Fry’s because they needed money, but it makes him feel bad that he can’t take care of her, and she really wants him to find work, it will get him out of the house, plus he will feel good again. And she wrote down their name and phone number.

And Bill said on the way home, “if we had money, I would hire him to cement that outside wall, where the big crack was, I did the job but I don’t like how it looks, I would have him do it all over again, plus the wall in the kitchen which is tumbling down.” “We might have money” I said, “I forgot to check my lottery ticket while I was in Fry’s, we could have money and not know about it.” And we both thought about all the work we would hire him to do, so he would get out of the house and be happy again.

And the woman said “I don’t know why I am telling you this,” and then she told us about her 99 year old aunt who is so independent and how she called her, and her aunt said “Bethie! I am so happy to talk to you,” and she told us “Bethie is my baby name.” But of course I called her Bethie after that, it is how I learned her name. But I could see she was surprised that the only person in the whole world who calls her by her baby name is her 99 year old aunt, and a girl in the Fry’s parking lot.

Post script, well the sun rose, sky is blue, birds are out and about. And my foot is all better. I guess shopping at Fry’s did the trick.

“Ted’s birthday party”

Tucson painting by Felix Pasilis
6:20 am, Sunday, June 8, 2008
“Ted’s birthday party”
(his wife invited all the people in the Tucson Ron Paul meet up group)

Yesterday was Ted’s birthday party. His wife gave him the party. It was in their backyard behind their house. And you could say in some ways it was the loveliest party I have ever been to. She had a lot of food she had prepared set out buffet-style on tables when you first entered the yard, right behind the house. And it was all such perfect food. Just exactly what you love to eat, and exactly suited for the time of day and the weather. She even had delicious iced tea already sweetened and lemoned as one of the assortment, huge assortment, of soft drinks. She just had everything. It was like a fairy land. If you arrived in Heaven and there was a picnic party to greet you, and all you had to do was to desire something, anything, and it was immediately in an attractive bowl to help yourself right in front of you, that is what Jacqui's party was like. Except you didn’t have to figure out what your heart’s desire was, Jacqui had figured it out for you, it was all there. And she is so talented at food preparation, everything she prepared was just perfect. I don’t know how she did it. She is just a genius hostess. And she must love her husband very much to make such a nice party for him, that is a true labor of love. And her backyard likewise, was set out perfectly for the party. Her talent must extend to home-making to have a backyard like that. There may have been two tables, but the table where I sat down, a nice big comfortable rectangular table, was solid, big, and had some kind of tiles as its table top, maybe ceramic tiles, very attractive and comfortable and inconspicuous. And very comfortable chairs to sit in and comfortable chairs like that all over the yard. And another table, maybe slightly smaller, just like that too. It is her touch again, nothing conspicuous, just your heart’s desire without even realizing it is your heart’s desire, just that it fits perfectly.

Her husband said “Annie!” when I arrived, he figured out it was me. He was standing in middle of yard near buffet table. He was younger than I thought he would be, young and vibrant and handsome, and happy. A wife like that, and who loves him so much, how could he not be happy. And those eyes! You could see in his eyes, how it was that he sent an email to everyone in the Ron Paul meet-up group in Tucson, asking them to become a precinct committeeman, and as a result I did! The energy in those eyes was tremendous, the boldness. I guess you could call him a leader. It is a different kind of leader than Jacqui, where the responsibility for making all those people perfectly comfortable was squarely on her shoulders. And she did it! Magnificently! He is the leader of a movement, that is something else. But he does it with as much ease and grace as his wife does hostess, it fell so easily and naturally on his shoulders, without effort or strain, just like his wife. Two totally exceptional people who simply naturally express what it is to be human. He is friendly warm easy-to-talk-to generous and kind.

Jim and I got lost going there which made the trip 5 or 6 times as long. We could have gone there and back 6 times in the time it took to find it, and it is not close by. It could be 10 miles away, easily. I hadn’t bothered to read the directions on the email because when I told Jim the address, 7901 East Manitoba Street, he said “I know where that is.” So all I wrote down was Ted’s name and the address. I didn’t write down his phone number or the directions because Jim was born here and grew up here, he really does know where places are, and as he said as we were driving along to get there (this is before we got lost)-- he said “I used to be a gas man, so all I did was find addresses.” Jim worked for the gas company in Tucson, when there is a problem and you call the gas company and they dispatch a technician to your house, day and night, Jim was the one dispatched. So naturally since Jim had said “I know where it is” on the phone, and said “I used to be gas man, all I did was find addresses,” it never crossed my mind we would be lost for 2 hours and almost have to give up and come home.

