stories of my life in Tucson AZ and NYC

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

“Swimmers”


Tucson, a painting by Felix Pasilis

Tuesday, April 29, 2008 very early morning

"Swimmers"

The sky is filled with small cotton ball clouds. After there not being a cloud in the sky for weeks, it is very pretty this sky speckled with clouds. It changes the look of the sky, and it is a nice new look. Our afternoons have turned so warm, that I am not fazed at idea of the coolness and dampness clouds mean. Our winter was so long and so cold, that I was never happy to see the clouds. I wanted every ounce of warmness the sun brought. But I am at that luxurious stage now, few days before May, we can afford a little coolness and dampness. We can enjoy the sight of puffy white clouds set in our blue sky. We can enjoy a new sight up there. The green of the trees has changed color too now that May is the day after tomorrow. When we arrived at Billie's pool yesterday, the mesquite trees were all adorned in green velvet. There is one time of year when the green turns into velvet, and it is so pretty and very luxurious, the way velvet is always luxurious.


Billie is in charge of all the pools, beside being head lifeguard at his pool, the Catalina pool. I have friends at that pool too. Most people just have a favorite pool and only go to that one, but Bill and I have two favorites, Catalina and Fort Lowell, so we go to both, and have friends in both places. I really don’t know how to describe pool friends. You swim there day after day, year after year, and only see each other in the shower. I imagine for the longest time chitchat in the shower would be “is the shower warm?” or about the temp of pool, or about the weather. It doesn’t go beyond our immediate shared experience. And then gradually you learn a little more. You find out the reason the girl blows dry her hair every day, even tho it takes a long time, and dresses so nicely, is because she is a teacher and has to go back to work, and she doesn’t want them to know she just came from swim pool. And the girl I have become friends with recently, over this past year, her name is Sherry, I found out during the winter she cleans houses for a living. But I found out yesterday under the shower, she is a photographer, and her photographs will be in the show of women artists next week.


It’s an inside out way of getting to know people, but feels so natural. You know how they swim, because they are in the lane next to you or occasionally share your lane. You know them naked under the shower. You know all their outfits, you watch them put on their underpants. You know how they shower and wash their hair. But it is forever before you find out anything they do in the outside world. Literally forever, it can be a few years.


Wow two huge black birds just arrived at top of tree outside Caren’s house. They are as big as seagulls. I wonder if they are crows or ravens. They are the biggest birds to ever arrive right outside my yard. I live in a world of very small birds. Most are sparrows. The morning doves are bigger, but a pigeon looks huge when it arrives in my yard. So you can imagine how big these black birds are, they are twenty times bigger than a pigeon. I have never seen such a huge bird in a branch which sticks up outside my window. They are so huge, the branch bent under their weight.


And it wasn’t just a branch, it was an actual tree limb. It is a huge event, like visiting royalty. All the little birds flew around. It caused big stir and excitement.


I don’t know the men at Catalina pool as well as I do the women, because I am never in the shower with them. But I now exchange warm hellos with the ones who have been arriving every day for years. We are familiar to each other. One guy mentioned few years back, I don’t know if it was to me or I overheard it, he was professor at the university here, and I got the idea he was law professor. But in the autumn I asked him, and he said he is anthropology professor. So of course I told him I used to be Girl Friday to Bob Carneiro, the anthropologist at the Museum of Natural History in New York City, and to my surprise Jeff (that is his name), it turns out knows him.


We never had another conversation, just friendly hellos, till yesterday. I was swimming in the first lane, by the deck, and he came out all dressed after his swim. He had been worried the water was too cold, so I asked him if he had liked it. And he said “yes, it was perfect.” And then for some reason he stuck around for conversation. I saw him do this last week, the same thing. He dressed after his swim and had long conversation with girl lifeguard about dancing, he loves to go dancing.


And he talked about dancing with me too. I said “what kind of dancing do you do?” And he said “every kind.” And he named all kinds of dancing I had never heard of. And described them all to me. Many are variations of folk dancing, or square dancing, or reels, but he also likes country western, and all other kinds. When he finished describing the dancing he had done over the weekend, which is a kind of reel, I said “O Jeff, you have a great life.” What do I know! I thought, it’s a nice life being anthropology professor at university, and swimming every afternoon, and going dancing in the evenings. As I said to Jeff, “nothing is as much fun as dancing.” And as soon as I said “you have a great life,” he gave that kind of laugh. I know that laugh. I should have recognized what it meant the instant he laughed it. But it just wasn’t where my mind was at all yesterday afternoon, in the middle of swimming in that delicious water, in the bright happy sunshine. It is a strange laugh of release, when your life is total trauma, it’s a very sincere laugh from the bottom of your soul, where you laugh at your predicament. That is the kind of laugh he gave when I said he has a great life. And he said “dancing is good because it’s an escape, it can take your mind off what is going on in your life right now.”


I forget about the world of suffering when I am not in it. It is a world which doesn’t exist for me when I am not in it. And I wish there were some way I would not feel so hurt for someone else when I discover they are in it right now. I would not want anyone to feel hurt for me when I am in it. When I am in it, I know, despite the unbearable stress, that I am a soul who is growing. No one has to feel sorry for me, or hurt that I am having this. Because as stressful as it is, a beautiful new growth and blossoming is taking place. Life is being renewed. But maybe it is not such a tragic thing I see Jeff with compassionate eyes now. It is a reminder we are all one, and having the same life. We are all each branches off the same tree. We belong together....

