“Out of this World”

by Felix Pasilis, Tucson Yard

Tuesday, September 25, 2007, 8:06 am,
“Out of this World”

Well Tucson’s beautiful weather has returned which is a treat, and makes things feel familiar again. Since beautiful weather here is the norm. Flawless blue sky and brilliant sunshine. Altho our sunshine has a new soft lovely radiance to it because it is autumn and there is a yellower light.

Yesterday was an interesting day alto nothing happened.

I don’t know what is going on with the vibrations. Perhaps there has been major frequency change, or major stepped-up frequency. I began to notice it yesterday afternoon and it just kept intensifying all evening and into the night.

I had written a story yesterday morning. Just an ordinary story about my Sunday. But for some reason as soon as I started to write my story I remembered my dreams. Which is rare for me these days. I no longer remember my dreams. I had written the first paragraph about the change in weather, and how shivery cool the house is for first time, and then I remembered my dream. And when I wrote down my dream, about being in the kitchen of my old tenement apartment on Lower East Side, and Deva (the daughter of the French woman next door) being in the kitchen, and asking Deva how old she is now. She was a young lady in my dream. I realized as I was writing it that she didn’t look one bit like Deva, who is a beautiful knock-out like her mom, but instead she looked like I would imagine a young Eleanor Roosevelt to have looked.

As soon as I wrote that I started to write what I am learning about the young Eleanor Roosevelt from Bill who is reading her biography. She is only 18 now, so I have learned about her till she was 18. I got very interested writing about Eleanor’s young life, but I forced myself to stop because I wanted to get back to writing about my Sunday. Altho I noticed I started up again before I finally went to telling about my Sunday. So then I wrote the whole story of my Sunday, and in the last paragraph I wrote about where Eleanor is now in her life. It fitted into the story because it is how my day ended. Bill came in for supper and told me while he was eating his dinner.

After I finished writing the story I began to fix all the typos. And in the middle of doing that I suddenly decided to move all the Eleanor Roosevelt stuff to end of the story, and take out all I had written about my dreams the early morning before I woke up. I had never changed things in my story before. I accept the way they came out. And I lied down in the sunshine for a little to think how to do this.

I found my 3 early paragraphs about Eleanor interspersed in the beginning of the story and moved them to the bottom. And was thinking about how to work them in, when Bill said “OK close your window, get your stuff, we're going swimming.”

So I grabbed my stuff but not my purse. I planned to come home and work on my story. And we had a nice swim. The water was just the itsiest bit too chilly for me, but it was still great. And it was a nice swim and the beautiful weather had started up.

And then I came home to work on my story and tried to read it thru once, and the oddest thing happened. I just went blank. Instead of being able to absorb my story so I could work on it, it was as if the surface of my mind had some coating on it, so that water molecules, instead of being absorbed into soft wood, just sat on top, as if there was something impermeable on surface of my mind. I couldn’t take in anything. I tried to read my story, and I couldn’t take it in. And I tried to work on the Eleanor Roosevelt parts and couldn’t, because my mind just would not click. The whole thing was like one huge blank. I never had this experience before. At first I thought my story must be terrible if I can’t connect to it at all. But it was just too odd what was going on in my mind.

So I gave it up and just went to lie down with a mystery. I really did want to complete my story before the day ended and send it out on email, because it gives me a thrill to write it, fix the typos, and send it out on email all the same day. And I like the idea my friends get it the same day I write it, even tho they may not read it. Still the very day I wrote a story it is there in the Inbox if they want to read it.

So even tho I knew the sensible thing was to just put it aside and work on it another day when my mind functioned, my desire to send it on email that day overpowered that. I came back and tried a few times. And finally, it was early evening. My mind had still not come back. I was still in that blank but I decided “so what!” I just moved all the Eleanor Roosevelt stuff to the bottom, fixed the typos in it, and sent it off. Still there was no way for me to read my story and absorb it in anyway, the disconnect was still total.

Then Bill’s friend Jim called just when I had started emailing, about the football game on Friday. And we chatted. He stayed on phone much longer than he usually does, he wanted to chat, and by the time the phone call was over, it was like a heavy sleep had crept over my mind. I could barely keep awake. But I forced myself to email my story off, and then I went to lie down with mystery again. And then all kinds of peculiar things began happening with my mind and with my mouth.

I have now had nearly all of the “ascendancy symptoms,” that is a short-hand name for peculiar physical symptoms which arise when we were being hit with big packet of energy and much higher vibration and frequency. The explanation given is the body is adapting to the much faster frequency. There are too many varieties of symptoms to name. And oddly enough each comes one at a time, you never have two at the same time, or very rarely. Certain ones occur regularly and some only come once. Soreness inside the mouth and the feeling you have bitten your tongue occurred once about 5 years ago, it lasted a long time then, two weeks. And oddly enough it came back last evening. And along with it some of the strangest thoughts I have ever had. My mind was in a whirl too.

It began off with what I had read in Gloria’s earth log the day before. She is the one who writes “Heaven Letters,” letters communicated by God each morning. In her Earth Log she writes her own spiritual experiences or her experience in life. And she said she is going thru a big change. That the night before she dreamed she was in her house and discovered there was a whole set of rooms up in the attic, like a whole floor she had not known existed. And the rooms were all covered with dust and the furniture was covered with dust. And she knew she was entering a part of her mind where she had never been before. And it was time to clean it all up and make it habitable. It was so disused she had forgotten it even existed.

And I remembered when I had a series of dreams like that too. Just before I left New York City, and after we first moved to the Tucson house. Altho it seems to me the last one of those dreams, my house had been transformed into a mansion, and all those rooms upstairs, which I was not aware existed, were now luxuriously furnished and absolutely beautiful.

I was very drawn to Gloria because I was surprised what we had in common. She was Jewish girl like me (but some things were different). Her parents were immigrants from Russia and Poland, she grew up speaking Yiddish. And her bothers and sisters were 25 years older than she was. And her parents were never around, her father had butcher shop and her mother worked. A young woman from the next town came to take care of Gloria when she got home from school. Also Gloria grew up in New England in a town, actually a rich town, where there were no Jews, but when they visited their cousins in another town, most of the people were Jews.

Like me Gloria’s parents were atheists and scoffed at religion. Like me Gloria’s dad said God was superstition.

She didn’t get interested in spirituality until her daughter gave her a tape of “Jesus Christ Superstar” and she watched it 20 times and became very involved.

Then she found “A Course In Miracles” on sale for 20 cents in a barn sale and tried to read it, and could not take in one word. Her eyes glazed over and she fell asleep and this happened 5 times. And then one day she started to read it and could not put it down. She read it four times and did the Workbook twice.

And then she began communicating with God, and started writing her God Letters on the internet.

My heart beat faster when I discovered Gloria was Jewish like me, and had read “A Course In Miracles” like me. Of all the channeled stuff on the net Gloria’s “Heaven Letters” communicated by God are in a class by themselves. They are so much more real than anything else. It takes your breath away.