He actually was familiar with Manitoba Street and had an idea of where it would be, and when we got as far East as the 7900 block he did turn South to find it. We began off on the right track. But I guess he didn’t go far South enough, because when he didn’t find it, he tried to backtrack north again. He decided it must not be this far south, and must be further north. But he turned onto a big street which looped around everything, which went in a wide circle, and then he began turning north, and we went all the way north to Speedway without finding it. We really had driven for an hour now, and instead of getting closer to it, we were hopelessly lost, had no idea where it was. He said he should take me back home so I could get Ted’s phone number, and I said we should stop at a convenience store so we could look at a map. “They won’t let you look at the map” he said “you’ll have to buy it! we’ll go back to my house and look up Mapquest on the computer, I have a computer now.”

We passed a gas station on every corner and I kept saying “can’t we ask at the gas station where Manitoba Street is?” And he said “those aren’t real gas stations they are just convenience stores, they don’t know anything.” “We have his full name and address, can’t you call on your cell phone for Directory Information and get his phone number?” “What is Directory Information?” he asked. “OK” I said, “take me to a pay phone and I will call directory information.” So he found one outside a convenience store in a parking lot. “How much is a pay phone these days, is it still a quarter” I asked Jim. “I don’t know” he said, “but they’ll return your money.” It turned out to be 50 cents. But then I saw written on it “for directory information dial 1 and 411, and deposit 65 cents.” Which brought me to nothing at all, and my money didn’t come back. So then I pressed operator, and finally someone came on, and I told her. And then a supervisor came on and I told him, and he said he is very sorry, but directory information is 555-1212. And I said “I don’t have another 50 cents, can you return my money” and he said “I am very sorry I can’t do that but I can take your name and address.” And I said “my friend is right here with a cellphone, what does he call?” And the man said “he can call 411.” The operator supervisor was very nice to me and very sympathetic. I told him “we have been driving around in circles for an hour, we can’t find it and now I want to call and get his phone number so I can ask him.” He was tremendously sympathetic about driving around in circles and that I lost my 65 cents and could not reach directory information and there was no way he could connect me to it. So then Jim called 411 on his cell phone and he was told it was an unlisted number. I guess that is when we hit bottom, we had reached total frustration.

I think Jim wanted to give up and go home. “We can’t keep driving around at 4 dollar gallon gas, I will run out of gas.” And I still had the idea somewhere in my mind that we had to find Manitoba Street, that the logical thing is to find Manitoba Street and then the address on it, 7901. Jim kept insisting I had written it down wrong and our whole problem is it must be 7109. This is the second time I got lost with Jim and after he said he knew where it is, so I didn’t write down directions. And the first time I accepted it, when he said it was my fault, I wrote it down wrong. But this time I didn’t! I knew I had just copied it from Ted’s email and I had copied it right.

So again we set off blindly. “I know where 7500 is,” he said, “we'll go along there.” And he said “I do have some idea where Manitoba Street is, I remember it, I have an idea where it is.” So he drove west somewhere, till he decided to go south, and then we went south a great distance, we were around the air force base. And Jim kept saying “I know where Manitoba Street is.” And then we turned east, to get near 7900, and Jim with his great eyesight, like a hawk, said “there it is, that must be the party.” I don’t know how he did it. He found Manitoba Street he found the house, he found it all in one fell swoop! “How do you know that is the party?” He said “the gate is open, it must be in the back yard, I heard the sounds of the party, and there are the cars.” So we parked and went thru the gate and walked into the middle of back yard.

And a very nice young man standing up right there said “Annie!!” I said “yes, are you Ted?” and he said “yes.” And I said “this is Jim he drove me, he is the one who changed his registration so he could sign my petition and vote for me.” Jim was so concerned about not knowing anyone there, and was he really invited, that I wanted to say right from the get-go how helpful Jim was to the cause. Ted had really really really wanted me to be pc (precinct committeeman) and Jim had made it all possible to happen.

