I take Alice out for lunch on her birthday

Dove and Hawk by Layla Edwards
Tuesday, July 22, 2008, 5:50 am

Well Helen is in New York, her big brother Eddie is in New York. Helen’s mom had 8 brothers and sisters, and the cousins’ reunion is taking place in New York now. Helen must have a zillion cousins. And they are flying in from all over the country for the cousins’ reunion, their children and grandchildren too.

It was Helen’s idea and she organized it, and she finessed it too. It required a lot of finessing because not everyone wanted to go. When a California cousin said “I’m not going!” it had ripple effect. Helen’s sister and her cousin Margot said “if she’s not coming, then neither am I!” It rippled out to half the reunion. So Helen had to beg and to join with two other cousins to offer to pay the airplane ticket. So she’s coming and that brought back the whole ripple effect.

As far as I could make out from Helen’s hurried phone call about this yesterday, as she was on her way to Wal-Mart to buy an electric toothbrush for the trip. It is 7 dollars at Wal-Mart and 90 dollars everywhere else. Helen was still in Maui yesterday, she flies to New York City today. The conversation ended when she reached Wal-Mart, so she must have called me as she was driving there. Everyone is coming except the cousin who lives in Minnesota. Helen is heartbroken about this. “I have not seen her in 40 years” she wailed. Helen wants to see her and meet her children and grandchildren, and said “maybe she can make a video of her family and send it to us so we can play it at the reunion.” There are also the cousins who are too depressed to go, Helen mentioned two of them, the two depressed cousins, but maybe they are showing up, I am not clear on that.

It certainly sounds like a huge event, my mind boggled just hearing about it. I can’t imagine flying all the way across the country and going to a family reunion. To me it all sounds as amazing, as dramatic, as exciting as going to Mars, it seems like a totally earthshaking thing to do.

I considered it an amazing experience in my life when I took Alice out for her birthday few days ago. That is why it seems so gargantuan what Helen is doing. Because just taking Alice to Village Inn on her birthday on Saturday, 3 days ago, was earthshaking event in my life.

Alice had really wanted me to do her astrology chart and the charts of her two sons, ever since she found out I could do that. And even tho I did try to figure out how I could do it, at that time I didn’t know if my printer was working, so it would mean her coming here, and us looking at computer together. Or doing it on phone while we both looked at the horoscopes up on the computer. When I was on a New Age site briefly last summer, someone posted “here is the link to a free astrology chart site.” So it only took 5 minutes for me to get all 3 charts up on my machine, and I did send the links to Alice. But the meaning of a chart is in its interpretation and Alice wanted that, and that is a big deal.

And so I just put it off until Alice generously got Bill in the art show about 6 weeks ago. I was ecstatic about that! Bill was ecstatic about that! It was such an incredibly huge favor! She had simply casually generously spontaneously offered it. When I wrote back my amazed happiness and amazed gratitude to her and said “if ever there is any favor I can do for you Alice, just ask, I will be overjoyed to do it.” And she said she wants the 3 astrology charts and I emailed back “of course!” Now I really wanted to do it, I wanted to make Alice happy in anyway I could.

And Friday, when I realized Alice must be back from Mexico (she had gone for two weeks, she has a farm there from when she had lived there for 20 years, and one of her sons is living on the farm now). I wrote “Welcome back Alice! Did you have a nice time?” And she wrote about the early birthday party her son had thrown for her in Mexico. And I remembered Alice’s birthday would be right about now. I emailed back “When is your birthday? Is it today or tomorrow or the next day?” I planned I would send her a very nice email card on her birthday. And she emailed back “it is tomorrow, want to get together for it?” And I realized the time is now! I emailed back “let’s do your astrology charts on your birthday, I will take you to Village Inn.” And Alice emailed back “great.” She was happy about it.

And so I planned it all out with my Higher Self, she had good suggestions. She suggested Village Inn, because it is a family restaurant, it is very close by, it is air conditioned, it is very comfortable, we can sit in a booth next to each other, and we can spend all afternoon there. She said Alice may want a drink on her birthday (Village Inn has no alcohol), but she said it is better for her to be clear-minded, astrology takes concentration and focus. And she reminded me that Bruce always went to Village Inn for crepes suzettes and maybe Alice would like that.

And Alice emailed back great, great, great, to all. The morning before her birthday, while the plumber was working on trying to get the bathtub to drain (that story did not have a good ending, he said the tree roots are growing into the pipes, that is why it won’t drain, the roots are clogging it, and to get the roots out of it I would have to take out the bathtub, break up the floor, then put the bathtub back, and then put the floor back, and it costs $4000. So I decided I would just shower in Bill’s shower, I am going to let the bathtub go)-- But while the plumber was here finding out what the problem was, and Bill was sitting outside with Beanie, so Beanie would not be in plumber’s way, I crossed my fingers and tried to put in the inkjet myself in printer. Usually Bill does that for me. And I did it! And I figured out how to print all 3 charts for Alice. Actually that was when all systems were on go. That is when I emailed Alice “I printed up the charts!” And said “pick me up at 2:30 on Saturday, we will be back from swimming then, Village Inn is just 2 miles away, we will go there, and I will do it, and I will treat you to lunch.” And I wrote out the directions to my house and my phone number.

And after I calmed down from the plumber drama, I remembered the beautiful red bathing suit I bought last month which is 2 sizes too small. So I emailed Alice “what size suit do you wear?” And Alice emailed back the two sizes she wears, the suit is the bigger size. So I said “I have pretty red suit maybe it will fit.” And the white linen skirt, simple but nice, is also Alice’s size, two sizes too small for me. I don’t know what had possessed me to buy them. But I had desperately needed a treat, it was dark time in my life, and the discount store didn’t have anything in my size, just these pretty items 2 sizes too small. So I had thought “maybe I can stretch them and make them fit.”

But they were still in the bag, and it was Alice’s birthday, and it is size she wears. I was getting very excited about Alice’s birthday party. On the way home from the pool, the day of Alice’s birthday, I did have Bill stop at Ross again to see if they had the red suit in exactly her size. But they had trillion beautiful bathing suits last month and none on Saturday. I was very lucky to have that beautiful red one for Alice at home. And it is a knock-out, one of those dream bathing suits. A beautiful red and a beautiful design.

