"Adam"

Tucson painting by Felix Pasilis
"Adam"
written Saturday morning, 9/20/08, 8:40 AM

I had big booboo to my feeling two days ago. I can’t tell how much of it was due to the thing of it or the shock of it. It was so unexpected and from such unexpected direction. My feelings were so hurt that to my own shock I burst into tears. I was as vulnerable to my feelings as a child. This is so rare for me these days, because I have put so much effort into learning ways to hold on to my happiness thru thick and thin. I have developed so many techniques thru so many experiences, that normally they are instantly triggered when something which threatens my peace happens. If I get bad news on email, even if it is knock-out blow, at the same instant that I am reeling, I am scrambling to keep my balance. Usually I am going down and trying to get back up at the same time. This doesn’t protect me from everything, I am not invulnerable, but I always put up a good fight and eventually I get my balance back.

This thing which caused such hurt feelings two days ago is not a bad thing in its own right, it is not like bad news or something going wrong. It’s just about feelings. It’s the kind of experience a 4 year old girl could have in nursery school, if she got yelled at by the teacher. In fact everything about it is identical to experiences I did have at 4 years old, when you are so completely vulnerable and so innocent and have no idea the world can be mean to you. I am sure it was the shock which left me wide open this way. It was completely outside my experience, and in a place and in a way I never expected.

The shock happened two days ago, so I spent all that day being comforted by my Higher Self about it. And I woke up in good mood yesterday. But I really felt like I deserved a big treat. I deserved a big treat because I had had big booboo. So my Higher Self suggested before pool I go to Tuesday Morning and buy myself beautiful sheets.

Because I spend a lot of time lounging in bed in front of tv, and eat there and smoke cigarettes there and pet my dog there, and drink coffee and sodas there. No matter how careful I am, the sheet in that corner always picks up lots of stains. I think this is because of my new thing, liking to eat while lying in bed watching tv. In New York my tv was on kitchen table, so I could always have my meals in front of tv. But here in Tucson, my tv is set up so I lie in bed and watch it. So to eat and watch tv at same time I have to lie in bed and eat. At first I found this very awkward. I had never eaten while lying down before. It felt peculiar and it was awkward. But now I am more used to it and I like it. I just love to eat and watch tv at same time. When I saw that no matter how careful I tried to be, my sheets were picking up so many stains, I decided I would try to buy black sheets. I never found any. But when I was in Grocery Outlet about a month ago, they had a sheet set, which was a very very dark brown. It was only $20 so I bought it and put it right on my bed and thought “O this will make everything easier for me because I won’t have to worry about stains anymore.”

Which is true, no stains show, but the problem is I find the color ugly. Everytime I look at it, I can’t stand it because it is ugly. And even tho it is 100 per cent cotton it is a rough cotton. I had to take off the dark brown pillow case, it was too rough on my cheek, and replace it with a very soft very pretty one I had bought in middle of summer. I didn’t care that it was soft blue with some pretty pastel stripes and would pick up stains, I could not stand the other one by my face. But I still had the sheets on, and every day they were depressing me whenever I looked at them.

So finally last week I decided “to hell with stains, I am going to buy pretty sheets, I want to be happy.” But Tuesday Morning is out of the way. But yesterday when Bill got up he said “I am not walking Beanie this morning, instead I am going back to my painting, we will have to go to Billie’s pool instead.” And Billie’s pool is very close to Tuesday Morning, I knew I was going to get my pretty sheets.

And instant we got in truck to go swimming I informed him I wanted to go to Tuesday Morning first. He hit the ceiling. Usually when he hits the ceiling about an errand I want, I am so wishy-washy about it. “If you don’t want to do it, fine” I say. I give him 100 ways to get out of it. But this time it was different, I wanted those pretty sheets, I wanted that treat, and I knew I deserved it, I wasn’t wishy-washy at all. I just said when I got into the truck “I want to go to Tuesday Morning first to get pretty sheets, I can’t stand the ugly ones I have,” and then just waited for storm to subside while he hit the ceiling. I had never told him about my shock and my experience, I thought it could upset him, and why should 2 people be upset, I wanted to contain it to me.

He got over Tuesday Morning pretty fast tho. It was loud burst at first, but he got over it fast and like sudden thunderstorm. I had planned out in my mind what I wanted. I wanted the pretty sheet set. I wanted to buy 2 new towels, one for him and one for me for swimming. In winter you do need a towel after shower, and we only have two I bought at Tuesday Morning last month. Also I don’t like the aroma of the body wash I bought there last time. It is supposed to be flower scent and I just don’t like it. I saw the little bottles with fruit scent there last time and I decided I would buy that this time, a package with six little bottles of different fruit scent. I was very clear on what I wanted to buy there, because his sitting in hot parking lot, I didn’t want to be long. Plus I didn’t want to forget what I wanted, because as you can see getting him to go back there is not so easy.

I was hoping that wonderful woman who helped me find the towels last time, so big so luxurious so wonderful at such a great bargain, and those wonderful soft pillowcases, so pretty, so sweet on my cheek and at such amazing bargain, would be there to help me choose the sheets. But I didn’t see her and went over to the sheet section myself. I had decided this time I would choose a pretty pattern. But as I was looking at them she arrived, I recognized her.

I told her how happy she had made me last time, that everything she chose for me had made me so happy, and I explained about wanting new sheets now, and why. I told her the whole story. And she instantly put her hands on two sheet sets which she thought were the best value. One was an attractive blue with brocade looking design on it, so it wasn’t just one blue, I liked it. And the other seemed to be tan. I so wanted to get away from brown after my bad experience, and brown is not my color anyway, blue is. I am a blue girl, not a brown girl. But she said “this one is the same price as the blue one and it is 500 thread count, the other is 450.” And it’s true the original price was much higher than the blue set, altho the prices at Tuesday Morning were the same. It was clear this was the one she recommended for me. “Because it’s a better value?” I said. “Yes” she said “500 thread count.” Whatever that means. So I bought the one she suggested, I trust her.

When we got to pool parking lot Bill went right off to swim, but I wanted to organize my stuff. I put the two towels I bought behind seat because they are for emergency for swimming if our towels are wet from rain in winter. I put the box of body wash with my swim stuff because that is for shower after swimming. And I put the sheet set placed to take into house when I got home. And then when I was all ready to go swimming myself, I saw Adam arrive for his swim on his bicycle in bare feet.

“How are you?” he said. “Great” I said, which meant a lot to me to say. I had been so upset the day before ‘bout the booboo to my feelings, but when I had woke up next morning, feeling OK again, I had read Gloria’s “Letter from God.” Where God had stressed how important it is to be happy because happiness is contagious (like measles) and you want to spread happiness wherever you go. I really wanted to carry out God’s request, to bring happiness to others by being happy myself. So I felt good about saying “great” when Adam said “how are you?”

Adam said his kitty cat went to Heaven yesterday. He said it came out of nowhere, one minute she was fine, then she was so sick, then she went to Heaven. I don’t know how many cats Adam has, he said “one of my kitty cats.” Of course I knew all about that booboo, my summer had started off with booboo about Lulu. My heart went right out to Adam. He said “the only thing which heals the hurt is time.” I said “that’s true, we went thru it with our dog Lulu in July, the hurt lasted a month, by the second month I was OK, this is the shortest I have ever been able to get it down to.”

For me it is absolute conviction that everyone and all animals live forever, so Lulu is perfectly happy, perfectly alive, perfectly enjoying herself in Heaven now. I forget that not everyone sees it that way. What was interesting was Adam feeling and reasoning his way to it, as we stood on sidewalk in front of pool. He was still astraddle his bicycle, with his bare feet.

He said “I think it is the same for animals as it is for people. We have physical body and astral body and soul body and all the way up, and at highest level is our spirit body always trying to help us and guide us.” Adam was explaining why he thinks we live forever and so do our animals. But he got so interested in his explanation to me, explaining how it all works, that he said once when he was on wrestling team in high school, the practice was so grueling and so exhausting, that when he got home and lied down, he actually started to have an out of body experience. “Instantly I hit the panic button” he said. “It scared me but I did see how you could be out of your body, I experienced it, but I hit the panic button right away to stop it.” I said “we all believe our own experience and you experienced we are more than our body.”

Adam was explaining to me about consciousness. I had already read all this way back when I was first learning stuff, so I knew it all already, but I found it very interesting that Adam was such a good explainer of it. I never could explain it that well. I don’t think I could explain it at all. When he started explaining about consciousness, and how consciousness exists on so many levels, all the way up, I actually saw it before my eyes. I could see how they are all going on at same time. And it all depends where we put our focus. Like a building with 100 floors, but spending our time on second floor. Hahaha but we could take elevator to 100th floor. Our consciousness does go all the way up.

Then when Adam finished telling me the story of what happened after wrestling practice when he was in high school and how he hit the panic button, he interrupted his conversation to say “I better take my swim or my mom will worry about me.”