I don’t know why thinking about Gloria now having her dreams about all those dusty gray unused rooms in unknown upstairs of her house, all those dreams which preceded my move to Tucson, provoked so much intensity. And then I thought about all the big changes others write in their earth log, after they post their channelings from Archangel Michael or whoever. Celia Fenn who channels Archangel Michael wrote her earth log. She just changed hemispheres, she moved from Cape Town to Holland. She just went thru the Fall Equinox two days ago and it is her second Fall Equinox this year, because of changing hemispheres. And suddenly it seemed like there was momentous change going on. Gloria is beginning a whole new chapter, and I know that chapter. And Celia changed hemispheres. And I could feel there was a big change in me too. But I didn’t know what that change was.

It was all odd and intense because it was a line of thought I never had before. And because by this time my mouth was totally sore, I was able to swallow, but Coca Cola stung my tongue.

Then Bill came in from listening to Monday Night Football on the radio outside and began to prepare his supper and I hung out with him, and that made everything return to normal again. His conversation was so in the world and I had been so out of the world, that it brought everything back to earth again for me.

But one amazing thing did happen. When I was lying on my bed, being so out of the world thinking of all these things, very softly, not loud at all, I heard bird call (and it was in the evening, it was dark outside) that was the prettiest bird call I ever heard in my life, such a lovely music.

And I remembered how the quail had arrived in my yard for first time about 3 weeks ago, 8 of them, and have been hanging out in my yard in the mornings ever since.

And it seemed special to hear that pretty bird song, just once, but so lovely.

But I have to admit when Bill walked in the house and everything settled down and went back to normal, and I read my mystery again after dinner, it felt good for things to relax and be normal. And I woke up to relaxed and normal beautiful morning, made the coffee, put up the dishes. But I still knew something interesting was happening even if I had no idea what it was.....

I went to the movies

Tucson Arizona by Felix Pasilis

“My Sunday”

written Monday morning September 24 2007

We turned the cooler down to low last evening and still it is very cold in the house this morning. And the outside was a little chilly when I had my coffee and buttered toast out there. The season has changed. I left the coolers on for the dogs last night, but even tho they were at low, I had to sleep under two blankets. It is a tiny too chilly for comfort right now on my bare arms, I am still in all cut-out summer clothes. But it is still very refreshing to be tad too chilly rather than too warm. After the long hot summer, this new chilliness is like a delicious frosted drink.

Everyone is delighting in the new weather. Beanie and Lulu played in their yard all evening, screaming and racing to the fence, carrying on, having a ball. The torpor from the heat is over, everyone is active and happy now. It’s like a big blanket of oppression being taken off, we are all free again.

I fell back asleep after I woke up first, pre-dawn, and got up to make the coffee. In my dream someone was telling me our friend Jill makes the most delicious fish salad, “you have to ask her to make it for you,” he said.

Bill took me to a movie at noon yesterday that he had enjoyed a lot, he found it so interesting. He sat with me for the first half hour, and then he switched to another movie he had not seen, the movie cashier had told him that was fine to do. So I was alone. And after he left the segments got weird. It is a movie of 18 segments. I stuck it out for one full hour, and then went to ask the movie cashier if I could switch movies too. There was another movie playing called “Becoming Jane” about the life of Jane Austin, and I thought I would enjoy that one. The cashier said she saw my movie and the first hour isn’t good but the second hour is good, and am I sure I don’t want to try to stick it out. So I went back but it got worse. And I decided not to see “Becoming Jane.” So instead I sat at a cafe table in the lobby to wait for Bill.

I put my purse on the cafe table and went thru all my receipts, the ones at the bottom of my pocketbook and the ones in my wallet. I threw out all my grocery receipts and receipts for clothes I had bought that I was already wearing. I was very happy going thru all my receipts and throwing out the ones I had no reason to hold on to. When I finished that I polished my fingernails with the new red nail polish I had bought the day before. And I liked the red and I liked how my fingernails looked. Then I found a tiny little purse with two lipsticks in it, and I opened up the lipsticks but they had not survived the desert summer heat. One seemed to be in fairly ok shape so I lipsticked my lips.

I thought I really shouldn’t tell Bill I couldn’t stand the movie, he put so much effort into bringing me because he wanted me to be happy. And I managed to keep my mouth shut for about two seconds. But instant he said “did you like the movie?” I said “no.” And then I said how I walked out after an hour and threw away my receipts and polished my nails, and I liked that a million times more than watching the movie.

He said his movie was weird too, but for some reason Bill doesn’t mind weird movies. He likes going to the movies, he has a good time. But I guess entertainment only works for me when I am home on bed with my doggies. I enjoy the books I read, I enjoy watching TV. I even would have liked this movie if it had come on tv. At night before I went to sleep I asked my Higher Self why I didn’t like the movie and She said “it was unreal.” But if I had been comfortable at home I wouldn’t have minded it. It would have been a diversion, that it took place in Paris and was in French. And I wouldn’t have gotten impatient at the bad segments, I would have closed my eyes and just chit-chatted with my Higher Self all thru them. I guess I don’t like movies to be in my face. I prefer them on tv so I can choose whether to have them as a backdrop or actually concentrate, or go back and forth. And I like being sprawled out in comfort clothes on my bed, instead of dressed up for movie theater date.

Bill likes to be out of the house. He is like me as a kid. Any bad movie was better than just staying home at loose ends. Just being out is an adventure and exciting and more interesting than being home. Being home is the place I didn’t want to be as kid, except in the evenings. And Bill is like that. He likes activities outside during the day, and just coming home for the evenings. Even when he does get back home, now that the weather has cooled down after sundown, he reads his book outside and listens to the radio outside, until he comes in to make supper at 8:30.

It’s inconceivable to Bill I would not enjoy a good movie. But I like to be at home if I am not swimming or shopping or buying myself a treat at the store, or going to the library. I love my own outside activities, but if it is not one I love, then I would rather be home. I enjoy being at home. Because I did not enjoy my treat of a movie one bit I wanted a treat I would like. So after the pool I asked Bill if he would take me to OPT (Old Pueblo Traders) which is on the way home, not very far out of the way. He hates going there, it is just a clothes store for women, there is nothing else around, he has to sit in the parking lot, and it is a boring parking lot. He said “can you do it in 10 minutes?” “Yes, I said, “thank you.”

I wanted to buy new shoes. Ever since I read a channeling by God 3 nights ago, in “Heaven Letters” where God communicates a letter to Gloria each morning-- This letter was about how to be happy all the time. And it began off with, “think about the things which make you happy, fresh air, beautiful weather, bird song, buying new shoes, a bargain, hearing from an old friend.” I don’t remember what else was in there. As soon as God said buying new shoes, suddenly I wanted new shoes. Shoes is something I rarely buy because I go barefoot all the time. I haven’t bought shoes in a long time.