And when we got home I decided I would give Alice Eat, Pray, Love too. Margot gave me that book as gift and I loved it, and I thought Alice might like it too. I was getting together a little bag of her presents, the red bathing suit, the white linen skirt, the book Eat, Pray, Love.

And of course the astrology charts in a manila envelope. And extra paper and pens for Alice to take notes if she wanted to.

And when Alice arrived I invited her in. I knew Bill would want to see her. She sat at the big table and when she said she was thirsty, she chose iced limeade in tall glass. And when she got out her tobacco to roll a cigarette, I brought in my pack of cigarettes. And said “let me give you a carton of cigarettes for your birthday, I get them on the internet, they are so inexpensive.” So I added a carton of cigarettes to her birthday package. I was sailing in bliss because I thought "these are all great birthday presents." And when Alice arrived, I saw the suit and skirt would fit her perfect, they are Alice’s size.

And I showed her some of Bill’s paintings up on the walls of the house. Bill didn’t want me to bring Alice into my bedroom and computer room because of such a mess. But he had cleaned the rest of the house beautiful few days before, and I thought Alice could handle the such-a-mess in my 2 rooms. And it was interesting the paintings she loved. And when she got back to the table she said “we,” referring to her and Bill as artists. Which is nice. Alice has been in art shows all over the world, and Bill has just been in Dahlia’s show, the one Alice arranged for him to be in with her. And it is first time Alice saw any of his work, other than the 4 paintings in Dahlia’s show.

And then I noticed Beanie would not leave Alice alone. He had his nose by her legs wherever she went, so softly, gently, like kissing her. And when she sat down to smoke her cigarette, drink her iced limeade, and chat with Bill, Beanie went right under her legs. He was completely smitten with Alice.

And my heart soared up with joy. Dogs love visitors, but I am not in the era of visitors. 18 months ago Jim came to watch Superbowl with Bill, so Beanie had a visitor then, he loved Jim. And Saturday was his second visitor, Alice, and he gave his heart to Alice, he would not be away from her. O Margot, that’s right, when we first got Beanie, Margot was in the yard with him, and she petted him, and Beanie wanted those pets to go on forever. It was a big love affair, Beanie loved Margot. That was a long time ago tho.

This was Saturday, I watched him spend every instant trying to be close to Alice. She wasn’t aware of him. She wasn’t aware of what he was doing until I pointed it out, and Alice said how she loves dogs. It’s interesting that Beanie’s love for Alice did not spring from her giving him any attention. He was content to just love and be close to her. It was truly a beautiful and wondrous thing for me to behold.

Alice decided she would order the crepes suzettes when I told her that is what Bruce always had there, altho I don’t know if either of us knew what it was. And my Higher Self had told me “give the waitress 5 dollars when you first arrive, because you will be there long time, so no one else can sit at that table, and we don’t want her to lose money on tips.”

And when we arrived I said to the guy who seats you and hands you the menu, “it is Alice’s birthday and I’m going to do her chart,” and he brought us right to very nice table in booth. And when the waitress arrived, I explained it all to her, and gave her the five dollars. And she was an angel. And we both ordered iced tea and Alice ordered her crepes. And my Higher Self said “let her eat her food first, so she can enjoy it, then do the charts.” And Alice loved it.

And then I took out the charts and moved over to sit next to her. I was incredibly rusty at doing charts. I did one for Jan two years ago, one for Harry 8 years ago, and I would talk about astrology with Nicole about 14 years ago. And I only thought about astrology extremely occasionally over past 10 years. It was something I used to always think about, I was always studying it in my mind. Till I read A Course In Miracles and I began to think about other things all the time instead. About God and Heaven and perception, and how the mind works.

That is why I was so insecure. I wasn’t close to astrology in my mind, I had been away from it. Plus I had already had momentous day before we even got to the chart. Alice had been a guest in our house and we never have visitors, it was thrilling for all of us. We had date in restaurant and ordered something to eat, and I never go out with girlfriends to restaurants anymore. A lot had already happened in my life where nothing ever happens in.

But I did my best, which is what I promised Alice I would do. I was a little frustrated because I am used to interpreting charts I draw up myself, and I had a very hard time reading and understanding the chart the computer made. But luckily Alice recognized the symbols for the Signs, and saw where they began, she was very helpful.

I would say I gave a terrible reading, because at no point was my mind crystal clear, I was not on all 8 cylinders. For me it was like driving a car which is riding rough, the motor acting up, and swerving all over the place. But maybe it was the right reading for Alice. Because when I gave her the information, and was going to try to crystal clearly put it together, to give its meaning, and my mind drew a blank, Alice supplied it. Given the facts, she was able to put it together and see what it meant for herself, and in her own language. Some words mean a lot to me, some words mean a lot to Alice, and so she used her words, and that was good.

When I wanted a cigarette break-- I had purposely put a pack of cigs in my purse and two lighters, so I could walk outside for a cigarette, I couldn’t find my pack of cigs. But luckily I had given Alice a carton of cigs for her birthday. So she gave me her keys, I went to the car, and took out a pack of cigs.

It was long reading because of doing Alice’s two sons too. And she told me all about her sons as we were doing it, what they were like as children, what they are doing now, what they are like now. But luckily, the more my mind started to sputter and malfunction, the clearer Alice got. Lucky for me, it turns out she has real talent for astrology. It was very much a joint effort. And when I got out my chart to show her the contrast, to explain something to her, she looked at the shape of my chart and said “Look! It looks like pyramids, you have 5 pyramids here, you are involved in 5 different things.” Which seemed so interesting to me because it is true and I never thought about it. It was an interesting way to see and understand my life.

Alice is a very talented astrologer, maybe even more talented than me. She has genius. She just didn’t have the knowledge about astrology, what the Planets and Houses and Signs mean. But as soon as I gave her the information, she did a great job putting it together in her chart and her sons’ charts. The girl could be a great astrologer if she wanted to study the science.

For our second cigarette break, we went out together to have cigs. And she said “what about all the awful things which have happened in my life?” and she said about them. Alice’s conversation used to always be about all the awful things which had happened. I said “It’s just not in your chart Alice, there are no difficulties at all in your chart. Of course you do have Leo Rising, and Leo loves to dramatize things. Maybe you just wanted to add a lot of drama to your life, to make it more interesting.”

