“Confidence” (or My Very Interesting Day)

Tucson painting by Felix Pasilis
“Confidence” (or My Very Interesting Day)
July 2, 2008, Wednesday, 5:39 AM

Yesterday when I woke up I could not walk at all. The booboo in my foot was that bad. But worse than that was how mad I was about it. My mind was some awful cauldron of spitting mad and totally hopeless. “My life is shit” I thought. I don’t know why I generalized from booboo in my foot to my whole life, but that is what I did. I just lost confidence in everything. I totally lost it in every way. Plus I didn’t know what to do, not being able to walk is a big problem. Finally I was able to get from my bedroom to Bill’s bathroom right next door to it and back to bed again. Where I lied there having horrible thoughts. Then somehow I managed to get to kitchen, put up coffee, and get to my computer, where I sat here having horrible thoughts.

Finally my Higher Self suggested she would communicate a blog about what is going on, to help me. I called it “My Higher Self Encourages Me,” and I took down her communication. She began off accurately describing what was going on, especially in my mind, what my feelings were. Which actually helped me. I had been having horrible feelings and horrible ideas, and then upset with myself for having them. She took away the second upset by baldly stating my awful ideas and feelings. She just put them out there as the facts in the case. “Anne thinks her whole life is shit” my Higher Self baldly said. Which had bracing effect on me, it was exactly what I did think. Then she affirmed it was an ascension symptom. When I lost hope I lost hope in everything, it was nice being reassured on that score. And then she suggested it would get better as the day wore on (my tootsies) and the day will have lots of treats for me. This was very nice to hear. As it never occurred to me anything good could happen to me. When you think your life is shit all you see happening is more of the same.

Then things began to get interesting. First I turned on my email and there was a nice email from my brother telling me he had just read my Old Forge story (I wrote it and sent it to him year a half ago) and he said he really liked it and it was a good read. This was a story abut our childhood summers up in the Adirondacks. Since my brother never reads my stories, I was pleased as punch he read this one and liked it so much. I wrote back nice thank you email. I thought “whaddyaknow, I got a treat, my Higher Self is not a total liar.” Then I read Gloria’s Letter from God, where God suggested we listen to our impulses, which was very interesting, a whole different take on my own approach to my own impulses. So then I noticed I didn’t want to be at my computer, I wanted to be back in bed. Plus I wanted a cup of coffee and I wasn’t able to walk into kitchen to get it.

So my Higher Self suggested I wake up Bill (it was only 5 am) and have him help me get back to my bedroom and also to bring in cup of coffee for me. This was a shocking idea to me. I didn’t think Bill would like to be woken up 2 hours early, plus not like finding out his wife couldn’t walk. But I did it! He only scolded me a little, “you are never to wear high heels again!” Since Bill doesn’t believe in ascension symptoms, I told him I got it from wearing high heels. Once I was back in bed, drinking my coffee, Bill made it delicious with cream and sugar, I discovered I was happy. My foot was no longer bothering me, I could lie there completely happy. And I put my pillow by open window and looked out. I was relaxed and happy.

Then Bill announced it was so very early he was going to take Beanie to the park in the truck. During hot summer, at the time when Bill usually gets up, has his coffee, takes his shower, it is then too hot to do anything but take Beanie on short walk around neighborhood. But I had gotten him up 2 hours early, it was the perfect time to take Beanie for long walk in beautiful wash behind Fort Lowell park. “Great!” I said, “Great!”

We had mentioned to Anthony, one of the young lifeguards at pool, that because Lulu went to Heaven we are looking for second dog for Bean and because Bean has terrible mental problems, starts fights with everything, best thing is a very docile girl basset-hound or beagle. Someone who will just ignore Beanie being an ogre the way Lulu did. But Anthony had adopted a beautiful boy Belgium shepherd, Montana, who was now one year old, and Anthony was looking for a good home for Montana, because he said it is no life for Montana, cooped up all day in tiny apartment, while Anthony works all day at pool and goes to school. He really wanted us to take Montana.

And the evening before Bill and I both had long communications with our Higher Self to see if there was anyway this could work, and both our Higher Selfs told us “it would take a miracle, but go ahead.” So we had both woken up planning to do it. Bill said “maybe Anthony will be in the park jogging with Montana, the dogs can meet.” And I said “take Anthony’s phone number with you, maybe you can call him, there is a payphone near the pool.”