Altho the last time Maria and I went to the Authors Luncheon, she said “look at my new shoes aren’t they pretty!” They were hot-pink patent leather flats. I wouldn’t have chosen them for myself, but Maria loved them and kept dancing around in them and looking at them and loving them, and the more I looked at them the more I liked them. “Where did you get them?” I asked. “I got them yesterday, on sale for 20 dollars at TJ Max.” “I like them I want them, I will go and get a pair too.” “They have them in black, and white, and this color, no red!” she said. Maria loves red. So the next day I asked Bill to take me after the pool and sure enough they were there. It was in the middle of the hot summer. I wanted to do it all very fast, he was in sweltering hot parking lot. They are cute and fun and give me a lift, but they aren’t me. I don’t mind wearing them, and maybe they were the perfect shoes to wear during a summer which was so hot I lost my mind.

But when God said “buying new shoes makes you happy, and a bargain makes you happy,” I instantly had a passion to buy beautiful new shoes, which were me, which I wanted. I went in the store very quickly, I only had 10 minutes. “Where are your shoes?” I asked the women who greeted up. “Up on the balcony” she said. I saw a room off the balcony saying “Clearance,” and went there right away. It said “All shoes are $9.99.” I saw flats which were a pretty shade of blue, they are a little odd but I like the shade of blue. But I really wanted heels. Suddenly I like wearing high heels again, if they are not too high. It took me a while to find the section which had heels. But there was pretty pair of sandal heels in persimmon, and a pretty pair of sandal ones in a light green. The woman was willing to help me find the box in my size. So I took all 3 to check-out, the flats in nice shade of blue, but a little peculiar; and persimmon heels and light green ones. I said “your sign says ‘Buy one, get one free.’” She said “that doesn’t apply to shoes.” I said “that is OK, these shoes are a bargain anyway.” And I bought the 3 pairs.

I instantly told Bill “I got 3 pairs of shoes and they are a bargain and I am so happy.” I thought he would like it that an outing made me happy, he had worried so much I wouldn’t like the movie. Of course I didn’t let on to Bill that the rest of the way home I thought “what have I done! are these really the right shoes! are they really the right color!” But I always go thru that after I buy anything. I afflict my mind thinking I made a mistake. But it’s still exciting having new shoes.

I thought maybe Bill didn’t like to wait in the parking lot, I was very fast, but it was still 15 minutes. So to distract him I said “do you think I am a tiny bit too plump?” I know Bill thinks I am as fat as a house. He is so thin and he believes in being thin. He said “I can’t talk! I am in traffic!” But I thought, I bet he returns to this topic, he would love the topic of me being on a diet. And so I sat quietly, and sure enough, when we were out of traffic and on our way home, he returned to the topic.

It was so funny because he was putting so much effort into being subtle and considerate, and I had only brought up the topic because I knew it was one he would go for big-time. He said “why do you ask? did you try on clothes and couldn’t fit into any of them?” And then he reminded himself I had gone in to buy shoes. “That’s right, you just bought shoes” he said. Actually I had planned to wear the brand new skirt I had bought last year this time to the movies, and when I tried it on, it sure was a pretty skirt, but loose at the waist. I actually have gone down one size, and I have to remember that because everything I buy is now just slightly too big.

I said to him “I went down one size.” “Good!” he said “good!” But he still wanted to discuss my diet. “You are fat because you eat all the time” he said, “and drink a lot of soda, soda is very fattening.”

He was so happy talking about what I eat, and how I should eat like him, he never eats, that this lasted all the way to our driveway. My main preoccupation is I didn’t want him to be unhappy that he took me to the movies and I hated the movie, so I said “I had a great time, Bill, I loved my swim and I love my new shoes.” And he said “it was ok we went to the movies, cause otherwise the morning would have gone on way too long and it wouldn’t have made us happy.”

And to my surprise he turned out to be right about that. I hadn’t liked the movie, but the outing had shortened the morning, and been an activity, an experience. And I had great swim and I bought 3 pairs of new shoes. It wound up being a great Sunday. And I went in to read my mystery completely happily on my bed. And fed the dogs delicious supper. And Bill went for long bike ride in the cool air.

While dogs had glorious time carrying on in their yard and at the fence.

And when Bill came in to make his supper he told me all about Eleanor Roosevelt.

He is reading her biography. So far in the book she is 18 years old, and has to face her Coming Out party which she doesn’t want. She doesn’t want her coming out party, and all the balls and social season which follows. Her family had sent her to finishing school in England, but the head of the finishing school, Madame Sylveste, was an intellectual and a socialist. She had fired up Eleanor’s idealism and her mind and when Eleanor had finished finishing school and come back home to New York City, other girls from Eleanor’s class were all caught up in the settlement house movement to help the poor. Plus unions had just started, they were started by the shirtwaist workers, all girls. Eleanor was 18 and the girls were all 20. They were Jewish girls and Italian girls who had gone into the shop right off the boat, and they were on strike. Eleanor did not want her coming out party and her social season of all balls and being written up in the society pages, she was scared. Plus she wanted the new world Madame Sylveste had introduced her to. And back in New York City it was all happening and she wanted to be part of it.

She did not have a happy childhood. Eleanor’s mom had gone to Heaven, her father was in disgrace with the family, and sent down South, and Eleanor had to live with her grandmother on East 37th Street. Her grandmother dressed her in clothes which were totally old-fashioned and awful, and the result is that at the private school Eleanor was sent to none of the girls would have anything to do with her. Eleanor spent all her time in the attic reading and having fantasies. She had a horrible childhood. Altho she loved her father dearly and he loved her dearly, but things didn’t work out for them to be together. He would promise to come see Eleanor and then get drunk and forget to see her.

She is just at the point when the coming out party is being prepared for her. It will be in November, her birthday, and then the social season begins right afterward, and she is dreading it. The newspapers write it all up, and she doesn’t want to be in the newspapers. And after she came back from Madame Sylveste’s she is disgusted with all her uncles, all they do is drink and carry on, and one of them actually fired shots out the window. They have spent the summer at their country estates in Long Island or Westchester, playing tennis, having sport, and they are all looking forward to the horse show at Madison Square Garden.

“The Writers Meeting Last Night (another meeting which wasn’t)”

"Cucumber Patch" Tucson, AZ by Felix Pasilis

Friday September 21 2007 7:16 am

“The Writers Meeting Last Night (another meeting which wasn’t)”

Yesterday was the writers meeting at Barnes and Noble. I was surprised they were having it. Because the last time I had been there, the last one in June, we were informed there wouldn’t be another one till October. And since Barnes and Noble cannot host them in November and December because their bookstore is too crowded with Christmas shoppers, I hadn’t expected them to resume till January. As far as I was concerned they were off the table for the foreseeable future.

It is the Southwest Authors Society who runs them. They send one of their board members on the 3rd Thursday of each month to Barnes and Noble to run the meeting. They liaison with Barnes & Noble community relations person. The meetings were fairly regular when Steve ran them. He missed a few meetings but not that many. When he went back to Los Angeles to be with his wife, DewAnne took over. She reliably showed up for 3 or 4 times but then informed SAS she didn’t want to do it anymore, she is too busy. And so SAS decided they would rotate among their board members since no one wanted to commit to it. So Penny showed up for the first of the rotated ones. No! I don’t think that was true! Penny was scheduled to show up for the first of the rotated ones, and she was a no-show. And after that it has been no-show ever since. Which is why I was not surprised when I found out Southwest Authors had canceled it until deep into the Fall. Clearly no one wanted to show up to do it.