The interesting thing is, when we first sat down and I got out her chart and looked at it, I had never seen a chart like that. Nearly every planet is in her 10th House which is career or position in the world. And the very few planets which are not in that House are in the Houses right next to it. I said “Alice I hope you will take this the right way” and she made that scared face, “but this is the chart of a big-shot, you are a big-shot.” I didn’t mean to scare Alice, I guess that is my humor, I like to tease. I knew something good was coming, not bad, when I said “I hope you take this the right way.” I didn’t realize she would respond with so much alarm.

And it is true it is the chart of a big-shot, of a very important person. And it actually does explain Alice’s life. She has no ego, no self-importance at all, so it doesn’t appear on the surface in any way. She leads a totally humble life, she is totally humble. But it explains why she has her finger in everything and makes everything happen, and her prodigious talent in the world of making things happen, in the world itself. To give contrast, I didn’t say this to Alice, but that same House, the House of the world, I have Neptune in it, which dissolves it. I have zero activity on the world stage. I am just not out in the world at all. But Alice is, the world is her whole life. She has more planets in that House and bigger planets than Einstein. Her House of career is major.

But of course she is a humanitarian and idealist first, last, and always. I saw that in her chart, which begins off with the planet Uranus. “Your passion is for truth, Alice” I said, “you begin off with passion for truth, and Uranus is totally humanitarian.” It was Alice who supplied that word and attribute. When I showed Alice how her chart starts off with Uranus in the 9th House, I recognized the passion for truth (Uranus is my ruling planet), but Alice recognized the humanitarian.

And then we both went to the ladies room together, which seemed like a very intimate thing to do with your friend. And we did a little more astrology till my mind stopped working totally and Alice looked a little tired too. And I think Alice liked the reading. I thought it was the worst reading I had ever done in my life. But when I was paying the check (it was such a bargain! can you imagine only 8 dollars for all of that!) she told the girl I had explained astrology to her, she seemed pleased.

And I think Alice was very pleased. Some friend of hers had once said something about her astrology and told her 3 terrible things. I don’t think Alice really had an idea what an astrology reading really meant, or one by me anyway.

And of course on this day of happy miracles on Alice’s wonderful birthday day, it turned out the bathing suit fits like a glove, she loves it, and her old bathing suit is completely worn thru, she needs suit anyway. And the skirt fits perfectly, and who does not want a pretty simple white linen skirt in hot desert summer. And I think it all had a transforming effect on Alice too. Her stories became happier and happier, she recalled good things, happy things. And I think it satiated her all the attention. Alice likes to express and has so much to express. That was the one thing my Higher Self told me before I went to do the reading-- about Alice’s chart-- she said “it is good for Alice to talk a lot.”

I had noticed it myself two days before Alice’s birthday, at the very end of this Sign we have been in. For the whole Sign, I talked so little and had so little urge to talk. And then suddenly there was an explosion, as if all the not-talking I had done, just wanted to be released. I couldn’t stop it. There was just such tremendous urge for talking and communication, after not having it for so long. And Alice is born right in the middle of that 3 day explosion. I understood why Alice likes to talk a lot, and why my Higher Self said she needs to talk a lot. She has Sun and Moon in that Sign, she has to have that release. It is the whole Sign releasing itself.

I think it was very good for Alice to get a chance to talk to her heart’s content at our birthday party. Plus to have all focused attention on her. Because she bloomed under both. Right before my eyes I saw her bloom. I saw her happiness bloom, her contentment bloom, her loving beautiful being bloom. “You need to talk a lot,” was the first thing I said to Alice when I looked at her chart, per my Higher Self’s instructions, and she lit up. “But everyone moves away from me when I talk, they say I talk too much and leave the room.” “You need to talk a lot, Alice, it is good for you” I said.

And it’s very interesting how it all worked out. Last night I was bored to tears with the TV. I had tried watching it all day, and other than “The Housewives of Orange County” marathon, I was so bored I was going out of my mind. And finally my Higher Self said “well let’s talk, we’ll talk about something which interests you, so you can have something interesting.”

And to my amazement my Higher Self did my chart. And it was a brilliant reading. All the brilliance I had wanted to offer Alice, and which was totally not there at all, was in my Higher Self’s reading of my chart.

She said things which were so interesting and informative, I wished I had known it to tell Alice, I learned so much. She said the 10th House, which is where all of Alice’s planets are, and where I just have Neptune-- I had pointed out to Alice her chart begins with Uranus in her 9th House and ends with Neptune in her 12th, she begins with passion for truth and winds up with divine love. My Higher Self told me “The 10th House is actually your mission in life. And you having Neptune there, doesn’t dissolve the 10th House, it just means divine love is your mission in life.” And she said “Pluto in Gemini in 8th House-- Pluto, the planet of transformation, in Gemini the Sign of the writer, in Pluto’s own House of Transformation-- means your writing is about transformation.”

It was so interesting having such a brilliant interesting illuminating interpretation of my chart. It was such a gift to me, that I thought “it really is true what the New Age teaches, what spirituality teaches, giving to another is how you give to yourself.” I don’t know how to put this into words, but suddenly it hit me: As the day follows night, that when I went all-out to give the best astrology reading I could for Alice, it was inevitable a great reading would be done for me. That it has to happen, that this is how universal law works.

And of course my biggest joy in all of this is the success of the red bathing suit, how much Alice loves it. And how happy Alice is. Her phone call and email put me in bliss. There is no joy like seeing Alice happy. She is the most generous girl on the planet, she deserves this happiness....

Postscript,

And when I saw Patsy in the pool yesterday and was swimming in the lane next to her, when she said “how are you Anne?” I said “I have bad news and good news. The bad news is the plumber said he would have to take out the bathtub and break up the cement floor. It will cost $4000. I’m not doing it, I will shower in Bill’s shower. The good news is I took Alice out for her birthday and I had a glorious time.” And I told her the whole story and she was so happy for me.

I skipped over about the astrology reading but expressed all my joy about the miracle the ravishing red bathing suit fit Alice to a T.