Like many in Tucson, like my friend Jim who took complete care of his bedridden 99 year old mother till she went to Heaven this past winter, Adam too cares for his very aged bedridden mother at home. But Adam has a problem Jim never had. Which is if Adam does not arrive back home instant the time he says he will be home, his mom panics and calls the police.

Obviously she has a problem. Adam is a 45 year old man, 45 year old men do not get kidnapped on way home from swim pool which is only 4 blocks from their house. It has imposed a lot of limitations on Adam’s going out. For instance he is passionate about UFOs, and Bill said there is monthly MUFON meeting at Wilmot library on 2nd Saturday of every month about UFOs. But Adam cannot be gone that long, his mom would call the cops.

But you have to hand it to Adam. He can’t go anywhere because his mom calls the cops. His beloved kittycat went to Heaven yesterday. And yet his wondrous curiosity, interest, passion for life, love of understanding and explaining, and happy buoyant spirit was all over his face yesterday afternoon. Adam’s happiness was contagious to me.... He is the one who healed up my booboo totally and completely, as we stood on hot sidewalk in front of pool yesterday. And I did have lovely swim....

My friend George Canaris (East Village NYC)

Ronald De Nota painting
"Riomar Cafe on Little West 12th Street, NYC, 1998"
Monday, August 25, 2008, 6:45 am
“George”

Last evening it hit me I had never written about George. I didn’t see how that was possible, but it is. Of course I want to write about George. He was a friend of mine and he was a friend of my dogs.

I am sure anyone who lived in the East Village in the ‘60s or the ‘70s or the ‘80s or the ‘90s would know George. I don’t know when he moved there, and I don’t know how long he stayed. In my mind there is no beginning and no end to George. I assume he must have been there forever. Altho of course he was born in Germany (I think) and had thick accent, so I don’t know when he came over. If you say to George “how old are you? what country did you come from? where did you go to high school?” If you ask him anything personal, he will not answer.

I know George is Jewish because when we’d be walking down the street with my dog, George helping me do errands, the older men on First Avenue who worked in the stores, would try to pull George into that tiny little synagogue on Houston Street on Friday evenings so they could have a minyon. Apparently you can’t have your service at all unless there is a minyon. I had no idea what a minyon is, I am guessing 6 men with prayer shawls on standing around the rabbi and the cantor, if that synagogue had a cantor at all. Their eyes would light up when they saw George coming down the street with me and my dog, because it was so close to the time, and they needed that extra person to make a minyon. I have no idea if George acceded to their request or not. I mean when he finished helping me, did he go over to the synagogue? I do not know.

George’s claim to fame is that he had been at City Hall thru umpteen administrations. They all knew him at City Hall. When I told that to my fellow dog walkers in Tompkins Square Park, they scoffed! “He is a meshuginar,” they said to me. “He thinks he goes to City Hall every day and they all know him there,” they said to me. They said “it is like the meshuginar who was in the middle of First Avenue waving his arms last week, he thought he was a traffic cop directing traffic, and George thinks he goes to City Hall every day and he is known there.” This is what Mike said.

Mike is a horse-playing Jewish man, exactly the same age as my father. Mike was born in 1913, like my dad and like Bill’s dad, and is a horseplayer like Bill’s dad, goes to the track every day. In a competition of the most stubborn man on earth, is it Leon my dad, is it Bill’s dad, is it Mike the dog walker in Tompkins Square Park. They are all heavy-weight champions in the area of scoffing; stubborn-minded scoffers. But I guess I would give the award to Mike. There is nothing I could say or do, which would change Mike’s mind that George imagines he goes to City Hall every day, that George is a meshuginar with a vivid imagination.

If Mayor Abe Beame happened to be walking thru Tompkins Square Park (which he would never do!) and came up to George and said “Hi George, how are you doing” and if Mike were sitting next to George, Mike would still not change his mind.

And in fact a year or so before I left New York, George was at City Hall when Mayor Beame showed up for a luncheon. He had been mayor a few administrations before. “Hi George, you still here?” former Mayor Abe Beame said. And George said “yes, your honor.”

I know exactly how George got to be "included" at City Hall because he used the same technique on me and it worked like a charm. Yes it’s true the whole world sees George as a meshuginar, but that is before you get to know him. After you get to know him, I am not saying George is not a meshuginar, but who cares! He just gives you a more expansive view of what human nature is like. Like discovering a new planet in the solar system or new star in the galaxy. Your vision widens to include George. (Before you get to know George, he is not included in your vision, there is the solar system and there is George, and he is excluded.) It is a big difference. And in some ways now I feel myself privileged to be one of those who knows George. Altho of course everyone thru a zillion administrations knows George, plus half my neighborhood. I am not in small club. Half my neighborhood just knows George as meshuginar and excludes him. And half know him as I do, and everyone at City Hall, and the old men who try to pull him into their minyon.

The way George became my friend, and got to be included in City Hall, is by making himself indispensable. I used to always run away from George. But one day I was coming home with all those heavy shopping bags, plus I had my dog, and George offered to carry my shopping bags. It was help I desperately needed. And to my surprise my dog, it was my first dog then, Spes, was madly passionately totally in love with George. George not only carried all my shopping bags home for me, but carried them up the 3 flights of steps and put them by my door. It made my life so much easier, it was such a huge favor.

And after that he figured out my habits, that I went to the park every day with the fellow dog walkers, and then grocery shopped on First Avenue on the way home. And it seems just at the instant I was trying to navigate all those heavy bags, George would appear, carry them home and up all the steps. And of course my dog was overjoyed out of her mind to be with George, she loved George. And then somehow that became our routine. My dog Spes never liked going to the park with the fellow dog-walkers, so instead George and I would walk around the neighborhood with her as I stopped in stores to pick up this or that. Once the 3 of us walked to SoHo together to the discount paper store and I bought 10 heavy packages of top quality typing paper, and George carried it all home for me. When I got one of those huge Selectric typewriters because they cost nothing when computers came in, and it broke a few times, George carried that huge heavy thing downstairs. And we took taxi together to Chelsea to my typewriter store to have it fixed. And then George and I and dog walked home. Same thing when we picked it up. I do not know how I would have managed without George.

And this is exactly what happened at City Hall. I have no idea where in City Hall the big machers spent all day schmoozing. But it was very convenient for them, if someone wanted container of coffee to-go, with bagel and shmear, that George was always there, eager and willing to go. Whatever anyone had a taste for, there was George. They only had to give him the money for it and he would go across the street and get it. There were probably lots of errands they could send George for. To get their cigars, to get their cigarettes. If they bought their cigars in a different neighborhood, George would go get it! Anything! wherever it was! When Isaac Bashevis Singer was invited for tea, it was George who bought the napkins, who bought the cookies, and even poured out the coffee and tea. He told me later “Isaac Bashevis Singer had tea not coffee, just lemon no sugar, and didn’t eat any of the cookies.” That might have been where former Mayor Abe Beame showed up and said “I see you’re still here, George” and George said “nice to see you, your honor.”

Even if something was on another floor, they could send George to get it. With George around no one had to move a muscle, George would get it for you. They couldn’t run away from George like I did the first ten years, they were stuck with him from the beginning, so I bet they discovered very quickly how indispensable George is. It hit me once that Mayors come and go but George is always there. I tried to explain this to Mike. But you can get a good idea what my dad was like and Bill’s dad was like. All Mike did was to say again about the meshuginar on First Avenue, how he stood there waving his arms directing traffic, till the cops finally took him away. Mike refused to believe George ever stepped foot in City Hall.

The very few personal things I know about George are things he let drop, because as I say he wouldn’t answer any question. One very cold day in winter he mentioned, during the Depression in Germany he would go to the public library because it was the only warm place. But when I said “did you come from Germany, George?” He gave that odd look and either said “no” or refused to answer. Once he said his uncle is still mad at him, because he accuses George of stealing the bottle of whiskey at his daughter’s bas mitzvah, which of course George did. “I didn’t know you have family here?” I said. And George refused to answer. That is the only time George mentioned any family at all.

I have the impression George might have gone to high school here and had a terrible time, no one talked to him. But I may not be right about this, it may be some other early experience in America where things were awful for George.

When my dog Spes was ill, George was my savior. He arrived every day, and when she could no longer make the steps, he carried her down, he carried her up, and she would walk with us to the card tables by the precinct across the street, where she would lie under the table while George and I played cards. I did this because she wanted to be outside so much. So George and I would spend hours upon hours playing cards. I was absolutely completely devoted to my dog, I would do anything for her, and George was a saint and angel to do this for me. That’s really when George and I became close. He was the worst card player in the world. We played Gin Rummy, and at first I easily beat him every game, even tho I had not played cards since I was 9 years old. But when I saw how much George wanted to win, I managed to lose every game after that. George kept score with pencil and paper. Sometimes George, who was up every night and never slept, would fold his arms on the table, rest his head on it, and say “wake me up with a kiss.” I wish I could replicate George’s heavy accent “vake me up mit a kiss.” It was hard to understand George cause of his heavy accent.

