stories of my life in Tucson AZ and NYC

Friday, July 27, 2007

"Activity"

"Pacifica, CA" by Felix Pasilis


Friday, July 27, 2007, 5:05 AM

"Activity"

Dawn in Tucson. First bird has not chirped yet. Just the start of the light. Heavy sleep and heavy dreams. Travel long distance to wake up in morning. Helen was interviewed on radio, the show can be heard on internet. Layla’s video about belly dancing, with backdrop of Manhattan, is on Access TV Tucson. And Jan is ruthlessly cleaning her house, cleaning out dresser drawers and doing ruthless give-away to Good Will. It is a time of great activity after no activity at all. And I, after having posted on no forum at all for past two months, am now posting on 2, one political, one spiritual. Altho I am posting lightly, no one knows better than me how consuming posting can be, and I don’t want to get consumed again.


Posting on a political forum is easy and familiar for me, I have done it for past 7 and a half years. Even tho I didn’t return to the forum I left two months ago, I know most of the people on this new one, we have been together on one forum or another during the past years, and it’s always fun meeting new people. When I first left my other forum two months ago, and posted I am leaving and gave my reason why-- the members of this forum, which is a spin-off of my old one, still lurk on my old one and comment on everything which goes on there on their forum, so I wasn’t so surprised to see a thread there about my leaving.



Nothing in the whole wide world is as gossipy as right-wing news forums. There have been long endless gossipy threads discussing everyone who has ever been on these forums. And there have been a few gossipy threads about me too in the past. These threads are made up of posts which attack you, posts which defend you, and then posts which discuss you ad infinitum. I never read any of the threads about me in the past, I thought I’d get my feelings hurt. And I was extremely surprised I read this one 6 weeks ago. This forum is a much smaller forum, there are not so many posters, and not so many there know me, so it wasn’t a very long thread. And to my amazement I was detached and fascinated. Maybe because I was off the internet, maybe because of the mood I was in, it made no difference whether they said nice things about me or awful things about me. I just found it so interesting I was a topic under discussion.

[Since palo verde is my screen-name, naturally they call me Palo]


One said I was the stupidest person on god’s green earth. And another one said “Palo is not as stupid as she seems.” And another one said “Palo has changed, recently she is not as stupid as she used to be.”

One said “if Palo has left her old forum she is welcomed here.” And another said “she has a lot of apologies to make before she is welcomed here.”

One said “Palo is so stupid, she must be a secret government agent, posting to throw us off the track.” Another said “no, she’s not a secret government agent posting to throw us off the track, she is a hippy from the ‘60s who never grew up.”

And then they lost interest talking about me and began to argue among themselves about the current administration. Ordinarily I find it interesting how everyone sees what is going on in DC now, but in the mood I was in then it was far more interesting reading all about me than DC politics. And I stopped reading when I noticed they never returned to the topic of me.


I guess after that, it was a given if I returned to posting on the net, that would be the forum I would go to. But I didn’t see it that way at the time, I thought I would never post on a political forum again. And I am actually surprised I clicked it on two days ago and began to post about Ron Paul there.


I began to post on a spirit forum too, which I had never done before. And I am liking that experience because it is a totally new experience for me. It is a little like trying to catch a pink cloud in your hands. How do you describe the things which you have never described before, and which you don’t know how to describe. I am used to living with all these experiences, changes in mind and emotions. I live the experiences, think about them, wonder about them. It never crossed my mind before that I had never communicated about them. It is my whole inner life, all the thoughts which make up the whole backdrop to my mind. Trying to put it into words on my new spirit forum is odd and unusual experience.

Saturday, July 21, 2007

"Subtle Foundation Change"

painting by Felix Pasilis

Thursday, July 12, 2007 7:20 AM

"Subtle Foundation Change"

Well my life is in change. I can feel it. It must be the foundation. Because the change is taking place so subtly and gently. It's almost as if someone decided to move a whole house, from here to there, it would have to be done so subtly and gently, so the house does not collapse in the process. Basically from the point of view of the house, it would not even know it was being dug up, being hoisted on a flat bed, and moved to another location. Because by nature houses are permanent structures. They are built from the ground up with a lot of concrete, precisely so they won't move. But I guess if the foundation can be loosened ever so gently, a house can be moved. And I am feeling the finest most subtle changes in my foundation.




On the surface nothing is changing at all. Which I guess is the idea, the house must not be ruffled. I am having the minimalist life I seem to have every hot desert summer, altho this summer it seems even more minimalist than ever. I read library books on my bed, I go to swim pool, I stop at store on way home, and that is it. I line up frosty drinks by my bed so I can sip on them as I read my Agatha Raisin mysteries.





It’s almost like being pregnant watching the fine subtle inner changes taking place in my mind. There is waiting, there is expectancy, and there is sense of something new being born. And a knowing that the simple unruffled surface is not where the action is taking place. Also an odd detachment as if other forces are ruling my life, which I can observe from the outside like the weather. First there was a completely empty week, no one emailed me, no one called on the phone, there was just nothing. And I didn’t write either, it was just a total emptiness. And then to my surprise, late one evening, there was a forwarded email from Helen. “Anne, I thought you'd be interested in this.” And it was from Irene’s friends back in New York about arranging a show of Irene’s paintings. And so I sat down to write to the 6 names on the email list that I thought someone should go to the Museum of Modern Art, talk to curator there, tell them all about Irene and ask for a showing of her art there. It is the logical place for Irene’s work to be shown, she is a modern artist. I had a lot of fun writing that email, thinking about where Irene’s art belonged and how to go about putting it there.