Bill said what I saw is the black hawks which circle high up above Tucson all the time but never alight. I guess I am lucky they alit for me, they have huge wing span

I can't find pic on net of hawks I saw, but this painting by Ron Bower comes close. Altho my hawks were completely pitch black

Ron Bower has nice paintings of birds, to see them click here

Monday, April 28, 2008

"The Shopping Trip"



Tucson, painting by Felix Pasilis

Monday, April 28, 2008 7:30 AM

"The Shopping Trip"

Buzzing black bumblebee

It’s quite pretty out right now. A waterfall of green, cascading green from the top of the blue sky. It’s a yellow green, so yellow sun must be shining on all the leaves now. Birds are chirping. It is warm and summery and has May Day written all over it. There are even some lovely breezes which come and go and ruffle the leaves. It is a nice morning.

Yesterday was not a peachy-keen day for me. I did a shopping trip. I don’t know why I did it. Maybe because it was Sunday, the day when traffic is so light. And maybe because I got an email notice 40 per cent off whatever you spend in the store. Maybe because I had been promising myself this since my birthday and never did it. Maybe because I knew the big heat would be coming in fairly soon and didn’t want to be driving around in that. Whatever the reason is, on the way to Fort Lowell Pool I asked Bill in the car if he needed art supplies. “Yes I do,” he said, “I’m out of oil pastels, I am out of charcoal, I am out of..” (I forgot the other thing). “So will you take me to Lane Bryant after swimming?” I said. “Yes” he said. The art supply store, Michael’s, and Lane Bryant are in the same shopping center at Kolb and Broadway.

We had nice swim in water a little too chilly for comfort and I quickly showered and washed my hair. He was waiting in the truck. And we set off. The first thing he said was “I don’t want to be doing this, I am doing it for you.” Which let me know he was not gung-ho about this trip. His resistance grew even greater as we drove along. But he chose a nice route, we swung around and could see the mountains on all sides. I liked the drive.

Our two stores are at opposite ends of huge shopping center. So there was one of those conversations about logistics, as he parked in front of my store. Which wound up with me saying, “forget it! I won’t buy clothes, you won’t buy art supplies, we'll just go home!” So we decided I would get off here and shop. He would walk all the way back to Michael’s, pick out the art supplies he wanted. Walk all the way back. We’d meet at the truck and then drive over. I’d pay with my credit card. And then he’d take me to Long John Silver’s for my snack. During my swim I had been starving the whole time, I forgot to eat before we left to swim.

I didn’t know why he didn’t want to drive himself to Michael’s and drive himself back. But he didn’t. And that was up to him. I knew I would be long time in store. I hadn’t shopped in long time and I didn’t intend to shop again for long time. And this store is very out of the way. And (obviously) he doesn’t like coming here.

They didn’t really have any bargains. I went to the clearance corner first, and nothing was really a bargain, and nothing was very nice. But I picked out a few items and then asked the sales girl. I said “my husband doesn’t like driving here, so can you show me your favorite things in the store.” And she said “I’ll show you the new items which just came in.”

And between one thing and another, a lot of items were found. She chose a few items from the new stuff for me. And then she went to the clearance corner and found some items she liked. And she chose a top in the new stuff which she said with all the discounts is only 12 dollars. And then I discovered in a corner, new stuff which is no longer the new stuff, it is not marked down yet, but is not prominently displayed. It must have been the new stuff when spring first started. It was two tops and a skirt I liked. All the other stuff was stuff which I thought ‘that could work,’ but these two tops and skirt were pretty, my eyes were drawn to them right away, it is just what I like. I like that sweetheart style, and I like those colors, heathery green and heathery light purple. And I like that material too, kind of linen-y. So I added that at the end.

And I knew all together this was going to cost a fortune. I’m surprised I decided to do it. I prepared myself not to be shocked by saying, “it will come to $120.” But instead it was $167, which is a lot of money. And is maybe why I was up half the night worrying about money.

It was Sunday, it was the 40 per cent off sale, store was crowded, I had to wait in line to pay. And there appeared Bill, hot bothered and bewildered. “I just have to pay” I said.

When I got out, he was buzzing like one of those huge big black bumblebees which get trapped on the screen, and don’t realize the open window is right next to it. “Let’s just go home!” he said, “I don’t want any art supplies!” “No!” I said, “we're here, let’s go get your art supplies.” “I waited in the truck for you long time, it was so hot.” “I’m sorry” I said, “I’m sorry, let’s go get the art supplies.” He refused but I wanted him to cave in. I knew if he bought art supplies, it would excite him and make him happy, and take the edge off all the waiting around he did for me.

So he relented and drove over there and parked by Long John Silver. Because he hated the idea he was going to have to take me there afterwards.

We went into Michael’s, he found the art supplies he had picked out for himself right away. They were very good price which made him very happy. And I asked the cashier if there were any coupons in today’s paper for what Bill chose. And it turned out one had a 3 dollar coupon off, which she took out of her drawer and had me sign for. Saving 3 dollars didn’t seem like a big deal to me when I was plotzing from having spent $167, but I knew it would make Bill happy and it did. All his art supplies had come to 20 dollars, I had spent a whole lot more money than he did. I had bought a ton of clothes, the bag was so heavy I could hardly carry it, the bag with his art supplies was so light you could hardly feel it.

Then I ordered fish sandwich, plus extra slice of fish for 99 cents, at Long John Silver’s. But it was so crowded on a Sunday, it was a very long wait to be served. And I looked up and there was Bill, he had gotten tired of waiting in hot car.

Actually when I think about it, we both negotiated all the difficulties very well. We had harmonious drive home. And I thanked him for all the favors and said he made me very happy, and I love what I got shopping, which I do. And I loved my snack which I ate in the car, which I did.

And then because I was wiped out by such an unusual afternoon, I went in to lie down in front of tv. And he waited till it got cool and went up on roof to work on the coolers, which he did for a long time. Before he went on roof he drove to Sunflower Market for makings for spaghetti sauce. We always have opposite rhythms about these things. He is dazed and confused while we do our shopping trips, but then clear and enterprising when we get home, he worked on the roof for hours and then made the spaghetti sauce. Whereas I am clear and enterprising while we do the shopping trip, but dazed and confused and out of sorts when we get home. We are the reverse of each other.