After two months Spes did go to Heaven, early one Saturday morning. Bill and I spent the whole day at home together talking being close. At 4 pm the intercom bell rang, and I thought to myself “that is George! he is so faithful! he is here to help me walk Spes.” I wasn’t ready to say anything, I just buzzed George in and called down the stairs “thank you very much George, but I am already back home.” But that evening when I went out to buy something at the corner store, George passed me on First Avenue. I said “George, Spes went to Heaven this morning, Bill and I are upstairs sitting shiva for her right now.” And a smile crossed George’s lips when I said I was sitting shiva for Spes. And he said “I thought if she made it thru the weekend she would be OK.” How sweet of George to have had faith in my dog, that she could make it! I had too, till she went to Heaven. But I tell you, it took all the faith in the Universe for me to have believed that. No one will ever know the effort I put into having faith and hope my dog would make it.

Then Bill took me on camping trip in Adirondacks for 4 or 5 days so we could recuperate from Spes and the day we got back we got Clio. Adina had brought Clio over the day before we left, to ask if we wanted her. She couldn’t stand Clio and was giving Clio up. And she came up with Clio, and Bill said “fine we will take her!” But we were going on camping trip. We asked Adina to keep Clio for those few days. Adina clearly never wanted Clio back in her apartment but of course she said yes, she was so relieved she had found a home for Clio. And Bill had me call from Grand Central Station when we got off the train, to tell Adina we will take taxi home now and to bring Clio over right now.

Clio was 4 months old and a torture chamber, and she could not be walked off the leash the way I did with Spes. She had to be on the leash every second, because when she wasn’t she took off faster than lightning and danced in First Avenue in heavy traffic. That girl gave me so many traumas! But George and I took up where we left off. I had to hold Clio on the leash, so it would have been even harder to carry home all those shopping bags of groceries. But I didn’t need to, I had George. I was very close to George now and loved him beyond measure for what he had done for Spes, my beloved beloved beloved Spes. And it turned out what George wanted, I don’t know how we arrived at this, what George wanted was-- after I threw the ball for Clio at the school playground across from the precinct, the girl was a great athlete-- We would sit on the bench or at the card table, I would have Clio on the leash. George would bring pencil and paper, and he would dictate a letter.

It began off as one letter, he had something he really wanted to say to someone at City Hall about how things should be. I copied down his dictation in good English with punctuation, and then had George type it up, and I proofread it. It didn’t matter what I wrote down in perfect spelling and good English. By the time George typed it up, the spelling was a catastrophe and there was no punctuation. The first time I had him redo it, but after that I didn’t bother. I would read him back his letter after I first took it down, and then read it back to him after he brought me the typewritten copy. George was very satisfied, he liked hearing his letter. George never said “I” in the letter, he didn’t say “I think.” He always said “we.” “We think” “ We suggest” “What we think you should do..”

After the first few letters George discovered he loved this so much, that I would sit on the bench with him and take down 10 letters. Since George did not have very much to say, and would only try to think of something to say and to who he could possibly write to, the letters became very brief. “Perfect!” I would say after I took it down. “Perfect!” I would say, after he showed me the typewritten letters from the ones I had taken down day before. I thought “what does it matter all the typos and spelling mistakes,” some of the letters were so silly, George’s suggestion for the type of teabags they use at City Hall. All the letters were to City Hall.

I said to George “I am your secretary,” and he loved that. After that wherever we went, which was everywhere in our neighborhood, and whoever we met, and George knew everyone in the neighborhood, he introduced me as his secretary. “This is my secretary” he would say. And they would look at me (they didn’t believe George) “yes” I said, “I am his secretary.” George loved having a secretary. And somehow it is my destiny lol, to always be a secretary. In one way or another, my whole life I have been a secretary. I am one to this day

Clio was 4 months old when we adopted her, and 4 years old when we moved to Tucson, so this life must have continued till the day we left. He would help me with my shopping while I walked Clio, then we would sit on the bench, and I would be his secretary, and then he would keep me company while I threw the ball for Clio at the handball courts.

Clio loved George too, all dogs loved George.

I didn’t tell George I was leaving, I knew it would break his heart. But he found out after we left, and he handled it well. I wrote to all my neighbors and friends in the neighborhood “if you see George give him my address in Tucson, and tell him to write.” And sure enough I got a letter. He must have come to my building to find me and Catherine came down and gave him my address. And I got a letter from him saying “now he doesn’t have his secretary,” but it was still a nice letter -- if you could figure out what he was saying, every word was misspelt and it was one long sentence. (“dear secriterti” it began off.) He wouldn’t tell me his address, he kept everything about his life secret to the end. I never even know which block he lived on. He told me to write to him at the Democratic headquarters on 9th Street and gave me their address, which is a storefront on 9th Street.

And so George and I corresponded for about a year. And then I guess I forgot about George and he forgot about me. But he has a place in my heart which will always be there. And I bet George too has never forgotten, that one day he had a great secretary.

Post script, I remember now when George and I sat on the bench to be his secretary, first I had George get me a container of coffee to go, sweet and light, and a danish to go with it. And I bet I made him pay. I know George has no money, but he walked everywhere, he never took public transportation to City Hall or to anywhere. He walked. For dinner he had can of sardines. What did he spend money on, except a bottle of whiskey. He could afford to spring $1 for his secretary to have coffee and danish while he dictated his letters to her. LOL I bet George liked it. It made him feel like a real employer. “You are a great employer” I said happily to George when he handed me my coffee and danish.

The New York Street Painters
Ronnie DeNota with fellow painters
Gotham Drawing

Little New York on River Road

Tucson painting by Felix Pasilis
Sunday, 8/10/08, 6:43 am
In Tucson you can join a club or swim at Public Pool

It’s a beautiful morning. The birds are chirping and whistling. A sparrow is doing her “la toilette,” primping her feathers, on branch right out my window, making herself beautiful. Wow what a big job she is doing. She is cleaning each one of her feathers, under her wing, on her breast, her back, everywhere.

The sky is gentle blue. And the sunlight shining thru the green leaves of mesquite tree is starting to look August, the green has an August hue to it. It is a world of gentle blue sky, August-hued green leaves, and sparrows in my tree, hip hopping from branch to branch, except for Mrs Sparrow, her morning bath and preening is taking forever.

O now another sparrow on another branch is doing his morning preen and clean. Mrs Sparrow has finished hers it seems, she is looking around. O I spoke too soon, she was just taking a rest, she is back cleaning under her wing again.

Tomorrow schools in Tucson open again and the school year begins. The summer lifeguards who are all 16 years old, and spent all summer barefoot in bathing suits at the city swim pools, will be in shoes and socks and regular clothes, and taking history and English and chemistry and trigonometry. Instead of a day at the pool, it will be day in school. I asked one what he thought about school opening again and he said “it will be fun to see my friends who I haven’t seen all summer.” I am guessing this means the friends who were away during the summer. The desert is like NYC in that way, those who can get away from the heat in summer, do. Altho I am guessing his friends just looked for summer jobs outside of Tucson, they wanted to be away.

When my cousins were growing up in Tucson my aunt Ruth rented beach house in San Diego for the summer, and they spent their summers on the beach. San Diego is no longer affordable so now the teachers in Tucson take their families to the seaside in Mexico for the summer. They all have condos down there. I was friends with some of these teachers when I was at Racquet Club and they all said “when I retire I want to move there.” They love Mexico, they love their condo on the beach there. In the public pools I don’t run into this world. There are not so many lap swimmers and the ones I know are rooted in Tucson. But at Racquet Club it seemed almost everyone was going back and forth to Mexico all the time. The ones who didn’t own a condo there would go and rent for a week-end or a week.

It’s interesting what a different world Racquet Club was in summer compared to the public pools in summer. Public pools are so orderly. There are all the 16 year old lifeguards hired for the summer, gazillions of them because so many children are in the pools in the afternoons, the day camps come and bring all their kids. So it is the year round lifeguards, Samantha and the others who are always there; the summer lifeguards; and the morning lap swimmers, the same swimmers you see year round. In the afternoons there is the same father, he is a teacher, who brings his little daughter every day every summer. But he is not going back and forth to Mexico, he takes his daughter to pool every day, and when they are not at the pool he takes her to the movies. I begin to see why the public pools have the same vibe I do. For better or for worse, my life is like that too.

Not everyone at Racquet Club leads life of high adventure. After all Bill and I were there for 3 years, our friend Jim has been there forever, Layla is there, Maria is there too. But if you look closely, Maria does go to New York City a few times a year to be with her son and grandchildren, and does visit Poland where she grew up once a year. Layla too goes to NYC few times a year to see her son, and down to her farm in Mexico once a year for few weeks. Jim doesn’t go anywhere, but his heart is not in Tucson at all, he dreams night and day of having a yacht and living in Tahiti. And Sue always spends her summer back in Michigan.

The world I grew up in is the Racquet Club world. In fact my parents were tennis players, we had a summer cottage in the Adirondacks in the summer; my parents were always active, they did sport, and went to the theater, to concerts. Cultural life was a big part of their life. I was like the children of the parents at Racquet Club. For me being at Racquet Club was being back in the world I grew up in. And that is the life my aunt Ruth gave her kids when they were growing up in Tucson. It is incredible how cosmopolitan Racquet Club is. I was friends with Arlene there, both she and her husband are university professors. And they have been to every country in the world. And really when you think of it, so has Layla.