So of course I was surprised when Maria called last week and said there is one this week. But I was glad because I like going to them. It is practically around the corner and it is free. I did go to the Authors Luncheon way back in the Spring when I realized there would be no Barnes & Noble meeting till the following year. I thought I would switch over to Authors Luncheons once a month instead. But that is such a bigger deal. It costs $20 so you have to decide if you want to spend it, is it worth it? It is a banquet and there is huge drama about sneaking food home. And it is a very big party.

I am so much happier with the quiet little thing at Barnes & Noble, right in my own neighborhood.

Usually Bill takes me. The meetings are only one hour, and he likes to read the football game magazines. These magazines now cost 10 dollars. He doesn’t want to buy them but he likes sitting in their comfortable chair reading them.

Maria always offers to drive me, since it is so easy for her to pick me up on the way there. But Maria likes to stay after the meeting ends. Sometimes there is another meeting, a film meeting, and she likes to go to that. Or she likes to talk to people who show up at our meeting. Or she likes to look at the books and magazines. She wants a much bigger evening out of it than I do, I like going to the meeting then coming home. So Bill is perfect for me.

However on Friday evenings in Fall he goes with his friend Jim to the high school football games. And none of us could understand why the games weren’t on Friday this week but on Thursday instead. And finally Bill said “maybe because of the Jewish holiday.” And sure enough Friday evening (tonight) is eve of Yom Kippur. So the big game Bill and Jim were looking forward to see was last night, Thursday night. And as soon as I realized that, on late Wednesday afternoon, that their game and my meeting were the same evening, I didn’t know what to do. So when Maria called yesterday morning I told her. She said “I’ll drive you.” I said “but Maria you like to stay for a long time afterwards and I like to go home.” And so she compromised. She said “I will only stay 1/2 hour afterwards.” And I said “perfect!”

So Jim picked up Bill for the game at 6 pm, and I began choosing an outfit then. It wasn’t that easy. I had no idea what I was in the mood to wear, and in fact I was so comfortable in my play clothes. I wasn’t in the mood to put on a bra and nice clothes at all. Secretly I was reluctant to go but I paid no heed to that. Now that I am with my Higher Self I don’t go by my moods. If she says “Go!” I go. Period.

It took a lot of changing of clothes before I found an outfit I liked. But I did like the outfit I wound up with. The top was navy blue and lacy, and tight but not too tight, sleeveless and cut-out in front and back, scooped neck, dressy looking. And I had a long tight black skirt to wear with it, and black sling-back suede heels. I was just not in the mood for ruffles and most of my skirts are all ruffles. And I was not in the mood for happy summer colors, which are most of my stuff. In a way I didn’t want to be seen. I just didn’t want to go, and I didn’t want to be dressed up. And an outfit which meets those conditions is not so easy to find. I wound up dressed up. But I was content because it was navy blue and black and no ruffles.

I took my red leather handbag because that had room for a little book to write in, and I put my shoes in that too. I thought I would put them on when I arrived. I actually wound up with a nice outfit altho all I wanted was to look inconspicuous. It is so rare that Bill and I are both out of the house at same time and not together, I found my keys so I could lock the door. And then I put on my clothes, put everything in my handbag, closed the front windows, and prepared to wait for Maria. When Beanie barked loud, I knew she had arrived and I was all prepared to meet her. I was worried I wouldn’t know how to lock the door, Bill always does that, but I figured it out, and I got into Maria’s car.

She took an opposite route there than the one Bill takes and did not want to hear my suggestion for the short-cut, she likes the route she always takes. Neither of us were in the best of moods in the car, I think secretly neither of us wanted to go, and both of us knew no one would show up for it. Which is exactly what happened.

The meetings are now held in the café, and we sat in the cafe and no one showed up. So Maria and I had conversation, and neither of us were enjoying the conversation. She went to bring me the book on how you can make anything happen you want to happen thru the use of your mind, and said “Read!”

And I said “I’m not going to read it, I read a 1000 page text on the mind, there is nothing I don’t know about the mind creating reality, it’s called A Course In Miracles.” Because Maria is Polish and she came over here when she was all grown and had met her American husband over there, even tho she has been here 40 years now, communicating in English always has glitches. It never goes smoothly. When I said the name of the book was A Course In Miracles, she said “what miracles! this book is not about miracles!” I said “I don’t want to read it.”

When she tells me which books to read enthusiastically on the phone, I am able to be more acquiescent. I respond enthusiastically, I thank her, I write down the name, but I never plan to read them. But when she put the book in front of my face and said “read!” I just said “I don’t want to.”

We just couldn’t find any conversation topic that both of us enjoyed. So she went to get “Fortune” magazine to read it for herself. And I said “I’m going to the desk to talk to them, and tell them they can’t advertise they are having a meeting when there is no meeting, and I am going to have a cigarette outside.”

I discovered there were tables outside where everyone was sitting and smoking a cig, and having their coffee or reading outside. And I sat at a table where I could see Maria inside reading her “Fortune” magazine, and smoked a cigarette. I thought, we may as well just go home. Everything felt so frustrated. First there was no meeting, and the talking with Maria was frustrating to me. So then I went to the desk and asked for the community relations person. And she made some phone calls and said “Dina is not here, what is the problem.” And I said “I am here for the meeting” and before I got to continue, she said “your meeting has started, it is in the cafe and two have just showed up for it.” Of course I thought she meant me and Maria but when I went to our table there were two ladies there.

So I sat down and let Maria introduce them to me. Maria had met them the evening before and invited them to this. She had found a writers group way downtown, in her neighborhood, and the evening before she had gone. Everyone there writes memoirs and they read from their memoirs. Maria was very excited, she loved what people read and she said the woman who led the group is from Akron. Apparently Akron, Ohio is where Maria had lived all that time with her husband, he was music professor there. Maria was convinced the woman must have known her husband, since the woman was at the university too.

One of the women, Sandy, was a laugh-a-minute woman. This is someone I have very very very rarely encountered in real life, but in books you encounter a person like this all the time. They don’t talk in normal conversation, whatever they say is designed to make you laugh. At first it confused me but then I got into it. I was glad someone wanted to be a spark-plug because it had all been so dreary. Her spark-plug energy made my energy rise. I thought “at least they are new faces, new people to meet.”

It was a tiny bit daunting at first because her friend Margaret, the one I got to talk to (Maria wound up talking to Sandy) really did look dreary to me. You think “is that what happens at that age, awful hair, awful skin, awful clothes, and awful turned-down dreary face.” But when Marie was driving me home, she said she had forced herself to swim 20 laps in the pool today because she wanted to look beautiful and sexy for the meeting. “And you do!” I said, “you look beautiful and sexy.” “No” she said, “no” she demurred. But Maria did, she looked like a knock-out. I said “Margaret needs help, she did not look gorgeous and sexy one bit.” And Maria said “Margaret has given up.” Maria said “I take care of myself, I always put effort into looking nice, but Margaret has given up.”