"My Week-end" (cooler broke, I wrote about women's lib, and I went to GOP meeting)

Tucson painting by Felix Pasilis
“My weekend” (cooler broke, I wrote about women’s lib, and went to Republican Party meeting of PCs)

Tuesday early morning 7/15/08

I feel like so much has happened. The evaporative cooler in the west side of the house broke down on Thursday night. And it wasn’t till 11 am yesterday (Monday) that the repairman fixed it. So today marks the first morning I woke up when all is back to normal. I feel like they were 4 days of obsession. Beside the house being so hot without cooler, for some reason both Bill and I became obsessed.

He went right up on the roof himself on Friday morning to see if he could fix it himself, or if we had to call repairman. And even after he was not able to fix it and I did call the repairman and he said earliest time he could get to me was mid-morning Monday, Bill still did spend the 3 days up on roof trying to fix it.

The ostensible reason was so we could have relief in the house while waiting for repairman. But the truth was it was just a challenge he wanted to win. Bill is a great technician himself, and he simply wouldn’t believe he could not fix it. So for 3 days he was either up on roof trying to fix it, or thinking about how to fix it, or telling me all about it. It was the only thing in his mind.

When Bill is the technician I am drafted into assistant-to-the-technician. Which means orders are screamed at me from the roof. “Turn to pump only! SHUT IT OFF! Turn to low cool! SHUT IT OFF! Turn the circuit breaker back on!” I am constantly hopping around doing things.

I have no criticism whatsoever of Bill spending the 3 and a half days in obsession with fixing the cooler, because I spent the same time in obsession too. Perhaps this is how we each dealt with the fact that the cooler was not working and house was too hot in summer desert heat. On Thursday morning I wrote my first chapter about what women’s liberation was like back then. Then Friday morning a second chapter. Saturday morning a third chapter. And then all day Sunday trying to fix all the typos in it, so it would be done, and I could put my mind somewhere else.

Sunday was one of the strangest days in my whole life. I just sat here ignoring how hot house was, and I tried to face what I had written and to meticulously deal with all the typos. It was a ton of work. And my mind was completely back in women’s liberation. This went on till about 9 at night. All the time this was going on, Bill was on roof barking at me. “TURN IT ON! TURN IT OFF! Turn the circuit breaker back on!” And when he would finally come down from the roof, he would be saying non-stop to me his ideas about the cooler. And I would listen with one ear and continue fixing typos with the other ear.

We both took a rest from our obsession Sunday afternoon, when we went swimming and Bill went to movies and I watched TV. But instant he got home we each went back to our obsession. I was determined to keep going and finish it up. And when Bill was at movie theater, he remembered home insurance won’t pay for it if he had worked on it himself. So as soon as he got home, he had to go right back up on the roof and put everything back exactly as it was, and try to make it undetectable he had spent 3 days working on it. And then he spent 4 hours talking about it to me, as I was finishing up fixing the typos and trying to write a little preface to it.

We were both in complete obsession. Which is maybe OK. How else would we have gotten thru 4 days and 4 nights with no cooling in the house. LOL we both needed an activity which consumed us and took our minds off it.

Right in the middle of it, Saturday morning, I went to my very first meeting of the PCs (precinct committeemen) of the Republican Party in my District. And I had no idea beforehand this would mean walking into the lion’s den. I have no idea what I thought it would be like beforehand. But everyone there but me (altho I found out later Ted had been there, but he hadn’t said anything), so everyone there but Ted and me, and since I didn’t know he was there I thought I was alone, was establishment GOP. These were all office holders in the Republican Party. It was a totally awful experience in every way. And I got very upset during it, and I was very upset after it. And it wasn’t till we got back from swimming that I finally got over it. Hahaha I had no idea I had been completely happy during our 4 days of total obsession and no cooling, until I lost all my happiness at the meeting of the Republican office holders. And I was extremely happy to get back my happiness 3 hours after it was over. I never want to go thru that experience again.

At first naturally I wanted to rebel and never go back. But I guess I am far more committed to the Ron Paul revolution than I realized. And right now the Ron Paul revolution means taking over the Republican Party. Which now that I have been there, seems like an impossible task. But I am still willing to do it. So the way I will never have this experience again, is when I show up at the meeting each month with the other Republican office holders of my district, I will go completely differently. This time I know what it is like.

I will keep my mouth shut from now on. So I don’t have the experience of letting them all know who I am and what I want, which resulted in them all hating me. And I will already know who they are and what they want, which resulted in me hating all of them. I will keep my mouth shut, so I won’t experience that wave of hostility towards me. And now that I know who they are and what they want, it won’t hit me with an awful shock, and upset me so much. I will just stay very close to my Higher Self, and remain close to her mind of love and peace. I assumed I got so upset because they all hated me, but I realize now what knocked me off balance, was that I got mad at them. I can be detached from however they view me, but I will get thrown for a loop if I get mad at them.

Plus I won’t attract all their hostility if I keep my mouth shut. If I show up every month and keep my mind in place of peace and love, and keep my mouth shut, then they will eventually just get used to my physical presence there and ignore me. And I will learn a great deal.

What I learned at this first meeting was anathema to me. But if I take all the emotions out of the picture, just simply leave it as the awful ideas they believe and the awful laws they want to pass, then all it means is why we are doing this revolution in the first place. Obviously I had to see all the full awfulness up close and personal, to actually meet the people and the minds behind it. Things are the way they are because of them, these are the authors of it.

Now that it is 3 days later and all my emotions have cooled down, I can see how it made everything crystal clear to me. Why we must have this revolution, and what we are up against. It was an absolutely necessary learning experience, I see now. I had to know all this, and this was the only way to learn it (as unpleasant as it was). Ted told me on the phone that Lisa, I don’t know who she is, I never met her, had the identical experience as me. She went to 3 meetings and hated them all so much, and hated what they stood for so much, she dropped out of being PC, she couldn’t stand it. And believe me I fully understand why. Which is fine for Lisa, she doesn’t have her Higher Self to help her get thru those meetings but I do. And next time I will stay very close to my Higher Self.

And of course Ted is a good example for me. What fortitude he must have! He has been going for a whole year and is determined not to miss a single meeting. “I never knew a thing about Party politics,” Ted said, “now I am learning everything.” He considers it an invaluable learning experience. Which is the new attitude I want.