And I got off the machine happy, and went back to read the last chapter of the mystery before I went to bed. And I was glad something new had come into my life and I had something new to think about. But I also knew nothing would happen with Irene’s art, that this was all about having something interesting to email back and forth about. “Good! I am glad for the activity” I thought, “something happening in email.”




Then the next day I found a phone message from Linda Feldman. She had been away at a conference, that is why she had not called me back. And that was a tremendously exciting event in my life. This was a project I really wanted to do, buy her a beautiful birthday card, write it out, select a little present to send her, and hopefully print up some of my stories to send her too. It was so exciting and big, I had to calm myself down, and think “one step at a time, I have all the time in the world.” And there were emails from the girls I had written to about Irene’s art work, so I had emails to answer.





And the next day I found a phone message from Karen, she had finally called me back, and I had asked her to help me preparing my book for publication. So that was another huge thing in my life to think about, what I will ask Karen when I call her back. And there were other little emails too.




And then the next morning, I didn’t do any of the things I said I would do, instead I wrote. And that was a big adventure in my life, to write again. And after the swim pool I did go to the mall and get a spectacular birthday card for Linda Feldman, it is still in my bag, so all of a sudden my life filled up. It went from total emptiness to that first email about Irene’s art show, like the first bird call at dawn, and now it is so full of projects I don’t know where to start.




Yesterday morning I did not do anything about any of my projects. Instead I got out the little story I had written the day before, and I began to edit it. And I worked doing that till I had no more energy to keep going working on it. Then we went to mall for me to return my skirt and buy Bill the 2 T shirts he wanted, and then we went to Randolph Pool, and he went to the weight gym, and I hung out in water. And I watched the day camp children arrive in the pool, and be all excited about the frog in the water. And finally Bill arrived, and I hung out in water while he swam, and then we bought a bag of ice and went home.





And I did not do one solitary thing. I just went to my bed, got out my mysteries, filled up all my cups with icy drinks, had a wonderful delicious lunch with two desserts, and smoked cigarettes and read my mystery. And fell asleep when it got dark. I woke up at 1 AM and checked my email, answered email, and lurked on my political site, I no longer post. And then went back to bed at 2:30.




I woke up at 6. Shut off all the nightlights, put up the coffee and went back to bed. And got up at 7. I decided to write. I didn’t go back to editing my story from two days ago, I didn’t start preparing Linda’s birthday present, I didn’t call Karen back about how to go about publishing my book, I didn’t look for the instruction manual on how to put new print cartridge in my printer, so I can print up my stories for Linda. I just pushed all my new projects out of my mind, and decided to write instead.




The week of total emptiness was so awful that I was thrilled to have projects again. And I am still happy to have projects, it felt so empty having no long distance contact, no emails, no phone calls, only talking to people in swim pool or stores or Bill. I planned to settle down instantly, and happily go about my projects. But the day after they all swam into my life, Bill took me to see “Waitress” at the dollar movie theater, after our swim. He had liked it so much he wanted to see it a second time with me. And the experience of that movie was like an atom bomb going off in my life.




It was billed as a light romantic comedy, and at first it just seemed to have every cliché in the book. Then I was stunned Bill had liked a movie so much about a girl being pregnant and on the phone with her doctor about spotting. When you’re with a guy it takes a while to dawn that the movies they love are the ones which don’t interest you, the only ones they really want to see are “Predator 1” and “Predator 2”. And then finally you have your mind firmly wrapped around that fact. You realize they like all the actors who don’t interest you, and all the movies which don’t interest you. And then out of nowhere they take you to their favorite movie, and it is all about a woman being pregnant and on the phone with her doctor about spotting. And your mind is blown. “I’m a girl” I thought as I watched the movie, “and even I am not interested in being pregnant and spotting. I guess I don’t know my husband at all if this is his favorite movie.”




And so I watched the movie with all its clichés, and the awful husband, who was awful because he was such a drag. You couldn’t get away from him, every other scene there he was again, being such a drag. And she started up an affair with her doctor. So either she was at home with awful husband, or having sex with her doctor, or in the pie diner making a pie with her two fellow waitresses. And either she was 5 months pregnant, or then 9 months pregnant and huge. And then she is in the delivery room, being told to push, and you see her breathing and pushing. And then a baby girl is born. And the first thing she does is break up with her husband, he is in the delivery room. “Go away I never want to see you again!” she says. And when he acts up 5 burly attendants remove him. Then her friends are wheeling her out of the hospital with the baby in her arms. “Back up!” she said when she sees her doctor who she has been having the love affair with. “It’s over,” she tells him, “thank you for the great time, I had a great time, but it’s over, you have a nice wife.” Before she broke up with husband and lover, she had opened up the card from the old man who owned the pie diner. “Start a fresh life, Jenna” he had written and enclosed check for $270,000. And she saw the check, ended her relationship with both men, named her daughter Lulu. And the last scene, the pie diner is now called “Lulu's Pie Diner,” and she is baking pies, and her two year old daughter is in matching apron helping. Then she and her two year old daughter walk off into the sunset together.




And it caused an atom bomb to go off in my life. I came straight home and could not even read any of my mysteries. When I recovered any energy at all I thought about the movie. And finally I realized that little Jewish girl from Queens, who wrote and directed this movie, and acted the part of the other waitress, the silly one-- blew up marriage, blew up monogamy, and by blowing up marriage and monogamy, she had blown up every convention there ever was.