That is a whole new concept for me. I bet Maria and Margaret are the same age. I had no idea you could look like Maria at that age, or look like Margaret at that age, and it was up to you. It was such a strange new concept to me, “Margaret has given up.” Altho Maria felt very comfortable with that concept, she diagnosed the problem right away.

I really didn’t mind talking to Margaret even tho her being matched her looks. She said she and her husband had lived in Hawaii back in the ‘60s, he had teaching job there. And I was very curious about Hawaii because Helen lives there now.

Margaret said it would not have been such a culture shock if they had moved there from Ohio where she grew up. But they moved there from Tucson and were used to desert beauty. She didn’t have anything good to say about Hawaii. She said they have hills not mountains like we do. But when it was time to leave Hawaii she discovered she loved it and was very sorry to leave and missed it. She likes the Midwest too. And we both talked about the flowers and berries. I know them from New York State, but she had grown up in the country, she knew the berries and nuts much better than I do.

She said she won’t get a dog because she grew up on ten acres where dogs ran wild and free and happily in the woods and it seems unfair to keep them in little house with little yard. But maybe it would perk Margaret up to have a pet to lavish love on. Maria has Seema, and loving Seema is her whole life.

Of course Maria had a better time talking to laugh-a-minute Sandy than I had with dreary Margaret. But I didn’t care. I had come to the meeting to have a new experience, and if my new experience was talking to Margaret, that was fine with me.

After half an hour Sandy said she is exhausted and wants to go home. And Maria said she is willing to leave now too. So we each headed to the car. Altho first Maria went to buy the “Fortune” magazine she had been reading.

Maria and I were both very perked up from meeting Sandy and Margaret, for both of us something had happened. We both said “it isn’t right for SAS to keep saying they will have the meeting and not having the meeting, and we both said we would talk to them about this, and we both said we had a great time anyway, which was true. Maria said “it’s nice for you to get out of the house in the evening and have a change, Annie.” Which is true. I said “I liked it, I had a good time.” We both said it’s unfair to say there is a meeting and there isn’t because we both put effort into it, we plan around it all day. I said “you swam 20 laps so you would look gorgeous and sexy at the meeting, and I changed my outfit 5 times, and put a lot of effort working it out so Bill could go to the game and I could go to the meeting.”

My friend from NYC

"Catalina Mountains" by Margot Rose

(When Cora called me 7 years ago to wish me Happy Birthday, I assumed she was still back in NYC. At the end of the conversation I asked "what time is it back there in New York?" She said "I am in Tucson, Anne, I moved here two years ago." Since then we have talked 3 times on the phone, last night was the 3rd time. But we still have not seen each other)

“Cora called last night”

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Well Cora called yesterday evening right while I was in the middle of writing an email to Linda. I did recognize her voice, even tho my mind had to travel a little to recognize it. I was happy she called because the day before, and that morning, I had planned to call her sister to get her phone number to call her. I wanted to talk to her. We seem to go a few years in between phone calls which is fine with both of us. And then suddenly we each want to talk to the other. She doesn’t live very far from me, and we probably pass her apartment complex every day on way to the pool. We shop in the same supermarket, Fry’s. We both use the same bank in Fry’s, but we have not seen each other in Tucson. The last time we saw each other was on the Lower East Side of New York.


I got very excited when I found out in my first phone call from her she shops at Fry’s every day. When our supermarket close by closed down, and we moved over to shopping at Frys too, I thought “I will bump into Cora.” I had my eyes peeled. But then I realized she shops at night, I shop in the day, of course I will never see her. And when I told her last night “we shop at Fry’s now,” she got very excited and said “I will look for you.” But I said “it won’t do any good, you shop in the middle of the night, we shop between 3 and 4 in the afternoon, that is when you are just waking up.”


She told me she is notorious for spending all night at Fry’s and I am sure she is. She arrives at 2 AM. I started to tell her about the public swimming pool we go to which is close to her, I thought she’d like to go. But my impression is she doesn’t get out of the house till 11 PM, and what swimming pool is open then. She said she really wants to get off her schedule of being up all night and sleeping during the day. But I thought, what is the point, she has been on this schedule for past 40 years. It seemed to me when you have spent 40 years trying to change something and you haven’t changed it, why not just accept it. “So you’re a night owl, big deal! why not allow it?” I asked her. “Because it is very hard when I have a doctor’s appointment or a dentist appointment” she said. She said “I stay up so late sometimes the dawn comes, the light and the bird song, and I love the bird song, and it seems natural to be up with the light, not going to sleep right afterwards.” I said “not all animals are day animals, some are night animals.” “That’s true” she said, “I forgot about that.”


Sitting here right now it occurs to me Cora likes this business of trying to change her schedule. At the time I thought, she should either just change it, or accept it, it makes no difference which one, but to be on her own back about it all the time seemed like a poor solution. But she said she read a book about insomnia, and her friend told her it is natural to go to sleep an hour later each night. So maybe she finds it interesting to research this topic. Maybe she likes the project of trying to change her sleep schedule.


She does have a boyfriend in Tucson, Larry, who was born here, who is 7 years younger than she is. According to Cora there are major problems in their relationship, and just the night before, she had psyched herself up to try to break it off with him. In the past Cora has always had a boyfriend which was a major sex affair. And now that we are no longer little chickadees, I was wondering if this pattern still holds. It does in fact. I now realize all my friends who never married, who had boyfriends their whole life, are still going right on now having boyfriends. They each have a boyfriend now.


I said “O Cora I have to tell you, Edgar Cayce says the Signs are all two back, so you’re not a Capricorn, you are a Scorpio, and your Mercury and Venus in Capricorn are Scorpio too, you have a lot of Scorpio.” I thought, that sure makes sense to me. From the minute I became best friends with Cora when I was 22 years old, I heard a lot about her sex life. I never knew anyone who talked about their sex life like Cora. For everyone else it is like a blanket drawn over it. Either they don’t talk about it, or if they do, there is a kind of hush which goes with it. You experience them pulling back the blanket and deciding to tell their secrets. When they talk about their sex life, it is in a different tone of voice, and in a different atmosphere than when they talk about anything else.


Not Cora! For her it is totally natural. There is absolutely no difference when she talks about her sex life than when she talks about shopping at Fry’s, or any other experience in her life. In fact there was more drama in her voice when she talked about trying to take a cab home from Fry’s on Mothers Day at 1 PM when it was so hot outside. “I thought the wait for the cab to arrive would only be two hours” she said. “But I kept calling and calling. And when he did arrive he charged me 4 dollars for such a short distance. I gave him a five, I said ‘I want to give you a tip.’ But I really thought he charged me too much.” She went into a lot of detail about this famous cab ride. All the waiting. All the times she called from the Fry's telephone.


Just when I put up her chart on my computer and realized she is Scorpio, and all the Scorpio in her chart and that is why she talks about sex so much, her topic had changed to Larry's attempt to seduce her the first time. She said “you don’t know how much self-control it took to say no. I don’t know how I did it. I was so lubricated. I walked home so lubricated. And it was strange because I thought I had become dry. I thought I had become dry from the menopause. But I was so lubricated.”