I was so thirsty by now, and Ted’s wife put ice in a glass, and I poured 7 Up on it and got one for Jim. I discovered there was food and put a sandwich on my plate and one for Jim. And then you could say the party began for us. Everyone else had not gotten lost, had shown up on time, and were now finished eating. Jim got into conversation right away with a very nice young man, standing up by buffet table, the guy Ted had been talking to when we arrived. So I took my plate and drink over to one of the picnic tables.

And I immediately told the woman sitting on my left how we had gotten lost. I was very amused that Jim a native of Tucson, plus a gas man expert at finding addresses, had been lost for two hours. Plus it is so different from Bill. Before we go anywhere he gets out the map, knows exactly where we are going. He never wings anything, everything is done with meticulous care ahead of time. As I told the girl next to me, “I am not meticulous like my husband, I am more wing-it, but I’m not as extreme as Jim.” In fact I like having an idea where something is, I don’t have to be exact about it. Which I guess is what Jim thought he had, but hadn’t, but then turned out he had. She was a lovely attractive very nice woman and the man she was sitting with was not her husband, because when he returned with two beers, they both told each other they had never tasted this one before. A woman at the other end of the table was doing all the talking, and the attractive woman and the man she was sitting with, were listening. The man next to the attractive woman (his name turned out to be Pat) asked the talkative girl when she moved to Tucson, and she said “4 years ago.” And he said “where did you live before?” And she said “Yuma.” And she said her husband is in the Marines for 20 years, I guess he just retired, so they had lived in lots of places. She looked and seemed like a bouncing happy friendly girl but she made poor impression on me. Because apparently she works at Desert Museum now. That is off in the mountains in the desert east of Tucson, I was there once, with all the animals of the desert there (a desert zoo) and big parking lot. She said if someone arrives with their dog (I guess no dogs are allowed to come in) and leaves their dog in car in parking lot, the guard calls Humane Society, they take away your dog, and you have to go up before a judge to try to get your dog back, and it is not so easy. The reason for this is because summer heat has arrived on the desert. I really have a problem with this. In Tucson they take away your children and they take away your dog, and you can’t get them back, if you leave them in the car when it is desert heat. When we first moved here we took our dog Clio with us everywhere, she wanted to go, and she would curl up on seat, we left the windows open, when we went into a store. I guess we were just lucky they did not take Clio away from us and refuse to give her back.

It was deeply weird for me to be at a party which I thought was libertarians for Ron Paul and have a woman endorse this policy. (Maybe she is a relative or friend.) Why else would I run for precinct committeeman if I didn’t want to get rid of all the laws in Arizona which take away your pets, your children, and your liberty!

Pat, himself, turned out to be Precinct Chairman. “O!” I said so excited “you are my precinct chairman, I am precinct committeeman, so what is the idea behind all this? we are going to do a revolution and take over the Republican party?”

He said there are various groups in the Republican Party, but most all want lower taxes and less government restriction. And Tucson is nearly all Democratic voters and our goal is to get people to vote Republican to get Republicans into office. “O” I said “O.” I thought to myself, ‘I can’t believe I am doing all this just to elect Republicans, if that is what this is all about, why am I doing it! And the whole idea that I would try to entice someone who likes to vote for Democrats to vote for a Republican seemed absurd to me. I don’t believe in trying to change anyone’s mind.’ I was completely confused.

So then I tried to talk to the man on my right, I didn’t want him to feel left out. There was an ashtray there and I asked if it would be ok if I smoked cigarette? And you have to give that man credit. He said “I have had asthma since I was 3 or 4 years old, smoke is the worst thing for me, but I joined the smokers rights group, because I believe smokers should have rights and their rights should not be taken away from them.” And he told me the logo for the smokers’ rights group is a dove smoking a cigarette. I told him “I love that logo, because I love doves and I smoke cigarettes, and I want to see the picture, is it on the internet?” And he said “Yes, just look up smokers rights alliance.” And I said “I give you great credit for putting your money where your mouth is, I never met anyone before who acted on their principles like you.”

And then I decided to get a little more food. The conversation had changed to politics, which is a conversation I like and I am interested in. I would have liked to hear what they all had to say, and to say my two cents too. But when I went to get more food the guy Jim had been talking to had left. So Jim said “I’m tired and I want to leave.” I said “can I eat a little more food first?” But he looked at my plate and said “all that! it will take long time.” So instead I just heaped up my plate, I thought “I will take it home for Bill and I will drink my iced tea and eat my delicious coconut ices in the car.”