So then Bill left with Beanie, and as hard as this is to believe, I just lied there in bliss on my soft pillow with face to open window, drinking my delicious coffee, and happy that Bill was overjoyed to take Beanie for great early morning outing, instead of being furious at me for getting him up. He was so happy to be up early and taking Beanie to the park

And so I peacefully and happily watched the clouds, watched the birds, drank my coffee, and had happy thoughts.

Bill was gone long time. I wanted second cup of coffee. But finally he got back home and said “if you will sit in the living room with me I will tell you everything that happened.” I said “OK, let me bring in my cigs and you go get me ‘nother cup of coffee.”

And we sat in living room together. Well of course the walk in the beautiful wash at dawn was heaven. Both Bill and Beanie loved it. It was still cool and shadowy, all the smells of the animals were still there, they both loved it and walked for miles. And the great news was, Bill said, he discovered Beanie can be off the leash, he did not run away, he just followed Bill and came back when called. Bill was overjoyed. He said this means that Beanie doesn’t only have to be walked around the neighborhood like a monkey on a stick, he can take Beanie for all kinds of great hikes up in the forest of Mount Lemon, and all the beautiful washes at day break, and when weather turns cool in Fall way out to the pristine desert too.

“The bad news is Beanie is nutty as a fruitcake.” And Bill described in detail the two dogs Beanie attacked in the park for absolutely no reason at all, perfectly sweet nice dogs minding their own business. And when Bill said that, we both knew there was no way we could adopt Montana. As both our Higher Selfs told us at that moment, “there is 50 percent chance it would work out, we would get a miracle, and 50 per cent it wouldn’t.” And Montana is huge dog, Beanie is shrimp, it would be huge mistake for Beanie to attack Montana.

When Lulu went to Heaven 9 days ago, Bill buried her body in our backyard under the cottonwood tree in back. And for some reason he has been paranoid ever since that it is against the law to do this, that we will get in trouble for it. Even tho I reassured him that Cora has had gazillion dogs over past 50 years, and each time one goes to Heaven, Floyd, her husband, buries the body in their backyard. Bill just says “maybe their dogs were not in the system and no one knew they had the dogs to start with, but because Lulu was licensed they will want to find out.”

When Bill raised this anxiety again yesterday morning, for some reason my mind was clear as a bell. I thought ‘there is so much on our plate now, I don’t want him to suffer from this fear, I am going to take it away right now.’ And even tho I supposedly couldn’t walk at all, I said “it’s a week-day morning, it is after 9 am, I am going in to call animal control right now, let's get this worry off your mind, I might have to walk slowly but I am going to walk in and call.” And I didn’t have to walk so slowly. I did not have a hard time getting to my computer room where the phone was.

My computer was still on, so I googled the phone number for animal control, found the paper for Lulu’s licensing and called. And I told the woman how we had gotten the notice it was time to take Lulu for new rabies shot and re-licensing two months ago, and since Lulu had been acting out of it, we were glad to take her to the doctor anyway, and doctor said he wouldn’t give her rabies shot, she has problems. And I told the woman “and last week Lulu went to Heaven.” And the woman said “O I am so sorry.” She was so sweet and so sympathetic, not one bit the monster Bill had envisioned who would arrest us. She said “O I am so sorry and I will delete Lulu from the system,” which she did.

And I came back to tell Bill the good news. He can forget all his fears, she was tender and sympathetic. And I guess this is what turned the whole corner of the day for me. How could I not have back all my confidence in life, now that I had helped my husband! It meant that I was fine, it meant that life is good and true and real and beneficent, and we are all protected. It meant that all is well. It gave me back all my strength.

And Bill’s happiness soared too now that that was off his mind, and he described how beautiful the wash was in that early morning dawn, what a great time he and Beanie had, and what a great future they will have. All the things they can do, now that he discovered Beanie follows him and can be off the leash, and listens to him and wants to listen to him. Bill was overjoyed about that.

“We’ll have to let Anthony know we are not going to take Montana, I’ll call him now.” “Offer to do Craig’s List for him” Bill said, “tell him how you did Craig’s List for Mike the mechanic when his dog had 13 puppies and within two weeks, homes had been found for all 13 puppies.”

First I called Anthony at the pool, but when there was no answer I remembered Anthony does not arrive till 12:30, he does late shift at pool, 12:30 to 8:30. So I called the phone number he gave Bill which must be cellphone. I wonder if I woke him up. I said “this is Anne from the pool, last night we thought we would adopt Montana, but this morning Bill took Beanie to Fort Lowell park, he thought you might be there with Montana and the dogs could meet, but Beanie attacked all the dogs, he has mental problems, and we can’t adopt Montana, and do you want me to do Craig’s List for you, I will be happy to.” Anthony said “no.” I said “I understand, you want Montana to go to a good home where you know the people and know he will be loved and well taken care of.” And then I said “Bill and I will leave no stone unturned to find wonderful home for Montana.” And then I got off. It was terrible connection, I could barely hear Anthony and it didn’t seem like he was saying very much.