Right now I see no way we can accomplish anything in a short period of time. There are 3 of us in my District and 40 of them. And it is probably the same in all the Districts in Arizona. And the election for new PCs is only once a year. We can’t add to our numbers till a whole year goes past.

Nobody else in the Ron Paul Revolution is disturbed by the fact that this is a long haul, and would take 10 years to accomplish, 10 years for Ron Paul liberty-lovers to totally take over the Republican Party. But I believe heart and soul that the Mass Awakening on our planet will occur in two years. Which will mean everyone’s mind is lifted above the fear mind, we will all be in our higher mind.

These people in the Republican Party are good people. The problem is they let their fear do all their thinking for them. This is what keeps their mind in prison, and motivates their desire to imprison everyone else. So if Mass Liberation will occur in two years, it is unclear to me why I should be working so hard for something which would take ten years to accomplish, were there no Mass Liberation.

But maybe I am looking at this wrong. After all two years is a very long time. And if I take my mind off goal, and focus it in process instead, then how do I know how fruitful the process will be over next two years. Plus after all it is an adventure. Hahaha yes I had an awful experience on Saturday morning, but it was a new experience, and how do I know where this adventure will lead. And I did do the paperwork and get the signatures. I am now on the ballot in the Primary in September. And because I am running unopposed, I am now an office holder in the Republican Party myself. I am precinct committeeman in my district. I did something!

Photos from my brother's kayak trip last week


...at low tide we saw colonies of purple starfish.

we hiked a trail which led us to this lake...

“It rained all night”

Tucson painting by Felix Pasilis
6:13 am, Sunday morning, July 6, 2008
“It rained all night”

It’s Sunday of July 4th weekend and already it feels as if July 4th never happened. I had big swim yesterday. O it was so nice having such long swim to make up for pools closed on July 4th. Altho water was warm, for first time there was not a drop of cool water in it. But so what! It was still so nice to swim and shower afterwards. And then I had to be taken for a treat. All my shoppings have been grocery shoppings since end of March. I don’t know why I wanted a treat so badly but I did. I wanted a pretty new skirt. Ross Outlet store opened up one of their stores in shopping center near pool. I had never had luck at Ross Outlet until 2 years ago, they had spectacularly pretty skirt. It was too small for me but I bought it anyway and forced it to fit. Since it is the only clothes store between my house and pool, I asked Bill to take me there.

Yes they had some nice stuff at some good prices, but none of it was in my size. It was two sizes too small for me. But I was so desperate for treats, I bought it anyway. A red bathing suit, a white linen skirt, and cotton sundress with beige and brown flowers on it. I told her “they are two sizes too small, and can I return them if they don’t fit?” And she said “yes,” so I paid for them on my Credit Card.

Then because we are out of bread, we went to Sunflower market for me just to buy bread. I had done huge shopping there two days ago. But of course I didn’t just buy bread, I did a medium shopping anyway. I really don’t know about this. Never in my whole life have I grocery shopped as much as I have been during this past year. All my money goes for food. It is something I don’t understand at all, why I am in midst of such huge involvement with grocery shopping. And the amazing thing is it all does get eaten. I wouldn’t beat myself up on the way home from each huge shopping, if I did believe it would all get eaten. But I never have confidence in myself. I always think I must have made lotsa mistakes. It always seems like I bought way too much food and spent way too much money. And always to my surprise it does get eaten. A surprisingly small percent gets thrown out for the birds. I really don’t understand any of this. I feel like an acrobat in the circus on the high wire without a net. I don’t understand why I am doing such huge shoppings, why I am spending so much money on food, and how it does all get eaten in end, I mean how it does work out. It is so peculiar all the suspense and drama this is bringing into my life.

On the other hand, the world of restaurants and eating out, has totally disappeared from my life. I got an email notice that the first meeting of the Ron Paul Liberty Caucus will be held at Cody’s steakhouse on July 29th, to show up at 6 PM for dinner, and then we will have meeting afterwards, in a meeting room the restaurant provides. And I realized I didn’t have desire to eat dinner at Cody’s. Usually I am so excited at idea of eating in restaurant and I have never been to Cody’s. But instead I thought I guess I can have a cup of coffee while everyone eats. I simply don’t understand why I like to eat at home now. How it is I got to like my own food. The whole thing seems to be a package deal, I do huge grocery shoppings all the time, I spend fortune on food, and I like eating at home now, and the desire to eat in restaurant has dropped out of my life. I switched over to thinking the food in my own house is delicious.

Well it must have rained all night because all the trees and bushes in my yards look like they are in heaven. Some of them are twice the size. They look so absolutely refreshed and happy. They bathed and drank, and bathed and drank, and bathed and drank all night long. Their roots are all in soft wet soggy soil, so happy. They are all so deliriously happy. It is an utter transformation. They all look like they are in a wet forest somewhere, where water is always part of their life, as if they have totally forgotten desert hell. It is a very sweet sight to see. And the morning itself looks like a morning after it rained all night. Damp wet clouds all over the sky, grey misty morning, green leaves on tree so happy, so relaxed, so satiated, so big and cool and refreshed, and in joy.

There was big thunder all evening and Beanie had an awful time. But “My Cousin Vinny” came on tv. I had never seen it, it was so much fun.

It’s the oddest thing. It’s like the top of my head is a complete mess. I don’t know whether I’m coming or going? If I’m up or down? I don’t know where I’m at or what I am doing? But underneath all the heap of messiness at top of my head, every once in a while it occurs to me I am happy, it’s like a bubble of happiness which comes from way below, which makes it to the top. I am blitzed by the weather and July 4th weekend. But underneath all that blitz, happiness must be happening, because occasionally a bubble makes it to the top, and to my surprise I recognize it as happiness. “I am happy” I think “where did that come from?” It came out of nowhere.

So maybe I shouldn’t mind it that I am blitzed out of my mind by the weather. And just keep slogging thru my days, one foot in front of the other. Because who knows, maybe the big mist in my mind will clear, and underneath is a happy girl. Hahaha maybe it is no big deal to be a complete mess.