And I think everything would have been fine but we ran into a few problems of our own, which had nothing to do with our shopping excursion. Something irritated him while he was cooking, I don’t know what, maybe a bug flew into the sauce. I heard him cursing out a bug. And somehow the cursing went on a long time. Maybe he was not enjoying cooking, he was forcing himself to finish it. And he washed all the dishes which were in the sink, and maybe that made him curse too. And then he went in to watch tv. And it was one of the nights where nothing was on. So he was frustrated and bored and started to complain.

I had spent a long time in front of the tv with nothing on too, but somehow the shows were pleasant enough to hold my interest. But I got up and went to computer and checked email, and started to post on my news forum. Beanie wanted to be with Bill, Bill wanted Beanie with him. And when I am in back bedroom watching tv, Beanie is always by me.

Posting was a good solution for a girl who had not had satisfying tv watching for past few hours. Because I could concentrate and be fully engaged. Bill doesn’t seem to have an alternative when tv doesn’t work. Altho he called out “Monster-in-law’ with Jane Fonda is on,” so I guess he found a movie which held his interest. And then both of us unruffled our feathers. I got caught up posting about topics which interest me, and enjoying the posts of others, and having conversation.

And then I decided to call it a night. I watched a little of “Monster-in-law” but she was torturing that poor girl. So I switched to “MASH,” and it was a very interesting show. And then I shut off the tv and the light and went to sleep. Till some time around 2 am when I was wide awake and worried about money. I know an extravagant shopping trip won’t break me. What will break me is the big car repair bill from last week, which will show up on Credit Card in two days. And paying property taxes tomorrow, which will show up on Credit Card next month. And it’s really not fair to myself to make such a production that I spent $167 in Lane Bryant, when those are the two bills which are going to swamp the whole ship.

I had just read a Letter from God that morning, communicated by God to Gloria Wendroff, she takes down a letter from God every morning and posts it on her site and every day I read it. And the one for yesterday morning was really and truly about “don’t worry!” God really wants us to break the habit of worrying. Not only is it a waste, He said, but it lowers your spirits, it brings you down. And so I was up for the next 3 hours both worrying and trying not to worry. Worrying wasn’t getting me anywhere, but neither was trying not to worry. Worrying wasn’t solving my money problem, but trying not to worry was not solving my worry problem. I was just too bogged down and wide awake in my mind.

I tried to watch tv to distract myself, and by a miracle I found a very interesting movie. But there were too many commercial interruptions. I liked being in the movie because it took me out of my mind, but every 10 minutes I had to mute it for the ads and be back in my mind. LOL! At 4 am movie was over, it had very happy ending, and the morning shows began, and I wondered if I was just going to be up all night. It’s funny that I had turned into that huge black bumblebee, frustrated and upset that I can’t get thru the screen, when the open window is right there. But I guess that is the kind of day it was.... And now it is Monday new day and new week, and hopefully I will find a way to rise above all of this....

Sunday, April 27, 2008

“3 Little girls in shower in swim pool”




Tucson by Felix Pasilis

Sunday, April 27, 2008 8:09 AM

“Summer”

“3 Little girls in shower in swim pool”


Well the start of early summer has begun. It is delightful. It began 4 days ago. But I didn’t recognize it for what it was. All the ingredients were there. I knew this feel was familiar somehow, but it isn’t till this morning I realize it is summery. Everything feels summery. The early mornings are so dreamy and soft and feathery and summery. You wake up to soft feathery mornings. It’s just a downy time. Even the blue of the sky is a soft blue. The air is soft, the colors are soft. It is soft world, a dreamy soft world, with the call of the morning doves echoing thru every yard in Tucson.

It is the call of the morning doves which is the sound of summer on the desert. It is 3 long notes with the third note the longest. Like rata tat taaaaaaat. Except the sound is not staccato. It is deep and throaty. O now one morning dove has answered the other’s call. I hear them calling to each other from opposite yards, one from the east of me, one from the west of me. I don’t know how to describe the sound. I guess people must call it a wail. But it is more like the sound of tugboats on the river, if the horns were more melodious and a little flutier. If the tug boats chirruped out their horns, it might sound like the morning doves. Obviously no other bird makes calls like that, they are all like penny whistles compared to the doves.

At one of the swimpools I go to-- Fort Lowell, high up by the mountains, the one where Samantha is head lifeguard-- when school is out for the summer, the day camps in Tucson bring the kids there for long afternoons of swimming in that huge wonderful pool with two diving boards. The grown-ups have lap swim from 11 to 1, and then at 1 o’clock exactly the buses arrive with the day camps kids. That is always when me and Kathleen and Moira are naked under the shower after our swim. And none of us like it that all the little girls cluster together, stare and point and giggle, at the sight of us naked. We are washing our hair, talking to each other, and suddenly we look up and there is that audience. Sometimes they run and get their friends. This goes on all summer vacation till the kids are back in school. And we have huge relief that showering naked under the blue sky and bright sunshine, that bathhouse has no roof, is once again peaceful private and pleasant.


The result is, that now each time when I finish my swim on the weekends, and come to take my shower, and see 3 little girls in there already playing in the showers, I think “O no! I won’t want to take off my bathing suit.” I don’t like being a show, neither does Kathleen nor Moira. But this is the 4th time in a row, over the past month or so, that I have been pleasantly surprised. The little girls who were in the showers didn’t want to laugh and point at me, they wanted to play with me. And I am beginning to think some of them may be the same little girls from last time.

Because when I arrived yesterday, and they were all sitting on the little bench together (little girls are so little, 3 little tushies can fit on that little shelf meant to hold your shower articles), and they had the hand-held shower splashing all over them, I didn’t recognize them. I just thought “I’m not going to want to take off my suit.” They were all there in bathing suits of course, little girls are exceptionally modest, they never take off their bathing suits in the shower.