Well a little birdie is sitting on a high up branch just quietly looking around. O he saw something! O he straightened up, poised alert! O he took off! Hahaha you always think of a bird watcher as someone with binoculars around their neck, tramping thru the woods, but I guess in my own way I am bird watcher too, I like to watch the birds.

Yes Racquet Club is the world I grew up in. I guess it is no surprise that practically the first day there, I was sitting in jacuzzi next to older guy, and out of the blue in middle of conversation, he said about dating Ruth Wilensky when he was 16 years old. I fell over! Wilensky is my maiden name. I hadn’t realized that would have been my aunt’s name until she married George. Only in Racquet Club would you hear your own maiden name spoken to you, without any awareness that was the name you grew up with. “I dated Ruth Wilensky when I was 16, but she preferred George, he became her boyfriend” Seymour told me in the jacuzzi my first week at Racquet Club.

Seymour had grown up in the Bronx, by the Bronx Zoo, but obviously had come to Tucson fairly young if he had been dating my aunt. He became a doctor, was general practitioner his whole life. Sometimes his wife and grown up kids arrived, and they looked every inch New York City. They looked like a family my parents would have been friends with. And of course they have summer house in Rocky Mountains to get out of the heat. There are doctors at my public pool too, but they are not elegant cosmopolitan sophisticated like Seymour (Seymour is an intellectual.) The doctors at public pool work at the hospital close by, and are the klutzes to end all klutzes. You never want to swim in a lane next to them or anywhere near them. They are absolutely oblivious of the world around them. They are completely out of it. There are even two professors at the public pool but they are not one bit like Arlene and her husband Mike the physics professor, the two world travelers. Alfredo is in food science department, he doesn’t leave Tucson, he loves to grow his beautiful plants and swim at public pool every day. And Lyn the anthropology professor, also swims at public pool every day, never leaves Tucson, except I guess for anthropology conventions, and spends his evenings going dancing, he knows all the unusual exotic folk dances.

Of course I love everyone I met at Racquet Club, they are the nicest people in the world. And if you notice our good friends now are people we met at Racquet Club, Layla and Jim and Maria, and even Sue altho I never see her. And Kimberly altho I never see her either. And Gail and Ray altho they switched to public pools as we did. I guess you have to share interests for a friend to cross over from pool friend to friend in regular life. And all my friends in NYC are people you would meet at the Racquet Club.

But it is the public pools which suit me to a T. So few people in that big huge pool, high up by the mountains. Everything so simple, just a big deep swim pool, a bathhouse with no roof, showering under the blue sky and bird call, watching the birds take off and land while you swim. And talking to Patsy in the next lane about the poker game she was in last night. Her husband is top card player, and Patsy is learning.

This is the other world I grew up in, it wasn’t my parents’ world, but the world of the parents of the children I played with in my building. Where their mothers played Mahjong every evening, and we sat at the kitchen table and played poker when we got home from school, and tried to teach ourselves Mahjong. And Carol’s mother would get out her ash tray and cigarettes and join us for a hand, and talk about the 12 egg sponge cake she just made for Pesach.

I am not saying everyone at public pools is like Patsy and Mike. Kathleen teaches the oboe to children who are entering competitions and is a great potter. Eleanor did great pottery too. But swimming in quiet empty pool next to Patsy, hearing how she had a Straight, how could she not bet on it, is just my speed. And Mike is next to her saying proudly how well she did. And because it is a money game (Mike is always in big money games) Mike says he is her sugar daddy and when she was down $400 it was his money and he was very nervous, but she came back very well.... this is what I like. For me this is the kind of pool conversation which harmonizes with beautiful mountains to look at, blue sky above, birds always on their way somewhere, and 16 year old lifeguards up in the stands.

It is the simple life of Annie at 8 years old....

“The cockamamie grocery shopper (me!)”

5:44 am, Saturday, August 9, 2008

After the pool yesterday we stopped at Sunflower Market on the way home. There were only two items we needed. We were out of tamari sauce, and we were out of half-and-half for coffee. But last time we stopped at Sunflower because I was out of 2 items, I walked out of the store with 4 huge shopping bags. I don’t know how it happens, because I do fully intend just to buy the two items I need. I hadn’t been to Sunflower in a while because Fry’s supermarket is right by Billie’s pool, so the past few Fridays (when we have been at Billie’s pool) we have been going to Fry’s. And one week I stopped at Discount Foods on the way home, the day after we had been at Fry’s. I was just out of half-and-half, I had forgotten to buy that-- and I don’t know what happened. I got back to the truck with 10 bags of food. So the result is we haven’t been to Sunflower in 3 weeks.

I was at the meat counter, they had spectacular sale on London Broil, when Andrew, one of the baggers there, found me. “Where have you been!” he asked. “I don’t know” I said. And then I said “I went to Discount Food,” and burst out laughing. It tickled my funny bone because Sunflower Market-- it’s not quite a gourmet supermarket, but everything is high quality. The produce is organic (half of it anyway). The meat is organic. The deli counter is all Boar’s Head brand, which is the same brand as the Italian sausage store on next block when I lived on Lower East Side. It is tremendously high quality brand for cold cuts. And they make home made Italian sausages at Sunflower too. When Sunflower opened I found things I had not found available in Tucson until Sunflower Market opened, I was really really happy.

Discount Foods is the reverse. It is a hillbilly supermarket, which is why Bill won’t step one foot in it, he hates it. But I like a hillbilly supermarket, I love Discount Foods. You never know what you will find there, because they buy from food producers who have over-supply and just want to get rid of it. Sell it cheap to Discount Foods, who sells it cheap to their customers. So there is hardly any fresh produce, it is mostly either canned or frozen.

And whole side of store isn’t food at all, it is stuff. I bought an electric fan the last time I was there, and a sheet set of espresso colored sheets and pillow cases, and 15 cans of Campbell soups, and two containers of salt, and two quarts of half-and-half.

That is why we went to Discount Food. I had forgotten to buy salt and half-and-half at Fry’s. I went in to buy just those two items and nearly forgot to buy them. I was so distracted by the sheet sets and electric fans. And Campbell’s soup for 40 cent a can. And in canned vegetables, they had all those things Bill likes, collard greens and things I don’t even know what they are, I guess Southern vegetables, Bill likes them. So I came out to the truck with electric fan, espresso colored sheet set, 20 cans of Campbell soup, 10 cans of collard greens or that other kind he likes. 2 containers of salt and 3 quarts of half-and-half. The third one was a mistake, I should have stuck with two, but it was half the price of the supermarket. So I made booboo.

After that, and we had just done huge shopping at Fry’s the day before, I knew I had to cool it with grocery shopping. I had enough cans of soup for a whole winter, for two whole winters. And ditto cans of collard greens. O that’s right-- they had canned cherries and canned pear halves on extra sale when I walked in, and for some reason my mouth watered for that. I did exercise some self control, I only bought two cans of each. I never before bought canned fruit in syrup because my mom served fruit cocktail for dessert every night as dessert for dinner, when what I really wanted for dessert was chocolate cake. The instant I grew up I bought chocolate cake for dessert and never once bought fruit cocktail, or any other canned fruit in syrup. I will never buy canned peaches either, which was the other thing she served. But very occasionally she served canned plums in syrup, and that sounds good to me now, I would get that.

I love everyone who works at Sunflower and they love me, and I used to be there twice a week like clockwork since they opened few years ago. So naturally when I didn’t show up there this whole past month, they missed me and I missed them. Andrew must have come back and reported to them that I wasn’t there because I was shopping at Discount Foods instead.

That is the only reason I can figure out why, when they were ringing up my groceries (of course I bought more than I intended to, but I did not totally disgrace myself like I have always done in the past) the check-out girl made a big point of telling me how much money I saved. “It was two London Broils for price of one,” she said, “so you saved ten dollars there. And you saved ten dollars on all your other groceries, so altogether you saved 20 dollars,” she said so proudly and happily and encouragingly to me.

O I remember the other thing I bought at Discount Foods. At Sunflower, a pound of freshly ground coffee is 6 dollars. And Discount Foods had a six pound bag of coffee beans, which you could ground there, for 8 dollars. Of course no one knew how to use the grinder and neither did I. It took a team effort to accomplish it.

I could happily shop at Discount Foods on a more regular basis. But Andrew doesn’t have to worry, Bill hates going there, so we only wind up there 4 times a year. And now that pool summer schedule is over, and we won’t be near Fry’s anymore on Fridays, Sunflower will go back to being my regular supermarket.

It is so close and so convenient and the food is so high quality, and I love them and they love me. And Bill doesn’t mind driving me there, because next door is Factory 2 U, and he always hopes there will be T shirt for one of the sports teams he likes....