So I brought the heaped-up plate to the car, put it on seat under steering wheel, and when I returned Jim was now in conversation with Ted. Ted said he is libertarian so he will vote for Bob Barr. And he and Jim got into big conversation about trucks and diesel and getting tickets for noise and I don’t know, car talk I guess. I was just standing around, drinking my iced tea, waiting for Jim to leave. I hadn’t been quite ready to leave when Jim said “time to go.” I was ready to have my dessert, a little more food and my iced tea at table and talk about politics. But when Jim said time to leave, I never returned to table, I stood around and waited for him to be ready to go, but now that he was enjoying his conversation he didn’t want to go.

It’s interesting. I am so used to Bill and how he does thing, and having a rhythm with Bill, and him understanding me and me understanding him. And I like things to be clear. Either we are leaving, in which case we leave. Or we are staying, in which case I make myself comfortable eating my food, sit at table, and partake in conversation. This in-between thing, leaving and not leaving, standing around, waiting to leave, is not how I like to do things. I guess Jim got bored when he had no one to talk to, so he wanted to leave, and then when he enjoyed his conversation with Ted he didn’t want to leave.

At the table I had asked, “who is here? is it Ron Paul people plus Ted and Jacqui’s friends?” And they said “yes, about half and half.” The woman next to me, and maybe Pat too, said they had met Ted in the Ron Paul group, but then had become friends.

Finally Jim was ready to leave. So I thanked Ted and said what a wonderful party it was and to please thank his wife for me. And she was getting out the birthday cake, it said “Happy Birthday Ted” on it, she is such a sweetheart.

And Jim and I drove home very fast, long beautiful route, as Sun was going down. “That was a very nice party” I said. And he said “I’m not going to go to the art gallery on Sunday.” The plan had been for Jim to take me, we would stay an hour. Because Layla’s show turned out to be a group show. It is at Dahlia’s gallery all the way down town. And Layla had asked if Bill wanted to be in the show, and to call Dahlia and mention her name if he did. And Bill had brought down 10 paintings and Dahlia chose 4 which will be in the show next Sunday. And Dahlia even had Bill sign a contract, a 3 month contract, that she can sell the paintings at 60-40. And she took photos of two of them and put them on her website with the other art she has contracted to sell.

This show is a huge deal to Bill. Other than student shows at the art colleges he has been in in Tucson he has never had his work in a show. And Layla is a great artist, and likewise Jerry, whose metal sculpture will be in it. Jerry is a great artist. Bill is in very good company. This is a tremendous thing.

Bill will want to be there the whole time plus help Dahlia clean up. I thought Jim would take me and we would stay an hour. But he said an hour is too long, he has no interest in looking at art, and he doesn’t want to drive all the way down to Stone Avenue. We’ll see what happens. Jim had agreed to take me to Ted’s birthday party because Bill had helped him with his car last week, drove him home from the garage and then to garage when car was ready. But apparently Jim had fallen asleep, he woke up and thought “holy shit! I am supposed to drive her to that birthday party” and had come right over.

I really have no idea why Jim decided he didn’t want to go to art gallery next Sunday. I think he had nice time at birthday party. He enjoyed very much the two people he talked to, he is a libertarian himself. He got to eat nice food, and it was pleasant in the backyard.

But maybe he thought I’d rather be home watching television, and he decided one big favor was enough, and he wasn’t going to take me to the art show....


Layla

“Ethical Culture” or “15 years old in New York City”

WATER OF LIFE
by Layla (Flora Edwards)

Friday, 5:40 am, June 6, 2008
“Ethical Culture” or “15 years old in New York City”

June 6th is such a special day to me because I think the mass awakening will occur on June 6th. It is very powerful spiritual day. When I first moved to Tucson I had friend in the apartments, Michael Siegel. He had moved here in the summer, from Boston, we arrived Thanksgiving week. So he had already been here a few months. But I think he knew Tucson better than we did, because he had come to take care of his mom. She must have been here for a while or long time and when she needed help Mike arrived. He might have a brother who was living here too. Mike grew up in Brooklyn. I think his dad delivered The Daily News. Which meant his dad was up all night and slept all day. And now that I think about it, I remember Mike telling me on the phone, one of the last times we chatted, because we lost touch 10 years ago, that he too went to Ethical Culture in Manhattan on Friday nights. He has such fond memories of that. He went into ecstasy as he remembered ethical culture.