I knew why Bill had loved the movie, because it was brilliant and earthshaking. And it was great art even tho nothing in the movie was real. Altho there is tremendous power watching her be 9 months pregnant. Her pregnancy and her hopelessness gave it its substantiality. And then total liberation at the end, when she has her baby girl and check for $270,000, and she sets off to follow her dreams, which is just to bake pies and be with her darling daughter. She falls in love with her daughter and gets rid of husband and lover.




It took me 8 hours to recover from that movie. A girl had just blown up the world, and it needed to be blown up. And the next morning I began to edit the story I had written the morning before, about the little Navajo girl at swim pool and exchanging my skirt at JC Penney’s. I’m not a girl who blows up anything, I am content to do my little hem stitching on the sidelines. My life is a little girl in swim pool and a wonderful helpful sales lady at JC Penney. But all the movie critics who called the “Waitress” a lighthearted romantic comedy missed the boat. As Bill said when we first got home, It is like when rock 'n' roll first started, it seems like just a few silly lyrics at first, but it rocked the world...

How I Spent July (“The Forty-Niners Club” and "Leticia")

Morelia, Mexico by Felix Pasilis


Thursday, July 5, 2007, 6:50 AM

“The Forty-Niners Club”

Yesterday was July 4th and we went to the 49ers Golf Club to swim in their pool. They had put in a fitness center last year, and advertised on the radio for people to join for $49/month. $49 per month for a whole family, including children up to 21 years old, is a good deal, and the membership includes free twilight golf. I’ve never played golf in my life, except for miniature golf as kid which I loved. But I loved the idea of free extra benefits, and I did fantasize a little about playing golf there too. Those who love golf really really love it.


I called on the phone few days before July 4th to find out if they are open on July 4th, and if we could pay to use their facilities on July 4th. I spoke to Frank, who said he is a pro, just helping manning the phones, and the person in charge is Wendy. But yes they are open on July 4th and they won’t charge me anything to try out their facilities, just come on down. I wasn’t sure how reliable his information was, that they would let us use their facilities for free, since he did propose marriage to me on the phone. But the reason I had chosen it for July 4th, when the public pools are closed, is because it is way to the East and I wanted a beautiful drive in the country. I thought even if the info is all wrong, and we have to turn around and come right home, I will have a drive in the country and I wanted that.


Bill found it easily, and it was nice looking up at the Rincon Mountains to the East and the Catalinas to the North, it’s pretty out there. We saw the swim pool when we drove up, no one was in it, but I was relieved it was outside. I was worried when they built their fitness center they built an indoor pool. There was just one low lying building and the rest was the huge golf course. I had been attracted to it because when I clicked it on the web, I found out it was a very expensive golf course. Membership fees were astronomical, so I thought “this is where the rich people play, and it will be very luxurious.”


I actually liked it that it was just one empty swimming pool, and one low lying building. It was so unimposing, so unobtrusive on the landscape. Just this one short brown stuccoed building and deserted pool. Altho I couldn’t figure out where their new fitness center was, which they had advertised on radio. Bill had made me get out the extra towels which were cluttering all over the back of truck before we left, “we are going to a fancy exclusive golf club, we don’t want to look like ragamuffins.”


When that first building turned out to be all there was, Bill turned around and sat in truck in front of one of the entrances, and I went in to find out. I walked thru a tiny lobby, then the back of a very small restaurant, than thru an air conditioned weight room and then out a door to outside. I said to some of the alte cocker golfers who were just finished playing, “where is the office?” “That is the Pro Shop” they pointed “with the roof hanging over it.”


The sign on the door said “No denim! Only shirts with collars!” And I walked in and asked for Wendy, I was told she was in charge. And she was the woman behind the counter in the Pro Shop. She had short blond hair, was stocky, and was wearing red golf shirt with name of the Club on it. She said “sure try it out,” and “no, we don’t have to pay,” and “there is a guest sign-in sheet next to the towels in the ladies locker-room and she hopes I sign in.” And then she said “have fun!”


So I retraced my steps, found Bill, said “We're in!” and he drove around back to the parking lot and parked the truck. He brought his towel but I didn’t because Wendy had said the locker rooms have towels. We passed Wendy outside, on our way back to where I had started, and introduced her to Bill. And he told her how his friend John from the Racquet Club is a golfer and he suggested he join this Club, but John had joined L.A. Fitness instead. And Wendy said to Bill “Have fun!” and we both thanked her. And we walked back thru the weight room so Bill could see it, and we found men’s locker-room door on the side of the restaurant. And then I found women’s locker-room door. And I changed into my swim suit and went out to the pool.


Only one young woman was swimming, but she called out “you can put your stuff next to mine under the one umbrella.” There were a lot of tables by pool, but only one had the big umbrella open next to it, and it was hot. Then I dived in pool. Then a family with a lot of children arrived and began to play in the pool. And then Bill arrived.


The woman was doing vigorous energetic laps, altho there were no lap lanes. But for the past week, for some reason, I have barely swum in the pool. I just tread water and look around. I guess because it is now too hot to be outside unless you are in a swim pool. So all I do in the swim pool is look around and enjoy the experience of being outside, under the blue sky and hot sun, in the middle of the afternoon. I am just so happy to be outside, and you really can’t be on desert summer afternoons. You always have to be inside, in air conditioning, hiding from the heat. And I love drinking in all that beauty.