Now she is mad at Larry because she said “he just thinks I am there to service him sexually and he won’t commit.” So I gather it is a big sex affair. I am not concerned about Larry being unwilling to commit. Because my experience of Cora in the past is she got rid of all the boyfriends who wanted real commitment. Larry’s refusal to commit is probably what keeps her hanging on.


She said “the problem is we have a life style conflict, he says so proudly as if it is a badge of honor, ‘I am a red neck.’” But when I tried to put his chart up, and they asked for first name and last name, and she spelled the last name for me, she said “it is Jewish name.” Cora has had so many boyfriends they couldn’t all have been Jewish. She has had Japanese boyfriends and Chinese boyfriends and Scotch/Irish and Italian and everything. But back in New York it does seem maybe half of them were Jewish, and to my astonishment here in Tucson she found a Jewish boyfriend too. A red neck western Jewish boyfriend.


She also found in Tucson, as she had found everywhere she lived in New York City, a wonderful girlfriend, very close by, who she confides her whole life too, who she loves and who loves her, and helps her with favors. Sylvia does drive her to the dentist. Altho Cora said it was so hot in Sylvia’s old car without air conditioning that her dark glasses with plastic frames started to melt against her face. Cora thinks the problem is Sylvia’s car. But what does Cora know about heat! She’s up all night and sleeps all day. She was only out in the summer heat that one time in Sylvia’s car being driven to her dentist appointment. We don’t have A.C. in the car either. That is how hot it is! It is not because Sylvia has an old car. I wanted to point out to Cora that that is one of the advantages of her nocturnal schedule, she has missed all the heat. But I guess she was already on another topic.


Her reason for calling me is because she watches PBS all the time, on some tiny 5 inch battery operated TV. I said “TVs don’t cost anything anymore, why don’t you get a normal size one?” She said “because I don’t want to miss anything even when I am on the toilet.” Apparently Dr Dwyer was on right now, telling us all if we change our thoughts we will change our life. And Cora had decided to call me, after we hadn’t chatted in years, to tell me about it, so I could turn it on right now and watch it too. She loved it that much she said “PBS is doing its fundraiser and said ‘if you donate $100 we will send you Dr Dwyer’s book on how to change your life by changing your thoughts.’” And Cora said she wants the book so much she is thinking of contributing the 100 dollars.


I said “what is his name again?” “Dwyer” she said. So I looked it up on google and there was his website. And there was the book in hard cover from Hay House, his publisher, for $22. I said “the book is 22 dollars, you can buy it.” She said “KUAT said the ONLY way to get the book is to contribute $100 to them!” I said maybe the library has it.


And then of course we each told each other our sad tales about how we are forbidden to use our library cards now. Cora because she had taken out 2 books about insomnia and forgotten to return them. And when she finally did, they said you have to pay for the books now. Which Cora is actually planning to do so she can have library privileges. I started to tell her my experience, why I don’t have library privileges. But she said “wait! let me turn the phone down, you are so loud Anne.” I said “that’s OK I can talk softer.” I had been loud because her phone conversation was such a steady stream, that to say anything I had to interrupt in the middle of one of the stories. And then I shouted because I figured I had such a brief time to say anything. “I can talk softly, you don’t have to turn the phone down, I don’t have to shout” I said.


Every 15 minutes she interrupted her flow of conversation to say “I am so hungry, and I knew if I called you, I wouldn’t be able to get off in 2 minutes after just telling you to watch Dr Dwyer now. Plus I want to go to Fry’s.” I didn’t let her off the hook. I figured she goes to Fry’s every night and spends all night there. We only talk once every 2-3 years, and last time she called me she was in the middle of moving, I had to let her off, because she was supposed to have all her boxes packed for her friends helping her move. Two hours was a very long time for me to be on the phone too. I haven’t had a two hour telephone conversation with a friend since I left NYC. And it took a few hours afterwards for my mind to be able to think again. I won’t do it again for another few years, but I am not sorry I did it last night. Whether Cora is crazy as a coot or not, I have no idea, but she is my best friend and I love her more than the universe.


The only interesting dialogue we had was about astrology, but unfortunately it was too short-lived for me. 99 percent of the two hour phone conversation was Cora’s long stories about her life. I realized it made no difference whether I listened to them or not, I was just happy to be on the phone with her. I didn’t even hear one word when I was putting her chart and her boyfriend’s chart up on the computer. Or finding out the book she wants with all her heart is only 22 dollar hardback. She said KUAT said she can have the DVD with 200 dollar contribution, but I don’t know why Cora even mentioned that. She has a 5 inch battery operated TV. What would she even do with the DVD.


When we talked about astrology Cora demonstrated all her intelligence. I actually have not connected with her intelligence since the days we were both in our early 20s and sat in my kitchen in the East Village over coffee. Since then all I have ever heard is her long stories about her life. I forgot what a fine clear wonderful intelligence she has, and how much I enjoy it. And I love communicating back and forth with it. But this never happens. At least I know for next time, 3 years down the line, that if I bring up astrology, we can have it for a little while. Cora is so astute about astrology. I learned it from her. She really has a great mind, I have really missed it coming forward in all these years. In fact I completely forgot it existed, until we got on topic of astrology last night.


All in all it was a great conversation altho the ending was not so great. Apparently her doctor told her she has an Attention Deficit Disorder, and Cora does not want to go on psychotropic drugs for it. She read up about the disorder, and it says “you have it if you like to be alone a lot and if you take notes all the time.” I don’t think there is any harm in Cora liking to be alone a lot, so do I. And so what if she likes to take notes! She read up in some natural healing book how to cure this disease (which she does not have!) and it said “Give up tomatoes! give up peaches! give up plums! give up butter! give up milk and cheese! give up sweets and dessert!”



So Cora who loves peaches and plums has given up peaches and plums. And given up all the other things (she loves them too). But luckily by this time my mind was shot, and I did not try to talk her out of giving up all her favorite foods. She tried to get me to give up cigarettes, “you are killing yourself Anne.” I said “I went to the doctor for a check-up some years ago, and he said I am radiantly healthy. And he asked me ‘what is your secret for radiant health?’ And I looked him straight in the face and said ‘I don’t smoke.’”



“Why did you lie to your doctor?” she asked, “did you think he would give you a lecture?” “Yes” I said. “That is my problem” she said, “I lecture too much.” I don’t think Cora lectures too much. I mean maybe she does but who cares, it doesn’t bother me. Isn’t that interesting, nothing Cora does bothers me at all. For me Cora is perfect.

“An odd bouquet”

“An odd bouquet”

9/7/07, 7:15 AM

When you start making friends again in a new place, it is nice to have friends. But you also make friends who make you crazy in the head. Making friends is not what you think it is (you select out the people you want to be friends with). Making friends is actually like lowering a net into the water, whoever swims into your net is your friend. It’s actually a peculiar mélange who you wind up with as friends. And then once you are their friend, you get to discover their attributes. You get to discover the experiences they bring into your life.