But to my surprise they all lit up when they saw me and the very first thing they said to me was “Are we supposed to take off our bathing suits.” And I lit up, because I realized they must be the same 3 little girls I had played with last week. “YES!” I said, “we can take off our bathing suits, because no boys allowed!” Which made them giggle, which made me giggle. As we were all stripping off our bathing suits and standing under shower naked, I said “little boys two months old are allowed, and boy kitties and boy puppies.” We all giggled happily naked under the shower. How beautiful those 3 naked little girls looked, like nymphs. Which is maybe why I said, when they asked if I wanted their shower. I said “no, that is the magic shower, it only works for little girls, and angels and mermaids, but doesn’t work for ladies. The magic shower must think you are angels or mermaids, because it will work for you.”


This is actually true. That shower is the only one with great water pressure. But I can’t get it to work for love or money. It comes down a long hose, and has a big nozzle at end, that you can hold in your hand and spray yourself with. But it goes on by detecting you are there and goes off when it doesn’t detect you. I try and try to get it work for me, but it only does work for the little girls. They have the secret to it. Of course it goes on for me when I don’t want it to. When I go over to get my towel, it knows I am there, and sprays huge gush of water all over all my clothes and my pocketbook. It is always going on when I don’t want it to, and making all my possessions soaking wet. But if I ever want it to work to rinse out the soap from my hair, forget it! It won’t work no matter what I do. I simply move over to the regular shower with low water pressure.

It was so much fun chit-chatting with the little girls, all of us naked, in the showers. They, all 3 in the magic shower, me in the normal shower with low water pressure, about angels and fairies and mermaids, and how no boys are allowed in except boy kitties and boy puppies. It is one thing I have in common with little girls, these are my favorite topics of conversation. I like to giggle under the shower too. Their mother called to them, so they had to leave. But when they stay till the end, while I am drying off and spraying perfume on, then we all stand naked under the sunshine by the benches, and I spray the Angel perfume on them too. It really is angel perfume, its name is Heavenly. But I change the name to “Angel perfume” and ask if they want some and they always say yes. I loved perfume when I was little girl.

It always makes showering so much fun for me when the 3 nymphs are there. And I don’t think they are always the same nymphs. They recognize me, but I don’t recognize them. I think they are always different nymphs, or variations of the nymphs. There must be lots of variations in the 3 little girls who come swimming together.

O the summer breezes have blown in, that is a treat. And the call of the morning dove is even louder. I wonder if he is in my yard now. It will be May in a few days, and our desert has already turned into May. May, the first lovely month of summer, when summer isn’t really here yet but the dream of summer has arrived.

Saturday, April 26, 2008

My Mom


Tucson, by Felix Pasilis

Saturday, April 26, 2008, 8:10 AM

“The play of our lives”

“My Mom”

It is unbelievably still out there. One teeny tiny leaf at end of long thin branch is stirring just the slightest bit. But not one single other leaf in tree is even moving. I wonder why the air is so still. The birds are still hopping around, and the huge big black bumblebee alighted on the tree. O now the ever slightest air current arrived. There is subtle swaying of leaves. But now it stopped. It is perfectly still and perfectly quiet, except for the bird calls. It makes you think today will be a hot day because of the stillness of the early morning air. It still seems unusual to me the air could be this still. Is there a hush? Or Planet having a dream? How odd to look out and not a leaf moving. It’s like a film where someone pressed “stop” or “freeze.” Except the birds are all flying about. But the world they are flying about in, is stock still.

Because my dad went to Heaven 14 years ago, my mom is in charge now. There is one parent instead of two. There is just her. She is in charge of everything. Which appears to boil down to being in charge of the money. But money seems to encompass a lot. I often wonder if I would act any differently towards her if she did not have this power to give or withhold money. I have a hunch I wouldn’t. Because even tho I am happy when she is generous, disappointed when she isn’t-- there are many many waves of feelings about how she is with the money-- I notice when it comes to action, I am always the same to her. I guess your relationship with your mom takes place on so many levels at the same time.

It just seems interesting and unusual to me now, right at this instant, altho I never thought about it before, that the last twenty years, or the last phase, or the last act of the play, should be Annie and Danny and Sophie. It was Sophie and Larry my whole life and it seemed like it would be Sophie and Larry forever. It is your mom and dad your whole life and seems like it would be mom and dad forever. That that is the constellation, Dad and Mom, Annie and Danny. And then suddenly Dad leaves the family for Heaven. Which leaves Mom as the big cheese, Mom stands alone, she is it, she has to do everything, she is the only parent, all relationship is with her. She is front and center.

That is what makes this 3rd Act in all of our lives so interesting now. For everyone it is different. Harry has both of his parents, nothing changed for him. Jill has her dad but not her mom. For Jan both parents are in Heaven. Each has a different configuration in their life now. And most of us, not Harry of course, have a different configuration than the one we had our whole life.

It is different for me than for many others because I am New Age, and do believe 2012 marks the end of the world and the beginning of Heaven on earth. I believe a whole new play starts on 2012. So what we are in now is the final act of the play we have been in our whole lives. That it is Act 3 and the curtain will come down, and go back up on a whole other play.

Where nothing is the same.

And I am finding this 3rd and final Act very interesting.

It is just odd that my dad is not around for the 3rd Act. You wonder sometimes what things would be like if he were. This is not something I ever wondered about in any other area ever before. My husband always does, about everything. “If JFK had not been shot, how would it all have worked out?” “If we had done this instead of that, how would it have all worked out?” He constantly changes all the configurations we have been dealt in every department of life, to wonder how it would have worked out with that configuration. But I have never done that. This is the very first time I have been curious about a different configuration. If my dad were still here, what would this 3rd Act be like.