Bill and I had desultory chat while she swam her vigorous laps on one side of us, and children played on the other side. Then one of the mothers went up to the restaurant and came back with hamburgers and french fries for her little ones, and they sat around the table and ate it. And they played in the water a little longer, all the water games I played as little kid. And then she finished her vigorous swim and got out. And then the children got out, and family went home. And there was just me and Bill in the pool. I guess we had been there an hour. And it was lovely and so peaceful. And Bill loves the Rincons so much, and we had such good close-up view, and he told me all about the Rincons and the trails to the top.


And it was so lovely and peaceful being in this swim pool, way out in the country, that after we were in the pool by ourselves for another half hour, I said “$50 a month is nothing, I’m going to the pro shop and joining, even if we only come 2 or 3 times a week it is worth it, it’s nice to have this whenever we want.”


And I put on my skirt and high-heeled wedged shoes, and walked thru the air conditioned weight room, outside, and then into the pro shop. And asked the young man with 7 earrings in his ear “where is Wendy?” And he said “she went home for the day.” I said “I want to join, it’s only $50 a month, right? and we can pay month by month, right?” He said “yes, but you have to pay the $100 initiation fee.” “O” I said, “I didn’t know about the additional $100, now I have to think about it.” And he gave me a paper with member information on it, and he said “ignore that part where it says you have to spend $60 each quarter in the restaurant on food or drink, nobody is held to that until we put in the new restaurant.”


So I went back to the pool, took off my skirt and high heels, dived in, and told Bill “they want $100 for initiation fee.” And we dawdled around the pool another half hour. It was just so nice to be there, and I knew we couldn’t come back another time to try out their facilities for free, but we could come back anytime we wanted if we joined. “Big deal, a 100 dollars!” I said, “we never go away for the summer, we never go on trips, we never even get out of town, I’m going to join, I have my Discover Card.” Bill said “be sure to put my name on it.” And he said “then we can come back tomorrow.”


We had been there over two hours now, and were already saying what we would buy at Sunflower Market for our lunch. So we agreed to meet under the eave of the Pro Shop, where they have the ice water set outside for anyone who wants it. And I went into the Pro Shop to tell the young man “sign me up!” He said “only Wendy can do that, why don’t you call, her hours are not definite.” And I said “OK.” But I did think to myself, ‘I have tried to join twice now and both times it didn’t work, maybe it is a sign.’


But it still seemed very appealing this place could be mine. Altho this time when we left the pool we both noticed the hours on the pool. It said “Till July 31,” and it did seem on some days the pool closed at 3. The hours were odd and irregular, but it still seemed it was open at the time we would swim. But I wondered what August swim hours were.


There was no jacuzzi or steam room or sauna, none of the things other clubs offer. The weight room offered the most beautiful view of the Catalina Mountains, it would be nice to watch that thru the floor-to-ceiling windows as Bill was working out. But I had a hunch it wasn’t the greatest weight room in the world. The swim pool was old, and a little cracked, altho perfect for me of course. And the woman’s dressing room was just the luxurious powder room which went with the restaurant. Altho somehow they had managed to hook up one shower in the back, but it was just a shower nozzle, not a real shower.


Their new fitness facility didn’t offer much in the way of facilities. Its big attraction was for golfers, they could play free twilight golf as part of the package. However the only facilities Bill and I really wanted-- I wanted the pool and Bill wanted a weight room. And even tho it wasn’t the greatest weight room, to have that beauty to look at while he worked out. And it wasn’t the greatest swim pool, some of our city swim pools are far better, but it offered all the beauty around me while I swam, and that perfect peace and loveliness. Unless someone was a golfer, they would not leave L.A. Fitness to join this.


But it sure was the perfect way to spend July 4th. It was like being at a resort in the country. And I couldn’t get away from the feeling, that for our specific desires, it was perfectly suited for us. I just wish it had a better shower, and of course a jacuzzi would be nice. It is too relentless trapped in town all summer. And as Bill said, “we could join for July, August, and September, the big heat usually leaves second week of October.”


Before we actually went and checked it out, I recommended it to everyone. After we spent the day there, I wouldn’t recommend it to anyone, except for us. It is for someone who wants to spend the afternoon in the golf course’s swim pool and whose husband likes to work out. My hunch is we won’t wind up joining. That its purpose was to give us a great July 4th, and to open our eyes to ways to expand our life. But I’m not sure this will be the way....

Post Script, we did not join.


Morelia, Mexico by Felix Pasilis


Tuesday July 10 2007

“Leticia”

We went to Randolph pool yesterday because Bill wanted to use the weight lifting gym and join me in the pool afterwards for a dip. There was no one in the pool when I arrived and then I noticed there was a young girl there playing in the water. I chose my lane, put my stuff down slipped off my skirt and dove in. It was nice to be in the water, it was blistering hot day. After I swam a lap or two the young girl swam over to me. “Hi” she said. “Hi” I said. I guess she wanted someone to play with, but I forgot that is what children want, so I did what grown-ups do, I made conversation. “What is your name?” she said. “Anne” I said, “what is yours?” “Leticia” she said. “That’s a pretty name, what does it mean?” “I don’t know” she said. “Is it Spanish?” I asked. “Yes” she said, “but I’m not Spanish.” “What are you?” I asked. “Native American” she said. “Ooooh” I said in a pleased excited voice. “Which tribe?” I asked. “Navajo” she said. “Oooooh” I said in pleased excited voice, “that is great, they are such beautiful artists and they are so brilliant.” “I can sing” she said. “That is wonderful” I said, “I can’t carry a tune.” “Can you speak Navajo?” I asked. “Yes” she said. “What is the word for love in Navaho?” I asked. She thought and said “there is no word for love.” “How can there not be a word for love” I asked, “it is the only word which counts, you can throw away all the other words.” “I can say ‘hello’ in Navajo” she said. “O good” I said “teach me how to say hello in Navaho.” Of course I already forgot, altho I practiced it 5 times in swim pool, maybe something like ‘tikrit.’ It’s a nice word, and it’s nice to be able to say hello in Navaho. Hello is a good word.