I really don’t know what to say about Ethical Culture. Mike went into raptures about it. He loved going and had a great time. I just remember I was 14 years old, and it strikes me now what a huge year 14 years old is, what a big thing it is to be 14 years old. That is when your whole life changes, everything begins at 14 years old. As a kid I dreamt and dreamt about my Sweet 16 and being 16 years old, that was always the nirvana which lay ahead. Every romantic dream, every dream of happiness, all my dreams, were wrapped up in my Sweet 16, and 16 years old. It was my idea of paradise as kid. But in fact I never had a Sweet 16, and it seems to me being sixteen, that year, I was vaguely depressed. I didn’t think of myself as vaguely depressed, and would have never thought about it that way. But my friend from camp Bobbi (who was exactly my age but had skipped a year because of S.P.) had gone off to out-of-town college in Ann Arbor Michigan, the year we were sixteen. I was in my senior year in high school, and I used to write to her all the time, just because letter-writing is something I liked to do. And she wrote back “you always sound so depressed in your letters.”

In fact I didn’t learn the word “depressed” until I went off to out-of-town college, and a boy I had a crush on, and had started a brief relationship with, broke up with me in the school cafeteria saying “being with you depresses me and when I am depressed I can’t study.” That is how I learned the word “depressed.” So Bobbi must have written “you always sound so unhappy in your letters.” I don’t think I was unhappy that year. I think it is more like, what someone once said “if you read back your old diaries, it will sound like you were always unhappy.” Maybe no one writes in their diary except when they are unhappy. And maybe that is when I wrote to Bobbi.

I think I got the idea I was vaguely depressed the year I was 16, because I was once in Central Park stoned in my early twenties. It was on a Sunday. And two girls, two friends, who lived by the park were sitting on bench talking to each other. And somehow I knew they were both 16, and I could see in their faces they were vaguely depressed, and I must have thought to myself “that is what being 16 is like.” It’s not that they looked like their mothers or were trying to act like their mothers, but there was too much of their mother influence all over them, they didn’t feel original to me. I think now they were deeply bored. Somehow they were leading a life which wasn’t really theirs. Some quickening of life was stunted or shelved, some cocoon they hadn’t broken thru yet. Glorious 16 was not glorious for me.

But 14 is when the world opened up, when all the excitement started. Of course the huge thing was finally becoming attractive to boys, and having boyfriends, or a boyfriend, falling in love, being in love, passionate making-out. But before that happened, that happened the summer I was 14, before that happened, in the spring before I was 14-- No! it had to be the Spring I turned 15! Hahaha, Ethical Culture is the story of turning 15! the forgotten year! 14 is when it all happens! 16 is the year of glory which is not glorious at all! In between that is 15.. O that is not such an easy year, but it is an interesting year. Because that is when things start to trigger in the mind. I mean the intellectual world opens up. LOL that is when you become a budding intellectual, which let’s be honest about it, just means you want to be cool. You have had a whole year now of being attractive to boys. As earthshakingly wonderful as it was when it first dawned at 14, you’ve already fallen in love, had your first boyfriend, been broken up by him, went thru that long awful period.

There really is no experience like that first experience of being broken up with by someone you want with all your heart. Because it takes so long to wrap your mind around it and accept it. You spend so long trying to get him back, or not accepting it happened. It’s odd now, looking back and seeing the ecstasy and the suffering as all one big pot of stew, each one a rich interesting experience. I mean I look back and see the ecstasy of that first summer romance, my first romance. And then the long Fall leading up to Winter of accepting the rejection, he must have broken up with me soon after we returned to the city, it just didn’t work in the city. But of course I wouldn’t believe it, because I didn’t want to believe it.

I did learn a lot from reading my diary at the time 25 years later. I still had my diary in a file cabinet somewhere in my East Village apartment, and Liz Horn, Ruthie’s friend from when we were all teenagers-- I told her how I had never read my diary, I must have thought I would hate the me I found in it. And she said “read it! you won’t! it is interesting!” I don’t know if I was high on pot when I read it, altho it’s possible I had started to be a writer already, or maybe just before. My dad had given it to me as a little present right before I went off to camp when I was 13. It began off with such a childish mind, I remember my first entry ended up with “I guess I am just a typical teen-ager.” But the next year I did write my experiences at that teen-age camp. Altho I think I stopped writing nearly every day when my relationship with Fred began, that was earthshaking, too big to write about, too consuming. I wrote about the boys who were interested in me or I was interested in them before I met Fred, or my activities with them. One took me in his convertible sports car to a movie in Pittsfield. That was fun! Altho the movie was way too advanced for a girl who had turned 14 two months ago, a French movie about a middle aged French woman having an affair with a young Englishman, “Room At The Top.”