Some turn into a pearl without price. Altho appearances are deceiving, they don’t look like pearls without price. Some have a lot to offer you in all kinds of unexpected ways. And one is a pill, every contact you have with her is like the rug being pulled out from under you. But the intimacy of friendship is there with all of them.

They are the small bouquet of what turned into your Tucson friends. They range from the pearl without price, the one who helps you when you are totally desperate. And who does it with zero drama zero fanfare, total nonchalance, as if it is a big nothing. So it’s as if you call him while you were lying there bleeding on the carpet at wit’s end and say “come over help.” And he said “I’ll be right over, do you have maple syrup, I am making french toast for my mom?” And with perfect nonchalance he arrives in one minute, restores you to perfect being and happiness, and he says “thanks for the maple syrup I will return it to you.” And you say “keep it, you just saved my life.” He doesn’t realize he just saved my life, which is the beauty of it all. And the favor took so little effort from him, which is the beauty of it all. And you are so smiling and happy, and saying “this is real maple syrup, from Trader Joe’s, I never even opened it.” Anyone who can save your life and turn your biggest emergences into loan or gift of maple syrup is pearl without price.

And then I guess in your bouquet is the pretty yellow flowered ragweed, which you are totally allergic to, where the least nothing little encounter always upsets your applecart.

I wonder if this is what is like for everyone. We each have a pearl without price in our life, and we each have a pain in the neck in our life. They just come in the net together when we open up our net, and never find out what walked into our net till later.

My Country Club Adventure

"Tucson" by Felix Pasilis

Tuesday, September 4, 2007, 7:43 AM

“Nature Girl”

Because public pools are closed on Labor Day we decided to buy a one-day-pass at the JCC. We had never been there and were curious about it. Four years ago when the City Council raised the prices of the public pools sky high, so they were more expensive than any private club in town, I had asked Jimmy, who is head lifeguard of all the pools, "where should we go?" He suggested Racquet Club or JCC. This was actually a week before Labor Day 4 years ago. The new rates were to go into effect the day after Labor Day and the public pools were closed on Labor Day.

Bill was attracted to JCC, I was attracted to Racquet Club, so I called both of them to find out if we could see their facilities. But for some reason at JCC, I could not connect with the woman in charge. Each time I called, I was transferred to the woman in charge, and I received her machine, so I left my phone number and she never called back. But when I called Racquet club, I was instantly connected with Nancy, who told me “yes we are open on Labor Day, it would cost $67/month for you and Bill to join, we are open 24/7, and yes you can come on down on Labor Day to join up and have your swim.” The new rates for public pool were so high, that Racquet Club was 1/4th the price. The decision was made.

So we swam at public pool till the day before Labor Day. And then on Labor Day we went down to Racquet Club. Nancy was there, she signed us up. She waived the 50 dollar initiation fee. She offered to take us on tour of facilities, but I said “just show me where the pool is, I want to take my swim.” I guess she took Bill on tour of the facilities.

I really could not stand it and I was in tears. I had no idea it was a Labor Day party. I thought that is what it is always like there. Crowded, with loud music, and people lining up to buy the picnic food. And where was my view of the beautiful mountains. And I hated taking my shower in air conditioning. And having to walk thru a whole gymnasium to reach the shower.

I left subdued and miserable. But I did see Sally there, I had known her for past month at public pools. She had joined Racquet Club two weeks before we did. In fact it was on her recommendation we had joined. And when I bumped into her in the pool, she said she had never seen it so crowded. So I realized today is not a typical day, and that gave me hope.

And it turned out that was their Labor Day bar b q with a band. Ordinary days were different.

And eventually we got used to the Club. It was a much longer drive. The pool did not have my wonderful deep water which I love so much at public pools, nor that view of the mountains to die for, nor showering with no roof, so you shower under blue sky and sunshine. But it had luxuries I never knew about before. There was a jacuzzi right next to the pool, and it was delicious to go into that very hot water. I loved the jacuzzi. And a year later, I discovered there was a girls shower room right off the pool. I didn’t have to go into the sports center and walk thru all that air conditioning. I could just go into the little girls shower room and have a nice shower. It was simpler. And I like simple.

And Bill loved all the facilities it offered. He loved the steam room, the sauna, the indoor jacuzzi with the great jets. He loved the weight room. And one evening I talked to a lovely woman in the pool. She said “I teach yoga here, the yoga is free. My class is in one hour, 6PM on Fridays, why don’t you come.” And I said “my husband has never taken yoga, he might like it.” And I told Bill “a lovely woman named Maryanne invited you to her yoga class.” And he went and fell in love with yoga. He took all the classes with all the various teachers.

And so we began to congratulate ourselves on what we discovered. It was luxurious that it was open 24/7 and we never had to look at the clock. Public pools are only open for 3 hours when school is in session. And we got to know the people there, and they were all very nice people. At public pools you take your swim, you take your shower, and you leave. But at the Club there is plenty of time to schmooze in swim pool, schmooze in jacuzzi. I realized I was making friends in Tucson. And Bill made friends too.

But some things were not so perfect about it. They were always holding tennis matches or squash matches, or handball matches, where people came from all over the country to compete, it was crowded and noisy. In summer the Friday bar b q open-to-the-public began early, with loud band you couldn’t get away from. Half the time when I wanted to swim, they were holding aerobics class, which was amplified instructions from the teacher, and you could only stand in a tiny corner of pool till aerobics class was over. There was just too much activity there for a girl who liked a quiet swim.

And eventually there was no such thing as a quiet swim. I now knew everybody. So it was like arriving at a “splash party” every day. I would schmooze instead of swimming. I would over-socialize. I would leave with a headache. I really did love the people I met there. They are the nicest people in the world. But one long conversation is usually as much as I can handle. And I was having 5 or 6 each time I came. And because Bill liked to work out in weight room before his swim, we would be there for 3 hours. I would spend an hour in pool, and then 2 hours schmoozing in jacuzzi, waiting for him to finish.

So even tho I loved all the people there and was very attached to them, and shed a big tear, when public pools lowered their rate to $80 a year for both of us, in mid-May over a year ago, we went back to public pools. It was a huge relief not to have to write out that check for $67 each month, sometimes I hadn’t had it. And it was nice to return to all that peace and beauty. It was nice to finish my swim and feel like a million dollars again, instead of all washed out from too much socializing.

There was a two week overlap. Because we were paid up at the club till May 31, and bought the year membership at public pool on May 15th. I never went back to the Club, but Bill really wanted to take advantage of those last two weeks. He took me swimming at public pool, and then spent the evening taking yoga classes, working out in their gym, enjoying the steam room and jacuzzi and schmoozing with his friends.

And then it was over and our life was now the public pools, and I was much happier. Some of the friends we made there are now our friends. Sue got me back into my writing, and I send her my stories on email. Maria found out I am a writer and invited me to Barnes and Noble writers meetings. And I post Layla’s beautiful paintings on my Blog. And Bill’s friend Jim became our good friend. He lives in our neighborhood, so we have someone to exchange favors with. The Club may not have provided peaceful swims, but it gave us a social life.