It’s not that I don’t long for my dad. As Eddie said in his email last week about his own dad, “I miss him so.” And there is some odd way that you do miss your dad every day, missing him is always with you, and sometimes there is acute longing for him too. It’s a stream which always runs through your consciousness, the stream of your dad, like a stream in the river of your consciousness. You never miss your mom because she is there in Walnut Creek, having supper with your brother every Tuesday evening, and you get emails from her too. The way she is a constant stream in your consciousness is so different, because you are always working on your relationship with her in your mind. With my dad in Heaven I don’t do that. I love him and I miss him. I don’t work on my relationship with him in my mind. Which doesn’t mean that relationship didn’t need work too. It was just work interruptus that he went to Heaven. It ended that project, and the whole project became my mom.

It’s like front burner and back burner. Your mom is alone on the front burner, your dad is there on the backburner. You’re still in relationship with him, but it has changed, it’s a back burner relationship. My hunch with my mom, is the whole deal revolves around trying to get to know her, trying to understand her. Knowing her must be the key to everything, if I knew her I would understand her. And somehow I think the converse would then take place automatically. If I could figure out how to know my mom, and hence understand her, she would then automatically know me and hence understand me. But it appears I make zero progress in getting to know my mom. It is like some distant planet in the solar system, always shimmering off in the distance, like Neptune. It’s as if I can see her out there, but never come close.

Friday, April 25, 2008

“Eddie is coming to Phoenix”



giraffe by duniya

Friday, April 25, 2008 6:26 am

“Eddie is coming to Phoenix”

This is that pretty time when the light shines thru the green leaves, turning them into green light. And the sparrow hops from branch to branch. I am totally enjoying this world of green out my window. From my other window it is just blue sky but my eyes are always drawn back to this world of green. It still seems like a new and wonderful phenomenon to me. The sun must be just above the mountains now to be turning my leaves into green light. It is still frosty cool, the birds love this weather. They are having a happy morning. The rest of my yard is still in shade. It is just the tree right out my window which is all lit up. It is a gift for me. Lulu is still sleeping, and Beanie just left. Bill is still abed. It’s nice having warm creamy coffee in this early wide awake time.

Eddie is going to be at a conference in Phoenix for two days, during the first week in August. His sister Helen will be in New York then, she is taking Sammy in to be with his father. Helen leaves towards end of July and will be there two weeks. I don’t know Ed’s itinerary, just that he will be in Phoenix for those two days. It is so interesting to my mind that Eddie is coming all the way from Jamaica, where he has a farm and lives, to be in my neck of the woods. And Helen will be going all the way from Maui where she now lives, back to New York City. Those are both huge distances to travel, clear across the country. It’s just fun to imagine your friends in new places. I wouldn’t want any of these trips myself, I am not a traveler, I am a stay-at-home girl. But I like imagining their trips. I find it exciting and interesting picturing where they will be and what they will be doing.

Of course New York does not excite my imagination. For me it is a stale idea. I lived there way too long, way past the time when I wanted to be living there. I lived there way past the time it had turned totally stale for me. So the idea of Helen and Sammy returning there is exciting from the reunion aspect, revisiting the past, being back where we all came from, returning to your old home town. Where Helen lives now, Maui, an island in the Pacific, I have no idea what it is like. But who is not enthralled with idea of South Pacific island, it is part of the romantic imagination. Even if all of Helen’s phone calls are from when she is on the way to Costco. And she had the identical experience of unsympathetic public library policy in Maui as I had in Tucson.

As Helen said “back in New York I could talk my way out of anything, but when I couldn’t find the video to return, and lied and told them it was stolen from my car, they said ‘show me the police report.’” And in my case, a smidgeon of ice tea had spilled on a brand new huge hardback, the worst book in the world. A gazillion page hardback by Carl Bernstein about the Pope. I read two pages and gave it up. I knew why no one had taken it out before me. I was the first lender. I put it aside and sure enough iced tea spilled on it. It was a very tiny faint stain, but they wanted me to pay for the whole book. No way!

That is how both Helen and I lost our library privileges. That is how we both found out we are not still back in New York. In New York they let you get away with anything. New York is still back in the mindset of the turn of the century, last century, where it was still considered a wonderful thing that people were using the public libraries. Their attitude is not punitive. You are still looked at as an immigrant who is educating herself. You are to be encouraged to use the library.

It turns out there is a statute of limitations on lost library privileges. Either that or they lost the information on the computer. Because after I was in court on the morning of 9/11, we walked over to the Main Library. I confided to their librarian what had happened and she looked up my record and said “there is nothing against it” and issued me a new card. Which I happily used until 4 summers ago, when it had not rained for past 3 years. And I left my open library book by my open window when we went swimming and then did big supermarket shopping at Fry’s. I remember the huge downpour as we were driving back from Fry’s. Of course my bed clothes were all soaked and SO WAS MY LIBRARY BOOK. Bill worked like a dog to save my library book so I would not lose my library privileges again. He meticulously put a sheaf of loose-leaf paper in between each page of the book, and then put a huge weight on top of it, so it would not show up that the book had ever gotten wet. After all that, it was practically undetectable. But not to the Tucson public library system! Even tho I put it in the book-drop of a totally different branch library, and crossed my fingers every which way, each time I try to reserve a book on the computer, I get “please see the librarian about problem with your card.” And when I try to take out a book myself, using my card at the automated system, I get “there is a problem with your card, please see the librarian.” So I have been using Bill’s card ever since.

We were back in court in January and used the free public parking under the library. When I went upstairs to have them vouch the parking card, I thought ‘maybe the Main Branch is my lucky place, and luck will strike twice for me.” I went over to the librarian, told her what happened, and again she looked it up and said “I see nothing against your card, do you want me to make out a new card for you?” But this time I knew Bill was waiting. I didn’t want to make him wait anymore. No one goes to court unless they are in the midst of something traumatic. I just thanked her and said “I have my old card at home, I will bring it to my local library, I am so happy to hear I can use it again.” But when I punched in the numbers to reserve a book last month, again I got “please see librarian you have a problem.” So I just used Bill’s card again and forgot about it.