"I Spent July 4th watching I Love Lucy"

Tucson painting by Felix Pasilis
July 5th, 2008, 6:03 am
"I Spent July 4th watching I Love Lucy"

Well it is July 5th, the day after July 4th. I survived July 4th LOL. The day is 100 times more intense and longer because now they close the public swim pools on July 4th so there is no breaking up the day with long refreshing swim. Bill very sensibly went to an air conditioned movie. But I just stayed home on that long space-y day. Instead of the evening bringing relief, a thunderstorm arrived at exactly 7:15 pm, happily when Bill was on the way home from movies. Because little Beanie is scared of the thunder and scared of the rain. Bill told me Beanie is scared of water. So first he was scared of all the thunder we got, then he was scared of the rain pouring down. And then after 2 hours of being scared of either the thunder or the rain, they alternated, just when it would have been safe to come out, the fireworks began. Beanie is scared of fireworks.

He is fine now, doing somersaults across the house and splits, and going on his back on the big rug and wriggling and writhing and putting his legs up in air. But last evening he spent every instant of it running for cover. It was so pathetic because he would not stay in any hidey hole. All he had to do was choose one of his hidey holes in the house and stay in it, but that is not what he did. He spent the entire evening going from hidey hole to hidey hole. I said to Bill “it’s all so ridiculous, because in reality no one could be safer than Bean. The rain won’t get him, the thunder won’t get him, the fireworks won’t get him, he is perfectly safe every instant.” Bill said “I know, but that is not what is going on in his little mind.” And I knew I was looking at myself. I thought “I am just like Beanie, running for cover when I get scared, and the reality is I am safe all the time. I am safe all the time but as Bill said about Beanie, that is not what is going on in my little mind.”

Finally all the thunder stopped, all the rain stopped, all the fireworks stopped. And Beanie and I fell asleep. He slept next to my bed. I don’t know whether Bill listened to Coast-to-Coast on the radio or fell asleep too.

It was a long intense July 4th. But I liked it better than many of the other July 4ths I have had, because I kept it so simple, and I was very relaxed in the early part of afternoon. The heat put me right to sleep, there were long relaxed naps, and tv had “I Love Lucy” marathon. And one episode was so exquisite, when it ended I thought “this is bliss.” It is very relaxing on a long intense July 4th to spend it all with Lucy and Ricky and Ethel and Fred. I watched that show as kid living with my family, back when my bedtime was 9 PM and “I Love Lucy” came on at 9 PM on Monday evenings. And so I said to my mom “if you let me stay up for ‘I Love Lucy’ I will go to bed at 8:30 on Tuesdays.” I don’t remember ever actually going to bed at 8:30 on Tuesdays, but she did let me stay up for ‘I Love Lucy’ every Monday. So for me the show resonates with the 1950s. There is a winter coat Ricky wears in it, my dad had the same one. There is something about Ricky in those shows which brings it all back. Lucy and Ethel and Fred all seem timeless, but Ricky brings back my dad in the 1950s, he makes that world live again for me.

And the show is stunningly down to earth in a lot of ways. Whenever they all go off to the restaurant together, sit down, look at the menu, decide what they will order, it is all so familiar and lifelike from those times. I guess every family watching it back then saw their family. The dialogue is just what went on. A lot of the bits of ordinary life before it flips into a zany drama, really are how ordinary life was, it is very real. Which is why usually those are my favorite parts now. Very few episodes actually work for me, altho the one which ended in middle of afternoon, where I said “exquisite!” at the ending, and turned over in bliss, and thought “life is good.” Of course it had zaniness too, but the ending was exquisite and the whole start of it perfectly lovely.

I’m sure when I watched it at 8 years old, I did not see any resemblance in Ricky and Lucy to Marion and Leon. I just spent the whole time back then identifying with Lucy myself. But now when I watch it the world of Marion and Leon back then, is always called forth.

In an episode yesterday I noticed they all made each other laugh. They do such a classy job that it is imperceptible, that they surprised themselves by bursting into laughter and then tried to control it. For some reason when each said their line, it caused the others to giggle. I didn’t know why? I thought ‘they must have rehearsed it, they knew this line was coming,’ but it just tickled them when it was said. It was sweet watching that bona fide unscripted laughing take over their face, watching their joy bubble out.

Well maybe it doesn’t say much for my life that the high point of my July 4th was an exquisite episode of “I Love Lucy.” But it was the only time I completely relaxed, I just turned over and said “thank you” to the universe. LOL I’m not mad that July 4th was long hot intense day, all the days are like that this summer. It’s just that yesterday had no escape, there was no swim, there was no outing. And it climaxed with scared little doggie, nothing we could do would settle him down.

It’s no wonder I figured out on my fingers that it is exactly mid-summer for Tucson school children, in 6 weeks they go back to school, and psychologically summer is over even if the heat is with us for another two months. Yesterday was the day I wanted to know an end was in sight.

And when Bill got back from the movie theater and we sat in the living room having conversation to try to calm down Beanie, that was our favorite part of the conversation. “6 weeks till the kids go back to school!” “7 weeks till the first football game!” Bill said. Talking about the start of football season is how we keep our spirits up when it seems like there is no end in sight. Then we say all the games which will happen in September. “Of course it will still be hot in Tucson” Bill said. “Of course” I said “but psychologically, it will be Fall, even if we don’t get it.” And he says how Wisconsin and Minnesota will be having real Fall.

July 5th is always when we start to beckon Fall when you live on the desert.

“Confidence” (or My Very Interesting Day)

Tucson painting by Felix Pasilis
“Confidence” (or My Very Interesting Day)
July 2, 2008, Wednesday, 5:39 AM

Yesterday when I woke up I could not walk at all. The booboo in my foot was that bad. But worse than that was how mad I was about it. My mind was some awful cauldron of spitting mad and totally hopeless. “My life is shit” I thought. I don’t know why I generalized from booboo in my foot to my whole life, but that is what I did. I just lost confidence in everything. I totally lost it in every way. Plus I didn’t know what to do, not being able to walk is a big problem. Finally I was able to get from my bedroom to Bill’s bathroom right next door to it and back to bed again. Where I lied there having horrible thoughts. Then somehow I managed to get to kitchen, put up coffee, and get to my computer, where I sat here having horrible thoughts.

