Tucson painting by Felix Pasilis
6:12 AM, Sunday, June 1, 2008
“After the darkest dreams, I wake up to sunlit world”
Well it’s a beautiful morning. So lit up, so green and colorful and blue sky and so much light, such a garden of delight, that it is transforming to look out at it. Because I had dark dark dark dreams all night. I was in such a dark spider-webby world all night, that it is incredible experience to pull my awareness out of that deep darkness and look out at all this prettiness and light. To see in reality it is a beautiful morning taking place, and not such deep darkness. I’m not mad about my dreams tho, because they had such purging effect on me.
I feel like I spent the night in a dungeon and opened my eyes when I woke up to paradise.
I explored the deepest darkest corners of my mind in my dreams. Even that awful place where the awful hot withering breath of fear lives. The awful dragon which lives in the awful dungeon of my mind. The denizen of the dungeon, who presides over the underworld of my mind. He blew his fetid fumes all over me and I experienced his full withering effect. It destroys everything, but beyond that, it destroys all hope. The sign to his horrible underworld really should read “abandon all hope ye who enter here.” It really was awful coming face-to-face in my dream with that experience, being so laid low by it.
But I woke up, saw dawn had just started, shut off all the night lights, put up the coffee, and to my surprise fell back asleep and to my great surprise, I don’t know if I have ever done this before, the dreams took up where they had ended before. To my very big surprise, I was sitting around a room with the very same people, where the awful breath of fear had happened. And the man turned to me, to my big surprise and said “what did you dream?” And I said the dream to him and the group. And to my big surprise he was on my side. I really wanted him to roll up the venetian blinds which covered all the windows, and to let the light stream in, and to my surprise he did it. O it was so nice to see that light stream in the windows. And he suggested we make a movie of my dream, and I thought that was a good idea, I was excited about the project.
And there was a nice dream, a dream where my big cousin Carl and his dad, and me and my dad, were all going to take a vacation together. That was special because Carl’s dad went to Heaven when he was in college, my dad went to Heaven 14 years ago, in the dream we both knew that, which is why it was so special. Father and son, and father and daughter, would all join for vacation together.
And then the last dream. I was in B & H back in New York City on the Lower East Side, on 2nd Avenue between 7th and 8th Streets right by St Marks Place. That is such a tiny hole-in-the-wall restaurant. And for some reason I walked behind the counter to get to the bathroom in the back. I opened the door and went in. But in my dream it had a bathtub in it, with spigot of cold water on one side, and spigot (I hoped) was hot water on the other side. And I filled it with water and I was washing something. And then I woke up to all this light and green paradise out my window.
It was such a change from being in that tiny bathroom in back of B & H, a room no bigger than a closet.
And from meeting the monsters in the deep subterranean realms of my mind.
But it’s still funny to wake up and know those were dreams I needed to have. I needed to have those experiences, that somehow I came out ahead from having them. That some kind of housecleaning on a deep level went on.
Altho I have no idea where I am now. The night before I had had all happy adventure dreams, and woke up happily washed ashore on beach by edge of sea, all was sweetness and light. This was the exact opposite. This is the deep awful monster underworld of my mind. All I feel from going thru it all is very cleansed somehow. Of course I would give anything to believe that after entering the fear mind so totally in my dream, coming face to face with it like that, that I could somehow be free from it. That is all anyone wants. That is what the Mass Awakening is, now exactly two years away. We simply rise up into a consciousness the fear mind can not rise up to. It is the end! Ganug! Good riddance! All over! Good bye to the fear mind!
And I tell you having met it face to face in my dreams last night, it is totally rotten. All it seeks to do is destroy me and my family. Me, my sweet husband, my two sweet dogs.
O well in two years it will be over for everyone. It is on its way out as we speak. We will all open our eyes to paradise together, and remain awake together.
But right at this minute I don’t know where I am in life. Except in this very instant. Watching the sparrow play with himself all thru my tree. Hopping from branch to branch, preening himself on each branch. Rocking back and forth and whistling and then moving on, hip hop to the ground. It is as if my dreams wiped all slates clean.
And all there is, is this garden out my window.
And the morning dove calling off in the distance.
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