It was confusing phone call for me, but still I wanted to let Anthony know we would not be adopting Montana, he had had his heart set on it.

Then Bill made himself delicious breakfast (I said no thank you when he offered it to me), an omelette with onions green pepper and tomato, and two cheeses, provolone and cottage cheese. Bill rarely eats, it is always cause for celebration when he does, it is always a statement all is right with the world when he does. And he called me in to admire his omelette which I did. He is a great cook. And when I walked into the kitchen to see the omelette in the pan, I noticed I was walking perfectly. “Look! Bill! Look!” I walked backwards, I walked forward, I walked backwards again. “Look Bill look! I am walking perfectly.”

He then washed his clothes in washing machine, pinned them up on line outside, and I went in to answer emails, and they were all nice emails, I was having good time. And he said “I hear thunder, we better swim now.” So we went to Billie’s pool at Catalina high school. I said “that ladder is hard for me, putting all my weight on one foot, if I need help will you help me.” And he said yes. I was walking perfectly now but I thought the ladder would be hard.

While swimming I had long talk with my Higher Self about Montana and Anthony. I really really really wanted to help Anthony with Montana. And my Higher Self said something very interesting. Bill and I had put all our focus on trying to find good home for Montana.

But my Higher Self said “Montana already has a good home, Anthony loves Montana, and Montana loves Anthony. The problem is Anthony can’t figure out how to give Montana a good life.” And she even said, “it is hard for Anthony, air conditioning costs a fortune and Anthony is never home, but he has to leave it on all day for Montana because desert is furnace in summer.” And she suggested I ask Billie, who is the boss of all the lifeguards, if Anthony could be allowed to take Montana to the pool. Dogs are not allowed on deck, but they are allowed in the little house where the lifeguards are. They are all dog lovers and it is air conditioned there. And then Montana won’t be so lonely all day long.

I swam over to Bill in his lane and said “maybe we can come up with ideas of how Anthony can provide happier life for Montana, maybe Anthony can take him with him to work.” And Bill said “Don’t meddle! Don’t say a word to Billie! Billie is Anthony’s boss. Don’t meddle, Anne!” Billie is passionate dog lover and has 4 dogs, I thought even if he said no, he would be sympathetic to the whole situation. But when Bill said “don’t meddle” and he said it sternly, I changed my mind and decided to keep my mouth shut.

I signaled to Bill that I was getting out of pool now, and to keep an eye out in case I needed help with the ladder. And it was true I could not put all my weight on that one foot to swing myself out. And at first I didn’t know what I would do. But on Friday I had crawled out and I decided to do that again. Only this time I had an audience. Apparently Bill was watching, and the girl in next lane who has big mouth was watching. And as I crawled out I heard her call out to whole pool “she hurt her foot from wearing high heels.”

But you know my spirits were sky high. I have no idea why the flooding happiness, which had flooded in at some point in the morning, was such a happy strong flow. As weird as it sounds to say, I was happier than I had ever been in my whole life. Something was really soaring in my happiness. I had such confidence! Such confidence in life! It really affected my whole perception. That everything I thought was so terrible when I woke up, had turned out to be the modus vivendi for bringing in so much more opportunity and happiness for all. My confidence generalized. I had more confidence in myself! More confidence in Bill! More confidence in God! More confidence in the whole world! I had more confidence in all my friends and relatives and everyone I knew.

And on the way home I explained to Bill about Anthony and Montana. In the pool Bill had said, “but Anthony must have tried to come up with way to have happy life for Montana, when he couldn’t he decided the solution was to give Montana to good home.” In the car I said “just because Anthony couldn’t come up with a solution doesn’t mean there isn’t one, he doesn’t communicate with his Higher Self. Maybe we can come up with ideas. Anthony loves Montana, Montana loves Anthony, so Montana already has a good home, we don’t have to find good home for Montana. We just have to figure out how he can have happy life with Anthony.

“And we don’t know what will happen. Maybe Anthony will find a wonderful girlfriend, who will have a backyard, or be home a lot so she can stay with Montana. Anything can happen…”

link to "My Higher Self Encourages Me"