You have to have friends for your life to expand. And the Club is where we found our friends. Jim, and Layla, Maria, Sue, and Sally are our friends now. Yes we have wonderful acquaintances at the public pools too. Where your heart beams with love when you see them. And Bill loves having conversation with Doug in the lanes, and I enjoy my chit chat with Gail.

But a friend is someone you share your life with, they are there for you, and you are there for them. And as heavenly as it is, that there is someone to do you the favor when you really need the favor, it is just as meaningful and gratifying in another way, that you can do the favor for them when they need the favor.

It is this interdependency which brings the deep closeness into your life. I have now called Jim so many times when I needed help. He has now called us so many times when he needed help. This is what has brought intimacy into our Tucson life.

It is the hidden roots of friendship. On the surface there is the conviviality of the high school football games he and Bill go to on Friday nights, or the two times he came over on Saturdays to spend an hour watching the football game on tv with Bill. But never would I have gone last Saturday to buy a delicious cake at bakery, have her put half in a separate box for Jim to take home for his mom, and then gone to Sunflower to buy their expensive assortment of cold cuts, plus fresh tomato, lettuce, and French bread, so Jim could fix himself nice sandwich while watching game -- spending two hours the night before planning out how to provide a nice spread for Jim in case he stopped by for an hour to watch some of the game, and then carrying out all my plans to the letter -- these are the fruits of intimacy. Before the Club our only friends were Margot, and Jan and Harry. Because of the Club we have more friends.

So I really don’t know how to describe our experience of going to JCC yesterday when public pool was closed for Labor Day. I had no idea they were having their Labor Day party poolside. The music was horrendous, as loud as it was at the Club, this was amplified far more. I realized this is how a person could go insane, if they could not get away from this noise. They were very generous and kind to let us both have the one-day-pass for 10 dollars, instead of upholding the rule “ten dollars per person.”

And the JCC is much more beautifully set up than Racquet Club. That really was just a tennis club, everything else was added later. The Sports and Fitness Center at JCC was designed beautifully from the start. The pool is laid out nicely in the grounds. There are shaded areas around it. It’s a better club. And the picnic party is not a money- making enterprise as it is at Racquet Club. Every member could have free hot dog, chips, and lemonade, iced tea or water. It costs $20 more a month than Racquet Club does, but it is worth it. You can see the mountains as you swim. It is in a country part of Tucson, and it is not the long drive to Racquet Club.

Bill went to the weight room, while I tried to keep my head under water as much as I could because of the horrible noise from the amplified "music." And then I took 3 jacuzzis to get away from the noise. The jacuzzi is indoors, but nice and hot with good jets. The people were all lovely. Of all the clubs in Tucson, this one is, no comparison, by far the best.

And if we had the money, for sure Bill should join. He loved the weight room. He loved the jacuzzi and the steam room. They have the yoga. They even refrigerate the water in swim pool in summer, so it is not hot like at Racquet Club or public pools. It is delicious frosty swim. And the basketball court is so luxurious that the Wild Cats have their basketball camp there. It is the club which has everything, and it is the best.

But for me, it is a matter of “been there, done that.” It was every luxury a girl could possibly want. The ideal club. But what can you say. I have discovered I like simplicity best. If we had the money it would be great for Bill to join, he loves all the things the JCC offers. But even tho it would only cost $20 more a month for me to join, I would stay at the public pools. I have found a place where I am happy. It doesn’t have any luxuries, but it has the things I love the best. The very deep water. I love deep water. The quietness and peace. I love quiet, I love peace. That view of the mountains, I love beauty. And the simple seamless way it integrates into my day.

The JCC is an ideal country club, and even tho a very affordable country club, always seemed like a dream come true to me. To my very great surprise, I don’t want a country club. I like a public pool where you shower under the blue sky. And bird song.

Love, Annie

“A new start in more ways than one”

"Tucson" by Felix Pasilis

September 3rd 2007, Labor Day, 6:46 AM

“A new start in more ways than one”

Today is a lovely morning. It is starting to dry up. Finally! Monsoon season is coming to an end. Thank God. Everything will be easier if we have drier air. It means the nights will cool down again. It means the house won’t be filled with bugs biting you. And the heat won’t burn. Also spirits rise when the air is not heavy dense and hot. The cool weather does not arrive until October but September can offer a lot of relief. If it is willing to cool down to 98, and with longer nights and shorter days, if it will just dry up out there, our weather will become bearable. September has a lot to offer.

We have made it thru another long hot horrible summer. An endurance test, an ordeal. And none of us is the same person we were before it began. It is a long purification process-- being subjected to such prolonged intensity, and the absolute simplification of your life in response.

But we did it! September is here and September is anti climax. Soon the song birds will start arriving from the north. Somewhere far up north cold will start to crawl in, and the birds will take wing for sunnier warmer climes. The birds who winter in Tucson will start arriving in 3 weeks, and bring their new wonderful melodies with them.

And they will bring fresh new cold air currents. The birds bring more than their song when they arrive. They bring the world of the north to us here in the deep south. And their songs sing the cool weather into coming to us too. The wind currents follow the song of the birds and find their way to Tucson, the wonderful fresh cool air of the north. By early October the birds will all be here, and they will have brought the weather they sang to here.

And the desert will rise up in beauty to greet it. We have a great beauty here. We are the world of the purple mountains. We are the world of the deep deep flawless blue huge sky, and the brilliant radiant sun. We are the world of crystal clarity. Our beauty has been denied to us all thru the long hot horrible summer. We dwelt in a world unfit for man or beast. I don’t know why we all had to go thru all this. But we did. And we are changed from it. The long monotony had its virtues. Life lived so long stripped down to bare essentials does leave you free-er when it’s over.

I haven’t figured out yet how to get the clutter out of the house, that will take an effort, but there is zero clutter left in my life. And maybe that is what the summer does for us, it empties out our life. Chairs may be filled up with clothes and pocketbooks and what not, but days are empty as can be. The great simplification has taken place. What the new year will bring I don’t know. But the Jewish New Year arrives in 3 weeks, which is when the new year on the desert starts too. When life starts up again after the long simplification process has ended.

And if your life is a mirror of your mind, an outward projection of what is in your mind, then despite the ups and downs of emotions this summer, there is a start of sanity. A shift away from madness to peace has definitely occurred. Outbreaks of madness are shorter and further apart and less consuming. In that sense it is like a seasonal change, when an old season is on its way out and new season is on its way in. Some shifts have occurred in my major relationships, my feelings about them are more peaceful. Hahaha maybe my mind is clearing up. Because the people I am closest to are starting to come into focus for me. It’s like there was a thousand distorting lenses between me and them. And it’s like one-by-one each distorting lens has been lifted.

When I will reach the bottom of the distorting lenses I don’t know -- when there is nothing to distort between me and them, and I see them all perfectly clearly and perfectly peacefully. But an end goal is like a Shangri-la fantasy, like the dream of winning the jackpot lottery. It isn’t where I live. Where I live is where I am right now. And O what a difference it makes, that half the distorting lenses have been evaporated from my mind. And so much madness went with it. Total sanity I know not what it is. But the beginnings of sanity I am now living. And I love it. This is the true beginning for me.