“It rained all night”

Tucson painting by Felix Pasilis
6:13 am, Sunday morning, July 6, 2008
“It rained all night”

It’s Sunday of July 4th weekend and already it feels as if July 4th never happened. I had big swim yesterday. O it was so nice having such long swim to make up for pools closed on July 4th. Altho water was warm, for first time there was not a drop of cool water in it. But so what! It was still so nice to swim and shower afterwards. And then I had to be taken for a treat. All my shoppings have been grocery shoppings since end of March. I don’t know why I wanted a treat so badly but I did. I wanted a pretty new skirt. Ross Outlet store opened up one of their stores in shopping center near pool. I had never had luck at Ross Outlet until 2 years ago, they had spectacularly pretty skirt. It was too small for me but I bought it anyway and forced it to fit. Since it is the only clothes store between my house and pool, I asked Bill to take me there.

Yes they had some nice stuff at some good prices, but none of it was in my size. It was two sizes too small for me. But I was so desperate for treats, I bought it anyway. A red bathing suit, a white linen skirt, and cotton sundress with beige and brown flowers on it. I told her “they are two sizes too small, and can I return them if they don’t fit?” And she said “yes,” so I paid for them on my Credit Card.

Then because we are out of bread, we went to Sunflower market for me just to buy bread. I had done huge shopping there two days ago. But of course I didn’t just buy bread, I did a medium shopping anyway. I really don’t know about this. Never in my whole life have I grocery shopped as much as I have been during this past year. All my money goes for food. It is something I don’t understand at all, why I am in midst of such huge involvement with grocery shopping. And the amazing thing is it all does get eaten. I wouldn’t beat myself up on the way home from each huge shopping, if I did believe it would all get eaten. But I never have confidence in myself. I always think I must have made lotsa mistakes. It always seems like I bought way too much food and spent way too much money. And always to my surprise it does get eaten. A surprisingly small percent gets thrown out for the birds. I really don’t understand any of this. I feel like an acrobat in the circus on the high wire without a net. I don’t understand why I am doing such huge shoppings, why I am spending so much money on food, and how it does all get eaten in end, I mean how it does work out. It is so peculiar all the suspense and drama this is bringing into my life.

On the other hand, the world of restaurants and eating out, has totally disappeared from my life. I got an email notice that the first meeting of the Ron Paul Liberty Caucus will be held at Cody’s steakhouse on July 29th, to show up at 6 PM for dinner, and then we will have meeting afterwards, in a meeting room the restaurant provides. And I realized I didn’t have desire to eat dinner at Cody’s. Usually I am so excited at idea of eating in restaurant and I have never been to Cody’s. But instead I thought I guess I can have a cup of coffee while everyone eats. I simply don’t understand why I like to eat at home now. How it is I got to like my own food. The whole thing seems to be a package deal, I do huge grocery shoppings all the time, I spend fortune on food, and I like eating at home now, and the desire to eat in restaurant has dropped out of my life. I switched over to thinking the food in my own house is delicious.

Well it must have rained all night because all the trees and bushes in my yards look like they are in heaven. Some of them are twice the size. They look so absolutely refreshed and happy. They bathed and drank, and bathed and drank, and bathed and drank all night long. Their roots are all in soft wet soggy soil, so happy. They are all so deliriously happy. It is an utter transformation. They all look like they are in a wet forest somewhere, where water is always part of their life, as if they have totally forgotten desert hell. It is a very sweet sight to see. And the morning itself looks like a morning after it rained all night. Damp wet clouds all over the sky, grey misty morning, green leaves on tree so happy, so relaxed, so satiated, so big and cool and refreshed, and in joy.

There was big thunder all evening and Beanie had an awful time. But “My Cousin Vinny” came on tv. I had never seen it, it was so much fun.

It’s the oddest thing. It’s like the top of my head is a complete mess. I don’t know whether I’m coming or going? If I’m up or down? I don’t know where I’m at or what I am doing? But underneath all the heap of messiness at top of my head, every once in a while it occurs to me I am happy, it’s like a bubble of happiness which comes from way below, which makes it to the top. I am blitzed by the weather and July 4th weekend. But underneath all that blitz, happiness must be happening, because occasionally a bubble makes it to the top, and to my surprise I recognize it as happiness. “I am happy” I think “where did that come from?” It came out of nowhere.

So maybe I shouldn’t mind it that I am blitzed out of my mind by the weather. And just keep slogging thru my days, one foot in front of the other. Because who knows, maybe the big mist in my mind will clear, and underneath is a happy girl. Hahaha maybe it is no big deal to be a complete mess.