“We are thinking about adopting Harley”

Tucson painting by Felix Pasilis

August 8, 2008, Friday, 5:50 am

“We are thinking about adopting Harley”

Well there is a very interesting sky to the west. When I went out to open windows on truck and saw it, it took my breath away. I loved the beauty. It is still so close to sunrise and the sky was dark, but not night dark, it was from the thick clouds. But the thick clouds were all colors of such deep blues, dark blues, and then I guess the tall southern pines set up against it. I feel like I have seen a sky like that in a painting, maybe in something called “Toledo” in Spain in the 16th century. There was a painter who favored painting skies like that, I saw them in the museum in New York.

It was very encouraging to see all that beauty and have it take my breath away, since it was a morning when I woke up, opened my eyes, realized it was a new day, and thought “NO! I don’t want it!” I was content to be snoozing happily, I have no idea why the idea of a new day was something I didn’t want. Right now, looking out my window, it is still a grey and cloudy early morning, cool and green, and drinking my coffee, I don’t know why I didn’t want the new day. What can possibly be wrong with sitting by my open window, looking out at all that green, and feeling the cool breezes come in and touch me.

It is a very pleasant cool green grey cloudy morning. O the sun must have risen, since the southern pines to the west are now radiant in golden light. And some of the dense clouds to west have parted to show some blue sky, and some of the clouds have turned fluffy white. Altho right above is still dense cloud cover. Fine! Desert summer is so hot, it’s nice having this moist umbrella cloud cover, with pearly light, and bird calls.

LOL one of Picasso’s wives wrote the story of their marriage. I read this book long time ago. He was already famous when she married him and she said “Pablo did not like to get out of bed and face the day.” So she would come in with his steamy coffee, his buttered croissant, and sit on the bed and tell him what a great painter he is, what great paintings he has painted and will paint, and how wonderful he is in every way. And then after that pep talk and delicious buttered croissant and cup of hot chocolate, he was willing to get out of bed and face his day.

I scoffed at him when I read this back at 26 years old, but now I see perfectly why one needs a little encouragement to face the day. It would sweeten the transition if someone brought me a tray with delicious pastry, delicious coffee already made with cream and sugar. I wouldn’t want to be told how great I was, but maybe a few sweet soft words, about the treats the day may hold for me. “A beautiful sky to see when you go out into front yard to open up the truck. A misty green morning to look out on, when you sit at your desk. There is cool morning air this morning, you will like feeling it on your shoulders. The birds are all in your tree waiting for you.”

If I thought I was going to get up to a morning as sweet and tender as the sleepy-land I had just been in, I wouldn’t have balked that way and said “a new day! I don’t want it!” Because who could not want this, watching the little birdies hop around the tree right out my window. It is sweeter than sleepy-land, it is more innocent and simpler.

Well day before yesterday the young lifeguard was chatting with me while I was in the water and he was up in the lifeguard stand. I don’t remember how the conversation began off, but I perked up my ears when he got to the point where he told me, his mom said to his dad “I want another kid,” and his dad said “can’t we just get another dog instead.” They have two dogs now, one of those tiny little ones that only weigh 6 pounds, and a big shepherd x (which sounds like my first dog, Spes) who is 87 pounds. But I found out later in the car going home with Bill that his family lives on ranch, they have 7 acres near Reddington Road. So when he told me “there is huge yard, there is room for 3rd dog,” he really does have it.

Apparently the whole family went to Humane Society two weeks ago to start looking for the next dog. He said his mom only wants girl dogs, she doesn’t want boy dogs. The summer lifeguards are all 16 years old and live at home. So every conversation I have with them about their life, you always hear their parents’ decisions. Last week Anthony told us “his dad said he can keep Montana, his dog, Montana will just be an indoor dog, and hang out with Anthony in his room.” Anthony was overjoyed with his dad’s decision since the week before Anthony had told us, “my dad says I have till Sunday to find new home for Montana or he goes to the pound.”

I don’t know the name of the young lifeguard I was chatting with two days ago, the one whose mom wants another kid but is willing to get another dog instead, and won’t have a boy dog, just likes girl dogs. But he told me “there are a lot of litters of puppies at the pound now.” So then my ears really perked up, as we are in the period of discussion of which dog would be good second dog for Beanie. And he said “there was a two-year-old basset hound there too.” “Billy!” I shrieked across the pool. “Come hear this!! There’s a basset hound at the pound right now!”

So Bill swam over, and I swam away to finish my swim and let the lifeguard tell Bill all about the puppies at the pound and the basset hound. I guess that’s when Bill found out he lives on 7 acre ranch by Reddington Road.

So we talked about the basset hound at the pound on the way home.

And yesterday morning when Bill woke up, that was the first topic he brought up, so I knew he was thinking seriously about it. “Call the pound” he said, “and find out if the basset is still there. We will be at Billie’s pool tomorrow, which is a hop skip and jump from Kelvin Street where the pound is, we can take a look at her.”

When I tried to call Humane Society, their answering machine said they don’t open till 9 am. But when I googled to find their phone number, and clicked on their site, there were pictures and descriptions of every dog they have up for adoption now.

None said “basset hound” but one said “hound.” It just said “it is a young hound named Harley.” And there was the photo. So I called Bill in.

Of course there was a spaniel which was so cute, the spaniel looked just like my Beanie. I notice whenever I go to pound for second dog, I always want one just like the one I have at home. I am always totally in love with the dog I have now at home, and want one just like her or him. So naturally this time I wanted one just like Beanie.

But Bill rightfully so, is very concerned about Beanie’s feelings. Partly because Beanie has mental problems, but also just for his feelings. “Beanie is a star” Bill said, “he won’t want another dog to outshine him.” It is why Bill was so attracted to Harley when he saw the photo. “He is a schlub” Bill said, “a big fat happy schlub, no way will he outshine Beanie, he is perfect for Beanie.”

I don’t know why I have to go get the biggest schlub in the pound, when there were some really cute ones up on that site. But of course Bill is right. The only dog Beanie might be willing to put with is a total schlub. Beanie is the sparkling star. His brother has to be the biggest schlub in the world, which clearly Harley is.

After 9 am I called the pound and talked to Jackie. She said Harley is the only basset they have, and he is 3 years old. We couldn’t tell from the photo that Harley was basset, it just said “hound,” and he didn’t look bassety at all in his photo.

But Jackie said he is basset hound mix, so I reported back to Bill. But then Jan called, and we haven’t chatted for a month, I wanted to talk to her on the phone. And when I got off it was time to leave for the pool. The clouds had massed, there could be lightning and storm at any time.

Bill said “I’ll put my thinking cap on, and think about Harley in the pool.”

So I swam and he chatted with Ray at end of lane, where they talked about everything under the sun.

He didn’t go to the movies in the afternoon, he sat in his chair in living room and read “Shogun.” Outside was full of thunder and little Beanie was so scared.

We were both so trepidatious about how Beanie would react to Harley. Beanie does have that problem, he starts up with every dog. When Bill had confided Beanie’s problem to the young lifeguard (Bill told him he took Beanie to the park last month and Beanie started 3 fights with the 3 dogs he saw) and lifeguard told Bill “you have to interrupt the eye contact, first they make eye contact then they fight, but if you do something which breaks the eye contact, then Beanie won’t pounce.”

Where Beanie get the chutzpah to jump at huge big ferocious dogs, I don’t know. He is a fice! It makes Bill’s life hell. Because Beanie pounces on little tiny dogs, which makes the owner want to murder Bill. And Beanie jumps at big huge ferocious dogs which scares Bill that Beanie will get himself hurt. “What we need is the dog whisperer” Bill said the other day, “to solve Beanie’s aggression problem.”

But the young lifeguard told Bill "if you break the eye contact, it won’t happen! move their head to side, anything where eye contact is broken! spritz them with water! anything!" So Bill is planning to have a little hose nearby when poor Harley arrives in the ogre’s den. Bill thinks if he sprays some water on Beanie while Beanie makes eye contact with Harley before he charges him, that that will save Harley.

The idea that we will save Harley from the pound and give him a beautiful home. And that Beanie will have the total joy of having a brother, someone to comfort him when thunder scares him, someone to keep him company when we go out and he is alone, and someone to play in the yard with and rush to the fence and bark with. The whole idea behind all of this is total joy for Beanie and total joy for Harley.

But the obstacle to this vision of joy, is what will happen when we bring Harley home. I’m not so worried about Harley having to put up with Beanie, the dictator and the tyrant. Because I saw how beautifully Lulu finessed it. She simply ignored nutcase Beanie. And got everything she wanted. And what she liked very much was lots and lots of delicious treats of every possible kind. Which of course she got. She could care less if Beanie gobbled up his food and then pushed her out of the way to gobble up her food. Because she knew, in that sublime way basset hounds have of knowing, that the whole universe is devoted to their happiness. She merely has to stand and wait, and plate of delicious food will be set before her, far more delicious and far more of it, than what Beanie just gobbled up. And it was true, that is always what happened. And when I served her her dainties (my Lulu had a sweet tooth, she liked cookies from the bakery, she liked candy) Beanie would rush in and push her out of the way. But when he saw what it was, he would leave, he doesn’t like sweets, so she would happily eat all her treats. She wound up with more of everything she loves when Beanie was here, not less, which is just what will happen with Harley.