Finally my Higher Self suggested she would communicate a blog about what is going on, to help me. I called it “My Higher Self Encourages Me,” and I took down her communication. She began off accurately describing what was going on, especially in my mind, what my feelings were. Which actually helped me. I had been having horrible feelings and horrible ideas, and then upset with myself for having them. She took away the second upset by baldly stating my awful ideas and feelings. She just put them out there as the facts in the case. “Anne thinks her whole life is shit” my Higher Self baldly said. Which had bracing effect on me, it was exactly what I did think. Then she affirmed it was an ascension symptom. When I lost hope I lost hope in everything, it was nice being reassured on that score. And then she suggested it would get better as the day wore on (my tootsies) and the day will have lots of treats for me. This was very nice to hear. As it never occurred to me anything good could happen to me. When you think your life is shit all you see happening is more of the same.

Then things began to get interesting. First I turned on my email and there was a nice email from my brother telling me he had just read my Old Forge story (I wrote it and sent it to him year a half ago) and he said he really liked it and it was a good read. This was a story abut our childhood summers up in the Adirondacks. Since my brother never reads my stories, I was pleased as punch he read this one and liked it so much. I wrote back nice thank you email. I thought “whaddyaknow, I got a treat, my Higher Self is not a total liar.” Then I read Gloria’s Letter from God, where God suggested we listen to our impulses, which was very interesting, a whole different take on my own approach to my own impulses. So then I noticed I didn’t want to be at my computer, I wanted to be back in bed. Plus I wanted a cup of coffee and I wasn’t able to walk into kitchen to get it.

So my Higher Self suggested I wake up Bill (it was only 5 am) and have him help me get back to my bedroom and also to bring in cup of coffee for me. This was a shocking idea to me. I didn’t think Bill would like to be woken up 2 hours early, plus not like finding out his wife couldn’t walk. But I did it! He only scolded me a little, “you are never to wear high heels again!” Since Bill doesn’t believe in ascension symptoms, I told him I got it from wearing high heels. Once I was back in bed, drinking my coffee, Bill made it delicious with cream and sugar, I discovered I was happy. My foot was no longer bothering me, I could lie there completely happy. And I put my pillow by open window and looked out. I was relaxed and happy.

Then Bill announced it was so very early he was going to take Beanie to the park in the truck. During hot summer, at the time when Bill usually gets up, has his coffee, takes his shower, it is then too hot to do anything but take Beanie on short walk around neighborhood. But I had gotten him up 2 hours early, it was the perfect time to take Beanie for long walk in beautiful wash behind Fort Lowell park. “Great!” I said, “Great!”

We had mentioned to Anthony, one of the young lifeguards at pool, that because Lulu went to Heaven we are looking for second dog for Bean and because Bean has terrible mental problems, starts fights with everything, best thing is a very docile girl basset-hound or beagle. Someone who will just ignore Beanie being an ogre the way Lulu did. But Anthony had adopted a beautiful boy Belgium shepherd, Montana, who was now one year old, and Anthony was looking for a good home for Montana, because he said it is no life for Montana, cooped up all day in tiny apartment, while Anthony works all day at pool and goes to school. He really wanted us to take Montana.

And the evening before Bill and I both had long communications with our Higher Self to see if there was anyway this could work, and both our Higher Selfs told us “it would take a miracle, but go ahead.” So we had both woken up planning to do it. Bill said “maybe Anthony will be in the park jogging with Montana, the dogs can meet.” And I said “take Anthony’s phone number with you, maybe you can call him, there is a payphone near the pool.”

So then Bill left with Beanie, and as hard as this is to believe, I just lied there in bliss on my soft pillow with face to open window, drinking my delicious coffee, and happy that Bill was overjoyed to take Beanie for great early morning outing, instead of being furious at me for getting him up. He was so happy to be up early and taking Beanie to the park

And so I peacefully and happily watched the clouds, watched the birds, drank my coffee, and had happy thoughts.

Bill was gone long time. I wanted second cup of coffee. But finally he got back home and said “if you will sit in the living room with me I will tell you everything that happened.” I said “OK, let me bring in my cigs and you go get me ‘nother cup of coffee.”

And we sat in living room together. Well of course the walk in the beautiful wash at dawn was heaven. Both Bill and Beanie loved it. It was still cool and shadowy, all the smells of the animals were still there, they both loved it and walked for miles. And the great news was, Bill said, he discovered Beanie can be off the leash, he did not run away, he just followed Bill and came back when called. Bill was overjoyed. He said this means that Beanie doesn’t only have to be walked around the neighborhood like a monkey on a stick, he can take Beanie for all kinds of great hikes up in the forest of Mount Lemon, and all the beautiful washes at day break, and when weather turns cool in Fall way out to the pristine desert too.

“The bad news is Beanie is nutty as a fruitcake.” And Bill described in detail the two dogs Beanie attacked in the park for absolutely no reason at all, perfectly sweet nice dogs minding their own business. And when Bill said that, we both knew there was no way we could adopt Montana. As both our Higher Selfs told us at that moment, “there is 50 percent chance it would work out, we would get a miracle, and 50 per cent it wouldn’t.” And Montana is huge dog, Beanie is shrimp, it would be huge mistake for Beanie to attack Montana.

When Lulu went to Heaven 9 days ago, Bill buried her body in our backyard under the cottonwood tree in back. And for some reason he has been paranoid ever since that it is against the law to do this, that we will get in trouble for it. Even tho I reassured him that Cora has had gazillion dogs over past 50 years, and each time one goes to Heaven, Floyd, her husband, buries the body in their backyard. Bill just says “maybe their dogs were not in the system and no one knew they had the dogs to start with, but because Lulu was licensed they will want to find out.”

When Bill raised this anxiety again yesterday morning, for some reason my mind was clear as a bell. I thought ‘there is so much on our plate now, I don’t want him to suffer from this fear, I am going to take it away right now.’ And even tho I supposedly couldn’t walk at all, I said “it’s a week-day morning, it is after 9 am, I am going in to call animal control right now, let's get this worry off your mind, I might have to walk slowly but I am going to walk in and call.” And I didn’t have to walk so slowly. I did not have a hard time getting to my computer room where the phone was.