I said “you are bilingual if you can speak Navajo and English, I would have been bilingual too if my parents had taught me Yiddish, they can speak it because their parents came from Russia and Poland and it was all they spoke at home till they started kindergarten and learned English. But they didn’t teach it to me and my brother and they spoke Yiddish to each other when they didn’t want us to understand what they were saying. And they said Yiddish at us when they got fed up with us. ‘Stop hocking a chinik already!’ my mother would say if I was pestering her too much. That means ‘go away! get out of my hair! shut up already!’ And my father said ‘meshuginar’ when he was mad at someone at work. ‘He’s a meshuginar’ my father would say.” “That means crazy,” I told Leticia, and I made the crazy sign by my head.


Leticia was not one bit interested, so I asked her if she has dogs and cats. She said she has dogs and cats and a horse and cows and chickens and sheep. “Do you live on a ranch?” I asked her. “No” she said. “You have all those animals in your yard in Tucson!” I asked. “No” she said, “I don’t live in Tucson.” “Where do you live?” I asked. “Up north” she said. “In Arizona?” I asked. “Yes” she said. “Where?” I asked. “Blue Gap” she said. “Is that desert or forest?” “Both” she said.


I said “that is all my dreams, I always wanted dogs and cats and chickens and cows and a horse and sheep, you got all my dreams. Is there a place to swim? Do you have a pool or lake or river close by?” “Yes” she said, “a lake.” “A lake!” I said, “my favorite, nothing is as sweet as a lake, I love lakes.”


“Where is the lake” I asked. “It is right there.” “You live right by a lake! O Leticia you got all my dreams, I am so happy for you.” “Do you like lakes” I asked. “Yes” she said, “I love the mud.” “Me too!” I said, “I love the mud. Altho rivers are fun, I swam in a river once, it is so much fun to swim two strokes and then you notice you are a whole mile downstream. A pool isn’t as nice as a lake and river, but it is sure better than nothing at all, I am so happy this pool is here.”


“Are you visiting family in Tucson?” I asked. “I am staying with my aunt.” “Have you been to the mall and the movies, they are fun.” She said “I’ve never been to a movie.” “Tell your aunt the movie costs one dollar.”


“I can sing a song in Navajo” she told me. “Will you sing it to me?” I asked. “Yes” she said. And then she sang the most beautiful song I ever heard in the prettiest voice I ever heard. I can’t describe it except to say, it’s as if always in your mind is the idea of the prettiest song in the world, in the prettiest voice. And it’s as if your whole life you waited to hear it, and none of it was that song, but some songs have a little of it. And none of it is the same voice, but some voices have a little of it. And finally you heard it. It’s the song and the voice which all the others come from, and which are always trying to get back to. It is the prettiest thing in the whole world. Pure enchantment for the ears, pure delight for the ears, pure joy. “That is prettier than birdsong, Leticia” I said, “and I didn’t think there was anything prettier than birdsong, that is beautiful.”


The children started to arrive in the big pool on other side where there are no lanes, and Leticia began to look over there longingly. Finally she said “let’s swim over there.” “You go,” I said, “I like swimming back and forth in the lanes.” So Leticia went over to find someone to play with, and then the 5 day camps Randolph runs let out, or had swim time, so a gazillion children arrived, and I saw Leticia found friends to play with, she was doing the cannon ball off the sides with them. And then I swam a long time by myself, or dawdled around in the water, waiting for Bill. And then he arrived. And while he was fitting swim glasses and sitting at the end, I called out “Leticia!” I wanted her to sing the Navajo song for Bill, but she didn’t hear me so I let it go. And Bill floated on his back for half an hour, and dawdled in the pool some more. And then I said “I’m going to shower,” and I saw a young woman arrive and call out “Letty!” “What?” Leticia called back. “Time to go!” the young woman said. “Why?” Leticia said. “Time to go!” the young woman said. So Leticia got out, and I figured that was her aunt. She was older than I thought she was when I saw her out of the water, I think she may be 12, she had actual height, and was not a little girl.


Then I quickly showered, their shower is awful, almost no water pressure, and it was steaming hot in there, and dressed, and went to the car. And Bill arrived few minutes later. “Let's get Linda Feldman’s birthday card” I said, “it is her birthday.” “We can go to the art store in the mall” Bill said, “they will have nicer cards, something Linda will like.” I had planned to get Linda very schmaltzy very expensive Hallmark card, I wanted to express all that mushy love, I totally dote on Linda, I totally love Linda, and this was the first birthday card I was buying her. But every time Bill picks out a card it is the most wonderful card in the world, and I loved it that he was enthusiastic about getting her a card and wanted to be part of it. “OK” I said, “drop me in front of JC Penney’s, I will look around, you can go to the sports store and see if there are any T shirts or caps on sale, and we will meet in the art store.”