But interestingly enough, when summer was over and I started high school and the first thing which happened was Fred broke up with me, I did use the diary to try to help myself. All thru the Fall and into December I tried to deal with the rejection in my diary. And what struck me when I read it stoned on pot at 27 years old, was that by December I had reached the point when I didn’t want to suffer about it anymore. I had decided to be philosophical. I actually saw it right there in my own handwriting. I didn’t use the word “philosophical” at the time, maybe I wrote “I think I will accept it.” But I looked at it and thought “what do you know! I decided to be philosophical.” Which oddly enough is the first and only time I have ever used the word “philosophical.” I guess I felt that I had decided back at 15, after so many long months of eating my heart out about it, that I had decided to detach from it in some way. I must have brought in some other way of seeing it, or some other way of deciding to look at it. Probably all I did was decide to accept it, what else could it be? But I was impressed with myself, reading it, so many years later. It was clear I wanted to end the suffering, I had made the decision to do it, and I must have used my mind to do it. That is probably why I said to myself “look! I was philosophical.” I must have felt that I brought my mind into it for help.

And oddly enough it was that Spring following that-- warm weather had come in, so it may have been June. I was coming back from a party or something on the subway with a girlfriend, and I bumped into Ellen Klein in the subway. She was with her friend and she was wearing some cool looking beatnik outfit. And I said “where are you coming from?” and she said “Ethical Culture.” Maybe I was with Ruthie Hurwood and she was sleeping over. And I said “what is ethical culture?” It was a Friday night, that is for sure, because Ethical Culture took place on Friday nights. And Ellen said “kids come from all over the city to it.” I had no idea what it was, but Ellen looked so cool, and it sounded so cool. So you can be sure the following Friday night Ruthie and I arranged to meet at it. And we must have invited Leslie and Sheila, the 4 of us had been foursome for two years, we all went to camp together the summer I was 13, camp parties all year. Ruthie went to different camp the following year, but Shelia, Leslie, and I all went to the same teen-aged camp where I had my first boyfriend.

And we all agreed to show up at Ethical Culture the following Friday evening. And sure enough, there were all the cool kids from all over New York City, especially the really cool ones from Manhattan and the Bronx. Manhattan and the Bronx was always the coolest. They all looked like budding intellectuals, which was the cool way to look back then in the '50s. Since Ellen had told us to go to “Philosophy,” when we arrived we asked “where is Philosophy?”

And so we went to a big room, where everyone was sitting on the floor, and all the coolest looking ones were there. And oddly enough the guy leading the discussion, this came as huge surprise to me-- I don’t know how I recognized him. In fact there is no way I could have. I must have recognized his name, he must have said it. When I was child in Old Forge, one of the families of New York City school teachers, we were all families of New York City school teachers, the kids Martha and Carl played with (my two older cousins) were Rita and Hank. Rita was Martha’s age, two years older than me, and Hank was Carl’s age, 4 years older than me. Their dad was Bernie Sackler, I don’t remember their mom’s name now. Their mom, Rita, and Hank were all skinny but Bernie wasn’t. Edith! Edith Sackler was the mom’s name. Obviously I never said a word to Hank. Boys simply don’t talk to girls who are 4 years younger when we were all children. You are aware of them, they are older boys, gods! but they are not aware of you. But Hank was notorious to me, because the day he was supposed to take his Junior Life Saving Test he was in bed with a fever. It was freezing cold day, as all the days are up in Adirondacks, freezing cold and rainy. He had been forbidden to take the test. But he had snuck out of the house to take it. Which appalled all the grown-ups as they sat on their beach blankets talking about it, but which thrilled and excited me, my hero! It was my idea of heroism to defy your parents to take your Junior Life Saving test. After that when he was a teenager, he would come to our house and my mom would stand in the backyard and give him his hay-fever shot. He was even allowed, I heard, to stay in Old Forge a few months after the summer ended, because Old Forge is hay-fever free and the hay-fever is so bad in New York City, I don’t know where they arranged for Hank to stay.