Naturally it is very intriguing for me that Eddie is going to be in Phoenix. Phoenix is 90 miles away from Tucson, but we are in the same huge valley. From the sky it looks like this was once an ocean bottom. And it is the kind of huge vast valley you would see at the bottom of huge vast ocean. The scale is tremendous. Which maybe explains why we get the same weather. During monsoon season, the same huge clouds cover both of us. We get the same thunder, the same lightning, the same rain. And we all get the same heat, altho everyone in Tucson is aware that Phoenix is 3 degrees hotter than Tucson. Once you got over 100 degrees, each degree feels like ten degrees. And we try to make ourselves feel cooler by constantly reminding ourselves ‘it’s hotter in Phoenix.’ Of course when we are shivering in the desert winter, we forget that. But during the inferno summer we remind ourselves 5 times a day.

Eddie will be arriving from the sweetest island in the Caribbean, a wonderful Caribbean paradise. I was once in Jamaica for 4 days, so I know. To Phoenix, which will be like the inside of a pizza oven the first week in August. But he must be used to heat in summer. I was in Jamaica in the winter, but I imagine Jamaica summers like Florida, unless the Caribbean keeps it cool. For us the humidity which comes with the monsoons is unbearable, we are used to zero humidity, we never sweat, because every bit of moisture evaporates before it forms, which cools us down, and there is no such thing as being sticky. But in monsoon season we have humidity. I don’t know how it compares to humidity in Jamaica. Because in all the time I have been in Tucson, I have only used the word “muggy” once. I tried to describe to myself what it felt like being outside and the word “muggy” came back to me from a long time ago. Tucson heat is never as bad as a NYC heat wave. The problem with desert heat is its longevity, 5 months of it. In June we love it. By September we get out the map to figure out which part of the North we want to move to. And by October we start to hold our breath, because we know sometime this month the heat will finally break. Usually by mid-October it does. And the desert is restored to its incredible beauty. That is when we get our purple mountains.

Which are actually every shade of purple. They start out as the color of black raspberry ice cream, as the sun starts to set, and wind up being every shade of purple before the sun goes down. It is the big treat we get for going thru our long endless summer.

Thursday, April 24, 2008

“Jim”


pic by duniya
(I love this pic and I love frogs)


7:15 am, Thursday, April 24, 2008

“Jim”

Well this going back to writing is turning into an adventure. The first day, it did not work at all. The next day, it did. I was thrilled. The third day, yesterday, it didn’t work as a story, but I made such an interesting insight in the middle of trying to write it, that I didn’t care it didn’t work as a story, my insight interested me. And today I woke up right after dawn, before there was a yellow sun, or any color out there, and tried again. But it did not go anywhere.

But I’ll give it another whirl today before I close up shop. It is still early morning, but more advanced. The sky is blue, the leaves are green, the sun is yellow, the birds are chirping. And I can see the black shape of my doggie taking the air, as she lies on the sweet earth, in first warm rays of sun. It is a very sweet sight, her black rounded shape.

Bill cleared out the back living room, a big dis-used room for long time, which wound up just being used for storage, to turn it into an art studio again. The long hot Tucson summer means it is too hot to be outside, he would like to paint in it this summer. I guess he must be wanting to get the feel of that room again, because for past two mornings, as soon as he cleaned it out and set it up, he now takes his art book and sits in comfortable chair and reads it there, instead of outside in first morning sun.

So we are all in different spots. I am here at desk, looking out back window into back yard, where Lulu is taking sunshine and lounging on sweet earth. Beanie of course is behind me, he likes to be wherever I am. And Bill is at other end of the house, trying to turn huge disused living room into art studio.

I got nice email from Eddie, Helen’s big brother, who is darling boy. No matter what he writes me, no matter what the topic, no matter whether we agree or don’t, I always wind up smiling at his email, and happy and thinking ‘what a darling boy.’ It is a very unusual thing to be a darling. I love my husband, I dote on my own brother, I am crazy about Bill’s friend Jim, my own dad was a honey-bunch. But darling is a very special thing. My dog Beanie is a darling and so is Eddie. Something natural and wild and sweet all merged into one perfect package.

Like glimpsing a deer in the woods. You always feels like something rare and wonderful is happening.

Well Jim and I went to 7/11 yesterday to play the lottery. “It is 157 million” Jim said on the way. Apparently Jim handed in his number from last week for the woman to check, that was the day I could not play it with him, because I had zero cash in the house. And then Jim did one of those dances you see them do on tv, a dance of triumph or ecstasy. He had won 3 dollars. And did that shuffle back and forth and swing your hips. It is the funny thing about the lottery. We always go to win 157 million and then jump for joy when we win 3 dollars. “I won! I won! I won!” I exclaim when I win my 3 dollars and Jim actually did that little dance. I have never seen Jim happy in my whole life. So watching that joyous dance had more beauty than a rainbow. There is something very special about watching a human be perfectly happy, you almost never see it. And it is like a planet jumping for joy. You don’t realize what mighty colossal creatures we each are till you feel the impact of Jim dancing with joy in 7/11.

Jim was a football player for the AZ Wildcats back in the day, and he did the dance football players do when they make a good play. It had sports written all over it.

Also Jim said on the way to play the lottery that he just got back from jury duty, and he got picked for jury, he didn’t want to be on a jury but he got picked anyway. But “the prosecuting attorney is a honey.” I think Jim’s spirits are finally rising. The prosecuting attorney is a honey, he won three dollars on the power ball. I have never seen Bill happy, I never thought I would. No man has weathered as much misfortune as he has. And two months ago, when his misfortune suddenly plummeted-- it never occurs to you when you are at the bottom, that you could fall into a huge abyss and go so much lower-- Jim did mention 3 times in 3 days, suicide. He had become desperate. But just when things were at their blackest, there was turn. About two weeks ago, the turn began. He ran into luck instead of bad luck. Some things worked out, instead of working against him, he got a few breaks. And now he is dancing in 7/11, and finds the prosecuting attorney a honey.