I wanted a new pretty skirt. But of course I had to walk thru pocketbooks to get to skirts, and of course I saw pretty pocketbooks, and of course I had bought two the last time I was there, and of course I said “I am not allowed to have another pocketbook,” and of course I chose 3 and put them on my arm, to decide which one I wanted. And then at the end of the pocketbook section, I put down the two red ones, I had bought a red one last time, and kept the navy blue one, I love navy blue, it had been the first one I chose. And then I looked at skirts on clearance. They didn’t have any new ones in. The prettiest skirts were the ones I got last time. They had been 60 per cent off then, now they were 10 dollars. One I had worn every day, the other was still in the bag. I wasn’t sure if this one was the same as the other, I had never looked that closely at the other, but it was pretty and I wanted it. I decided I would ask her to hold it for me while I went home to see if the one I had at home was the same.


The girl at check-out was the same one who had been there last time and she remembered me and gave me warm welcome. I asked her about the pocketbook first. “Do you think it’s cute?” I asked her, “and how much is it?” I had gotten it from the sale rack. She said “yes it is cute, let me see” and then she said “it is 14 dollars.” “O” I said, “14 dollars is not that much, but I just bought two pocketbooks last time and I have so many pocketbooks, I’m a girl who should not be buying more pocketbooks.” But it was such a big reduction and I liked it very much, so I said “OK I’ll get it, now let’s look at the skirts.”


She liked the tan one better. She said “it’s prettier.” I said “I might already have bought it but I never wore it.” She said “if you didn’t wear it and it has its tags and you have the receipt, buy this one, bring that one back, and you can have the money back.” “Can I do that” I asked. “Yes” she said. “The problem is finding the receipt” I said, “I’ll look in the bottom of all my pocketbooks.” But then I looked in my wallet and there was the receipt. She took it to the computer and typed in the numbers, she said “it is the same skirt.” And she said “if you bring it back, you will get $11.50 back.” I said “$11.50, that’s a lot, that would make my new pocketbook only 5 dollars, which would be wonderful, I’ll do it.” I said “the other skirt is exactly my size, this one is one size bigger, what should I do?” I said “it’s only an inch, maybe it’s worth it.” “Yes,” she said, “do it.” “OK” I said, “thank you.”


“What about this skirt?” I said holding up the other one. She said “it is 7 dollars now.” “That is a great price” I said, “I’ve worn the other one every day, but sometimes I don’t want to put it on because I’ve had so many emotions this past month, it’s been so up and down, and I wore the skirt all thru my emotions, so I like the idea of something fresh.” She said “the colors are dark.” I said “I know, but I have discovered when I wear the skirt in the house all the time it’s better to have dark colors, because I am always feeding the dogs or doing stuff in the kitchen, and it never picks up stains, is it worth it to get it just cause it is fresh, and I don’t look at it and remember emotions?” She thought and said “maybe it is.”


So each skirt was 7 dollars, the pocketbook was 14, it was not so bad. “You have been very helpful to me, I appreciate it” I said, “when I return the other skirt and get $11.50 back, can I bring it to you?” “Yes” she said, “I will do it for you.” “My husband said he was going to do weight lifting every other day, so I will be back in 2 days, is that OK?” “That is perfect” she said.

“You really helped me” I said, “you did great, I could never have done this without you.” “Would you be willing to fill out the paper saying I was helpful” she asked. “I would be glad to.” So she gave me the very small paper. I said “what is your name?” “Selena” she said. I didn’t fill in the top part which asks about the number of station she is at. I just wrote in comments that “Selena really helped me and I am so appreciative, and she was expert and sensitive and very helpful, and I am lucky to have had her.” And I signed my name and gave my phone number. I gave it to her to read, and I said “I hope compliments don’t embarrass you Selena, they embarrass me, altho I love them.” She said “they don’t embarrass me” and she read what I wrote.


And then I went to find Bill in the art store. He was sitting on bench outside. “I found two cards” he said, “they are nice, altho you can look at all of them, see which one you like.” He showed me the first one he chose and I thought it was fantastic, I loved it. He couldn’t find the second one with the wolf altho he looked and looked. So I said “I will buy this one I love it.” “Linda will like it” he said, “it has the cactus and the hummingbird and it is not sentimental and it has that great message inside.” I had planned to get Linda something totally sentimental, but this card was great, it was much brighter happier and more glorious than any sentimental card, it will light up her day.


I paid for it and he said “put it away carefully, you don’t want it to get dirty.” “I will take good care of it” I said, and I put it in the JC Penney bag with my purchases.


“When are you going to weight lifting again?” I asked as we walked thru JC Penney back to the parking lot. “The day after tomorrow” he said. “I can return my other skirt, she said I can have $11.50 if I do.” “Yes” he said, “I saw a red Wildcats T shirt on sale with the wild cat on it, that is what everyone wears to the football games, it was on sale for $4 I will buy it.” “I will give you the money” I said, “because I will have $11.50.” Great!” we both said.


And stopped and bought a bag of ice and drove home.

Sunday, July 01, 2007

"Hahaha Intensity" (big heat, finally rain)

Morelia, Mexico by Felix Pasilis

Friday July 20, 2008 5:30 AM

"Hahaha Intensity" (big heat, finally rain)

Huge rain in middle of night, lightning storm in the evening, so morning is transformed world. Cool air, wet ground, and still misty because it is so close to dawn. A woodsy smelling and looking world, what heaven! We went thru too much blistering heat for too long, so this relief and refreshment now is like a dream-come-true. There still is a “pinch me, can this be real” feeling, we had been prisoners in that hot hell for so long.