I just hope that Harley doesn’t mind being totally bossed around by Beanie. Lulu didn’t mind it.

O well I guess the trick is to look at the big picture. Harley needs a home, and we want to give Harley a wonderful home. Beanie does need a brother. Cool weather will come eventually, we have a huge big great yard, the two lads can have a ball in it. It will be so nice for Beanie to have a playmate. He loves to play, and is banned from the dog runs for misbehavior.

O the little birdie is swinging on the slender branch. I didn’t know birds love to swing.

It’s amazing how much the sparrows enjoy the tree out my window. They love hopping from branch to branch, I guess it is like a monkey-bars for them. My whole yard is huge playground for the birds.

Love, Anne

I take Alice out for lunch on her birthday

Dove and Hawk by Layla Edwards
Tuesday, July 22, 2008, 5:50 am

Well Helen is in New York, her big brother Eddie is in New York. Helen’s mom had 8 brothers and sisters, and the cousins’ reunion is taking place in New York now. Helen must have a zillion cousins. And they are flying in from all over the country for the cousins’ reunion, their children and grandchildren too.

It was Helen’s idea and she organized it, and she finessed it too. It required a lot of finessing because not everyone wanted to go. When a California cousin said “I’m not going!” it had ripple effect. Helen’s sister and her cousin Margot said “if she’s not coming, then neither am I!” It rippled out to half the reunion. So Helen had to beg and to join with two other cousins to offer to pay the airplane ticket. So she’s coming and that brought back the whole ripple effect.

As far as I could make out from Helen’s hurried phone call about this yesterday, as she was on her way to Wal-Mart to buy an electric toothbrush for the trip. It is 7 dollars at Wal-Mart and 90 dollars everywhere else. Helen was still in Maui yesterday, she flies to New York City today. The conversation ended when she reached Wal-Mart, so she must have called me as she was driving there. Everyone is coming except the cousin who lives in Minnesota. Helen is heartbroken about this. “I have not seen her in 40 years” she wailed. Helen wants to see her and meet her children and grandchildren, and said “maybe she can make a video of her family and send it to us so we can play it at the reunion.” There are also the cousins who are too depressed to go, Helen mentioned two of them, the two depressed cousins, but maybe they are showing up, I am not clear on that.

It certainly sounds like a huge event, my mind boggled just hearing about it. I can’t imagine flying all the way across the country and going to a family reunion. To me it all sounds as amazing, as dramatic, as exciting as going to Mars, it seems like a totally earthshaking thing to do.

I considered it an amazing experience in my life when I took Alice out for her birthday few days ago. That is why it seems so gargantuan what Helen is doing. Because just taking Alice to Village Inn on her birthday on Saturday, 3 days ago, was earthshaking event in my life.

Alice had really wanted me to do her astrology chart and the charts of her two sons, ever since she found out I could do that. And even tho I did try to figure out how I could do it, at that time I didn’t know if my printer was working, so it would mean her coming here, and us looking at computer together. Or doing it on phone while we both looked at the horoscopes up on the computer. When I was on a New Age site briefly last summer, someone posted “here is the link to a free astrology chart site.” So it only took 5 minutes for me to get all 3 charts up on my machine, and I did send the links to Alice. But the meaning of a chart is in its interpretation and Alice wanted that, and that is a big deal.

And so I just put it off until Alice generously got Bill in the art show about 6 weeks ago. I was ecstatic about that! Bill was ecstatic about that! It was such an incredibly huge favor! She had simply casually generously spontaneously offered it. When I wrote back my amazed happiness and amazed gratitude to her and said “if ever there is any favor I can do for you Alice, just ask, I will be overjoyed to do it.” And she said she wants the 3 astrology charts and I emailed back “of course!” Now I really wanted to do it, I wanted to make Alice happy in anyway I could.

And Friday, when I realized Alice must be back from Mexico (she had gone for two weeks, she has a farm there from when she had lived there for 20 years, and one of her sons is living on the farm now). I wrote “Welcome back Alice! Did you have a nice time?” And she wrote about the early birthday party her son had thrown for her in Mexico. And I remembered Alice’s birthday would be right about now. I emailed back “When is your birthday? Is it today or tomorrow or the next day?” I planned I would send her a very nice email card on her birthday. And she emailed back “it is tomorrow, want to get together for it?” And I realized the time is now! I emailed back “let’s do your astrology charts on your birthday, I will take you to Village Inn.” And Alice emailed back “great.” She was happy about it.

And so I planned it all out with my Higher Self, she had good suggestions. She suggested Village Inn, because it is a family restaurant, it is very close by, it is air conditioned, it is very comfortable, we can sit in a booth next to each other, and we can spend all afternoon there. She said Alice may want a drink on her birthday (Village Inn has no alcohol), but she said it is better for her to be clear-minded, astrology takes concentration and focus. And she reminded me that Bruce always went to Village Inn for crepes suzettes and maybe Alice would like that.

And Alice emailed back great, great, great, to all. The morning before her birthday, while the plumber was working on trying to get the bathtub to drain (that story did not have a good ending, he said the tree roots are growing into the pipes, that is why it won’t drain, the roots are clogging it, and to get the roots out of it I would have to take out the bathtub, break up the floor, then put the bathtub back, and then put the floor back, and it costs $4000. So I decided I would just shower in Bill’s shower, I am going to let the bathtub go)-- But while the plumber was here finding out what the problem was, and Bill was sitting outside with Beanie, so Beanie would not be in plumber’s way, I crossed my fingers and tried to put in the inkjet myself in printer. Usually Bill does that for me. And I did it! And I figured out how to print all 3 charts for Alice. Actually that was when all systems were on go. That is when I emailed Alice “I printed up the charts!” And said “pick me up at 2:30 on Saturday, we will be back from swimming then, Village Inn is just 2 miles away, we will go there, and I will do it, and I will treat you to lunch.” And I wrote out the directions to my house and my phone number.

And after I calmed down from the plumber drama, I remembered the beautiful red bathing suit I bought last month which is 2 sizes too small. So I emailed Alice “what size suit do you wear?” And Alice emailed back the two sizes she wears, the suit is the bigger size. So I said “I have pretty red suit maybe it will fit.” And the white linen skirt, simple but nice, is also Alice’s size, two sizes too small for me. I don’t know what had possessed me to buy them. But I had desperately needed a treat, it was dark time in my life, and the discount store didn’t have anything in my size, just these pretty items 2 sizes too small. So I had thought “maybe I can stretch them and make them fit.”

But they were still in the bag, and it was Alice’s birthday, and it is size she wears. I was getting very excited about Alice’s birthday party. On the way home from the pool, the day of Alice’s birthday, I did have Bill stop at Ross again to see if they had the red suit in exactly her size. But they had trillion beautiful bathing suits last month and none on Saturday. I was very lucky to have that beautiful red one for Alice at home. And it is a knock-out, one of those dream bathing suits. A beautiful red and a beautiful design.

And when we got home I decided I would give Alice Eat, Pray, Love too. Margot gave me that book as gift and I loved it, and I thought Alice might like it too. I was getting together a little bag of her presents, the red bathing suit, the white linen skirt, the book Eat, Pray, Love.

And of course the astrology charts in a manila envelope. And extra paper and pens for Alice to take notes if she wanted to.

And when Alice arrived I invited her in. I knew Bill would want to see her. She sat at the big table and when she said she was thirsty, she chose iced limeade in tall glass. And when she got out her tobacco to roll a cigarette, I brought in my pack of cigarettes. And said “let me give you a carton of cigarettes for your birthday, I get them on the internet, they are so inexpensive.” So I added a carton of cigarettes to her birthday package. I was sailing in bliss because I thought "these are all great birthday presents." And when Alice arrived, I saw the suit and skirt would fit her perfect, they are Alice’s size.

And I showed her some of Bill’s paintings up on the walls of the house. Bill didn’t want me to bring Alice into my bedroom and computer room because of such a mess. But he had cleaned the rest of the house beautiful few days before, and I thought Alice could handle the such-a-mess in my 2 rooms. And it was interesting the paintings she loved. And when she got back to the table she said “we,” referring to her and Bill as artists. Which is nice. Alice has been in art shows all over the world, and Bill has just been in Dahlia’s show, the one Alice arranged for him to be in with her. And it is first time Alice saw any of his work, other than the 4 paintings in Dahlia’s show.

And then I noticed Beanie would not leave Alice alone. He had his nose by her legs wherever she went, so softly, gently, like kissing her. And when she sat down to smoke her cigarette, drink her iced limeade, and chat with Bill, Beanie went right under her legs. He was completely smitten with Alice.