My computer was still on, so I googled the phone number for animal control, found the paper for Lulu’s licensing and called. And I told the woman how we had gotten the notice it was time to take Lulu for new rabies shot and re-licensing two months ago, and since Lulu had been acting out of it, we were glad to take her to the doctor anyway, and doctor said he wouldn’t give her rabies shot, she has problems. And I told the woman “and last week Lulu went to Heaven.” And the woman said “O I am so sorry.” She was so sweet and so sympathetic, not one bit the monster Bill had envisioned who would arrest us. She said “O I am so sorry and I will delete Lulu from the system,” which she did.

And I came back to tell Bill the good news. He can forget all his fears, she was tender and sympathetic. And I guess this is what turned the whole corner of the day for me. How could I not have back all my confidence in life, now that I had helped my husband! It meant that I was fine, it meant that life is good and true and real and beneficent, and we are all protected. It meant that all is well. It gave me back all my strength.

And Bill’s happiness soared too now that that was off his mind, and he described how beautiful the wash was in that early morning dawn, what a great time he and Beanie had, and what a great future they will have. All the things they can do, now that he discovered Beanie follows him and can be off the leash, and listens to him and wants to listen to him. Bill was overjoyed about that.

“We’ll have to let Anthony know we are not going to take Montana, I’ll call him now.” “Offer to do Craig’s List for him” Bill said, “tell him how you did Craig’s List for Mike the mechanic when his dog had 13 puppies and within two weeks, homes had been found for all 13 puppies.”

First I called Anthony at the pool, but when there was no answer I remembered Anthony does not arrive till 12:30, he does late shift at pool, 12:30 to 8:30. So I called the phone number he gave Bill which must be cellphone. I wonder if I woke him up. I said “this is Anne from the pool, last night we thought we would adopt Montana, but this morning Bill took Beanie to Fort Lowell park, he thought you might be there with Montana and the dogs could meet, but Beanie attacked all the dogs, he has mental problems, and we can’t adopt Montana, and do you want me to do Craig’s List for you, I will be happy to.” Anthony said “no.” I said “I understand, you want Montana to go to a good home where you know the people and know he will be loved and well taken care of.” And then I said “Bill and I will leave no stone unturned to find wonderful home for Montana.” And then I got off. It was terrible connection, I could barely hear Anthony and it didn’t seem like he was saying very much.

It was confusing phone call for me, but still I wanted to let Anthony know we would not be adopting Montana, he had had his heart set on it.

Then Bill made himself delicious breakfast (I said no thank you when he offered it to me), an omelette with onions green pepper and tomato, and two cheeses, provolone and cottage cheese. Bill rarely eats, it is always cause for celebration when he does, it is always a statement all is right with the world when he does. And he called me in to admire his omelette which I did. He is a great cook. And when I walked into the kitchen to see the omelette in the pan, I noticed I was walking perfectly. “Look! Bill! Look!” I walked backwards, I walked forward, I walked backwards again. “Look Bill look! I am walking perfectly.”

He then washed his clothes in washing machine, pinned them up on line outside, and I went in to answer emails, and they were all nice emails, I was having good time. And he said “I hear thunder, we better swim now.” So we went to Billie’s pool at Catalina high school. I said “that ladder is hard for me, putting all my weight on one foot, if I need help will you help me.” And he said yes. I was walking perfectly now but I thought the ladder would be hard.

While swimming I had long talk with my Higher Self about Montana and Anthony. I really really really wanted to help Anthony with Montana. And my Higher Self said something very interesting. Bill and I had put all our focus on trying to find good home for Montana.

But my Higher Self said “Montana already has a good home, Anthony loves Montana, and Montana loves Anthony. The problem is Anthony can’t figure out how to give Montana a good life.” And she even said, “it is hard for Anthony, air conditioning costs a fortune and Anthony is never home, but he has to leave it on all day for Montana because desert is furnace in summer.” And she suggested I ask Billie, who is the boss of all the lifeguards, if Anthony could be allowed to take Montana to the pool. Dogs are not allowed on deck, but they are allowed in the little house where the lifeguards are. They are all dog lovers and it is air conditioned there. And then Montana won’t be so lonely all day long.

I swam over to Bill in his lane and said “maybe we can come up with ideas of how Anthony can provide happier life for Montana, maybe Anthony can take him with him to work.” And Bill said “Don’t meddle! Don’t say a word to Billie! Billie is Anthony’s boss. Don’t meddle, Anne!” Billie is passionate dog lover and has 4 dogs, I thought even if he said no, he would be sympathetic to the whole situation. But when Bill said “don’t meddle” and he said it sternly, I changed my mind and decided to keep my mouth shut.

I signaled to Bill that I was getting out of pool now, and to keep an eye out in case I needed help with the ladder. And it was true I could not put all my weight on that one foot to swing myself out. And at first I didn’t know what I would do. But on Friday I had crawled out and I decided to do that again. Only this time I had an audience. Apparently Bill was watching, and the girl in next lane who has big mouth was watching. And as I crawled out I heard her call out to whole pool “she hurt her foot from wearing high heels.”

But you know my spirits were sky high. I have no idea why the flooding happiness, which had flooded in at some point in the morning, was such a happy strong flow. As weird as it sounds to say, I was happier than I had ever been in my whole life. Something was really soaring in my happiness. I had such confidence! Such confidence in life! It really affected my whole perception. That everything I thought was so terrible when I woke up, had turned out to be the modus vivendi for bringing in so much more opportunity and happiness for all. My confidence generalized. I had more confidence in myself! More confidence in Bill! More confidence in God! More confidence in the whole world! I had more confidence in all my friends and relatives and everyone I knew.

And on the way home I explained to Bill about Anthony and Montana. In the pool Bill had said, “but Anthony must have tried to come up with way to have happy life for Montana, when he couldn’t he decided the solution was to give Montana to good home.” In the car I said “just because Anthony couldn’t come up with a solution doesn’t mean there isn’t one, he doesn’t communicate with his Higher Self. Maybe we can come up with ideas. Anthony loves Montana, Montana loves Anthony, so Montana already has a good home, we don’t have to find good home for Montana. We just have to figure out how he can have happy life with Anthony.

“And we don’t know what will happen. Maybe Anthony will find a wonderful girlfriend, who will have a backyard, or be home a lot so she can stay with Montana. Anything can happen…”

link to "My Higher Self Encourages Me"