It’s a start.

It’s odd to realize Jim is now my best friend. I mean a best friend is an odd thing. He’s Bill’s friend. They have sports in common and go to the high school games together. And do big favors for each other, and watched Superbowl together. They have common interests and things to talk about with each other. It is a normal friendship. But somehow between one thing and another, I got close to him. Altho our conversation is only about what is on tv. He calls almost every day to say “just checking in, what are you guys up to, did you go swimming,” and then we both say what we are watching on tv and get off. It’s kind of like having a neighbor back in NYC, just someone you feel close to and comfortable with, and are used to being around, and where you know a lot about their daily life.

Every once in a while they drop a detail which fleshes out their daily life for you even more. For instance I know Jim takes Maryanne’s yoga class at the club at 8 am on Saturday mornings. I have known this for years, ever since I used to go to the club myself, which is where we first met Jim. But when I mentioned on the phone the other day “swimming is like yoga, it relaxes you,” Jim said “but it’s nice to socialize after yoga, we all go out for coffee and bagels together.” I had no idea Jim went out for coffee and bagels with Maryanne and the other members of his yoga class. It gives me a bigger picture of his Saturday mornings. That’s what I mean when I say a best friend is an odd thing. It isn’t someone you chose, somehow life threw you together. And your relationship is like a jig-saw puzzle, but one with big pieces, like a child’s. Every so often a new piece emerges, where you know exactly where to place it, and more of the picture comes into show. And picture is always about how they spend their day.

“Were you able to go to the club today?” I asked Jim when he picked me up for lottery and told me he just got back from jury duty. “No” he said, “but I hope to go tomorrow, I think the case will be over fast.” And then he said “court is so boring.” I know how boring court is which is why I was glad he said the prosecuting attorney is a honey. It was nice that something fun was taking place there.

Jim is actually the perfect juror to be on this case, whichever lawyer chose him knew what they are doing. The prosecution (I guess that means Jim’s honey) claims the trucker had 17 drinks. But Jim said he knows what 17 drinks is like, and no way could the trucker have walked the straight line perfectly if he had. “He had come out of the bar where he had been playing pool, of course he was drinking in there” Jim said. “But so what! he walked the straight line perfectly. How do they know he had 17 drinks! They don’t have any case against him, it will be over tomorrow.”

LOL it is 8:43. That means Jim is there right now. With the cute prosecutor and the hapless trucker. Well Jim I hope all your wishes come true. You get the trucker off early. You get to go to the club today for your swim and steam bath and yoga, and to show your face. I hope the pretty prosecutor asks you for your email address, and I hope you remember how to get on email. You will discover email is a lot of fun once you start getting emails from honeys....

Love and kisses, Annie

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

“I buy my first cordless telephone”



a Tucson painting by Felix Pasilis


Tuesday, April 22, 2008 8:15 AM

“I buy my first cordless telephone”

I tried to write yesterday morning when I woke up and it went nowhere so I am trying again today. I guess I will keep trying every morning until I get something to work. The last story I wrote was in December, which now seems like a lifetime away.

It is late April in Tucson. Our leaves are in full green leaf now. They are no longer in their baby colors, all that sweet chartreusey, but the green of a green leaf. I have been in Tucson so long now, 16 years, that I am used to leaves looking like this. Not huge green things, the shape of your palm, but like tiny miniature ferns. When I first arrived in Tucson I called them curlicues, I did not even consider them leaves. But now they are the leaves I am most used to.

The sky is blue, which is very nice. Altho not so visible while I am looking out my window because of all the trees being in full green leaf (curlicues), so just part of the blue sky shows. Usually I took a flawless blue sky for granted, because in Tucson you can have it for months on end. But this winter was so cold, so blustery, so long lasting, so stormy, that I am still waking up with gratitude for the blue sky. My feeling of its permanence was shaken by this endless winter. It still seems like a gift to me. In the North today would be a day in mid-May, but the desert is one month ahead of the North. We get mid-May in April.

I think we must still be in the midst of the Jewish holidays, Pesach. Because when we were driving yesterday after the swim pool to Target to get me a new telephone, Bill and I both observed the man in full orthodox dress, that black hat, that black coat, that pais (curling hair around his ears), walking home from the orthodox Synagogue. “It is Monday” I thought, “why is he walking, not driving a car?” And on the way back from Target I noticed the Jewish appetizing store was closed. “Has there just been a full moon?” I asked Bill. “Yes” he said, “a few days ago.” “Then it must be Pesach,” I said, “it lasts a week.”

Buying a telephone at Target turned out not to be simple. I had decided to buy a new phone for my desk, my regular phone, which I use to call the repairman or talk to my friends. Because the phone I have, which I had bought at Target on 9/11, has started to squeak. Whenever I am talking to someone, it emits loud squeaks and shrieks. I don’t mind it very much but I think it must be murder for the person on the other end. Bill said “how do you know it is the phone, maybe it is not plugged in right or a connection came loose.” “But a phone only costs 10 dollars now, and I think this one is having problems.” For some reason I have bought a lot of phones fairly recently, and they are always ten dollars.

So I went to the place for the phones to look for the ten dollar phone. I couldn’t find it, and got a man to help me. He didn’t want to help me. “Go look! Whatever is there we have. And if it’s not there we don’t have it.” But I made him come with me anyway. “I don’t see it,” I said. “That’s because they don’t make cord phones anymore.” “Why not?” I asked. “Because everyone wants cordless.”