And my heart soared up with joy. Dogs love visitors, but I am not in the era of visitors. 18 months ago Jim came to watch Superbowl with Bill, so Beanie had a visitor then, he loved Jim. And Saturday was his second visitor, Alice, and he gave his heart to Alice, he would not be away from her. O Margot, that’s right, when we first got Beanie, Margot was in the yard with him, and she petted him, and Beanie wanted those pets to go on forever. It was a big love affair, Beanie loved Margot. That was a long time ago tho.

This was Saturday, I watched him spend every instant trying to be close to Alice. She wasn’t aware of him. She wasn’t aware of what he was doing until I pointed it out, and Alice said how she loves dogs. It’s interesting that Beanie’s love for Alice did not spring from her giving him any attention. He was content to just love and be close to her. It was truly a beautiful and wondrous thing for me to behold.

Alice decided she would order the crepes suzettes when I told her that is what Bruce always had there, altho I don’t know if either of us knew what it was. And my Higher Self had told me “give the waitress 5 dollars when you first arrive, because you will be there long time, so no one else can sit at that table, and we don’t want her to lose money on tips.”

And when we arrived I said to the guy who seats you and hands you the menu, “it is Alice’s birthday and I’m going to do her chart,” and he brought us right to very nice table in booth. And when the waitress arrived, I explained it all to her, and gave her the five dollars. And she was an angel. And we both ordered iced tea and Alice ordered her crepes. And my Higher Self said “let her eat her food first, so she can enjoy it, then do the charts.” And Alice loved it.

And then I took out the charts and moved over to sit next to her. I was incredibly rusty at doing charts. I did one for Jan two years ago, one for Harry 8 years ago, and I would talk about astrology with Nicole about 14 years ago. And I only thought about astrology extremely occasionally over past 10 years. It was something I used to always think about, I was always studying it in my mind. Till I read A Course In Miracles and I began to think about other things all the time instead. About God and Heaven and perception, and how the mind works.

That is why I was so insecure. I wasn’t close to astrology in my mind, I had been away from it. Plus I had already had momentous day before we even got to the chart. Alice had been a guest in our house and we never have visitors, it was thrilling for all of us. We had date in restaurant and ordered something to eat, and I never go out with girlfriends to restaurants anymore. A lot had already happened in my life where nothing ever happens in.

But I did my best, which is what I promised Alice I would do. I was a little frustrated because I am used to interpreting charts I draw up myself, and I had a very hard time reading and understanding the chart the computer made. But luckily Alice recognized the symbols for the Signs, and saw where they began, she was very helpful.

I would say I gave a terrible reading, because at no point was my mind crystal clear, I was not on all 8 cylinders. For me it was like driving a car which is riding rough, the motor acting up, and swerving all over the place. But maybe it was the right reading for Alice. Because when I gave her the information, and was going to try to crystal clearly put it together, to give its meaning, and my mind drew a blank, Alice supplied it. Given the facts, she was able to put it together and see what it meant for herself, and in her own language. Some words mean a lot to me, some words mean a lot to Alice, and so she used her words, and that was good.

When I wanted a cigarette break-- I had purposely put a pack of cigs in my purse and two lighters, so I could walk outside for a cigarette, I couldn’t find my pack of cigs. But luckily I had given Alice a carton of cigs for her birthday. So she gave me her keys, I went to the car, and took out a pack of cigs.

It was long reading because of doing Alice’s two sons too. And she told me all about her sons as we were doing it, what they were like as children, what they are doing now, what they are like now. But luckily, the more my mind started to sputter and malfunction, the clearer Alice got. Lucky for me, it turns out she has real talent for astrology. It was very much a joint effort. And when I got out my chart to show her the contrast, to explain something to her, she looked at the shape of my chart and said “Look! It looks like pyramids, you have 5 pyramids here, you are involved in 5 different things.” Which seemed so interesting to me because it is true and I never thought about it. It was an interesting way to see and understand my life.

Alice is a very talented astrologer, maybe even more talented than me. She has genius. She just didn’t have the knowledge about astrology, what the Planets and Houses and Signs mean. But as soon as I gave her the information, she did a great job putting it together in her chart and her sons’ charts. The girl could be a great astrologer if she wanted to study the science.

For our second cigarette break, we went out together to have cigs. And she said “what about all the awful things which have happened in my life?” and she said about them. Alice’s conversation used to always be about all the awful things which had happened. I said “It’s just not in your chart Alice, there are no difficulties at all in your chart. Of course you do have Leo Rising, and Leo loves to dramatize things. Maybe you just wanted to add a lot of drama to your life, to make it more interesting.”

The interesting thing is, when we first sat down and I got out her chart and looked at it, I had never seen a chart like that. Nearly every planet is in her 10th House which is career or position in the world. And the very few planets which are not in that House are in the Houses right next to it. I said “Alice I hope you will take this the right way” and she made that scared face, “but this is the chart of a big-shot, you are a big-shot.” I didn’t mean to scare Alice, I guess that is my humor, I like to tease. I knew something good was coming, not bad, when I said “I hope you take this the right way.” I didn’t realize she would respond with so much alarm.

And it is true it is the chart of a big-shot, of a very important person. And it actually does explain Alice’s life. She has no ego, no self-importance at all, so it doesn’t appear on the surface in any way. She leads a totally humble life, she is totally humble. But it explains why she has her finger in everything and makes everything happen, and her prodigious talent in the world of making things happen, in the world itself. To give contrast, I didn’t say this to Alice, but that same House, the House of the world, I have Neptune in it, which dissolves it. I have zero activity on the world stage. I am just not out in the world at all. But Alice is, the world is her whole life. She has more planets in that House and bigger planets than Einstein. Her House of career is major.

But of course she is a humanitarian and idealist first, last, and always. I saw that in her chart, which begins off with the planet Uranus. “Your passion is for truth, Alice” I said, “you begin off with passion for truth, and Uranus is totally humanitarian.” It was Alice who supplied that word and attribute. When I showed Alice how her chart starts off with Uranus in the 9th House, I recognized the passion for truth (Uranus is my ruling planet), but Alice recognized the humanitarian.

And then we both went to the ladies room together, which seemed like a very intimate thing to do with your friend. And we did a little more astrology till my mind stopped working totally and Alice looked a little tired too. And I think Alice liked the reading. I thought it was the worst reading I had ever done in my life. But when I was paying the check (it was such a bargain! can you imagine only 8 dollars for all of that!) she told the girl I had explained astrology to her, she seemed pleased.

And I think Alice was very pleased. Some friend of hers had once said something about her astrology and told her 3 terrible things. I don’t think Alice really had an idea what an astrology reading really meant, or one by me anyway.

And of course on this day of happy miracles on Alice’s wonderful birthday day, it turned out the bathing suit fits like a glove, she loves it, and her old bathing suit is completely worn thru, she needs suit anyway. And the skirt fits perfectly, and who does not want a pretty simple white linen skirt in hot desert summer. And I think it all had a transforming effect on Alice too. Her stories became happier and happier, she recalled good things, happy things. And I think it satiated her all the attention. Alice likes to express and has so much to express. That was the one thing my Higher Self told me before I went to do the reading-- about Alice’s chart-- she said “it is good for Alice to talk a lot.”

I had noticed it myself two days before Alice’s birthday, at the very end of this Sign we have been in. For the whole Sign, I talked so little and had so little urge to talk. And then suddenly there was an explosion, as if all the not-talking I had done, just wanted to be released. I couldn’t stop it. There was just such tremendous urge for talking and communication, after not having it for so long. And Alice is born right in the middle of that 3 day explosion. I understood why Alice likes to talk a lot, and why my Higher Self said she needs to talk a lot. She has Sun and Moon in that Sign, she has to have that release. It is the whole Sign releasing itself.

I think it was very good for Alice to get a chance to talk to her heart’s content at our birthday party. Plus to have all focused attention on her. Because she bloomed under both. Right before my eyes I saw her bloom. I saw her happiness bloom, her contentment bloom, her loving beautiful being bloom. “You need to talk a lot,” was the first thing I said to Alice when I looked at her chart, per my Higher Self’s instructions, and she lit up. “But everyone moves away from me when I talk, they say I talk too much and leave the room.” “You need to talk a lot, Alice, it is good for you” I said.

And it’s very interesting how it all worked out. Last night I was bored to tears with the TV. I had tried watching it all day, and other than “The Housewives of Orange County” marathon, I was so bored I was going out of my mind. And finally my Higher Self said “well let’s talk, we’ll talk about something which interests you, so you can have something interesting.”

And to my amazement my Higher Self did my chart. And it was a brilliant reading. All the brilliance I had wanted to offer Alice, and which was totally not there at all, was in my Higher Self’s reading of my chart.

She said things which were so interesting and informative, I wished I had known it to tell Alice, I learned so much. She said the 10th House, which is where all of Alice’s planets are, and where I just have Neptune-- I had pointed out to Alice her chart begins with Uranus in her 9th House and ends with Neptune in her 12th, she begins with passion for truth and winds up with divine love. My Higher Self told me “The 10th House is actually your mission in life. And you having Neptune there, doesn’t dissolve the 10th House, it just means divine love is your mission in life.” And she said “Pluto in Gemini in 8th House-- Pluto, the planet of transformation, in Gemini the Sign of the writer, in Pluto’s own House of Transformation-- means your writing is about transformation.”