And after that I of course never saw him again. The last time I saw him was standing in my own backyard getting a hay fever shot from my mom, the nurse.

A completely skinny guy.

So how could I possibly recognize the bear-looking guy, big and round like a bear, with huge big reddish blond beard. The skinny 14 year old I had last seen, now smoked a pipe, had this huge beard, and seemed to be 5 times his size, he had taken on the shape of his dad.

He said the topic was “the meaning of life” and all the cool teenagers in New York City had something to say. That was how Ethical Culture worked. The person leading it would say a topic, and then I guess everyone would talk, they would say what they thought. Naturally I had zero interest in the meaning of life, I just liked sitting on the floor and being where all the cool teenagers of New York City were, I didn’t listen to what anyone said. I just looked around to see which boys I thought were cute, or what the cool girls were wearing. Altho oddly enough I still remember what Hank said at the end. It was all over, he hadn’t done any talking all thru it, he said “the meaning of life for me is the meaning I give other people,” which sounded like a profound thing to say, even if it had no meaning to me.

And then the good part came. We all went to Horn & Hardart across the street and I got coca-cola with ice and cheese danish, I always loved to eat. And I sat with Ruthie and Leslie and Sheila, and we watched all the cool kids from New York City walking around Horn & Hardart. We were all too shy to talk to anyone at Ethical Culture, we never did the whole time we went, all we ever did was talk to each other. But O how we loved it. Every Friday we put on our outfit, and took bus and two subways, and went to Ethical Culture, went straight to Philosophy, sat in a big room, where we didn’t understand a word and then to Horn & Hardart for coco-cola and danish.

And then we went home. We loved it. We loved being cool.

But you can understand why, when 4 years after I moved to Tucson and I was chit-chatting with Mike Siegel on the phone, and it turned out we had both gone to Ethical Culture, and he went into raptures about it, “wasn’t it great! O I miss those days so much, we had so much fun,” I thought ‘what am I missing here? how can anyone miss ethical culture, nothing ever happened.…’

Waking up to green garden delight after dark night of dreams

Tucson painting by Felix Pasilis
6:12 AM, Sunday, June 1, 2008
“After the darkest dreams, I wake up to sunlit world”

Well it’s a beautiful morning. So lit up, so green and colorful and blue sky and so much light, such a garden of delight, that it is transforming to look out at it. Because I had dark dark dark dreams all night. I was in such a dark spider-webby world all night, that it is incredible experience to pull my awareness out of that deep darkness and look out at all this prettiness and light. To see in reality it is a beautiful morning taking place, and not such deep darkness. I’m not mad about my dreams tho, because they had such purging effect on me.

I feel like I spent the night in a dungeon and opened my eyes when I woke up to paradise.

I explored the deepest darkest corners of my mind in my dreams. Even that awful place where the awful hot withering breath of fear lives. The awful dragon which lives in the awful dungeon of my mind. The denizen of the dungeon, who presides over the underworld of my mind. He blew his fetid fumes all over me and I experienced his full withering effect. It destroys everything, but beyond that, it destroys all hope. The sign to his horrible underworld really should read “abandon all hope ye who enter here.” It really was awful coming face-to-face in my dream with that experience, being so laid low by it.

But I woke up, saw dawn had just started, shut off all the night lights, put up the coffee, and to my surprise fell back asleep and to my great surprise, I don’t know if I have ever done this before, the dreams took up where they had ended before. To my very big surprise, I was sitting around a room with the very same people, where the awful breath of fear had happened. And the man turned to me, to my big surprise and said “what did you dream?” And I said the dream to him and the group. And to my big surprise he was on my side. I really wanted him to roll up the venetian blinds which covered all the windows, and to let the light stream in, and to my surprise he did it. O it was so nice to see that light stream in the windows. And he suggested we make a movie of my dream, and I thought that was a good idea, I was excited about the project.

And there was a nice dream, a dream where my big cousin Carl and his dad, and me and my dad, were all going to take a vacation together. That was special because Carl’s dad went to Heaven when he was in college, my dad went to Heaven 14 years ago, in the dream we both knew that, which is why it was so special. Father and son, and father and daughter, would all join for vacation together.