The only cord phone was a pink princess phone for 30 dollars.
“Why is that phone $30, is it an exceptionally good phone, I need a good phone.”
“It is $30 because that company makes retro designs from the ‘50s.”
“I don’t want a retro design from the ‘50s for $30, I just want a regular phone.”
“You have to have a cordless phone then” he said.
“OK” I said, “which is the cheapest one?”
“That one is $10” he said.
“OK” I said, “I'll take it.”

I had never used a cordless phone before so of course I was nervous that I wouldn’t get it to work right, like a regular phone. But this is how you get pushed into new technology, they simply stop making what you are used to.

On the way to find the telephones I bought sunglasses. On the desert you really need sunglasses, it is blindingly bright. So I buy them and never wear them. Because even tho it is blindingly bright, I don’t like stuff on my face. But these were pink and pretty and I decided to give them a whirl. Of course they cost more than the phone. Then I passed purses on clearance on the way to the phone department. And there was cute, very small, just big enough for my wallet, pink shiny one. I liked it because it had a big flower on it, and was subtle, dark, dusty pink. I wondered if it was big enough for both my wallet and my (new) sunglasses, but I bought it anyway. I haven’t been in a store other than grocery store in 2 weeks, I was in the mood for treats. The tiny pink purse on clearance cost same as the phone.

It still amazes me that any chotchka you pick up at Target-- the new phone you buy costs less than that. A new phone is the price of two 12 packs of soda. How can a telephone be so inexpensive. Soon it will be the price of a package of gum.

I seem to be winding up with a lot of pink recently. Yesterday I bought that tiny pink purse and sunglasses with pink frames. Last month at JC Penney’s I bought a pink wallet, and on my birthday in early April I got it out of the bag and transferred all my cards into it, and am using it. And few days ago in CVS Pharmacy, where we stopped to buy soda, I asked the salesgirl which is her favorite nail polish. “Hot pink” she said. And she led me to her 3 favorites, all shades of hot pink, and I bought all 3. My fingernails are one shade of it now, and my toe nails another shade. Hahaha I am accessorized in pink.

In the morning, before we went to the swim pool, I dealt with the mystery of the disappearing bank card. Apparently some time last week my new bank card had arrived. And I had sensibly called the phone number on the back to activate it right away, and was amazed it went thru with no problem. That is the bank card I use all the time to pay for purchases or to get money. I don’t think I realized my old one had expired, because I had some idea I now had two.

However it seems to me, I could not find my purse with my wallet in it right away, so I had just put it on top of the heap of clothes on my chair, figuring I would do it later. “Isn’t this nice!” I thought, “I am trusting myself! Ordinarily I would never just sit it on top of the huge heap of clothes on my chair, I would assume I would lose it. I would force myself to put it in its proper place, my wallet, right now. But now I trust myself. I trust myself that I am a person of wits, who will not lose her bank card.”

When we were in CVS Pharmacy 4 days ago, I hadn’t brought my wallet, so I asked Bill for his bank card to pay for the four 12-packs of soda and 3 nail polishes. I wanted some cash too, I had none at all. But my pin number was rejected. I assumed I had remembered it wrong and tried all 3 variations. All 3 were rejected so I paid with Credit Card.

It wasn’t till I went to the bakery on Saturday and tried to use it to pay for the bread and pastry, and it was rejected, that I discovered it had expired. This time it was my own card. “O! so that is why they sent me the new one” I thought, “the old one expired.” I told Bill in the car and he said “they must have sent mine too.” And I said “I didn’t feel another card in there.” And I said “when I get home, I will have to find my bank card.”

And I really did look every place. Not that day, but the next day. All day Sunday I looked for it, and even again a little yesterday morning. In the process I hung up all the clothes which had been on that chair since Christmas. There was a ton of clothes, but no bank card shook out of any of them. “Well maybe I imagined I put it on top of my clothes, maybe I left it on the desk and the huge winds which blew in, blew it on the floor.” And I actually did pick up some of the papers the wind had blown on the floor, while I was looking for the bank card, but I didn’t see it. So then I looked in improbable places, old wallets, on top of bills, all around. Plus Bill had said “they must have sent my bank card too then.” What had I done with that! I had never even remembered seeing it.

So then mid-morning yesterday, when I had hung up the rest of the clothes from the chair, and no bank card showed up, I called the bank. Jennifer said “no, they don’t mail both cards out together.” I said “Bill’s never arrived.” She said “call this number to cancel his, and cancel yours, and then an hour later I will order you new bank cards, it will take about 10 days.” “So I should look in mail for his separately from mine?” “Yes” she said. “It’s hard” I said, “because it is always from an address I don’t recognize, and sent out so obscurely, I never realize it is a card, till I feel the strange weight inside the envelope, but this time I will look very carefully for them.”

And when we stopped at the bank on the way to the pool so I could get some cash, I hadn’t even had the one dollar to play the lottery with Jim on Saturday. I said to the teller “how do I get cash, all I have is Bill’s old bank card?” She said “I know, I just ordered you the new cards.” “Are you Jennifer?” I said. “Yes” she said. It was so sweet that the girl who had been so kind helpful and understanding to me on the phone, was now in front of me. A pretty brunette with long hair and busty. And she was so nice to me in person too. She said “how much do you want?” I said “70, that should hold me till the new bankcard arrives.” And I signed for it, and we each wished the other a great day.

I got in the car and said “I got the cash.”
“Great!” he said, “tomorrow is dollar day at the movies, I want to go to two.”
I said “after the pool will you take me to Target, I need a phone.”
“Are you sure you do?“ he said.
“Yes I do” I said.
“Well don’t buy two of them, you always buy two of everything.”
“Nobody buys two telephones” I said. “I buy two jars of mayonnaise because mayonnaise gets used up.”

But when I walked into Target and was told they no longer make cord telephones I thought, I should have bought two when I was in Target last month buying one for Bill....