It was so interesting having such a brilliant interesting illuminating interpretation of my chart. It was such a gift to me, that I thought “it really is true what the New Age teaches, what spirituality teaches, giving to another is how you give to yourself.” I don’t know how to put this into words, but suddenly it hit me: As the day follows night, that when I went all-out to give the best astrology reading I could for Alice, it was inevitable a great reading would be done for me. That it has to happen, that this is how universal law works.

And of course my biggest joy in all of this is the success of the red bathing suit, how much Alice loves it. And how happy Alice is. Her phone call and email put me in bliss. There is no joy like seeing Alice happy. She is the most generous girl on the planet, she deserves this happiness....

Postscript,

And when I saw Patsy in the pool yesterday and was swimming in the lane next to her, when she said “how are you Anne?” I said “I have bad news and good news. The bad news is the plumber said he would have to take out the bathtub and break up the cement floor. It will cost $4000. I’m not doing it, I will shower in Bill’s shower. The good news is I took Alice out for her birthday and I had a glorious time.” And I told her the whole story and she was so happy for me.

I skipped over about the astrology reading but expressed all my joy about the miracle the ravishing red bathing suit fit Alice to a T.

"My Week-end" (cooler broke, I wrote about women's lib, and I went to GOP meeting)

Tucson painting by Felix Pasilis
“My weekend” (cooler broke, I wrote about women’s lib, and went to Republican Party meeting of PCs)

Tuesday early morning 7/15/08

I feel like so much has happened. The evaporative cooler in the west side of the house broke down on Thursday night. And it wasn’t till 11 am yesterday (Monday) that the repairman fixed it. So today marks the first morning I woke up when all is back to normal. I feel like they were 4 days of obsession. Beside the house being so hot without cooler, for some reason both Bill and I became obsessed.

He went right up on the roof himself on Friday morning to see if he could fix it himself, or if we had to call repairman. And even after he was not able to fix it and I did call the repairman and he said earliest time he could get to me was mid-morning Monday, Bill still did spend the 3 days up on roof trying to fix it.

The ostensible reason was so we could have relief in the house while waiting for repairman. But the truth was it was just a challenge he wanted to win. Bill is a great technician himself, and he simply wouldn’t believe he could not fix it. So for 3 days he was either up on roof trying to fix it, or thinking about how to fix it, or telling me all about it. It was the only thing in his mind.

When Bill is the technician I am drafted into assistant-to-the-technician. Which means orders are screamed at me from the roof. “Turn to pump only! SHUT IT OFF! Turn to low cool! SHUT IT OFF! Turn the circuit breaker back on!” I am constantly hopping around doing things.

I have no criticism whatsoever of Bill spending the 3 and a half days in obsession with fixing the cooler, because I spent the same time in obsession too. Perhaps this is how we each dealt with the fact that the cooler was not working and house was too hot in summer desert heat. On Thursday morning I wrote my first chapter about what women’s liberation was like back then. Then Friday morning a second chapter. Saturday morning a third chapter. And then all day Sunday trying to fix all the typos in it, so it would be done, and I could put my mind somewhere else.

Sunday was one of the strangest days in my whole life. I just sat here ignoring how hot house was, and I tried to face what I had written and to meticulously deal with all the typos. It was a ton of work. And my mind was completely back in women’s liberation. This went on till about 9 at night. All the time this was going on, Bill was on roof barking at me. “TURN IT ON! TURN IT OFF! Turn the circuit breaker back on!” And when he would finally come down from the roof, he would be saying non-stop to me his ideas about the cooler. And I would listen with one ear and continue fixing typos with the other ear.

We both took a rest from our obsession Sunday afternoon, when we went swimming and Bill went to movies and I watched TV. But instant he got home we each went back to our obsession. I was determined to keep going and finish it up. And when Bill was at movie theater, he remembered home insurance won’t pay for it if he had worked on it himself. So as soon as he got home, he had to go right back up on the roof and put everything back exactly as it was, and try to make it undetectable he had spent 3 days working on it. And then he spent 4 hours talking about it to me, as I was finishing up fixing the typos and trying to write a little preface to it.

We were both in complete obsession. Which is maybe OK. How else would we have gotten thru 4 days and 4 nights with no cooling in the house. LOL we both needed an activity which consumed us and took our minds off it.

Right in the middle of it, Saturday morning, I went to my very first meeting of the PCs (precinct committeemen) of the Republican Party in my District. And I had no idea beforehand this would mean walking into the lion’s den. I have no idea what I thought it would be like beforehand. But everyone there but me (altho I found out later Ted had been there, but he hadn’t said anything), so everyone there but Ted and me, and since I didn’t know he was there I thought I was alone, was establishment GOP. These were all office holders in the Republican Party. It was a totally awful experience in every way. And I got very upset during it, and I was very upset after it. And it wasn’t till we got back from swimming that I finally got over it. Hahaha I had no idea I had been completely happy during our 4 days of total obsession and no cooling, until I lost all my happiness at the meeting of the Republican office holders. And I was extremely happy to get back my happiness 3 hours after it was over. I never want to go thru that experience again.

At first naturally I wanted to rebel and never go back. But I guess I am far more committed to the Ron Paul revolution than I realized. And right now the Ron Paul revolution means taking over the Republican Party. Which now that I have been there, seems like an impossible task. But I am still willing to do it. So the way I will never have this experience again, is when I show up at the meeting each month with the other Republican office holders of my district, I will go completely differently. This time I know what it is like.

I will keep my mouth shut from now on. So I don’t have the experience of letting them all know who I am and what I want, which resulted in them all hating me. And I will already know who they are and what they want, which resulted in me hating all of them. I will keep my mouth shut, so I won’t experience that wave of hostility towards me. And now that I know who they are and what they want, it won’t hit me with an awful shock, and upset me so much. I will just stay very close to my Higher Self, and remain close to her mind of love and peace. I assumed I got so upset because they all hated me, but I realize now what knocked me off balance, was that I got mad at them. I can be detached from however they view me, but I will get thrown for a loop if I get mad at them.

Plus I won’t attract all their hostility if I keep my mouth shut. If I show up every month and keep my mind in place of peace and love, and keep my mouth shut, then they will eventually just get used to my physical presence there and ignore me. And I will learn a great deal.

What I learned at this first meeting was anathema to me. But if I take all the emotions out of the picture, just simply leave it as the awful ideas they believe and the awful laws they want to pass, then all it means is why we are doing this revolution in the first place. Obviously I had to see all the full awfulness up close and personal, to actually meet the people and the minds behind it. Things are the way they are because of them, these are the authors of it.

Now that it is 3 days later and all my emotions have cooled down, I can see how it made everything crystal clear to me. Why we must have this revolution, and what we are up against. It was an absolutely necessary learning experience, I see now. I had to know all this, and this was the only way to learn it (as unpleasant as it was). Ted told me on the phone that Lisa, I don’t know who she is, I never met her, had the identical experience as me. She went to 3 meetings and hated them all so much, and hated what they stood for so much, she dropped out of being PC, she couldn’t stand it. And believe me I fully understand why. Which is fine for Lisa, she doesn’t have her Higher Self to help her get thru those meetings but I do. And next time I will stay very close to my Higher Self.

And of course Ted is a good example for me. What fortitude he must have! He has been going for a whole year and is determined not to miss a single meeting. “I never knew a thing about Party politics,” Ted said, “now I am learning everything.” He considers it an invaluable learning experience. Which is the new attitude I want.

Right now I see no way we can accomplish anything in a short period of time. There are 3 of us in my District and 40 of them. And it is probably the same in all the Districts in Arizona. And the election for new PCs is only once a year. We can’t add to our numbers till a whole year goes past.

Nobody else in the Ron Paul Revolution is disturbed by the fact that this is a long haul, and would take 10 years to accomplish, 10 years for Ron Paul liberty-lovers to totally take over the Republican Party. But I believe heart and soul that the Mass Awakening on our planet will occur in two years. Which will mean everyone’s mind is lifted above the fear mind, we will all be in our higher mind.

These people in the Republican Party are good people. The problem is they let their fear do all their thinking for them. This is what keeps their mind in prison, and motivates their desire to imprison everyone else. So if Mass Liberation will occur in two years, it is unclear to me why I should be working so hard for something which would take ten years to accomplish, were there no Mass Liberation.

But maybe I am looking at this wrong. After all two years is a very long time. And if I take my mind off goal, and focus it in process instead, then how do I know how fruitful the process will be over next two years. Plus after all it is an adventure. Hahaha yes I had an awful experience on Saturday morning, but it was a new experience, and how do I know where this adventure will lead. And I did do the paperwork and get the signatures. I am now on the ballot in the Primary in September. And because I am running unopposed, I am now an office holder in the Republican Party myself. I am precinct committeeman in my district. I did something!

Photos from my brother's kayak trip last week


...at low tide we saw colonies of purple starfish.

we hiked a trail which led us to this lake...