And then the last dream. I was in B & H back in New York City on the Lower East Side, on 2nd Avenue between 7th and 8th Streets right by St Marks Place. That is such a tiny hole-in-the-wall restaurant. And for some reason I walked behind the counter to get to the bathroom in the back. I opened the door and went in. But in my dream it had a bathtub in it, with spigot of cold water on one side, and spigot (I hoped) was hot water on the other side. And I filled it with water and I was washing something. And then I woke up to all this light and green paradise out my window.

It was such a change from being in that tiny bathroom in back of B & H, a room no bigger than a closet.

And from meeting the monsters in the deep subterranean realms of my mind.

But it’s still funny to wake up and know those were dreams I needed to have. I needed to have those experiences, that somehow I came out ahead from having them. That some kind of housecleaning on a deep level went on.

Altho I have no idea where I am now. The night before I had had all happy adventure dreams, and woke up happily washed ashore on beach by edge of sea, all was sweetness and light. This was the exact opposite. This is the deep awful monster underworld of my mind. All I feel from going thru it all is very cleansed somehow. Of course I would give anything to believe that after entering the fear mind so totally in my dream, coming face to face with it like that, that I could somehow be free from it. That is all anyone wants. That is what the Mass Awakening is, now exactly two years away. We simply rise up into a consciousness the fear mind can not rise up to. It is the end! Ganug! Good riddance! All over! Good bye to the fear mind!

And I tell you having met it face to face in my dreams last night, it is totally rotten. All it seeks to do is destroy me and my family. Me, my sweet husband, my two sweet dogs.

O well in two years it will be over for everyone. It is on its way out as we speak. We will all open our eyes to paradise together, and remain awake together.

But right at this minute I don’t know where I am in life. Except in this very instant. Watching the sparrow play with himself all thru my tree. Hopping from branch to branch, preening himself on each branch. Rocking back and forth and whistling and then moving on, hip hop to the ground. It is as if my dreams wiped all slates clean.

And all there is, is this garden out my window.

And the morning dove calling off in the distance.

“Happy Adventure Dreams”

Tucson painting by Felix Pasilis

7:22 am, Saturday, May 31, 2008
“Happy Adventure Dreams”

(they say life is coming up for roses for all of us now, so is it starting now)

Well what a night of dreams I had! I never had so many and such vivid dreams. I feel as if I spent the night visiting another universe, or a distant shore, because I was in such another place. Even tho I only remember the first dream I had, before I turned off the light and went to sleep for real, my hunch is it set the tone for the rest of the dreams, which I do not remember. I mean it was all a kaleidoscope mix of all the elements which are in my life. Nothing not down to earth took place in it. At least in that first dream. It was the quality of the dream which was so different. And I am assuming the same kind of dreams went on all night. Because I feel like I have been gently dumped back home, after quite an excursion, quite a night, quite a life of dreams; I had a big night, a huge night. But I have a hunch, from the feeling I had when I woke up, that all the dreams were as satisfying as that first one. I woke up with peaceful feeling. I wasn’t in conflict with myself in that first dream, which made it so satisfying. I had my cake and ate it too, and then made the choice which I knew was the right choice. Hahaha I was realistic in my dream. But it was the right kind of realism. I didn’t feel like I was denying myself. I just thought “this is how it is.”

I don’t remember any of the dreams of the long night which followed, but my hunch is I must not have been in conflict with myself, no matter how dramatic and vivid they were, event filled, story filled. As hard as it is to imagine, I must have sailed thru all kinds of stories and dramas, and events, and remained in harmony with myself. It’s hard to believe because I am someone who can be in conflict with herself just from getting out of bed to fetch a glass of water.

If this is the new age, then this is great. I guess I had always pictured a conflict-free life, as one where nothing happens at all. It never occurred to me it could be the reverse. That there would be far bigger adventure, far bigger choices, more expanded events, much more life going on. But if I am not in conflict with myself, then all it is, is thrilling. It just means life without limiting myself. That’s really what happened in the first dream. I wanted what I wanted and I went for it. And I had it and I loved it. And then I made a realistic choice and changed my mind. And I was satisfied with my choice. That is what I mean by saying I had it all. I know what it is, it is a world without guilt. You just try out every experience you want, you have every experience you want. It is like a feast. It’s like having a huge appetite, and up for everything, and an incredible feast laid before you. Life as the buffet of all buffets. And you have whatever you want. And dance with whatever boy you want to. And all the boys are wonderful and there may be one you like a lot. But at the end you say “I’ll go home with this one, but thanks for the wonderful evening.”