It was a huge pressure, that is the only way I can describe it. When something that uncomfortable lasts that long, and is ear-marked by relentlessness, it turns into a huge pressure. Oddly enough I began to crack from it yesterday afternoon, the kind of hairline crack which opens up after too much pressure for too long. I woke up and did some emailing, and then in the middle of it, the emails refused to send, and internet went down too. So I sat on phone long time waiting for someone from my cable company to tell me what to do. And when I finally got to speak to Yvonne, she sounded like she was in another world. This was not your crisp, helpful, efficient voice, but like talking to a sleepwalker. Either she was silent, or occasionally she giggled. But I did find out the cable internet was down in my area, and they had no idea when it would be fixed. “OK” I said to Yvonne, “I’ve been trying for a month to send my friend Linda her birthday card and birthday presents, now I will do it.”




So I got out Linda’s beautiful card and wrote it out. And found her new address and addressed the envelope. And then I decided I would look for some of the stories I had printed up last year, to see if there were some I could send her as a pamphlet. That was a big deal. Back in NYC, before internet email computer, when it was just typing up your stories and making xerox copies to send your friends, I was actually fairly organized. I had two file cabinets, and put things in folders and could find them if I wanted to find them. For some reason in Tucson I haven’t bothered to be organized at all. I just shove everything into piles, and when the piles get too big, I shove the whole piles in bottoms of file drawers. Which is fine if you want to do no work at all. It means a ton of work has fallen out of my life, but it also means it is simply not possible to find anything. And I am sorry to say I think it means procrastination. I mean eventually I am going to have to get out all those piles shoved into bottoms of filing drawers and sort thru them, if I am going to want to find anything. Yesterday was the first day I wanted to find anything, so the problem didn’t really emerge till yesterday. I wanted to find a few stories to send Linda, and I wanted to find a color xerox of one of Bill’s paintings to use as a cover.




Actually it wasn’t that bad finding the xeroxes of the stories from last year. They had all been in a black leather satchel on floor of my bedroom closet from when I brought them home from xerox store last year. And sat there in that big black leather pocketbook for nearly whole year, till I decided they should not be on floor of my bedroom closet. I took them out of the black pocketbook and shoved them into the bottom of a small wood cabinet I bought from Caren when she moved to Mexico during the winter.




So I opened up the doors of the small wood cabinet and took out everything I thought was there and sat on floor to see what was there. My dog Beanie thought it was very interesting and exciting that I was sitting on the floor next to my computer instead of on the chair. And so he walked on and sat on the stories as I was trying to find out what was there. It was very hard to get him to budge. There seemed to be only 3 stories there, altho badly organized and with missing pages, and some I seemed to have printed up 3 different ways. So I thought “OK, if it’s only 3 stories from 2 years ago, fine! let me just find the last page to each story, and find a color xerox to use as cover.” So I put together 3 stories, but then for some reason I shoved my hand in the wood cabinet again, and another pile was in there. And it seemed to contain two more stories to add, so now I had 5.




Of course the ones I thought Linda would love best were not there, I guess I never got around to printing those up, but at least I had five. I just had to go thru the second pile and find the two other stories, and make sure they had all their pages. Some were xeroxed double-sided and some single-sided, and some I seemed to have left out some pages. Beanie came back in when I got out the second pile, walked on them and sat on them, and I had to wait till he decided to move. But I had stories and it was easy. There was one color xerox of a painting in there with them, but it was frayed around the edges, and I wasn’t sure it was the one I wanted. And I wanted one for back cover too. But when I started to open up my file drawers, to find a folder of Bill’s color xeroxes, that is when I saw what an atrocious mess it all was. There was no way I would ever find it in all this mess.




However 4 years ago a guy had called me because he was writing a book about women’s liberation, he was a professor at a college in West Virginia, and I had promised to send him an article I had written about it few years before. It was actually a letter to someone, but in the letter I had made some good insights about women’s liberation, I had a clear bead on it. I had made one feeble attempt to find the letter at the time to send him and gave up. And to my amazement yesterday morning, while looking for Bill’s color xeroxes, I found it in manila envelope stacked in a file drawer. I have a hunch his book is long since published, he likes to write about controversial topics, and he writes his books fast. The one before this book on women’s liberation was about something very controversial in WW 2. I had saved his address in a pile for 4 years, somewhere else, and I have no idea if I held on to it during my last attempt 6 months ago to do something about my piles of paper. I might have thought “his book is long since published, and I will never find my letter about women’s liberation,” and finally threw out his letter to me asking for it. Altho it’s possible I just moved it around. In any case if I find his letter to me with his name and address and remember where I put my letter about women’s liberation, I will send it to him. I don’t care if the book is already published, it is something I have been planning to accomplish for 4 years, and I will just do it, and I will never have to think about it again.




I gave up looking for Bill's color xeroxes and decided I would use that one, the only one I could find, even tho it was worse from wear. All I wanted in the whole world was to finally accomplish Linda’s birthday present, it had taken me a month to reach this point. So I put the cover on top of the 5 stories I had organized for her. I put the birthday card on top. I found the big stapler, dusty in a corner, and asked Bill to put a big staple in. But he was sitting in the chair by open front door. His plan was to go to Randolph Pool which opens at 1 PM, so he could dump me in the pool and use their weight-lifting gym. It was hard waiting around that hot house with nothing to do till it started to get to be near the time, even tho we would use up some of the time by going to Post Office first, to send off Linda’s package, and then to library so I could return my books and take out new ones.




We both got grumpy as we thought about waiting around till 1 PM. So I decided I would lie on my bed and look out the window till it was time to go. But before I got onto bed I impulsively reached out my hand to my little bedside table to see which bracelet was there. I had been planning to send Linda the small delicate Navajo bracelet with the exquisite purple stone, and maybe also the simple larger one with the big Arizona turquoise, and had begun polishing up the silver on the purple bracelet. But when I stuck out my hand, the bracelet which came into it, was the fancy expensive one, with a lot of silver, and gorgeous turquoise with gold speckled thru the turquoise. It is my fanciest bracelet. And I realized I could use up my time, while waiting till 1 PM, just sitting on my bed and polishing up that one for Linda. So I decided to do it. I used my bed sheet, it was cotton, and polished up all the silver, till it turned silvery and shiny again. And then polished the stone too so it gleamed. In one of my researches thru my file drawers, I had found a gold jewelry box with that fluffy padded stuff in it, I guess it had been the box for one of my bracelets, and I had gotten it out, and put it with Linda’s package. So I put the bracelet in that one. And then found a beautiful pair of turquoise earrings. For some reason the silver polished up in an instant, it was not a big job, and I polished up the turquoise too so it gleamed, and found a very small gold jewelry box with padded stuffing for that. And I had Linda’s whole package. Just then Bill began grumbling, he couldn’t take it anymore, sitting around waiting. So I said “let’s go now, we'll go to Post Office, you can staple the booklet for me, and I can send it off, then we'll go to library and just hang around the air conditioning in library till it is time for pool to open."




So we walked into the inferno and got into the truck, and Bill carried the huge heavy dusty stapler in, and I brought my package for Linda, as well as all my library books to return. Bill stapled it perfectly, he did very nice job. And Post Office was empty. I showed the postman the bracelet, the earrings, and the booklet of stories, and the birthday card in its envelope with address written out, and he said “your friend in New York will like it, it’s a pretty bracelet and pretty earrings.” He scotch-taped the two jewelry boxes for me and put it all in a postal envelope and looked up how much it cost by 2 Day Rate and for Parcel Post. Parcel Post takes 9 days, it was only 2 dollars cheaper, so I decided to go with the 2 Day Rate. I was excited that Linda would actually get all this, and get it soon.




I was thrilled that it was accomplished. I felt I had been amazingly lucky to have accomplished it in 2 hours, my original plans had been far more complex, and would have involved 3 trips to xerox store among other things. It wasn’t everything I dreamed for sending Linda, but it was fast efficient and done. And I knew when your friend sends you a Navajo bracelet from Arizona, that no matter how beautiful purple stone is, all you want with all your heart is turquoise. Whether Linda will actually wear the bracelet I don’t know, but it will take her breath away when she sees it, and this is what you most want for a birthday present, for someone to leap with joy.




In the library I went to the ladies room and changed out of the dress I had worn for the post office into cool cotton top and skirt. And sat there with nothing to do and watched the clock. Then I asked the girl for scissors and went to ladies room and cut the top of my hair, where it was too long and getting in my eyes, and watched the clock some more. Then I went to find Bill to ask him if he wanted to stop at Feig’s first, the Jewish store, to get kaiser rolls. I had bought all that hamburger meat and forgotten to get hamburger rolls. And each morning when he made his hamburger for lunch, he protested about putting it on rye bread and wished he had a kaiser roll from Feig’s.




He said “what time is it?” I said “12:30.” He said “OK we'll leave.” But he had parked so far out in the parking lot because he had kept looking for shade, and it was such a hot walk to the car. I was walking very slowly and wished just for once Bill would do what everyone else does, which is park as close to the building as he could. He always has some reason for parking far out, I guess he likes an exposed space to get out of. He said “why are you walking so slowly?” I said “it is hot.” He said “if you can’t take the heat move to San Diego.” He said “do you want me to drive the truck around and pick you up at the entrance?” “YES!” I said “YES! thank you.”




When we got in the truck he said “let’s skip Feig’s.” I said “but pool doesn’t open till 1 PM, I will die if I have to stand outside in the heat for 20 minutes, let stop at a convenience store and get me a huge iced soda.” He said “is the gas station OK?” I said “perfect!”




For some reason I was completely wiped out. I don’t know why yesterday was the first time the heat finally got to me. It wasn’t that yesterday was hotter, altho it was blistering beyond belief, it was as if the whole summer accumulated in me. The little store on side of gas station had one small hard chair to sit in. I just sat down and said to Bill “I can’t do a thing, you make me the soda, you pay for it, I am just sitting here, I want a Sprite.” He made me a 32 ounce Sprite. “Fill it up with ice” I said, and took the pack of Vienna Fingers on my right from the shelf, handed it to Bill and said “pay for this too.” And then he handed me my soda, my cookies, and I sat in the little hard chair, in the small air conditioned room, sipped on my ice cold soda, and felt happy for the first time all day. That is all I wanted in the whole world, to sit quietly in air conditioning, sip on a big ice cold soda, eat my Vienna Fingers, and talk to the women behind the cash register.